What Scott Eyre Was Thinking During Sunday's Game

Pregame: I swear to God, if he calls me Steve today, I’m going to punch him in the side of the head. I mean come on, it’s been a year and a half. My name is not Steve. Hey, that could be a TV show-like the opposite of “My Name is Earl.” Everybody says I look like that guy on that show…what’s his name? Randy? Yeah, I think that’s the one. That would be a funny show. I like sandwiches. Who’s pitching today? Marquis? Sweet…probably gonna get in this one. Mmmm…ice cream. I want to make sweet, sweet love to whoever came up with the idea for Haagen Dazs.

Early Innings: Marquis is getting lit up. Shocker. Man, that guy sucks. I wish we had a craft services table in the bullpen. Hey, a butterfly. I know he’s going call me Steve again. I like Reed Johnson’s facial hair. I wonder if Jim Edmonds wore a half shirt at his wedding. I should write a novel-something about a superhero. He could be a mild-mannered middle reliever who saves the game and the day. Genius! Oh, you want me to warm up? Wait…you don’t? Alright. Its okay-I didn’t want to warm up anyway.

5th Inning: I shouldn’t have said that when they told me not to warm up last inning. Came off too dismissive. Damn. If they ask me again, I’ll play it cool. But I can't be too needy. Gotta do this just right. Hooray! They want me to warm up. Finally going to pitch again. Keep it together, Scotty. Gotta play this cool. Probably should look at that stat book thingy that Lester Strode is always showing guys who are warming up. Let’s see how good I’m doing this year. Wait…I’ve only thrown 213 pitches the whole year? That’s really sad. Sit back down? Don’t need me yet? Alrighty.

6th inning: Warm up again? Alright. Gotta put me in this time. Seriously-every reliever on this team has thrown like 150 pitches this weekend and I haven’t gotten into a single game. I don’t think Lou remembers that I’m on the team. Maybe I should dye my hair-do something really crazy so he’ll notice me. Gotta do something to spice up this relationship. Why am I the one doing all the work? This can’t be a one-way street. Oh, you don’t need me to throw yet? Okay, just let me know. I’ll be here.

7th Inning: Let me guess, you want me to warm up again. I hate you. I hate this team. I’m going to firebomb the clubhouse. I'm going to go Left Eye on Lou's house. I’m going to throw this ball at the dugout like that nutcase in Single-A. Oh…you don’t need me this inning? Sit back down? Surprise, surprise. Screw all of you.

8th Inning: Okay…gotta deal with it. That was an overreaction. Gotta relax and think rationally. Maybe they just don’t like me. Wait, Lou said he liked me, but does he like me-like me? I know he said that if we had a little time apart that we’d be able to really see how this is working out. I took that extra time on the DL and didn’t call him or text him or anything, just so he would have his space. He asks me back, and we go right back into the old routine. Maybe I’ll just go pitch for another team next year. See how he likes that. Then I’ll call him and tell him how much better the other manager is than him. He’ll want me to come pitch for him then. And I’ll tell him, “sorry, you screwed up. I’ve moved on.” That would be great.

9th Inning: I think Henry Blanco has been the one putting those “dead man walking” signs in my locker, but how do I prove it? Hmmm…can’t. That bastard’s an evil genius. Maybe I should get a tattoo sleeve. Those guys always look tough. You need me to warm up again? Gotcha. Maybe I can impress him so much in my warm up that he’ll put me in the game. Okay, that was the best slider I’ve ever thrown. He’s gotta notice me now. Sit back down? Okay.

Post Game: I’m sure he’ll use me tomorrow. He said he really wanted to get me in there and that he’s just really busy during the games. That makes sense. Maybe I call him too much. He’s a complicated guy-probably just needs a little time. Oh, here he comes..stay cool Scotty. You can do this. Just say hi and act like this weekend was no big deal. Gotta go with something simple-make it seem like you don’t mind. Just say “Hey Skip,” and keep walking. Wait! He’s stopping to talk to you! Be cool! Don’t screw this up!

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I can’t believe he called me Stevie.