Inside the Head of...Ryan Theriot

Okay, so I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off on Ryan Theriot this year. My bad. Throughout this year, he’s managed to earn my grudging respect (a feat that rates roughly as significant as being able to cross the monkey bars).

But now he’s managed to blow all that goodwill in a matter of two pages on the chicagosports.com website by filling in for Paul Sullivan in the “ask Paul” section. First of all, the only thing that people should ever do for Paul Sullivan is not steal his Lucky Charms. More importantly, however, is the fact that he put together some pretty boring answers, even for a baseball player. So, in an effort to get back on the Theriot bandwagon, I’m going to supply what should have been the answers to this mailbag and pretend that’s what he actually wrote.

So, on to the questions…

Ryan, Who was the first person to call you "The Riot"? I think it's fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. -- Patrick Blaney, Johnsburg

I’m sure that by “everyone,” you mean the guy living across the trailer park from you who totally predicted that Corey Patterson would suck and stuff. And why would it be “fitting?” Do you understand what “fitting” actually means and how to apply it to a situation? Or are you the actual writer of this song?

As far as rioting after we win the World Series, as long as half the rioters are wearing this shirt, and the other half are wearing this shirt, and they manage to kill each other off during the riot, I’m happy.

Ryan, How do you feel about being known as 'The Riot'? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you're one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? -- John M., Silver Spring, Md.

Who the hell is editing this? I know the Tribune Corporation is in danger of getting bought out by my neighbors’ lemonade stand, but Jesus, it’s the same damn question. I can’t wait until Mark Cuban buys this team and I don’t have to do promo shit like this.

How would you rate the infield playing surface at Wrigley compared to other parks? Would you welcome a new stadium? -- Dion, Chicago via Cincinnati

Apparently, you didn’t read the 800,000 articles about the resurfacing of the entire field this winter. You realize that you can have a new playing field without building an entire new stadium around it, right? Finally, if you’re dumb enough to think, in an article read by Cubs fans in a publication owned by the same corporation that is trying to sell the Cubs, that I would write anything other than “Wrigley Field is the greatest architectural achievement since the A Frame and may actually make me a better player as well as a human being,” then you belong in that postseason riot I just mentioned.

Okay…the next three questions are boring. I’m not going to answer them. Moving on…


Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? -- Brian Berns, Springfield

Wow, impressive question. You got a chance to ask a major league baseball player one thing, and you pick one from “The Big Book of Questions.” Very impressive.

My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school's hockey team. I couldn't imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? -- KC Madock, Oak Park

Is there a reason you put the words “pocket rocket” in that question? Did you feel like you had to be more specific because I might think it was the other Mike Fontenot who I played with for the last eight years? Here’s your answer: Mike Fontenot hates having a nickname that doubles as a name of a vibrator. Stop calling him that.

Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago

Lou Piniella is being fellated by Fukudome’s interpreter during his post game interviews. That’s why he takes so long to answer questions. Happy?

Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? -- Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla.

See answer to “What game stands out the most.”

What would you be doing for a living if you weren't in baseball? -- Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, Manitoba

I’m going to kill my agent for agreeing to this.

Ryan - Some players wear their socks high, and some wear their pants long. If a player decides to switch, do they order shorter pants? Or do they just take their normal pants and somehow scrunch them up? And do players that wear long pants still wear high socks even if you can't see them? Thanks and keep playing hard! -- Kristin Bush, Lansing

I really wanted to tear into this question, but its so utterly inane and embarrassingly stupid that I’m afraid I’ll be making fun of a person who got hit by a bus and has some sort of debilitating brain damage.

Still…remind me to never, ever go to Lansing.

Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago

It is exactly 61.8765% trying to go to the opposite field and 38.1235% taking what the pitchers give me.

Ryan -- I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! -- Wes, Savannah, Ga

Your cat’s name gets misread at the vet? Thanks for specifying. I was under the impression that the maitre d’ at Topolobampo was just doing it to mess with you two when you shared your thrice yearly romantic dinners. Is it weird or flattering? What the fuck do you think?


Well, that’s it for the questions. I’d say “thanks for writing in,” but I’m pretty sure most people who made it through would have to get their domestic care nurse to help them read the big words. I’ll let Sullivan deal with this garbage from now on. I’m going to go punch the Cubs’ publicist in the nuts.

What Scott Eyre Was Thinking During Sunday's Game

Pregame: I swear to God, if he calls me Steve today, I’m going to punch him in the side of the head. I mean come on, it’s been a year and a half. My name is not Steve. Hey, that could be a TV show-like the opposite of “My Name is Earl.” Everybody says I look like that guy on that show…what’s his name? Randy? Yeah, I think that’s the one. That would be a funny show. I like sandwiches. Who’s pitching today? Marquis? Sweet…probably gonna get in this one. Mmmm…ice cream. I want to make sweet, sweet love to whoever came up with the idea for Haagen Dazs.

Early Innings: Marquis is getting lit up. Shocker. Man, that guy sucks. I wish we had a craft services table in the bullpen. Hey, a butterfly. I know he’s going call me Steve again. I like Reed Johnson’s facial hair. I wonder if Jim Edmonds wore a half shirt at his wedding. I should write a novel-something about a superhero. He could be a mild-mannered middle reliever who saves the game and the day. Genius! Oh, you want me to warm up? Wait…you don’t? Alright. Its okay-I didn’t want to warm up anyway.

5th Inning: I shouldn’t have said that when they told me not to warm up last inning. Came off too dismissive. Damn. If they ask me again, I’ll play it cool. But I can't be too needy. Gotta do this just right. Hooray! They want me to warm up. Finally going to pitch again. Keep it together, Scotty. Gotta play this cool. Probably should look at that stat book thingy that Lester Strode is always showing guys who are warming up. Let’s see how good I’m doing this year. Wait…I’ve only thrown 213 pitches the whole year? That’s really sad. Sit back down? Don’t need me yet? Alrighty.

6th inning: Warm up again? Alright. Gotta put me in this time. Seriously-every reliever on this team has thrown like 150 pitches this weekend and I haven’t gotten into a single game. I don’t think Lou remembers that I’m on the team. Maybe I should dye my hair-do something really crazy so he’ll notice me. Gotta do something to spice up this relationship. Why am I the one doing all the work? This can’t be a one-way street. Oh, you don’t need me to throw yet? Okay, just let me know. I’ll be here.

7th Inning: Let me guess, you want me to warm up again. I hate you. I hate this team. I’m going to firebomb the clubhouse. I'm going to go Left Eye on Lou's house. I’m going to throw this ball at the dugout like that nutcase in Single-A. Oh…you don’t need me this inning? Sit back down? Surprise, surprise. Screw all of you.

8th Inning: Okay…gotta deal with it. That was an overreaction. Gotta relax and think rationally. Maybe they just don’t like me. Wait, Lou said he liked me, but does he like me-like me? I know he said that if we had a little time apart that we’d be able to really see how this is working out. I took that extra time on the DL and didn’t call him or text him or anything, just so he would have his space. He asks me back, and we go right back into the old routine. Maybe I’ll just go pitch for another team next year. See how he likes that. Then I’ll call him and tell him how much better the other manager is than him. He’ll want me to come pitch for him then. And I’ll tell him, “sorry, you screwed up. I’ve moved on.” That would be great.

9th Inning: I think Henry Blanco has been the one putting those “dead man walking” signs in my locker, but how do I prove it? Hmmm…can’t. That bastard’s an evil genius. Maybe I should get a tattoo sleeve. Those guys always look tough. You need me to warm up again? Gotcha. Maybe I can impress him so much in my warm up that he’ll put me in the game. Okay, that was the best slider I’ve ever thrown. He’s gotta notice me now. Sit back down? Okay.

Post Game: I’m sure he’ll use me tomorrow. He said he really wanted to get me in there and that he’s just really busy during the games. That makes sense. Maybe I call him too much. He’s a complicated guy-probably just needs a little time. Oh, here he comes..stay cool Scotty. You can do this. Just say hi and act like this weekend was no big deal. Gotta go with something simple-make it seem like you don’t mind. Just say “Hey Skip,” and keep walking. Wait! He’s stopping to talk to you! Be cool! Don’t screw this up!

…

I can’t believe he called me Stevie.