It Took Less than 24 Hours for a Sportswriter to Piss Me Off

So I’m back from Europe, and I’ve learned two things:

1. I eat and dress like crap.
2. When the best thing on TV is a 9 nine year old episode of “Diagnosis Murder,” your continent sucks.

Anyway…since I haven’t really had a chance to read much about the Cubs over the last couple weeks (quick synopsis: Yay Harden! Yay Cubs! Boo Marmol! Yay Cubs!), I might as well use this Post All-Star break hiatus to comment on one of my favorite sportswriters in our fine city.

As many know, I hate Steve Rosenbloom with the white hot energy of 1,000 suns. I find him to be the most irritating sportswriter in a city of irritating sportswriters (and when you share a city with Jay Mariotti, that’s saying something). He is the ultimate proof of the adage written by Bill Simmons before ESPN stole his soul: “Most sportswriters stopped liking sports about 20 years ago.” This would, of course, be fine if he were an entertaining writer or had anything of insight to bring to his column. But he doesn’t, which is why the Tribune has relegated him to “part time poker columnist,” the sports equivalent to a television writer who gives weekly updates on “The Single Guy.”

Anyway, he decided to write his “worries” for the Cubs in the second half. Apparently, he doesn’t feel the need to write anything positive about a team that has the best record in baseball. Fine-we know the score with guys like Rosenbloom. But it would be nice if he had one cogent, decent point to make. Anyway, on to his “reasoning”:

History. Yeah, it's been 100 years, everyone loves round numbers and what a Kodak moment that would be. But recent history has been a killer ever since Dusty Baker presided over the greatest choke in franchise history in 2003. I mean, just look: In 2004, the Red Sox ended what was then the second-longest drought in sports history; in 2005, the White Sox ended what was then the new second-longest drought in sports history; in 2006, the evil Cardinals won the World Series; in 2007, the Red Sox rubbed it in again. So, in 2008, history suggests that the only way to make this more excruciating for the Cubs is to have the Brewers win it.

Okay, aside from the factual error that takes three seconds to look up (the White Sox last won in 1917, the Red Sox in 1918, so when the Red Sox won in 2004, they did not have the second-longest drought), there is one simple question: When are sportswriters going to stop using the Cubs’ history as a predictor of anything?
They’ve beaten the “100 years” to death already-it’s the laziest sports story this side of Brett Favre. Cubs fans get it. But to use it to predict a damn thing, as if the events that occurred before most players on this team were alive, let alone in the league, has some sort of impact, has got to be the dumbest idea ever. I guess it makes sense for a lazy writer.

Speaking of the Brewers, the team that recently acquired the best pitcher available plays only 23 games against teams above .500 the rest of the way, while the Cubs play 34. The Brewers are 37-23 against bad teams, while the Cubs are 11-5 against good teams.

Okay….
Let’s do some math, shall we?
Brewers: 37-23 against “bad teams” (winning percentage .617)
Cubs: 11-5 against “good teams” (winning percentage .688)

So what the hell is his point? Does he think we’re Unfrozen Cave Men lawyers? “Your numbers scare and frighten us. We will just believe you, lazy column guy.”

(Side note: If you add up the Cubs’ and Brewers’ records, then the Cubs are 46-33 (.582) against "bad" and the Brewers are 15-20 (.429 -- losing record) against "good teams.” But hey, let’s just use the numbers that make the Cubs look bad.)

The Cardinals. Of the three teams in the NL Central race, the Cardinals have the toughest schedule, facing opponents whose winning percentage is .507 right now. You're thinking, this should finally do them in, but as legendary Hole-In-The-Wall manager Butch Cassidy said, "Who are those guys?"

The Cardinals suck. They’ve played over their heads all year, just like they did last year, when their team was actually better than it is this year. And where did they end up last year? They faded in August and September. Let’s move on.

Geovany Soto's stamina. If you believed that the kid catcher would put up these kinds of offensive numbers and handle a pitching staff with such maturity, then pass the bong. He has batted up and down the lineup and produced everywhere. Power, clutch, whatever. He has been on the receiving end of a 3.89 team ERA. But does he have the strength and ability to repeat over the next 2 ½ months?

I like it when sportswriters try and seem hip by talking about The Marijuana. But why has “young player gets worn down” become the Critique Du Jour of every damn columnist in the city? Probably because the only player they really pay attention to is Ryan Theriot, who sucked pretty much every month last year except June, but was particularly crappy in September, so (using lazy columnist logic), he “wore down.”
Soto played 128 games between AAA and the Cubs last year. He played 120 the year before. AND HE’S 25. When I was 25, I could drink Miller Lite pitchers constantly from the hours of 4 pm on Friday to 4 pm on Sunday while sleeping a total of about 5.3 hours for the entire weekend. Based on my recently invented “Martin Scale of Things That Are Hard to Do” (patent pending), that is 3.876 times harder than playing 155 baseball games, which is what Soto is on pace to do. So suck on that, Rosenbloom.

Ted Lilly. Last year, he was the stopper, going 9-1 after losses. This year, he has shown signs of that, and then he has shown signs of channeling Glendon Rusch. He has won four of his last five decisions and eight of his last 10, posting an ERA of 3.99 since May 1, but I don't know, there's just something that I don't trust.

Okay, this one’s fair. The Cubs definitely have to worry about the production they get from their FOURTH starter, who has an ERA under 4 over the last two months. Might as well quit now, because they’re clearly in trouble. The Brewers, after all, have gone 37-23 against teams that have the letter “R” in their names, and they play those teams 25 times for the rest of the year. The Cubs are screwed.