WNBA Unintentionally Fills Sports Void, Makes Me Sad

For those of you who don't know, the days before and after the All-Star Game are the ONLY two days of the YEAR where there are ZERO "major" sports on TV. I put major in quotes for two reasons:

1) I can't stand hockey on TV, but again...let's leave that in the "story for another day" pile.
2) I learned that there are actually sports on TV during those two days.

Let me explain.

As is tradition in the J dot bedroom, each morning when the alarm goes off I treat myself to the awesome double-barrelled combo of WGN Morning News and Sportscenter. Depending on how the Cubs performed the night before, the channel is either on the news most of the time (Cubs lost) or on Sportscenter most of the time (Cubs won). Well, as I slapped the alarm clock this morning, I was met with a dilemma. The Cubs had not played.

I flipped on SC for a second and realized that other than the British Open sans Tiger, they were filling space with Rick Reilly segments (dear lord baby Jesus please strike me down) and tons of over-analysis of the second half of the MLB season (too much of that guy that isn't Kruk). No thanks. So that meant I was heading over to WGN for some morning news/giggles.

Unfortunately, when I turned on the station formally known as "Super," the sports segment was on and I was greeted with this little tidbit:

(paraphrased) The Sky took on the Shock yesterday at 11AM, perfect time for all those camp kids."

Flabbergasted is the only way I can describe my reaction to that. I thought I had misheard, but thanks to the God that is Tivo, I "doot-doot-ed" back and sure enough he did say 11 IN THE MORNING. Which got me thinking, "What else is there about the WNBA that I don't know about and is amusing enough to base a post around?" Join me, won't you, while I find out.

1) 11 IN THE MORNING Start Times
No way I could gloss over this one. According to the Sky's own website (only viewed for the purpose of this blog), the recap states:

In front of a crowd of mostly kids from summer camps, Detroit took control midway in the second period and cruised to a 10-0 home record.

About a thousand things about this give me pause. Is the WNBA popular amongst kid's in summer camps? Is that their niche? Or is it used as punishment for bad campers. "Billy, either you stop hitting Suzie or you are going to watch the Shock take on the Sky tomorrow!" I hope it's the former...for Billy' sake.

2a) The new WNBA tagline is "Expect Great"

Basically what this says to the "fans" is:

Sure, go ahead. Expect it. Knock yourself out. We just aren't going to guarantee anything. It's not our fault that the score will be 15-13 at the half with both teams combining to go 12-42 from the field with most of those misses being of the "bunny" variety. We told you to "expect" greatness. It's your fault for actually listening to us.

2b) The Chicago Sky's new slogan is "Raise Your Voice."

I am unsure what exactly that means. Raise my voice how? In anger? Done and done.

3) There is a fantasy section of the WNBA website.

Let that one sink in for a minute. It's hosted by some poor sap named named Mathew Brennan
who I can only assume is being punished for something. Do you think right about now he is regretting uttering these words to his (then) wife:

"Yes, I quit my job. This is my big break! I'm gonna get paid to talk about fantasy sports, honey! Who cares that it's the WNBA!"

I'm thinking yes. But I could be wrong.

Side Note: Touted as an expert, he is currently only in the 84th percentile of his OWN league. Not sure we can trust this guy. I mean, Candace Parker as his Rookie to Watch? Hello! Nicky Anosike anyone? Hack.

Alright, that's all I can take. I could go on and on about the absurdity of this league even still existing, but I would be beating a LONG dead horse. My only hope is that it dissolves before my buddy's daughter is old enough to care, just so I never see these words in a text:

Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the Shock v. Sky game tomorrow at 11AM. You in?

No. No I am not.

Go Cubs.

Hey Lazy A#*es, Vote Already!

As you can see, Kosuke's lead has dropped below 33,000 votes. Polls close Wednesday at midnight, so if you haven't voted your allotted 25 times yet, head here and do it now. It's either that or suffer through hearing "Ryan Braun, 2008 ASG Starting Outfielder" for the rest of the year. It's up to you.

Co Cubs.

Bronx or Bust! Part 2

With today's game seemingly out of reach (currently 11-0 in the 6th), I thought now would be the perfect time to continue our countdown of the Cubs players that most deserve a spot in the All-Star Game.

NOTE: With Micah no longer with the club and the arrival of the two-headed monster, I felt that the list needed revising.

#22 a) Mathew Murton 19 | OF
Pros: HE RIDES A UNICORN FOR GOD'S SAKE! You need more than that? Tough crowd. Ok, let’s go with his “brick-sized” thighs.
Cons: Off the top of my head…I’d have to go with the fact that he has no power and very little glove and he plays a position that requires you to have power and a glove. Other than that he’s great.
In or Out? OUT. Maybe, if they ever have an ASG just for red heads, he would…ah, who am I kidding, he wouldn’t even make that team.

#22 b) Eric Patterson 4 | OF
Pros: He is, in fact, left-handed. Can’t argue with that one.
Cons: He’s only known for two things. Speed and Defense. That being said, he frequently muffs the ball in left and then 3-hops the cutoff man. But man can he run!
In or Out? Out. He’s not even as good as his brother, which is sad on so many levels.

19-16 The “Fontenot is Still in the Majors?” Division

#19 Michael Eugene Fontenot 17 | 2B
Pros: Comic Relief? Not only is he “fit in Lee’s pocket” tiny, he also does that adorable thing where he pretends to get hit into the ground by Zambrano. That’s got to be worth something, right?
Cons: He has no other discernible talents. Seriously. Try to think of one. I’ll wait.
In or Out? Out. That is until they start honoring guys who strikeout with the bases loaded repeatedly. When that day comes, he’ll be on my ballot.

#18 a) Neal Cotts 44 | P
Pros: He’s single…ladies.
Cons: He can’t get anyone out. Ever.
In or Out? Of the ASG or the 40-man roster?

#18 b) Scott Eyre 47 | P
Pros: He now holds the Cubs record for consecutive scoreless appearances and also leads the majors with 93 holds over a four-year span while allowing the fewest number of inherited runners to score. Impressive.
Cons: Since the scoreless streak was broken, he has basically been Neal Cotts only fatter and more married. Less Impressive.
In or Out? Out. The ASG people have very strict rules regarding players who lack a chin.

#16 Jon Lieber 32 | P
Pros: Versatile veteran can be used as a starter, long man or late inning reliever.
Cons: He sucks at all of those jobs.

Go Cubs.

West Side!!

What? You were expecting this pic weren't you? Too predictable.

Anyways, yesterday marked the beginning of every local Cub fans' least favorite road trip...the dreaded West Coast Swing. Nothing ruins a good Cubs game like a 9 PM start time (yes, I am actually 200 years old). On this trip, the Cubs have 3 against the increasingly embarrassing SD Padres and 4 against the mildly annoying Dodgers. As the trip begins, the biggest question facing this "Best Record in Baseball" Cubs team is whether to hold their Championship Parade on Michigan Avenue or on Clark.

Wait. That's not right. Sorry.

The actual big question is whether this team can bottle up their unbelievable success at home and take it with them on the road. Unfortunately, EVERY sportswriter in the country knows this, so there have been roughly 500,000 articles written about it already. Here at FOTG, we are nothing if not on the cutting-edge so instead of jumping on the pile, we will forge out on our own with a new segment.


Bronx or Bust!

With the All-Star game quickly approaching, everyone is asking who on the Cubs deserves a spot on the NL roster. Shockingly enough, even with their stellar play during the first two months, not every Cub is what we would consider "All-Star Worthy." So, in order to simplify this difficult decision, we've created this handy, dandy ranking of each Cubs chances of making it to the Bronx this July.

25-21 "Why Don't You Plan A Trip With the Family" Division

#25 Bob Dean Howry 62 | P
Pros: Traditionally a slow starter, Bobby Dean has turned it on of late, surrendering 0 ER in his last 9 appearances.
Cons: He was a frequent crapper of beds before that: 18.9 IP, 15 ER, 5 HR.
In or Out? Waaaaaaaaay Out.
You will only see BDH in the Bronx this year if he buys his own ticket.

#24 Jason Marquis 21 | P
Pros: He's not quite shitty enough to be removed from the rotation.
Cons: He's not quite good enough to stay in the rotation.
In or Out? I hope that question is rhetorical.

#23 Michael Wuertz 43 | P
Pros: He's not Bobby Howry.
Cons: He's not Carlos Marmol.
In or Out? Out.
Maybe he can use the time off to remember where the plate is located.

#22 Micah Hoffpauir 6 | 1B
Pros: Promising young player who would be starter if it wasn't for that D-Lee character stealing all his ABs year after year. Selfish bastard.
Cons: He shares a first name with Micah Owings who I just grabbed for my fantasy team and then watched him promptly got lit up in his next start. Just saying.
In or Out? Out.
Mark it down, when Lee retires the Cubs WILL give this guy a shot. Then they will go in a different direction. Basically, no one trusts a guy named Micah.

#21 Ted Lilly 30 | P
Pros: His given name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. Seriously.
Cons: President Roosevelt once said "I have as much desire to annex San Domingo as a gorged Boa Constrictor might have to swallow a porcupine wrong end to!" That's how I feel about watching Lilly pitch. Zing! Thank you Wikipedia!
In or Out? He's 5th in HR Allowed in the National League with 12. What do you think?

Go Cubs.