Cubs Swept. National Joke Continues.

Writer's Note: This is going to be a ridiculous rant written in the immediate aftermath of the Game 3 loss. It will be full of vitriol and probably not all that coherent. After sleeping on it, I probably won't be this pissed and will most likely regret posting tonight. But hey, writing it made me feel better. So I'm leaving it up.

What a waste of a summer.

First and foremost-If anyone says a word about a curse, they should be punched in the face. Repeatedly. This isn’t about 1969 or 1984 or anything else in the history of this franchise. Those teams have nothing to do with the garbage that we had to sit through this week. I don’t care about black cats, billy goats, or anything like that. To blame this on some nonexistent curse would be to absolve this team of the responsibility for this disaster.

This team just flat out choked. There is no other description for the abortion that has taken place over the last four days.

Everybody knows that five game playoff series are a crap shoot-a little bounce here and there mean a lot. They tell you almost nothing about who the better team truly is. But let’s be clear: this series was not a crap shoot. This was a team crapping down its leg. There are no two ways about it. It wasn’t about a couple pitches or at bats. If they would have lost this series in a few close games that just didn’t work out, I would have been upset, but I would have lived with it.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a series of close games that just didn’t work out. It was a bunch of guys who showed no guts whatsoever and couldn’t handle the pressure of the playoffs, completely and utterly embarrassing themselves in the process. They deserve to be the national joke that they’ve just become.

Some wonderful truths about this series:

This is only the second time since 1969 that the team with the best record in the league has gotten swept in the first round.

The Cubs had as many errors as runs in the series.

The Cubs (who, by the way, led the league in OBP this year) had 6 walks in the entire series. The Dodgers had that many walks by the FIFTH INNING OF GAME ONE.

None of the three Cubs starters even made it five innings in any start.

And almost impossibly, Alfonso Soriano was actually worse in this year’s series (1-14) than last year (2-14). Only six years and about $100 million left on that contract!

Pathetic. Nothing short of pathetic. I hate this team. I hate every player. Every single goddamn one. I have never in my life been this disgusted with a Cubs team. This is not the lovable losers-they’re just a bunch of fucking losers. I’m tired of this wait until next year crap. All of you on this team can shove it.

It’s simple: from now on, if you play like champions you’ll get treated like champions. Play like shit and you’ll get treated like shit-and you deserve nothing better. Enough of this standing and cheering for 2 strike counts in the 3rd inning of a game in May. Prove you’re a real team with professionals who can handle pressure situations and I’ll be happy to devote all my energy to you. But I’m not going to let this ever happen again.

Every one of those 97 wins this year was utterly and completely worthless. You have just pissed away all the goodwill you’ve built up with this fanbase all year. You wasted my time and the time of every fan who devoted even an ounce of emotion into your craptacular season. Thanks a lot, you gutless losers.

What I REALLY Wanted to Write Was...

So I wrote an initial reaction to Monday night's abomination in Arizona in which the Cubs couldn't score a single run against a 134 year old pitcher with a bad back. I also decided to point out the players that have been particularly putrid over the last few days for special commendation. Unfortunately, Jason has yelled at me for swearing too much in my posts, so I've replaced every curse word with a word from this blog. See if you can match up the happy words with the ones I actually wanted to write. It's like Mad-Libs. Or something. Here goes...

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*Cotton candy eating* stupid bunch of mother *basketweaving* pieces of gutless *puppies*. I'd like to walk down to Arizona and tear every hitters' *Northern Exposure on DVDs* off and staple them to the wall. I hate every one of you *marshmallows*.

Bob Howry: Bob Howry can suck my *kittens*. The sooner that piece of *sunshine* is off this team, the better.

Daryle Ward: I have no idea why Daryle Ward's fat *basketweaving* *kitten* is still on this team either. I'm surprised his *basketweaving* *kitten* hasn't eaten his way out of the *basketweaving* league yet. Why don't you drop the *basketweaving* plow and get your stupid *kitten* to first base, you sack of *petrified sock monkeys*.

Derrek Lee: Here's a hint, Derrek-low and outside pitches are *basketweaving* balls. Stop making yourself look like a dumb *kitten* by swinging at them, you lifeless *basketweave*. Thanks for yet another *basketweaving* double-play, "petrified sock monkey" head.

Aramis Ramirez: Hey, its Mr. 0-for Post All Star Break. Why don't you go back to *pinwheel* fighting, because its clear you haven't brought your *pinwheel* back with you from the All Star Game.

Rich Harden: You're pretty good.

Any time you pieces of *walks on the beach* want to get your heads out of your *kittens* and realize that no matter what smoke and mirrors the *wonderful* Cardinals have, they are only two games behind you *basketweaves*. And the Brewers are actually good. I *basketweaving* hate writing that, but the *basketweaving* Brewers are *basketweaving* good. Now start playing *basketweaving* baseball the right *basketweaving* way or someone's going to have to put his foot in every one of your *kittens*. *Basketweave* every one of you.

Break-Up? No, I Just Wanted to Take a Break...

Dear Cubs.

We need to talk. I think I owe you an apology. After Thome hit that home run on Sunday, I said some things I'm not proud of. For that I am truly sorry, but you have to understand how frustrated you were making me.

As you finished up your series with Atlanta, we were having the time of our lives. Remember? Oh how we laughed as you completed the sweep of the Braves. We were on top of the world then. 19 games over .500 with an 11 game home winning streak and your longest losing streak at that point was only 2 games. Then you went on that trip up to Toronto. It's a terrible place to play and I could tell you missed home. But you toughed it out. That made me so proud. But that's when the trouble started.

You headed down to Tampa and it's like you became a totally different team. Do you remember our first fight? I remember it like it was yesterday. After losing a close first game, I should have noticed the early warning signs in game 2. First Johnson has back spasms, then Edmonds hurts his foot and then Z is pulled out with shoulder trouble. Z! I was so worried it was making me sick, but I still had faith in you. You had been so good to me all year that I knew you could bounce back. But you didn't. It's like you were trying to hurt me. 7 runs in the 7th? Was that some sort of joke? I was so angry when that game ended I could spit, but I told myself that you deserved my support. You had earned it. It was, after all, your first 3 game losing streak of the year and you were coming home to play the White Sox.

I was so excited for you to be back home that I could barely sleep that night. What a weekend! I mean, the walkoff HR and then those two straight DOMINATING wins! Unreal! It was like I had you back. Maybe it was all the travel that made you so bad in Tampa. "Maybe things will go back to normal now," I thought. I was confident you had righted the ship and with Baltimore coming to town, I knew in my heart that the worst was over.

Boy was I wrong. After losing two out of three to the Orioles (seriously, the Orioles!) I thought maybe you would at least show up against your crosstown rivals over the weekend. Not a chance. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to root for you when you play like that? Did you even think of my feelings when you were serving up gopher ball after gopher ball? Did you even consider how much you hurt me with your sloppy defense and base-running gaffes? You didn't did you? Typical.

So, yes...after Thome hit that home run I turned off the TV. I cursed you and your lousy rotation. I bitched about Aramis' lack of hitting, your costly mistakea and all the other things you did wrong over the past two weeks. I prayed for rain outs in SF and St. Louis. What did you expect? But then I crossed the line. I said that I wasn't going to watch you play anymore. I meant it at the time sure, but when I woke up the next morning I realized that I had made a mistake. You've had so many injuries during this bad stretch and who knows, if one wild pitch had bounced a different way or if they hadn't decided to use semi-drunk minor league umps on Sunday, we might not be even having this discussion.

Unfortunately, being the stubborn man I am, I couldn't back down from my boycott. I had to show you that you had hurt me. So I did it. No TV, no radio...I even ignored my fantasy teams. It was hard. I kept wanting to peek at a score, but I couldn't. Then this morning, I turned on WGN news and saw that you won! I was so happy for you it was like I was floating. But then it hit me.

You won without me. You didn't need me cheering every hit or fretting over every pitch. I started to wonder, "Am I the reason you lost those games?" I know it sounds crazy, but I was truly worried.

That's why I wrote you this letter. I wanted to make sure that it was OK with you that I watched tonight. I know I was a jerk and you have every right to be mad. Just say the word and I'll stay away from you as long as you want. If you think I'm a jinx, so be it. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd love to be able to watch you play tonight. So what do you say? Can you cut this overly-obsessed, borderline insane and apparently really long-winded fan a break for old time's sake?

Go Cubs.

What I've Learned, Overraction Edition

The Cubs managed to blow a seven run lead for the first time in only 6 years, which is actually sadder than the whole “hundred years” thing. Good to see that blowing a seven run lead is actually not all that uncommon for the Cubs.

As usual, many have taken the opportunity to bring out their “jump to conclusions” mat one week into the season. Among the wonderful truths we’ve learned from the experts:

Read More...

1. Mark DeRosa is a complete bust and Brian Roberts could cure AIDS if he were playing 2B for the Cubs right now. Nevermind the fact that, up until yesterday, DeRosa was outhitting Roberts. Sure, he’s made some stupid errors. They even out over the course of a year. Now, if the team wanted to trade for Roberts and move DeRosa to shortstop, color me satisfied.

2. Alfonso Soriano is a bum. Hasn’t one year of this guy shown enough people that he will maybe hit .025 for 30 ABs or so, then hit 14 home runs in a month (like he did in, say, LAST SEPTEMBER)? Sure, all Cubs fans will want him dead by about year five of his contract, but for now, why not just be myopic for awhile?

3. Kerry Wood will be a bust as a closer…no wait, he’ll be good…no wait, he won’t be durable enough…no wait, he’ll be fine.

4. Aramis Ramirez is lazy and the Cubs need to trade him. Good God, this might be the most annoying habit of anyone and everyone associated with following the Cubs-they’d rather have Ryan Theriot hit .200 with a .225 OBP as long as he runs hard to first base and gets his uniform dirty, while Ramirez consistently hits 30-35 home runs, drives in over 100 runners, and “isn’t a winner.” Let’s say it together: This is not Little League. Trying hard does not make someone good. And not always trying hard does not make someone bad. Production matters. Deal with it.

5. Ryan Theriot would be better off as a bench player and really has no business batting at the top of the lineup. Okay, they got that one right.

Here's a thought-let's wait until game 15 before we write off the 2008 season.