Sox End Search For Big Name Pitcher One Word Short

The Trib is reporting today that the White Sox are on the verge of bringing back the slightly svelte Bartolo Colon with a one-year incentive-laden deal. Unfortunately, they took the high-road with their assessment of his...abilities.

"No one is sure what Colon has left in his 5-foot-11-inch, 250-plus-pound body. He started only seven games for Boston last year but won four of them before straining his back while batting in an interleague game."

Boring.

Thankfully, the Sun-Times was more than ready to step in with a zinger about his weight.

"The White Sox were looking to add a veteran pitcher to compete in the starting rotation at some point this offseason, and all signs pointed toward it being the pitcher nicknamed "Big Game.''

Rather than take a chance on the ailing shoulder of Freddy Garcia, however, they are now poised to ink a certain right-hander known more for his "Big Waist.''"

Tee-hee!

Get it? He wrote 'waist' instead of 'waste' because Colon is fat. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low as to attack a person's "dietary issues."

Personally, I think this signing is a giant mistake for the White Sox, not that my opinion carries much weight. Colon will turn 36 this year, which isn't a huge deal unless you care about velocity or durability. I mean, you have to be pretty thick in the head to think that the "4 wins in 7 starts" he posted last year is ample enough evidence to give him a shot. I understand that the contract isn't large by any means, but I doubt White Sox fans are getting a chubby thinking about Colon on the mound.

At least they still have Buehrle.

Go Cubs.

Two Down, Many to Go

Pour some of that 40 out, the Trib has some sad news today.

Mike Downey departs Chicago Tribune

Mike Downey, who returned home to Chicago in 2003 as a Tribune sports columnist, is leaving the paper. "The Tribune was generous enough to make me one of the best-paid sportswriters in the history of this business, so I certainly can't fault the paper for doing this now that times are hard," Downey said Thursday.

Tribune Associate Managing Editor for Sports Dan McGrath informed his staff "with profound sadness" in a note hailing Downey, who was a must-read at the Chicago Daily News and Sun-Times before becoming a columnist for the Detroit Free Press and Los Angeles Times, as a "wise, wry, sane voice of reason."

Um, yeah.

Wise, wry, sane voice of reason? Somehow I doubt those are the words most of us would use to describe him. He was never as idiotic as Mariotti or as boring as Rogers, but he was far from a "must read." I'd give you a list of his most moronic columns over the years, but frankly I rarely read his stuff. Here is a typical conversation I've had about Downey with my buddy Brent:

Me: You see Downey's column today?
Brent: Yep.
Me: You read it?
Brent: No, saw the dumb ass headline and skipped it.
Me: Yeah.
Brent: You read it?
Me: Hell no.

Yup, that about sums it up.

So forgive me if I'm not "profoundly" saddened by his departure. On the plus side, now I have more time to not read Eric Zorn!

Go Cubs.

Ryan Dempster Signs Deal, Kicks Fans in Balls

I've really been trying to enjoy the Cubs offseason. Really. With NCAA football, the NFL and (gulp) the NHL, I have tons of sports to occupy my time. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading about the Cubs as much as possible.

Peavy? Talk to me when they make the deal.

Randy Johnson? Please let that be a joke.

Teahan? Yawn.

Other than the brief moments of joy for Soto and Lou's awards, I have kept my distance from this team. It's my way of cleansing my mind of all the pain and hatred I have built up after another year of being a Cubs fan.

Then Dempster happened.

No, I am not talking about the contract. I could devote a whole other post to that Gaetti-ish move and maybe I will. What got my attention and raised my blood pressure about 200 joules (I have no idea how you measure BP, sorry) was his comments on the playoffs. For those of you who missed it, this is what he told the Tribune:

"Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series," Dempster said. "It's like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you've got to go."

"I think sometimes we almost expected it, go out there and play hard and we're good enough and just expect it to happen, and we'll win this series and then the next one and all the excitement will happen once we get to the World Series," he said. "Maybe L.A. was just a little more prepared for us than we were for them."

"It almost felt like it was just going to be a given that we win Games 1 and 2 and move on and go from there," he said. "You still have to play the games. You have to put the uniform on, go out there and compete. If anything we've learned that."

Sweet baby Jesus.

When I first read that, I assumed he was kidding. Not that it was a particularly good joke, but the alternative was mind-boggling dumb. Then I read it again. And again. And again.

(Banging head on table)

So you're telling me, Ryan, that what the Cubs have "learned" is that you have to be prepared for the playoffs?

Are you saying that professional baseball players, many of whom had been to the postseason before, ASSUMED that all they had to do was show up? Really? You didn't know how "ready" you needed to be? Are you kidding me? It's a five game series! You know what that means? Best of 3 wins! Who in their right mind, ESPECIALLY CUBS PLAYERS, assume you are going to win?

Were you shocked that the Dodgers even showed up for Game 1? I mean, surely if you guys thought it was a "given that we win Games 1 and 2," the Dodgers must have thought the same. Right? Pretty brave of them to make the trip anyway if you ask me.

As fans, we have spent the last month or so trying to forget how much that series sucked and you show up saying that you think you lost because you weren't prepared. Why not say there was a flu bug going around so you guys weren't at full strength? Why not say the pressure got to you? Why not say it was too cold? Hell, we'd even be OK if you told us you had money on the Dodgers. But to say you weren't prepared is a fucking (sorry, Mom) insult.

When you say "we weren't prepared," you know what I hear. YOU weren't prepared, Ryan. YOU assumed you'd win Game 1. That would explain the 7 walk, 4 and two-thirds bed crapper of a game you pitched. Awesome. Basically, you let YOUR success up to that point (which means exactly zilch) go to your head. Thanks. No really. We appreciated the effort.

Next time, do us a favor, just sign your bloated new deal and shut the fuck up.

Go Cubs.

Publicity 101

With Mark Cuban’s recent announcement that “hey, I’m still interested in the Cubs,” it got me wondering whether or not this Joe-Six-Pack’s wet dream had a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. My answer? Of-fucking-course not. So why is Cuban so intent on letting everyone within earshot know that he’s willing to “pull out all the stops” in pursuit of the Cubs?

There are only a few possible answers as I can see.

Read More...

1. He thinks he may be able to totally overwhelm Zell with an offer that simply cannot be refused. Its fairly well known that MLB strong armed their way into getting John Henry’s bid for the Red Sox accepted (even though it wasn’t the highest). Maybe Cuban thinks if he offers a ridiculously high bid for the Cubs AND makes it well known in the media just how much more he offered than any other bidder, he couldn’t be denied. The Tribune’s financial woes are such that it is possible that they couldn’t justify denying such an overwhelming (and very public) bid. Furthermore, given that MLB has been Congress’ bitch for the last two years or so, denying a bid that is significantly higher than any other for no other reason than the guy making it doesn’t belong to Skull and Bones might get them another round in front of the humble Senator from Iowa. I’m sure they’d like to avoid that kind of hassle.

2. He wants the publicity so he can market his other companies, like HDNet, 2929 Entertainment and Landmark Theatres. I’m not really sure what kind of cross-promotional advantage his public pursuit of the Cubs would bring to these companies, but who knows.

3. Ego. Its obvious that Cuban enjoys being in the spotlight, and why wouldn’t he? He’s beloved by practically every fan of professional sports, and has the perfect reputation: the everyman who gets rich overnight. The guy is Mr. Deeds, even down to the $5 haircut. There is no better way to promote himself than to mount an aggressively public campaign for one of the ten most recognizable sports franchises in the world. Even if (when) his bid gets rejected, it becomes just another example of the Old Boys Club keeping the average guy out, and his reputation grows.

Regardless, #2 and #3 are far more likely reasons behind Cuban’s bid for the Cubs. But what if he were to actually succeed in his bid for the team? Would it really make a difference on the field?

Most likely, while he’d make it a hell of a lot more fun for the average fan (and make our job a whole lot easier), the actual on-field impact would most certainly be minimal, at least in the short-term. The team has a large number of long-term salary commitments, and free agency is more likely to bring a player like Barry Zito than Vladimir Guerrero (I had to look hard to find the last free agent who actually has lived up to his contract).

If he were willing to spend even more money to upgrade the scouting department and hire a competent statistically-inclined GM, the impact would come in the long-term. Renovations of Wrigley Field would also be a long-term process whose benefits wouldn’t be immediately apparent (and would probably cost him a little goodwill in the process).

So while Mark Cuban’s pursuit of the Cubs is fun for fans and columnists, the likelihood of a successful bid is minimal, and the impact of a successful purchase by Cuban is more likely to be in the public relations department more so than on the field, at least in the short term. But hey, it would be fun to read blogmaverick over the next few years. Maybe his online chats could rival Muskat’s or Sullivan’s in their pure stupidity.

100 and Counting...

That's not a typo. The little Cubs blog that could has made it to a milestone...100 Posts! I want to take this opportunity to thank our regular readers (thanks Jeff and Mom!) and all the people who have stopped by now and then to see if we had fallen on our faces yet. It's been a lot of fun.

In honor of this festive occasion, we've decided to do a list (I know, we're nothing if not original).

100 Random Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 1

1. I’ve never listened to Len and Bob’s Podcast and I’m OK with that.

2. I wish I could time my craps like Pat Hughes. You could set your watch to that man's BMs.

3. Geovany Soto is the second coming of…man, we’ve had a lot of shitty catchers over the years.

4. Someone needs to kick Ronnie Woo Woo in the throat (yes, the anger management classes are working, thanks for asking).

5. “If you hate him so much, why do you continue to read his stuff?” is the question the logical part of my brain asks me each time I finish reading a Mariotti column. I wish I had an answer.

6. There’s hell, there’s the 7th circle of hell and then there’s listening to the another worthless guest conductor during the seventh inning stretch. For the love of God, make it stop.

7. I want a championship for Ron Santo so bad it actually hurts.

8. “That ball’s got a chance…gone!” is quickly becoming my favorite home run call.

9. God Damn it Fontenot, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this o'lay bullshit.

10. It’s not officially summer until you hear: “Ladies and gentleman, here to sing ‘Take Me Out to The Ballgame’…the Illinois class 2A Girls Field Hockey Champions!”

11. Every time I’m flipping channels and I come across Chicago Tribune Live on Comcast SportsNet, I die a little inside. (I know, let’s put GIANT pictures of the sports page behind us! That will really class up this broadcast!)

12. I can’t explain it, but I really get a kick out of Pat Hughes describing the uniforms. It’s so old-timey!

13. You know what the difference is between a good Cubs game and a bad one? Rich Hill. (Zing!)

14. I found out recently that there’s a drinking game where you do a shot ever time Zambrano adjusts himself on the mound. How has no one died playing this yet?

15. I wish I could have been in the meeting when the Comcast execs came up with the “Let’s have a bulldog as a mascot!” idea. If that was the big winner, how bad where the rest of the ideas?

16. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you notice that they haven't put up a new number on one of the games on the out-of-town scoreboard in long time and then you suddenly realize you’ve got the pitcher on your fantasy team. Ruins my day every time.

17. I always see the foam claw vendor, but I never actually see any foam claws in the stands. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

18. Finding out that Corey Patterson was the worst lead off hitter in the majors this year made me smile. Then I thought, how could he be worse than Soriano? Then I cried.

19. In my opinion, the jersey t-shirt may be the greatest invention since squeezable ketchup bottles. If only they had been around when I thought it was a wise investment to spend 90 bucks on a f*#king Corey Patterson jersey.

20. I haven’t heard a lot of “F#*k You Dome” jokes so far this year. Maybe that’s because I haven’t sat in the bleachers yet.

21-40 Coming Soon!

Punctuation, Smunctuation...

I thought I was done posting today, but then I stopped by the Trib.

Could this happen anywhere but here?

Welcome to the Curse of the Apostrophe.

Go Cubs.