Of Course It's Not Your Fault

Paul Sullivan' article in the Trib today featured to VERY different takes on the Cubs offensive woes of late.

D-Lee:
"Let's not blow it out of proportion," Lee said. "It's two games. Carpenter is the nastiest pitcher I've faced all year. No excuses. We're professionals. We've got to score, but just don't blow it out of proportion."

Milton Bradley:
"I'm the main culprit," Bradley said. "I'm having terrible at-bats. Just not doing anything, not even hitting the ball out of the infield."

For all the bad press Milton gets for his temper and crazy behavior at least he has the cajones to step up and put the blame on himself instead of trying to make his suckiness about the media. Maybe Derrek should spend more time in the batting cage and less time worrying about what the media thinks of his performance.

I've had it with this dude.

Bring on Micah (or Fox).

Go Cubs.

What Has Two Thumbs and the Ability to Kill a Winning Streak? This Guy.

That's right ladies and gents, the nightmare is back! Against the advice of friends, family, and the occasional angry commenter, I have decided to lift my self-imposed ban and once again return to Wrigley Field.

Please hide the women and children, wrap Aramis in bubble tape, and PLEASE, for the love of God, don't bet on the Cubs this afternoon. Nothing good can or will happen today.

As my four readers are well aware, I am now riding a personal best 10 game losing streak dating back to the beginning of last year. Ten times, I have stepped inside the historic ballpark known as the Friendly Confines and 10 times the Cubs have lost...in a row.

Then why am I going back, you ask? Well, for two reasons.

1) I have been given free tickets to a suite where I will be able to enjoy copious amounts of free beer.

2) Actually, it's just the one reason.

So wave bye-bye to the four-game winning streak; say too-ta-loo to the return of D-Lee's power stroke; and wish the juiced-up Theriot happy trails.

It all comes crashing back to Earth right around 1:20 pm CST today.

My condolences.

Go Cubs.

P.S. In my pre-defense, they are going up against the reigning Cy Young winner, Tim Lincecum, today, so the blame can't all be on my shoulders, right? Right? Bueller?

UPDATE: Pre-defense Part II:

This is the lineup that Lou is trotting out there today. Wow. Murder's Row. The loss will soooo not be my fault.

J. Gathright cf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.111
A. Miles ss	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.190
K. Fukudome rf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.312
D. Lee 1b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.207
M. Hoffpauir lf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.324
M. Fontenot 3b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.266
B. Scales 2b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
K. Hill c	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.323
S. Marshall p

18 Games In...I'm Out.

Call me irrational. Call me a quitter. Call me a typical "the sky is falling" Cubs fan. I don't care. After 18 games of mostly lousy baseball, I'm done. I can't stand watching this team. Every time I turn them on, I get sick to my stomach. I should have known better too. Hendry never really gave them a shot to be successful. Gone are the veteran bats that could get the big hit in the clutch (Read: DeRosa and Edmonds). In their place are an always injured basket case who's hitting TWENTY (not 200, TWENTY) and Aaron Miles (Sucks). Good god. Throw in Soto's sophomore slump along with D-Lee's rotting corpse and I am actually shocked that they have won two games, let alone nine.

And then there is the pitching.

Ignoring the starters for a moment (who have been at least serviceable), this team's pen is filled with one mind-boggling question after another. Why does Neal Cotts even get to suit up for games? Does he have some nude photos of Lou and a 13-year-old Guatemalan boy? Why was throwing away 5 million on everyone's favorite Frenchman and Vizcaino a good idea? Why stretch out Smarj only to use him out of the pen when he gets the call? Why did anyone think giving the ball to a kid who hadn't pitched above Double-A would work? Why sign a closer with a gimp knee? Why continue to mess with the already paper-thin psyche of your closer-in-waiting by yo-yoing him between holding and saving? Why is it so impossible for this collection of stiffs to find the strike zone? I could go on and on.

Throw in the typical Cubs base running gaffes and their continued refusal to make the easy play in the outfield and this team may well be on its way to a worse under-achieving performance than...2004. That's right, I said it.

So I am done. I'm out. F this team. I've washed my hands of them...at least until around 8:40 CT tonight.

Go Cubs.

Time to Dust(y) Off the Live Blog

What better way to celebrate Dusty Baker's first visit to Wrigley in 2009 than with a live blog! Why a live blog you ask? Two reasons.

1) It's what we do here at FOTG when we are all out of original ideas.
2) It means I am not at the game tonight, which is better for everyone.

Stay tuned!

Go Cubs.

7:00PM:
If there is a better highlight than walk-off HR against the Cards, I have never seen it. Starting a bit late today, which gives us a few extra minutes with Len and Bob. Life is good.

7:02PM:
Fans of the new 90120 must hate the Cubs. They keep having their show bumped to midnight by these 7PM starts. Speaking of the new 90210, who the hell is still watching that pile of trash?

7:06PM:
I always feel bad for the Cubs Care guy. The only time he gets to be interviewed on air is during a rain delay...when no one is watching.

7:10PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of Harden. 1) He needs to get his pitch count down. 2) Rich should be able to handle tonight's weather because he's from Canada. Wow.

7:12PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of the weather. "If it's nice out you play, if it's not you don't." Thanks again, Lou.

7:15PM:
Game time. Micah still playing right. Let's do this.

7:18PM:
Dusty is still a douche. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

7:20PM:
Rich has the nasty stuff working tonight in the 1st. Will he have it in the 3rd is the question of the night.

7:21PM:
If I was betting on the commercial we see the most tonight, I'd say it's the Will.I.AM-Bob Dylan Pepsi ad. I've already seen it 4 times in the last 15 minutes.

7:24PM:
Wow. Jay Bruce nearly ran over Taveras. Would have been great for the Cubs and disastrous for my fantasy team.

7:26PM:
Gotta love a long stretch of games in a row. Gives me an excuse to drink each day.

7:27PM:
D-Lee flies out, again. I know it's still early, but I am starting to believe that 2005 was a fluke.

7:29PM:
Damn, I forgot about the Comcast triple play ad. It's gonna be a tight race between that and the Pepsi ad. Am I the only one who notices these things.

7:30PM:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There was just a teaser for the WGN news tonight that mentioned the Midwest's largest strip club is opening soon. Why am I just hearing about this now?

7:32PM:
Fontenot makes a bid for a web gem with his "leap" and grab of a looping liner. Great play. Jay Bruce follows with a HR. Bad play (unless, hypothetically, you have him on your fantasy team).
1-0 Reds.

7:35PM:
I have no stats to back this up, but I think Harden does better when he doesn't have a ton of strikeouts. I'd check Cubs.com to verify this theory, but I'd rather surf for porn.

7:37PM:
Our first Micah v. Micah match-up is won by Hoffpauir. Suck on that, Owings. (I have no idea if I spelled either of those names correctly.)

7:42PM:
Anytime Aramis plays in weather like this, I pray for homers and singles. The last thing we need is for him to pull his groin trying to leg out a double. Actually, that may apply to all weather conditions now that I think about it.

7:44PM:
First Micah HR of a Micah. That's a stat we all needed. Thanks WGN!

7:45PM:
Geo still struggling, although he did move the always-grimacing-when-he-runs-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-me Aramis to third with a fly ball.

7:48PM:
Anyone who still boos when the pitcher throws to first should be kicked in the junk. Repeatedly. Why are you booing? Are you in a hurry?

7:49PM:
Theriot stays surface-of-the-sun hot and smokes a single to left. 2-1 good guys. Harden follows with a beautiful bunt that results in a hit. Bases drunk for you know who.

7:51PM:
Even with the bases loaded and the wind blowing in from left, I'd walk him. That's why my phone never rings when there is a managing vacancy.

7:55PM:
Fuku is first pitch swinging (because that makes sense when the pitcher is wild) and flies out to center. Cubs leave them loaded, but score two in the inning. That's so Cubs.

7:57PM:
Unrelated: My wife is getting her hair cut tonight and when I asked her how long it would take, she said "two hours." She wasn't joking. Reason #4,567 I'm glad I'm a dude.

7:59PM:
Two straight Ks for Harden. He apparently didn't read my scouting report. Jerk.

8:01PM:
Willy T. pops out to Lee at the exact same moment that I realize I didn't start Bruce this week. Coincidence? I doubt it.

8:03PM:
Two things. 1) Why does Brenly have to scream the promotions he reads? 2) What does D-Lee have against taking a pitch?

8:04PM:
Micah v. Micah Round 2 goes to Hoff with a base on balls. All is for not as Aramis grounds into a DP. Hooray.

8:10PM:
A stray cat wandered onto the field and a security guy decided to pick it up by its tail...which got him booed by those in attendance. That might be the first legit boo by Cubs fans in years. That guy better watch out for the PETA mafia on his way home tonight. Just saying.

8:17PM:
And...then the fans ruin their one-straight good boo streak by booing a fan for catching a not-at-all-in-play foul ball near the "Bartman area" in left. Good times. 2-2 after three and a half.

8:25PM:
Theriot's .415 BA is making it harder and harder for me to hate him for no particular reason. Striking out, though, keeps the hatred alive. Cubs go quietly in the 4th.

8:29PM:
Unrelated #2: An anonymous tipster sent the Consumerist a picture of a new Burger King sandwich that is in the works that is a "sloppy joe inside a fried shell."

It may be because I am starving, but that sounds delicious.

8:35PM:
Willy Taveras uses his speed to reach with an infield single, followed by Brenly using "ironically" wrong. Not sure which one makes me more mad. D-Lee digs out a throw from Theriot to end the inning. Still dueces up (2-2).

8:41PM:
How long does Fuku have to play well this year to be considered a non-bust? 150 games? 130? Seems like everyone I talk to is just waiting for his collapse to begin. In interest of full disclosure, I am one of those people.

8:45PM:
D-Lee CRUSHES it to left, but the wind holds it in. Fortunately for the Cubs, the OF somehow muffs it and the bases are again intoxicated. I know there is no way to measure this, but that may be the hardest hit single of all time.

8:48PM:
Micah v. Micah round 3 again goes to Micah H. as he hits a sac fly to deep center. 3-2 Cubs. (YELLING) Larry, I have the rounds at 10-7 (knockdown), 10-9, 10-8! Micah Owings needs a big round here or he's got not chance!

8:54PM:
Speaking of boxing (see what I did there?), Aramis lands the knockout blow with a RBI single to right and Micah is down for the count. 4-2 Cubs.

8:56PM:
Bad omen? Bud Light Fan Cam, featuring the musical styling of Wang Chung tonight, experiences some technical difficulties. Not good. Not good at all.

8:58PM:
Reds reliever Lincoln plunks Fontenot and walks Soto which plates a run and brings...wait for it...brings Dick Pole to the Mound. I think I have that DVD somewhere. 5-2 Cubs as we head to the 6th.

9:07PM:
I am pretty sure that the Reds didn't score in the 6th, but I helping the wife pack for Baltimore. Unrelated #3: While I have never been to Baltimore, I am nearly certain that the question "Do you wanna go to Baltimore?" is always answered with "Not even on a dare."

9:12PM:
Soriano smokes the bag with a ball and somehow ends up with a double. During the play, Votto takes out the legs of Bruce and nearly ends the season of both my fantasy teams simultaneous. I may have pooped myself a little bit.

9:18PM
Lincoln apparently is attempting to throw pitches with his eye closed again. He hits Fuku and then walks D-Lee. Dusty FINALLY gives him the hook. I know I speak for everyone when I say that if nothing else, Dusty is a god when it comes to managing his pitchers.

9:21PM
Bob Brenly just describes the motion needed to throw a screw ball as "turning a door knob counter-clockwise if you are a righty and clockwise if you are a lefty." I hurt my forearm just thinking about that. I'm day to day with an arm.

9:23PM
After Reed strikes out, Aramis says "I FEAR NOT YOUR SILLY PITCH!" with a two-run scoring single to right. 7-2 Tiny Bears.

9:29PM
Even with a 7-2 lead, this bullpen's not-being-able-to-get-outs-ness worries me.

9:36PM
The Class 4A basketball champs are gonna sing? THE CLASS 4A BASKETBALL CHAMPS ARE GONNA SING!

9:38PM
As the fans begin their on-going debate over which field "sucks," The Riot keeps on keeping on with another single. Two on, two out as Aaron Miles (Sucks) comes in to pinch "hit." Color me excited.

9:43PM
A full five minutes later, Aaron Miles (Sucks) is still at the dish. Will wonders never cease?

9:44PM
Aaron Miles (Sucks) strikes out, proving my question to be rhetorical.

9:48PM
Neal Cotts is warming up which means somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan is crying.

9:49PM
The bases continue to be unable to hold their liquor as they are now loaded for D-Lee. With two outs making it impossible for him to hit into a DP, I am guessing walk.

9:53PM
Lee proves me wrong and flies out to shortest left. Sigh.

9:59PM
Cotts follows a full-count K with a first pitch single and a walk. Somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan has thrown something breakable at something hard.

10:04PM
Cotts is relieved of his duties (let us hope permanently) as Marmol comes in and induces a quick fly out. He then proceeds to throw at Jay Bruce's knee solidifying the fact that God hates my fantasy team. Marmol K's Bruce and the the lead remains 5.

10:07PM
We have a late charge in the most seen commercial race tonight as Southwest's "Lady Boxing Out On the Elevator" makes its move!

10:07PM
Bob and Len discuss how far it is from Puerto Rico to Seattle. That's what you get with a 5-run lead.

10:12PM
Is it just me or does it seem like they crank up the outfield mics in games like this? All I can hear are the drunken morons screaming at each other. Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky.

10:16PM
Maybe I am an idiot, but why exactly is Bradley appealing his suspension? Since he's not on the DL, he would have served his suspension already if he doesn't hit tonight. I understand there are principalities involved here, but they seem trivial at best.

10:12PM
Viscaino in to close it out. All 3,000 fans left are thrilled.

10:25PM
The ump appears to have no plans tonight as he calls a borderline strike three pitch a ball. Next pitch is hit off the wall. Jerry Hairston Jr. then gets booed for no reason other than the drunks kind of remember his name...sort of.

10:25PM
JHJ takes strike three looking and the Cubs wrap up another one. Time to sing.

Go Cubs.

One Shining Moment (Well, Three Actually)

What, you thought I'd put a picture of the NBA's next Cherokee Parks here? Keep dreaming.

So yesterday wasn't all bad, right? Before the national nightmare came to fruition (Tyler Hansbrough: NCAA Champion), your Chicago Cubs took the field for opening day 2009 and actually managed to win for once. Will wonders never cease? The game was entertaining and gave us a glimpse at what this latest version of Lou's club will play like. There was some good, some bad and some Fuku.

The Good
Aramis and Soriano
Leadoff homers? Check. Both Ramirez and Soriano seemed to be seeing the ball rather well last night and smacked a couple of Oswalt "fastballs" into the seats in left. Good sign. Both are now on pace for 162 HRs this year, which would be a record of some sort.

Big Z
I was a shocked as anyone to see Carlos pitching well on opening day. I guess that the 5th time is the charm. Sinker wasn't really working and he ran out of petrol towards the end, but a win is a win is a win is a win.

Bullpen
Heilman (aka the guy I forgot was on the club) looked decent pitching out of a mini-jam in the 7th. Marmol did his best Scott Schields impersonation (creating drama and then getting out of it) in the 8th and Gregg closed out a shaky 9th for the W. Could have been better, but at least now we know if nothing else, it's gonna be "entertaining" to watch these guys all year.

The Bad
D-Lee
0-fer with a K, two ground outs and one warning track power shot. Is it too early to replace him with Micah? Probably, but remember where you heard it first.

"Guys in the Truck"
Replays kept running over actual live ABs last night. Come on fellas, you are better than this. (Sorry, not a lot to be mad about after a win in the first game of the year.)

The Fuku
The now "acclimated" Fukudome went 0-fer and looked lost (still) at the plate. Brenly mentioned that it would "behoove" him to get off to a hot start which is about a 1000 times nicer than what I was saying about him. He looked so bad I was actually talking myself into a lineup with Bradley in center with Micah in right...and I was sober. Not a good start.

All in all, it was just great to have baseball back. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I found myself watching eight consecutive hours yesterday. God bless you, DirecTV and your free week of MLB Extra Innings.

Go Cubs.

PS. Thanks to Rush the Court, here is last night's One Shining Moment in case you missed it.

Spring Training Extras: We Need More BP

Still have a few videos to post before the Cubs start to play some actual games.

Today's installment: The Odd Couple (aka the strangest BP pairing ever)



Go Cubs.

Cubs Spring Training: Day Five Pictures

Good to see Santo and Sutcliffe at the park today.



Go Cubs.

Cubs Spring Training: Day Four Photos

Cubs Spring Training: Day Three Photos

Perfect weather over at Fitch Field today. Got some more great shots of BP and some fielding drills. Enjoy!




More videos and "analysis" coming soon. Stay tuned!

Go Cubs.

48 Hours, 48 Questions

Hey look, it's a post with a theme!

So the FOTG team (or at least two of us) is a mere 48 hours away from our week-long excursion to Arizona. Spring Training is finally here! That being said, I realized that there is still a lot we don't know about this team and it's potential for heart-breakedness (copyright pending). So as I continue to count down the hours until "wheels down" in AZ, I thought I'd count down the top 48 questions I will attempt to answer during our time amongst Lou's crew.

1) What are the chances that Milton Bradley's ice glare will make me pee myself?

2) With sex symbol DeRo no longer with the club, who will be my wife's new creepy crush?

3) Which non-roster invitee will cause me to whisper "I was unaware he was still amongst the living?"

4) What is the over/under on the first Roberto Alomar AIDS-related joke?

5) How will I cope with a Spring Training sans Matt Murton and his ginger locks?

6) Since the NBA All-Star game is in town, will I regret not packing my Kevlar vest?

7) Will anyone outside the Japanese media be excited to see Fuku?

8) How many In-N-Out burgers is too many?

9) Will Marmol's arm fall off on Tuesday or Wednesday?

10) On the scale of 1-10, how awkward will the College of Idiots-FOTG meetup be?

11) Is there a place on the planet other that Arizona that I can both love and loathe at the same time?

12) Is it socially acceptable to drink at 9AM Western time?

13) Mountain time?

14) What the hell time zone is Arizona in again?

15) Can I hug Ron Santo without being tackled by security?

16) How much jail time would I get for punching Mark Giengreco in the junk?

17) At what point does hanging out on the ASU campus go from curiosity to pedophilia?

18) Will I be more excited to see an NBA player or an NBA groupie?

19) So Taguchi?

20) With a name like Rocky Roquet, how can you not make the team?

21) Is Bobby Scales the greatest Spring Training player ever?

22) Is it socially acceptable to drop-kick an eight-year-old while chasing down a foul ball?

23) Who wins in a knife fight, Len or Bob?

24) Why in the name of all that is holy do they have to start at 9 flippin' AM?

25) With Wuertz, Hill, Pie and Ronny gone, who will fill the void of suck?

26) What is the point of the WBC again and why is it a good idea to have Marmol pitching in it?

27) Lou Pinella, boxers or briefs?

28) If the guy sitting next to me at the blackjack table splits 10's, am I within my legal rights to end his life?

29) When staring at a stranger's wife's breasts in the hot tub, how long is too long?

30) Do baseball players work out in the off season or just eat?

31) Just as a precaution, shouldn't they just wrap Bradley, Harden and Soriano in bubble tape for the entire Spring Training?

32) How long after I put on my Murton jersey t-shirt will my friends start ripping me a new one?

33) Considering the level of "talent" present, what is the graduation rate for heterosexual males at ASU? 10%?

34) What kind a moron decides to do a list of 48 questions?

35) Whatever happened to 2005 Derrek Lee?

36) How many more years are left in Soriano's contract again?

37) Aaron Miles, seriously?

38) Am I supposed to be creeped out or honored having a Cubs player in full uniform at the urinal next to me?

39) Does Lou own an actual jersey or just a bunch of warm-ups?

40) Is there anything more inspiring than seeing Santo walking around a baseball field?

41) So, have they traded for Peavy yet?

42) Is there anyone under the age of 65 living in Mesa?

43) When Soriano gets hurt and both Bradley and Aramis need the day off, wouldn't it just be easier to forfeit that game?

44) Why does it seem like the Cubs are always stockpiling middle relievers who have trouble getting batters out?

45) What exactly is fungo?

46) Who in the hell is paying for Ronnie Woo-Woo's airfare year after year?

47) Over/Under on the number of times the phrase "He's gonna find a red tag in his locker" will be used?

48) Why don't we do this every year?

Go Cubs.

Off Day Email Extravaganza: Fernando Tatis Edition

Yes, before you ask, Mr. Tatis IS the best 3b available in my keeper league. Sad, but true. As of today, I stand 2 games out of the final playoff spot with 2 games remaining and I have to hang all my hopes and dreams on this SOB thanks to Evan Longoria's injury. Why am I still talking about this? Well, the Cubs took another weekend series and followed it up with an off day. Without them, I am left to obsess about my crappy fantasy team. Not good times. So in the hopes of keeping a small piece of my sanity, let's answer some viewer mail!

"J dot? What's with the lame name? Was J Diddy taken?"
Tim, Rolling Meadows, IL

Zing! Good one, Tim! Thanks for the email, person I just made up. To be honest, I am not a huge fan of this name either. It was originally chosen as an homage t0 one of the my favorite MCs, Shawn Carter aka Shawn Dot, aka Jay-Z. Actually, I think it was less lame before I used "homage" and "MC" in the same sentence. It's also one letter shorter than my actual name, so that will probably save me at least 1 hour a year of typing. When you post almost twice a week, you gotta find ways to save time.

With the Cubs playing so well, is it wrong that I want kick Derek Lee in the nuts, repeatedly?
Tim, Shreveport, LA

Not at all, guy with the same name as the last guy I made up, but I think you're gonna have to stand in line. D-Lee is turning into the Sammy Sosa of singles. He LOVES the meaningless hit. If there is no one on base, Lee can and will rip a single "right back where it came from." Put a man on base or even worse in scoring position and you can go ahead and mark "ground out" on your scorecard. It was borderline infuriating when it was happening in late May. Now? Well, all I can say is I now own a pair of steel-toed boots should the opportunity arise.

Marquis continues to pitch well. Is he gonna get screwed again and be left off the playoff roster?
Timothy, Macon, GA

Timothy? That's just a little pretentious for Macon isn't it? Anyhoo, when you say "pitch well," I am assuming you mean 5 innings with 1 K, 3 BB and 5 earned? It's gonna be hard to leave those kind of numbers off the playoff roster. I hope we can manage. Fingers crossed.

Geo of MVP? Gammons even said so!
Mark, Highland Park, IL

Finally, someone not named Tim. Yeah, I read that blog post too. While I agree with Mr. Gammons that Soto's handling of this pitching staff has been amazing, I find it hard to beleive that you can be the NL MVP when you aren't even in the top 3 on YOUR OWN TEAM. Call me old fashion.

Speaking hypothetically, what would you put the Cubs odds at: a) making the playoffs, b) winning the NLCS and c) taking home the trophy?
Jinxy Von Jinxalot, Jinxville, USA

Wow. Let's see.

Making the Playoffs: 5 to 1
They have a 5.5 game lead on the Brewers, who lead the wild card. I'd say the chances of them crapping the bed and losing the division are still pretty high, but they'd have to go all '69 Cubs on us to not make the playoffs. Let's make it 6 to 1, actually.

Winning the NLCS: 10 to 1
Good news. Home field advantage. Bad news, Randy "Cub Impaler" Johnson. Now's the time to start rooting for the Dodgers. I'm not saying that we can't beat the combo of Webb, Haren and Johnson. It's just that the first one's gonna be a 22-ish game winner, the second is the better better of the "H" pitchers and the third, well the third has NEVER LOST to the Cubs. I am already losing sleep over this matchup...and that's just round one. Good times.

Taking Home the Trophy: 12 to 1
Here is where it gets interesting. If they make it past AZ and the Brewers, then all you have to do is beat the Angels. Yes, those Angels. The ones with FIVE double-digit winners in the starting rotation. And Vlad. And Teixeira. Pardon me while I go vomit.

Go Cubs.

"Just don't bounce the damn ball...nice throw, d##khead."

As I rode the pines the past few weeks, I started looking back through some old posts of mine and I noticed that there was a common theme. I am an idiot. It seems that when it came to predictions or opinions about this team and its players, accuracy was never my strong suit. Since I never claimed to be anything but a moron, this shouldn't come as a surprise. That being said, even I was a little stunned by the level of idiocy I brought to this blog at times. So let's take a stroll together down memory lane while I reexamine four of my more memorable, er, errors in judgement. It's nothing if not awe-inspiring.

1) Jim Edmonds

What I said:

May 12th, 2008

40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.

Ok. I'm not proud of this one, but come on! We are talking about JIM EDMONDS. When I wrote that, there was only one Cardinal in the history of baseball I hated more (you know who you are, Fernando). He was 37 years old and was just CUT by a major league baseball team. Not demoted. Cut. There are no good signs there. Just red flags.

What I said:

May 14th, 2008

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months. PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.

I actually gagged when I reread that. Man, I HATED Jimbo. That wasn't healthy at all. But let's all remember, I technically hadn't said anything WRONG at this point. I DID hate Jim Edmonds. It was a fact. Just wanted to point that out in case you were keeping score.

What I said:

May 20th, 2008

In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband?" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.

Here are the stats for the 'asshat poster boy" since joining the Cubs:

BA .277, 12 HR. 36 RBI and 26 Runs in 53 games.

Oops. Needless to say I was dead wrong and the Cubs are a better team with him in the lineup. Even better is the fact that the bargain basement signing of Jimbo kept us from having to panic and give away 2 prospects for an equally old player who can't even play center anymore. Not naming names. Just facts.

2) Ryan Theriot

What I said:

April 1, 2008

Cubs Sent Theriot to the Reds

From an AP article late today: In a surprising move, the Cubs sent fan favorite Ryan Stewart Theriot to the Reds this afternoon for a player to be named later. In what may go down as the quickest hook in the history of MLB, the Cubs seemed to be washing their hands of the underachieving SS after an 0-5 performance on Monday's season opener. When reached for comment, Jim Hendry said,

"To be honest, we were hoping they would send us a bag of baseballs for Ryan...not new, mind you, but at least a full bag. When they agreed to a player to be named later, we were very pleased. Our only provision was that this "player-to-be-named" was NOT Corey Patterson." It is unclear at this point who the Cubs will be able to find to replace Theriot's .000 BA, but a source close to the organization said, "Listen, I'm a 60-year-0ld lifetime smoker who has had two hip-replacement surgeries, a triple bypass AND I am blind in one eye, but I GUARANTEE I could get on base more than (expletive deleted)."

April Fool's or wishful thinking? A little bit of both, I guess.

Actually it was neither. Not only was I piling on The Riot after the FIRST GAME OF THE YEAR, I also wasn't very funny. All Theriot has done this year is hit. He's 6th in the LEAGUE in BA and 10th in OBS. I know most of my hatred was based on his terrible down the stretch numbers in 2007 where he went something like 2 for his last 242 (that's guesstimate...he could have been 3 for 242 for all I know), but I think I should have at least waited for a somewhat larger sample size before banishing him to the Land of Dusty. My bad.

3) DP-Lee

What I said:

April 21st, 2008

D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.

Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far. I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters. Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.


This one is less funny since the numbers actually are going the other way. After that amazing start, he has hit just 10 HR and his batting average has dropped like a rock to .289. Yikes. Even worse is the fact that as of Sunday, DP-Lee leads MLB in the dreaded GIDP category. He also leads all Cubs in 2 important categories:

1) Most ABs resulting in remotes being turned into projectiles.
2) Most games with 0 hits when team scores 10+ runs.

He is also the current owner of the "Guy That Is Killing My Fantasy Team Trophy," which he ripped out the hands of Furcal about 3 months ago. Thanks Derrek. Thanks a heap.


4) Ryan Dempster

What I said:

March 4th, 2008

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but after the big two (Z and Lilly) there is a lot to be desired about this group of pitchers (and I'm not even going to start on Rich Hill). Am I supposed to believe that I can expect 10+ wins each from a starter/closer/budding stand-up comedian? Really? I shouldn't be worried?

Let's take a gander at the stats, shall we...


I'm an idiot.

Go Cubs.

What I REALLY Wanted to Write Was...

So I wrote an initial reaction to Monday night's abomination in Arizona in which the Cubs couldn't score a single run against a 134 year old pitcher with a bad back. I also decided to point out the players that have been particularly putrid over the last few days for special commendation. Unfortunately, Jason has yelled at me for swearing too much in my posts, so I've replaced every curse word with a word from this blog. See if you can match up the happy words with the ones I actually wanted to write. It's like Mad-Libs. Or something. Here goes...

----

*Cotton candy eating* stupid bunch of mother *basketweaving* pieces of gutless *puppies*. I'd like to walk down to Arizona and tear every hitters' *Northern Exposure on DVDs* off and staple them to the wall. I hate every one of you *marshmallows*.

Bob Howry: Bob Howry can suck my *kittens*. The sooner that piece of *sunshine* is off this team, the better.

Daryle Ward: I have no idea why Daryle Ward's fat *basketweaving* *kitten* is still on this team either. I'm surprised his *basketweaving* *kitten* hasn't eaten his way out of the *basketweaving* league yet. Why don't you drop the *basketweaving* plow and get your stupid *kitten* to first base, you sack of *petrified sock monkeys*.

Derrek Lee: Here's a hint, Derrek-low and outside pitches are *basketweaving* balls. Stop making yourself look like a dumb *kitten* by swinging at them, you lifeless *basketweave*. Thanks for yet another *basketweaving* double-play, "petrified sock monkey" head.

Aramis Ramirez: Hey, its Mr. 0-for Post All Star Break. Why don't you go back to *pinwheel* fighting, because its clear you haven't brought your *pinwheel* back with you from the All Star Game.

Rich Harden: You're pretty good.

Any time you pieces of *walks on the beach* want to get your heads out of your *kittens* and realize that no matter what smoke and mirrors the *wonderful* Cardinals have, they are only two games behind you *basketweaves*. And the Brewers are actually good. I *basketweaving* hate writing that, but the *basketweaving* Brewers are *basketweaving* good. Now start playing *basketweaving* baseball the right *basketweaving* way or someone's going to have to put his foot in every one of your *kittens*. *Basketweave* every one of you.

Milk Was A Bad Choice (a.k.a. Week In Review)

Well, Week 3 is in the books. Let's take a stroll down memory lane and see what we have learned from the week that was...

1) Marisa Miller is smoking hot.





I mean, wow. Just...wow.

2. D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.

Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far.

I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters.

Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.

3. Marty Brennaman IS in fact bat-shit crazy.


Busy week for Marty B. First, he called out Cubs fans for being obnoxious. Then he refused to back off of those statements by talking more shit about the Cubs.

"I said how tough it is to root for the Cubs. I think a lot of people feel the same way I do, but they won't articulate it. I'm not afraid to say what I think. [Compared to Cubs fans] Cardinals fans are hands down the best in baseball. They respect the game. They don't go to the game to do stupid stuff. The Cubs have some great baseball fans. But the ones who act like idiots (ruin) it for people like me."

And I'm sure all of you agree, I hate it when we ruin it for self-righteous windbags.

THEN, M to the B decided to take it up a notch. Tired of bashing a whole organization for the acts of a few drunken morons, he took out his "crazy old man" frustrations on his own broadcast partner.

Yep, I can totally see why he received the Ford Frick Award for “for major contributions to the game of baseball.”

I truly wish I was making that up.

4. Reed Johnson is the second coming of...Kenny Lofton? Craig Biggio?

Talk all you want about the "Pie Situation," but all this guy has done is rake since he was given the starting job.

BA: .354
SLG: .417
Runs: 8
RBI: 7

Ok, so those aren't All-Star numbers, but add to that the fact that he apparently doesn't EVER get out of the way of inside pitches (3 HBP in the last 3 days) and you have at least a serviceable player in center instead of say...a corpse.


5. Aramis is heating up with the weather (again)
(yes, I wrote this AFTER he just homered against the Mets, whatever)

He's gonna have another great year. So, for the love of God, stop talking about his lack of "hustle" or his occasional lapses in the field. He's a lock for 30-100 EVERY year. Enjoy it.

5a. Mark DeRosa is Mui Caliente!

Sorry.

My wife called me from home when DeRo took that header over the bullpen on Sunday and said:

"Is my boyfriend OK?"

Yep. I guess I should be happy she was at least watching the game. Right?

Go Cubs.