Ryan Dempster Signs Deal, Kicks Fans in Balls

I've really been trying to enjoy the Cubs offseason. Really. With NCAA football, the NFL and (gulp) the NHL, I have tons of sports to occupy my time. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading about the Cubs as much as possible.

Peavy? Talk to me when they make the deal.

Randy Johnson? Please let that be a joke.

Teahan? Yawn.

Other than the brief moments of joy for Soto and Lou's awards, I have kept my distance from this team. It's my way of cleansing my mind of all the pain and hatred I have built up after another year of being a Cubs fan.

Then Dempster happened.

No, I am not talking about the contract. I could devote a whole other post to that Gaetti-ish move and maybe I will. What got my attention and raised my blood pressure about 200 joules (I have no idea how you measure BP, sorry) was his comments on the playoffs. For those of you who missed it, this is what he told the Tribune:

"Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series," Dempster said. "It's like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you've got to go."

"I think sometimes we almost expected it, go out there and play hard and we're good enough and just expect it to happen, and we'll win this series and then the next one and all the excitement will happen once we get to the World Series," he said. "Maybe L.A. was just a little more prepared for us than we were for them."

"It almost felt like it was just going to be a given that we win Games 1 and 2 and move on and go from there," he said. "You still have to play the games. You have to put the uniform on, go out there and compete. If anything we've learned that."

Sweet baby Jesus.

When I first read that, I assumed he was kidding. Not that it was a particularly good joke, but the alternative was mind-boggling dumb. Then I read it again. And again. And again.

(Banging head on table)

So you're telling me, Ryan, that what the Cubs have "learned" is that you have to be prepared for the playoffs?

Are you saying that professional baseball players, many of whom had been to the postseason before, ASSUMED that all they had to do was show up? Really? You didn't know how "ready" you needed to be? Are you kidding me? It's a five game series! You know what that means? Best of 3 wins! Who in their right mind, ESPECIALLY CUBS PLAYERS, assume you are going to win?

Were you shocked that the Dodgers even showed up for Game 1? I mean, surely if you guys thought it was a "given that we win Games 1 and 2," the Dodgers must have thought the same. Right? Pretty brave of them to make the trip anyway if you ask me.

As fans, we have spent the last month or so trying to forget how much that series sucked and you show up saying that you think you lost because you weren't prepared. Why not say there was a flu bug going around so you guys weren't at full strength? Why not say the pressure got to you? Why not say it was too cold? Hell, we'd even be OK if you told us you had money on the Dodgers. But to say you weren't prepared is a fucking (sorry, Mom) insult.

When you say "we weren't prepared," you know what I hear. YOU weren't prepared, Ryan. YOU assumed you'd win Game 1. That would explain the 7 walk, 4 and two-thirds bed crapper of a game you pitched. Awesome. Basically, you let YOUR success up to that point (which means exactly zilch) go to your head. Thanks. No really. We appreciated the effort.

Next time, do us a favor, just sign your bloated new deal and shut the fuck up.

Go Cubs.

Maybe I Wasn't Clear Enough Before...

1) Throw Strikes.
2) Play Good Defense.
3) Walk Manny Whenever Possible.

Maybe just give it a shot and see what happens. I mean, you can't get any worse...

Go Cubs.

Are You There God? It's Me, Carlos.

Oh boy.

That wasn't really the start to the post season I was picturing. Apparently, Dempster isn't one of my three readers and missed the post yesterday about throwing strikes. Crap.

So now what?

Well, if we were ranking worst-case scenarios...this one is probably top 3, maybe even #1. Why? The LAST thing we need tonight is Carlos thinking he has to play the hero. The man has enough trouble keeping it together normally, what do you think will happen when he assumes it's his job to save the Cubs season? I know that answer. He's gonna try to throw the ball THROUGH Soto.

Maybe I'm a pessimist, but just the thought of a pumped up Z out there tonight throwing straight-as-an-arrow 97 MPH heaters gives me IBS. We all know Carlos works best at or below 94 MPH. That's when his sinker is most effective. Basically, in Z's case, speed kills. So the more emotional he is or the more pressure he puts on himself, the harder he throws. The harder he throws, the less the ball sinks. The less the ball sinks, the more it stays in the zone. The more it stays in the zone, the sooner we can start talking about next year.

I am a fan of Carlos, don't get me wrong, but this is the EXACT scenario that was keeping me up at night. Z on the mound at home in a must-win game. Most pitchers feed off these high pressure situations. Z loses his friggin' mind. The only way it could be worse was if let's say the umps seemed to be enforcing a smaller strike zone than normal...oh wait. So not only will Z be over-throwing every pitch, he won't be getting the calls he thinks he should be getting. I'm sure that will improve the situation. Kill me now.

I could be totally wrong about this, who knows. Maybe Carlos is a different beast this fall. Maybe he can channel his emotions like he did up in Miller Park. Maybe he can hit his spots and dominate. I THINK he can. I'll BELIEVE IT after I see his MPH in the 1st.

No pressure radar gun dude.

Go Cubs.

If You Squint Your Eyes Real Tight and Tilt Your Head to the Side a Little...He Looks Just Like Pujols.

(Or maybe my crystal meth habit is getting a tad out of hand. It's one of the two for sure.)

There has been a lot of hand-wringing going on this week about this "new look" Dodgers team.

"This is a different team than the one the Cubs dominated earlier in the year," they cry.

"Manny makes them a serious threat to pull off the upset," they wail.

"Jeff Kent is still playing? God, that guy's a douche," they whine.

Actually, that third one was me, but you get the drift.

Manny Ramirez will single-handily beat the Cubs and then eat all city's first born children!

What do I say? Ridiculous.

I am by no means discounting Manny's playoff prowess or the fact that this Dodgers team is MUCH better with him on the roster. Manny is very, very good. Clinically insane? Probably. But one hell of a ball player nonetheless. But that doesn't mean we should all quake in our collective boots when we think about the Cubs having to face him this week.

Why? Because the Cubs know exactly how to handle a guy like Manny. In fact, they've been facing the NL version of him for 8 friggin' years now. I am, of course, speaking of the Lord of the Turds himself, Albert "Please Don't Consider The Fact That My Team Finished in Fourth Place When You Submit Your MVP Ballot" Pujols.

Now, I know what you're thinking (not really, but for the sake of this post just assume that I can read your minds). Pujols and Manny are nothing alike! One is a All-Star talent who drives in a ton of runs and plays gold-glove caliber defense. The other is an All-Star talent who drives in a ton of runs and sometimes forgets to bring his glove with him when he takes field. True. But, when it comes to facing both these dangerous hitters, the approach is the same.

Limit the Damage.

As we see time after time when the Cubs and Cardinals hook up, the primary goal is to make sure Albert doesn't beat you. The philosophy is simple. Get the guys in front of him out and pray that he doesn't hit 7 solo shots and beat you anyway. Basically, just focus on getting the "table-setters" in the lineup out. It's a simple plan, but one that the Cubs are familiar with and relatively good at accomplishing.

Players like Manny and Pujols are gonna get their hits, it's just a fact. But if you can make sure that the results of those hits are negligible, you can and should win. Open bases become your biggest weapon against these types of hitters (that, and in Manny's case, pretty butterflies).

Not to over-simplify the Cubs approach this week, but it should be as straight-forward as...

1) Throw strikes.
2) Play good defense.
3) Walk Manny whenever possible.

That's it.

As long as the Cubs can do these three things, Manny won't beat them. If they don't do #1 and #2, they won't be able to do #3 and, well...let's just not think about that for now.

(shuddering)

Go Cubs.

The NL Playoff Contenders Have A New Zipcode!

With the boring baseball on display over the past three days, I found myself thinking about the postseason.

So many questions are still unanswered at this point:

Will Ned Yost join the Fox team so we can all giggle when he's asked about how to best manage pitchers?

Can they find someone even douchier than Dane Cook to top last year's "THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!" commercials?

Will they actually blow up Shea with the Mets still inside when they miss the playoffs?

But thanks to endless 90210 promos on CW/WGN AMERICA these days, one question stuck out.

If the (current) playoff teams were characters on the original Beverly Hills 90210, who would they be?

The Los Angeles Dodgers as...

David Silver.

David spent most of his early years on 90210 just trying to fit in with all the "cooler kids" at West Beverly. He worked really hard to get accepted...sometimes too hard. You wanted to like his chances of succeeding, but at the same time you knew that the rest of the group basically thought of him as an also-ran. The general consensus on the Dodgers is no different. No matter how hard they try, they are still only a whopping 6 games over .500 and are actually having a hard time holding off the "surging" Rockies (68-83). No one outside of LA thinks thinks of them as a threat in the post season. Good news? At least Manny puts out.

The Philadelphia Phillies as...

Brandon Walsh.

The hair, the Mustang, the strong morals...Brandon was really the complete package. Other than some gambling issues and poor decision-making in the girlfriend department (I'm looking at you, Emily), he basically could do no wrong. Problem was, he was boring as hell to watch. You always found yourself wishing he'd screw up once in awhile to shake things up. Same thing with the Phillies. Sure, they can hit, field and throw with the best of them, but at the end of the day you find yourself wishing for something more.

The New York Mets as...

Dylan McKay.

Maybe it was the fact that he didn't give a shit that made him so appealing. Or maybe it was the fact he was a closet Elvis Impersonator. Either way, you loved Dylan in all his wet suit glory. Each week, you were glued to the TV to see how far he could fall and if JUST ONCE he would heed Jim Walsh's advice. He defined train wreck. Sound familiar? Each fall, we all watch with glee as the Mets begin their inevitable collapse. No matter how much talent they have, they just can't seem to keep it together. If I were this girl:

I would stay as far away from Shea as possible.

The Chicago Cubs as...

Steve Sanders.

Overlooked early on as just another spoiled rich kid with an embarrassing haircut, Steve blossomed into the coolest guy on the show. He made up for a lack of cool sideburns and some questionable academic choices with a laid back attitude, a sweet corvette and some pretty rad zoobas. He even almost accomplished the impossible...making frat boys look cool. You loved him because he was the happy medium between the annoying angel Brandon and the boring bad boy Dylan. He came across as the kind of guy you see yourself hanging out with at a bar. That's the Cubs in a nut shell. Millionaire ball players who aren't too full of themselves. Down-to-earth guys who are easy to root for. Sure they have a swagger, but really they're just a bunch of dudes having fun playing baseball...sadly, however, without the permed mullets.

And finally...

The Milwaukee Brewers as...

Scott Scanlon

Just like Scott, the Brewers had a promising future ahead of them this fall. Tons of talent, fun to watch and that infectious kind of "nerdy outsider" appeal that made you really want good things to happen for them.

Unfortunately, they shot themselves in the gut...and died.

Go Cubs!

PS. In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my friends strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize. Just wanted to get that out there.

Side Note: Did anyone else keep picturing the Astros manager running into Bob Uecker in the hallway after Monday's game, having a flashback of his "One hit? All we got is one god damn hit?" line from Major League and then killing Bob with his own shoe. Anyone? Tell me I wasn't the only one who thought of this. Bueller?