What I've Learned, Overreaction Edition, Part II

Paul Sullivan writes this in today’s blog on chicagosports.com:

Reed Johnson looks like he's ready to become the everyday centerfielder, even though it would give the Cubs eight right-handed hitters. It's early, but Felix Pie's .235 on-base percentage just isn't cutting it.

Felix Pie is 3-16. Reed Johnson is 4-13. I think removing Pie from the centerfield job after 16 at bats is the least this team can do. They should demote him to rookie ball, make him pay to remain in the organization, and cease to serve any types of pie at the craft services table in the clubhouse. Because 16 at bats is more than enough time to prove that a guy who is 23 can’t contribute to a major league team. Let’s ignore the fact that he’s torn up every level he’s been in. And the fact that he’s had less than 200 major league at bats, given without any consistency whatsoever over the course of a season and a half. And the fact that Reed Johnson has never shown any ability to hit right handed pitching in his career. Screw all that-Pie, you’re done. What a bust. He’s destined to go through a career like this bust, whose numbers through his first 200 ABs looked like this:

AVG: .224, OBP: .259, SLG: .355

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Good thing the Mariners gave up on that Alex Rodriguez chump. What a punk that guy was.

What I've Learned, Overraction Edition

The Cubs managed to blow a seven run lead for the first time in only 6 years, which is actually sadder than the whole “hundred years” thing. Good to see that blowing a seven run lead is actually not all that uncommon for the Cubs.

As usual, many have taken the opportunity to bring out their “jump to conclusions” mat one week into the season. Among the wonderful truths we’ve learned from the experts:

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1. Mark DeRosa is a complete bust and Brian Roberts could cure AIDS if he were playing 2B for the Cubs right now. Nevermind the fact that, up until yesterday, DeRosa was outhitting Roberts. Sure, he’s made some stupid errors. They even out over the course of a year. Now, if the team wanted to trade for Roberts and move DeRosa to shortstop, color me satisfied.

2. Alfonso Soriano is a bum. Hasn’t one year of this guy shown enough people that he will maybe hit .025 for 30 ABs or so, then hit 14 home runs in a month (like he did in, say, LAST SEPTEMBER)? Sure, all Cubs fans will want him dead by about year five of his contract, but for now, why not just be myopic for awhile?

3. Kerry Wood will be a bust as a closer…no wait, he’ll be good…no wait, he won’t be durable enough…no wait, he’ll be fine.

4. Aramis Ramirez is lazy and the Cubs need to trade him. Good God, this might be the most annoying habit of anyone and everyone associated with following the Cubs-they’d rather have Ryan Theriot hit .200 with a .225 OBP as long as he runs hard to first base and gets his uniform dirty, while Ramirez consistently hits 30-35 home runs, drives in over 100 runners, and “isn’t a winner.” Let’s say it together: This is not Little League. Trying hard does not make someone good. And not always trying hard does not make someone bad. Production matters. Deal with it.

5. Ryan Theriot would be better off as a bench player and really has no business batting at the top of the lineup. Okay, they got that one right.

Here's a thought-let's wait until game 15 before we write off the 2008 season.

Because It's Too Hard to Play D&D at the Park...

Marty and I both attended Saturday's amazing Cubs game. Marty was in section 203 and I was in 106. As I settled into my great seats right near the left field foul pole, I got an idea for what could be the dorkiest post of all-time—an all text post. What transpired turned out to be way dumber and more embarrassing to the both of us than I could have hoped. Enjoy.

12:17 PM
Jason: Got an idea. We should post our text conversation today.

12:18 PM. Top 1st: L Berkman grounds into double play, M Bourn scores.
Martin: Thinking the same thing. #1: Marquis blows.

12:19 PM. Bottom 1st. R Johnson singled to center.
J: Reed Johnson is batting 1000! He's way better than Murton!

12:19 PM
M: What were your favorite memories of the Felix Pie era?

12:20 PM. Bottom 1st. D Lee singles to right, R Johnson to second.
J: He can just rake.

12:21 PM
M: Got up to get a hot dog and can't sit now.

12:23 PM. Bottom 1st. K Fukudome grounds out to second.
J: Sit.

12:23 PM. Fans cheer then boo Fukudome.
M: Yay Jason Kendall! Boo Jason Kendall!

12:24 PM
J: What the f#@k were they cheering for? He hit that 10 feet!

12:25 PM
M: In the AIR 10 feet...

12:26 PM
J: Just saw a $1,400 watch. Apparently, these are good seats.

12:27 PM
M: Rob him.

12:27 PM
J: Her. Will do.

12:31 PM. Top 2nd. M Loretta singled to center, M Tejada scores. Fans boo Marquis.
M: Welcome to Latroy Town, Marquis.

12:31 PM
L: Sean Marshall your table is ready.

12:32 PM
M: Who could have seen this coming? Oh yeah, everybody.


12:34 PM. Fan seen wearing Fuku headband.


J: Those Fuku headbands embarrass me to the core.

12:41 PM
M: Most of the fans around me embarrass me.

12:45 PM
M: Geraldine Ferraro approves of the headbands.

12:45 PM
J: That joke is above my IQ level.

12:47 PM
M: Seriously...CNN.com. Just check it every now and then.


12:52 PM
M: The guy next to me is telling me how great his fantasy team is.


12:53 PM.
J: Fake boobs are my favorite invention after the polio vaccine.

12:56 PM. Bottom 3rd. D Lee homers to right center.
J: Yay keeper league! Boo other league!

1:00 PM
M: I'm pretty sure the fantasy league guy abducted the kid he's with.

1:01 PM
J: Well, at least he took him to the ballpark.

1:08 PM. Bottom 4th. R Theriot grounds out to pitcher.
M: That Ryan Theriot sure runs hard to first the many, many times be grounds out to the pitcher.

1:08 PM
J: (Shaking head)

1:15 PM
M: Saw the "Horry Kow" shirt, might as well just change the shirt to "the guy wearing this is a douche bag."

1:16 PM. Bottom 5th. J Marquis safe at second on throwing error by T Wigginton.
M: Speed kills.

1:18 PM. Bottom 5th. A Soriano flies out to center, J Marquis thrown out at third.
J: I am without speech.

1:20 PM
J: BTW, I saw a man eating a sandwich in the bathroom.

1:21 PM
M: Brought from home, bought at the park, or found in the trough?

1:22 PM
J: From home, which i think is actually more disturbing.

1:22 PM
M: Was he worried they were gonna confiscate it?

1:23 PM
J: Who knows. I do know that can't be sanitary.

1:23 PM. Top 6th. H Pence safe at first on error by first baseman D Lee.
M: Good thing they worked all the kinks out in spring training.

1:30 PM. Top 6th. D Erstad doubles to deep right center, H Pence scored. C Lee doubles to deep right center, D Erstad scored.
M: Did I mention that I hate Jason Marquis?

1:33 PM
J: Maybe we can trade him back to the Cards for Clement

1:37 PM
M: He doesn't have enough DUIs for the Cards.

1:37 PM
J: He'll be here all week folks.

1:44 PM Bottom 6th. D Lee doubles to deep right. A Ramirez flies out to center.
M: Tag up! It worked so well before!

1:45 PM Bottom 6th. K Fukudome reached on bunt single to pitcher, D Lee to third.
J: Fuku good.

1:46 PM
M: Yay Kosuke!

1:50 PM
J: Boo everyone else .

1:52 PM Bottom 6th. G Soto grounded out to shortstop. Tejada makes a great play.
M: Good thing we didn't go after Tejada. He wouldn't have been an upgrade or anything.

1:52 PM
J: Yep. No range. Score one for Hendry.

2:05 PM Bottom 7th. M Fontenot reaches on infield single to shortstop, R Theriot to second.
J: Fonte-yay!

2:08 PM
M: Ew.

2:12 PM
J: That last text brought to you by Old Style.

2:11 PM Bottom 7th. D Lee singles to left, M Fontenot scored.
J: D Lee yipee!

2:16 PM
M: I'm very happy about the comeback and all, but the girl behind me has an outfit that consists of a headband, long t-shirt and no underpants. Its hard to pay attention.

2:17 PM. Bottom 7th. W Wright relieved O Villarreal.
J: I love that his name is Wright and he's a lefty.

2:18 PM
M: No more beer 4 u.

2:22 PM. Bottom 7th. K Fukudome doubled to left, D Lee and A Ramirez scored.
M: Chicago has a new hero.

2:26 PM
M: Guy just bought me a beer just because I was wearing a Fuku jersey. It's paying for itself already.

2:29 PM
M: Mmm...hot dogs.

2:36 PM Top 8th. B Howry relieved K Hart. D Erstad singles to right. C Lee doubles to deep left, D Erstad to third. M Tejada grounds out to second, D Erstad scores. G Blum singles to center, C Lee scores.
M: Go. Get. Him.

2:37 PM.
J: This isn't going to end well.

2:42 PM. Top 8th. R Cedeno at second base.
M: Why is Cedeno at 2b instead if SS?

2:45 PM
J: You can't take out The Riot!

2:46 PM
M: Theriot is a 2b, though. Why not just switch him and Ronny?

2:47 PM. Middle 8th.
M: Insurance? Insurance?

2:50 PM. Bottom 8th. R Theriot struck out swinging.
J: Yay Theriot! How gritty was that?

2:51 PM. Bottom 8th. A Soriano grounds out to third, R Cedeno to second.
J: Best quote of the day: He would have been safe on the old turf.

2:54 PM. Bottom 8th. R Johnson singled to left, R Cedeno scored.
M: Reed Johnson just looks old timey.

2:55 PM. Top 9th. K Wood relieves C Marmol.
M: Strikes, please.

3:01 PM. End Game. Cubs Win!
J: Go Cubs Go.

3:02 PM.
M: Theriot still sucks.

The Passion of the Bartman

90% of Cubs fans haven’t mentioned the name Steve Bartman in, oh, about 3 and a half years. The only time it comes up is when some columnist runs out of ideas and decides to reach into the vault for a lazy-man’s special. Well, apparently the Final Four, opening of the baseball season, multiple lineup changes by Piniella, Bears’ preseason schedule coming out, and third graders who decided to kill their teacher have not given Rick Morrisey enough material to write a column that is actually, I don’t know, relevant. He's decided to give Jim Caveziel a new role in the next Mel Gibson movie and put Steve Bartman up on the cross. This would not be so bad, of course, if he didn't decide that the reason Mr. Bartman has been ridiculed is everybody's fault but his. On to his column. My thoughts are in bold...


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I wonder if anyone might be able to clear up something for me:

How does Steve Bartman go about retrieving the last 41/2 years of his life? How does he rewind the tape and then start erasing the scenes in which news helicopters are flying over his home and reporters are standing on his front lawn? How does he go back and change all the nights he stayed in when he might have wanted to go out to dinner or to a Cubs game but didn't for fear of being recognized?

I didn’t realize Steve Bartman was E.T. You forgot to mention his love of M & Ms and his pseudo-sexual relationship with a preteen Drew Barrymore. Seriously, ITS BEEN FIVE YEARS. If anyone’s been standing on his front lawn for the last four and a half years, then you might want to call the police.

You might have heard or read that Moises Alou has acknowledged he had no chance of catching the infamous foul ball in the eighth inning of Game 6 of the 2003 National League Championship Series at Wrigley Field. That seemed apparent to many of us as we watched the replay of the incident about 1,000 times over the last four seasons. We saw Alou reaching for a ball off the bat of Florida's Luis Castillo, then slamming down his glove in anger over what he believed was Bartman's interference down the left-field line. A 2-foot-long glove might not have helped Alou catch that ball.

That’s not what you wrote when it happened, when you wrote “"Years from now, when the story is being told, it will always start in the same way: 'Once upon a time, there was a guy wearing a blue sweatshirt, a green turtleneck, headphones and a Cubs cap." Then again, as a columnist, you’re not paid to be consistent. You’re paid to be douchey and get people to read a dead media.

You know the rest of the story. Security guards escorted Bartman out of Wrigley for his own protection. The Cubs melted down, allowing Florida to score eight runs in what would be an 8-3 victory. They went on to lose the series. And the image of a blanched, wide-eyed Bartman became a symbol of Cubs bewilderment.

Actually, it went “Alex Gonzalez kicks sure-fire double play ball, Cubs melt down.” Three or four people blamed Bartman, the media decided to run with it, and virtually every talking head on ESPN decided that, in lieu of doing actual research and being relevant, they’d rely upon Bartman to be their lead in talking about the Cubs. After all, Chicago is west of the Appalachians, and therefore no one there counts anyway.

Alou said he feels bad for Bartman. Good.

This might be a good time for some apologies.

So you’re going to apologize for writing about him any number of times over the last five years? No? Oh, forgot that rule about columnists and consistency.

How about one from Harry Caray's restaurant, which received scads of publicity when it purchased the "Bartman Ball" and blew it up in the name of reversing another Cubs curse. All in good fun, the people there said, and of course it was good fun as long as your name wasn't Steve Bartman.

He goes on to torch Jay Mariotti, which is always fun and should be done more often, but then feels the need to finish up with this:

More apologies are in order. How about one from all the people who have had a laugh at Bartman's expense? It's not so funny when you really think about it, is it? The reports Bartman is in "hiding" are exaggerated—he lives and works in the Chicago area—but the Game 6 incident and the resulting firestorm have affected his life drastically.

Did I miss something? Have people outside the media been calling for Steve Bartman’s head for the last five years? Last I checked, the chain of Cubs stupidity (in the eyes of most fans) for the last five years started and ended with Dusty Baker. Apparently, the only place that offers a view of a firestorm is from high atop an unoriginal soapbox.

Yes, Alou started that fire, but it was fanned by a lot of people who were looking to blame somebody, anybody for all the years of Cubs futility. So the guy in the sweatshirt, headphones and baseball cap became a national laughingstock, good for jokes on the late-night talk shows and mean-spirited derision in more than a few newspaper columns.

Of which you wrote at least one. Seriously, do you have a self-reflective bone in your body?

Steve Bartman did what a lot of people instinctively do. He reached for a foul ball. People blamed him for ruining the Cubs' chances of going to a World Series, which happens about once every Ice Age. In light of Alou's admission, maybe they won't blame him anymore, which would be so very considerate of them.

But I'm still confused. Those 41/2 years … remind me again how he gets those back?

Let’s make this simple: Cubs fans don’t care about Steve Bartman anymore. 99.9% of them felt bad for him in the first place. 3-4 people out of a fan base of roughly 20 million decided to act like idiots, and now Cubs fans have a black eye that every unoriginal columnist and media member feels the need to dredge up every six months or so. Why, exactly, would Cubs fans want to continue even talking about this guy?

Morrissey has never seen a high horse he couldn’t climb up on. Why don’t you apologize for writing about him all those times, and even moreso for writing about him four and a half fucking years later for no reason other than because of a throwaway quote from Moises Alou. You accuse Mariotti and Harry Caray’s restaurant of being attention whores, yet you decide to piggyback on their attempts while at the same time trying to condemn them. Well, Mr. Morrissey, both Mariotti and the restaurant are pathetic whores, but at least they’re slightly more original whores. You don’t even get the main room in the brothel.

Win Streak Hits One

So maybe Lou knows what he is doing after all.

Two days into the "Let's Bat Soriano Second" experiment, Lou made the first of what will be close to 1500 lineup changes for the season and returned Fonzie to the lead-off spot. The result? After an a giant goose egg start for his two biggest sluggers, both Soriano and Aramis contributed to the Cubs 6-3 win today. Soriano drew a walk with the bases loaded (that is sooooo Cubs) and later added an RBI. Aramis went yard for his first hit of the season (that is sooooo Aramis). Let's be honest, the game was far from pretty, but 1-2 is way better than 0-3.

Reading the box score after the game, what jumped out at me was the fact that the Cubs had 4 steals. That is not a typo. They intentionally tried to swipe bases...and were then successful at all FOUR of those attempts. When is the last time the Cubs stole 4 bases in a game? That's rhetorical, stat nerds. That's got to be a good sign, right? Right?

Dempster looked (sounded) good, but from what I can tell, the "Cubs pitchers are also good hitters" era is officially dead. Rambo sounded clueless at the plate today. He actually struck out bunting twice and one of those was when he was TRYING TO BUNT FOR A HIT. Ugh.

Yes, gift horse, I would like to look into your mouth if you don't mind.

Whatever. I'm happy, you're happy and I'm sure Mariotti is pissed about something. So let's just enjoy the moment.

Today's Message from Ron Santo:

"Well Pat, Aramis isn't really known for stealing bases...or for running."

Go Cubs.

Punctuation, Smunctuation...

I thought I was done posting today, but then I stopped by the Trib.

Could this happen anywhere but here?

Welcome to the Curse of the Apostrophe.

Go Cubs.

Breaking News: Cubs Send Theriot to Reds!

From an AP article late today:

In a surprising move, the Cubs sent fan favorite Ryan Stewart Theriot to the Reds this afternoon for a player to be named later. In what may go down as the quickest hook in the history of MLB, the Cubs seemed to be washing their hands of the underachieving SS after an 0-5 performance on Monday's season opener.

When reached for comment, Jim Hendry said,

"To be honest, we were hoping they would send us a bag of baseballs for Ryan...not new, mind you, but at least a full bag. When they agreed to a player to be named later, we were very pleased. Our only provision was that this "player-to-be-named" was NOT Corey Patterson."

It is unclear at this point who the Cubs will be able to find to replace Theriot's .000 BA, but a source close to the organization said,

"Listen, I'm a 60-year-0ld lifetime smoker who has had two hip-replacement surgeries, a triple bypass AND I am blind in one eye, but I GUARANTEE I could get on base more than (expletive deleted)."


April Fool's or wishful thinking?

A little bit of both, I guess.

Go Cubs

Moises Answers Question No One is Asking

Apparently it's a slow news day over at the Worldwide Leader, because I came across this little gem of a link this afternoon.

Alou says he wouldn't have caught Bartman ball in 2003 NLCS

He's quoted as saying:

"Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, 'Bartman! Bartman!' I feel really bad for the kid," Alou told Associated Press columnist Jim Litke.

"You know what the funny thing is?" he added a moment later. "I wouldn't have caught it, anyway."

Why would anyone give a flying f#%k about this anymore, Moises? Go pee on your hands or something. Toolbox.

On a somehow related note, this is the perfect segue into explaining how we came up with the name of our humble little blog. Details to follow soon.

How's that for a teaser?

Go Cubs.

Fukudome...the next Jerome Walton?

I kid. I kid.

You know baseball is back when I'm sitting on the Brown Line hitting "refresh now" repeatedly on my phone on the way home from work. I did manage to scream like a crazy person after seeing "Fukudome hits 3-run homer." Scared the crap out of my fellow riders.

So they lost. So Theriot is going to be the death of me. So Kerry Wood was not a steal in round 27 of our keeper draft. So it only took one day to think the phrase "Oh yeah, we would totally rather have Fontenot than Murton in there when we need a clutch hit." So what. Just enjoy this clip and forget the rest (at least for a minute or two).




Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Opening Day for Cubs Fans: We Need a New Shortstop, Left Fielder, Closer, First Baseman, Manager, Clubhouse Attendant...

The work I actually get paid to do has been piling up over the last two weeks, so I’ve been awful about posting. But I can’t let Opening Day go by without at least throwing out a few thoughts about the day’s events. When I’m on Spring Break next week I’ll try to post as often as I can between takes for Girls Gone Wild. I can only lift my shirt up so many times before they ask me to leave. Until then, some thoughts…

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The Extra Innings Freeview might be the smartest marketing ploy Directv has ever done. After one day, I’m already trying to figure out a way to buy it and hide the charge from my wife on the bill. Can’t they just make it a blank charge, like the hotels do with porn? Not that I have ever had “Movie Charge-$14.99” on a hotel bill or anything…

For the first time ever, I actually felt bad for the President when he got the LaTroy Hawkins treatment on his way out to throw out the first pitch at the Nats game on Sunday. Don’t the fans realize that this is the one thing he does that’s actually good?

AT&T is no longer running those godawful Harry Caray commercials. The long national nightmare is over. Dutchie wasn’t too happy about them because they were “jerky.” I wasn’t too happy about them because they weren’t funny. It seems the advertising world so bereft of talent that they’ve had to resort to a parody of a guy who’s been dead 10 years. I guess the guy who does a mean Hack Wilson impression was unavailable.

Is there a reason why all Japanese players must be referred to as “imports?” No players from any other country are referred to that way. They’re not Hyundais, guys.

Don’t think that, up until yesterday, I wasn’t worried that I wasted $100 on a Fukudome jersey.

Now I just have to worry about it getting stored with my Tuffy Rhodes jersey. At least I got one day’s use out of it.

Ryan Theriot. Ugh. This one’s gonna hurt all season. I know, I know…Look how short he is! Look how white he is! Look how dirty his uniform is! He still sucks. You might as well change his number to 0-5.

Wow, the Giants are going to be bad. Like Major League: Back to the Minors bad.

Nothing says “you’re going to have a great fantasy baseball season” like watching your first pick in every league you’re in go down like he was shot in the hamstring. Somebody better pull a Myagi on Victor Martinez or I might as well just hand in my entry fee now.

I know the “Gmail Custom Time” thing is supposed to be an April Fools’ Joke, but it certainly doesn’t dispel the stereotype of tech nerds and their collective sense of humor, does it? “You can set the time back on your emails! Hilarity Ensues!”

If this blog gets shut down in the next 12 hours, that line above will be the reason why. Sorry about the joke All-Powerful-But-Still-Not-Very-Funny Google Internet Czars. It won’t happen again.