Cubs Vendors Can't Even Be Original At Racism

Thanks to SportsByBrooks for the pic of this moronic shirt being sold at Wrigley today.

Kudos to the idiot who stole the idea from some idiotic Cards fan and made a sad knock-off version.

Well done, sir.

On a lighter, less racist note, there's this:



Awesome even without a translation.

Go Cubs.

The Curse of the Z No-No

The goat has absolved me of my sin.

Ok, so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that after months of racking my brain, trying to figure out what has turned the Cubs from favorites to frustrating-as-f#&k...I finally figured it out. As it turns out, it isn't the DeRo trade. Nor the bullpen. It's not the poor play of Soto and Bradley. It isn't even the injury to Aramis. No, sadly the lackluster play of the Cubs since the end of the 2008 regular season is the result of something...else.

Which brings me to the bad news.

This is all my fault.

As I mentioned in my 90210 Playoff Preview last September, there was a certain game last year in Milwaukee that I kinda, sorta missed.

Let's let 2008 J Dot explain:

In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about it. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize.

Yeah, I know. I am not the brightest knife in the chandelier. But don't worry it gets much, much worse.

After the regular season ended, WGN decided to re-air the Zambrano no-hitter for those of us dumb enough to have missed it the first time. So, I recorded it. But with the playoffs just around the corner, I never got around to watching it.

So...

When the Cubs crapped the bed and made a quick exit in the playoffs, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the Jim Hendry went bat-shit crazy on us and traded away not one, but TWO clubhouse leaders and replaced them with "players" like Kevin Gregg and Aaron Miles, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the bullpen forgot how to make the round white thing go over the pentagon-shaped white thing, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When players started dropping like flies and the bats took a sabbatical, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

Now, I wonder what the common denominator was during this fun little eight-month tailspin?

Oh. Right. My bad.

But have no fear, my four readers, there is a silver lining. I deleted the game (without watching it of course, I'm not a complete idiot) on Friday morning. Since then, the Cubs are 2-1.

Curse lifted.

You're welcome.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Continue to Win, Bore My Pants Off

I turned on the game yesterday when it was 1-1 and watched as the Cubs proceeded to treat the woeful Padres like a red-headed step child. Three changes and six runs later, I flipped the channel never to return.

My bad.

It was a beautiful day at the ballpark, and the Cubs were on their way to a sweep. I should have been dancing around high-fiving my imaginary friends. I wasn't. In fact, I couldn't have cared less.

What in the hell is going on? Have I grown so accustomed to them winning that it has become tiresome to watch? Doubtful. Are the Padres so bad that I didn't feel the last three victories were that big of a deal? Possibly. Is this team lacking a personality or players that are fun to watch? Bingo.

Don't get me wrong. There are some great players on this team, and I am excited that they are playing well, but I'm not really as emotionally invested as I normally am. With Mr. Clutch on the DL and Mr. Never Bunt For a Hit Ever Again nursing a bad hammie, I am hard-pressed to think of a guy on this team that pumps me up on a daily basis. Think about it. Outside of the Bobby "Story Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture" Scales and the suddenly home-run happy Theriot, this team is pretty boring.

Sure Soriano is killing the ball, but do his ABs really have that electricity or buzz that make them must-see TV? Not really.

Milton Bradley may be finally turning it around, but his plate appearances are like watching paint dry. A buddy of mine recently joked that he had yet to see Milton swing. He wasn't that far off. The man takes a TON of pitches. I realize that its because he has a good eye, but it is still mind-numbing to watch sometimes.

And...(pausing).

See, I can't even come up with anything remotely interesting to say about anyone else.

Without Z and Aramis, this is just a team of hard-working guys who get the job done. Nothing flashy, nothing highlight-worthy. Just good, honest, BORE ME TO TEARS baseball.

Yes, I am aware that I am looking a gift horse DIRECTLY in the mouth. Yes, I understand that I will be singing a different tune when the Cubs are mired in a seven-game losing streak and I am ready to sell my first born for a win. I get it. Really I do. It's just winning is so damn...uneventful.

Go (YAWN) Cubs.

Better Than the Pirates...How's That For Predication?

Now there's an image to get you pumped up for the 2009 season, eh? Am I right? Bueller?

Anyhoo, when last we left our friendly, north side baseball club, they were being handed their own asses on a platter. But why dwell on the past, right? As a new season begins, the hopes and dreams of Cubs fans everywhere are the highest they will be all year. The slate, as the say, has been wiped clean. Gone are the painful memories of last year. In their place is the hope that this year is THE year. It's a good feeling, no matter how fleeting.

So, as we count down the hours until Z takes the mound, I thought I would break from the blogger tradition of season previews and predictions and offer up a few things that WON'T happen in 2009.

1) The Cubs Will Not Win the World Series.
Sorry, I thought it would be less painful if I got this one out of the way first. As much as I like this team and the additions that our buffet-loving GM made, there are still more questions than answers. Will Harden and Bradley stay healthy? Can Fuku remember how to connect the bat with the ball? Can the bullpen survive without Wuertz's sliders or Guadin's facial hair? Do the Cubs have any outfield defense? Sadly, the answers to those questions are: No, No, Never and God No. That will make it hard to win the division, let alone the World Series. Lucky for the Cubs, the NL Central is going to be horrific.

2) Carlos Zambrano Will Not Win the Cy Young.
He will be a 20-game winner though, so there's that. Maturity and command, two things that have eluded Carlos his whole career, will finally help him reach that elite pitcher status. Fear not, Z fans. You can still count on him for a tantrum or seven and possibly a few questionable hair styles.

3) The Cardinals Will Not Go Away (Until August)
A nucleus of young talent will help the hated Cardinals keep pace with the Cubs until after the All-Star break. Then, after failing to land Peavy at the trade deadline, they will collapse under the considerable weight of their shitty rotation.

4) Jake Peavy Will Not Finish the Season a Padre.
Unfortunately, he will also not finish the season a Cub. After a fierce bidding war, the D-backs will land Peavy in a trade that sends the struggling Justin Upton and a collection of minor league arms to San Diego.

5) The White Sox Will Not Finish In Last Place.
They will finish in second to last. Quentin and Ramirez will come back down to earth. Fields will be a bust. The rotation outside of Buehrle and Danks is awful. Not good news for a division that may be the strongest in the AL this year. I hope they do better, but I doubt it.

Let's get it started!

Go Cubs.

Abandoned? Never. Lazy? Probably.

When I stopped by the blog the other day and realized it had been nearly two weeks since there had been a new post, I nearly fell out of my chair. A thousand humble apologies, four readers. I have been neglecting you.

It's not that I forgot about the blog or about our Chicago Cubs, it's just there hasn't been a whole lot to talk about. In addition to the slow trickle of news out of Mesa, my Missouri Tigers have made a "historic" run to the Sweet 16 and have kind of taken up all my free time over the last few weeks (Memphis should take care of this problem on Thursday).

That being said, I thought I would make it up to you with a quick post, filled with even quicker thoughts about the 2009 Cubs and a variety of other topics. Think twitter, but more interesting (maybe).

Zambrano Named Opening Day Starter:
Well, we weren't going to go 162-0 anyway, might as well get it out of the way as soon as possible. The collective amnesia surrounding Z and his opening day performances is getting a little re-dunk-ulous at this point.

Bradley Nursing Injuries and/or the Flu:
How many times you think Milton is gonna get the "flu " this year? 20? 40? I have him penciled in for 75 games at this point which is saying something since I am one of the idiots who wanted him here.

Sam Fuld Demoted, Might Not Be That Good:
Experts: Inconceivable!
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Japan Wins WBC:
I watched four innings last night. Seeing how pumped the fans were was pretty entertaining. Listening to Joe Morgan was not.

Marshall Named #5 Starter:
Want an example of how little I've been paying attention? COI broke this story for me. Zing!

Soriano Is Not Hitting Lead-off/Soriano Is Hitting Lead-off:
I don't think there is a storyline I care less about. As long as he hits the ball, he can bat wherever he wants. D-Lee on the other hand...

Fuku's Struggles Where About Making "Cultural Adjustment" to US:
Here I thought it was because he had adopted a "Close Eyes, Spin Like Top" batting style. Shows what I know.

DeRo Still With Indians, Wife Still Sad:
She saw a highlight of him at the WBC and nearly broke into tears. Thankfully, I beat her to it and ran out of the room sobbing.

Fast and Furious Hits Theatres April 3rd:
Let me be the first to say: Best. Movie. Ever.

Go Cubs.

Are You There God? It's Me, Carlos.

Oh boy.

That wasn't really the start to the post season I was picturing. Apparently, Dempster isn't one of my three readers and missed the post yesterday about throwing strikes. Crap.

So now what?

Well, if we were ranking worst-case scenarios...this one is probably top 3, maybe even #1. Why? The LAST thing we need tonight is Carlos thinking he has to play the hero. The man has enough trouble keeping it together normally, what do you think will happen when he assumes it's his job to save the Cubs season? I know that answer. He's gonna try to throw the ball THROUGH Soto.

Maybe I'm a pessimist, but just the thought of a pumped up Z out there tonight throwing straight-as-an-arrow 97 MPH heaters gives me IBS. We all know Carlos works best at or below 94 MPH. That's when his sinker is most effective. Basically, in Z's case, speed kills. So the more emotional he is or the more pressure he puts on himself, the harder he throws. The harder he throws, the less the ball sinks. The less the ball sinks, the more it stays in the zone. The more it stays in the zone, the sooner we can start talking about next year.

I am a fan of Carlos, don't get me wrong, but this is the EXACT scenario that was keeping me up at night. Z on the mound at home in a must-win game. Most pitchers feed off these high pressure situations. Z loses his friggin' mind. The only way it could be worse was if let's say the umps seemed to be enforcing a smaller strike zone than normal...oh wait. So not only will Z be over-throwing every pitch, he won't be getting the calls he thinks he should be getting. I'm sure that will improve the situation. Kill me now.

I could be totally wrong about this, who knows. Maybe Carlos is a different beast this fall. Maybe he can channel his emotions like he did up in Miller Park. Maybe he can hit his spots and dominate. I THINK he can. I'll BELIEVE IT after I see his MPH in the 1st.

No pressure radar gun dude.

Go Cubs.

Break-Up? No, I Just Wanted to Take a Break...

Dear Cubs.

We need to talk. I think I owe you an apology. After Thome hit that home run on Sunday, I said some things I'm not proud of. For that I am truly sorry, but you have to understand how frustrated you were making me.

As you finished up your series with Atlanta, we were having the time of our lives. Remember? Oh how we laughed as you completed the sweep of the Braves. We were on top of the world then. 19 games over .500 with an 11 game home winning streak and your longest losing streak at that point was only 2 games. Then you went on that trip up to Toronto. It's a terrible place to play and I could tell you missed home. But you toughed it out. That made me so proud. But that's when the trouble started.

You headed down to Tampa and it's like you became a totally different team. Do you remember our first fight? I remember it like it was yesterday. After losing a close first game, I should have noticed the early warning signs in game 2. First Johnson has back spasms, then Edmonds hurts his foot and then Z is pulled out with shoulder trouble. Z! I was so worried it was making me sick, but I still had faith in you. You had been so good to me all year that I knew you could bounce back. But you didn't. It's like you were trying to hurt me. 7 runs in the 7th? Was that some sort of joke? I was so angry when that game ended I could spit, but I told myself that you deserved my support. You had earned it. It was, after all, your first 3 game losing streak of the year and you were coming home to play the White Sox.

I was so excited for you to be back home that I could barely sleep that night. What a weekend! I mean, the walkoff HR and then those two straight DOMINATING wins! Unreal! It was like I had you back. Maybe it was all the travel that made you so bad in Tampa. "Maybe things will go back to normal now," I thought. I was confident you had righted the ship and with Baltimore coming to town, I knew in my heart that the worst was over.

Boy was I wrong. After losing two out of three to the Orioles (seriously, the Orioles!) I thought maybe you would at least show up against your crosstown rivals over the weekend. Not a chance. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to root for you when you play like that? Did you even think of my feelings when you were serving up gopher ball after gopher ball? Did you even consider how much you hurt me with your sloppy defense and base-running gaffes? You didn't did you? Typical.

So, yes...after Thome hit that home run I turned off the TV. I cursed you and your lousy rotation. I bitched about Aramis' lack of hitting, your costly mistakea and all the other things you did wrong over the past two weeks. I prayed for rain outs in SF and St. Louis. What did you expect? But then I crossed the line. I said that I wasn't going to watch you play anymore. I meant it at the time sure, but when I woke up the next morning I realized that I had made a mistake. You've had so many injuries during this bad stretch and who knows, if one wild pitch had bounced a different way or if they hadn't decided to use semi-drunk minor league umps on Sunday, we might not be even having this discussion.

Unfortunately, being the stubborn man I am, I couldn't back down from my boycott. I had to show you that you had hurt me. So I did it. No TV, no radio...I even ignored my fantasy teams. It was hard. I kept wanting to peek at a score, but I couldn't. Then this morning, I turned on WGN news and saw that you won! I was so happy for you it was like I was floating. But then it hit me.

You won without me. You didn't need me cheering every hit or fretting over every pitch. I started to wonder, "Am I the reason you lost those games?" I know it sounds crazy, but I was truly worried.

That's why I wrote you this letter. I wanted to make sure that it was OK with you that I watched tonight. I know I was a jerk and you have every right to be mad. Just say the word and I'll stay away from you as long as you want. If you think I'm a jinx, so be it. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd love to be able to watch you play tonight. So what do you say? Can you cut this overly-obsessed, borderline insane and apparently really long-winded fan a break for old time's sake?

Go Cubs.

While They Rest, Why Not Review?

So, after a "game" against Dusty Baker's Reds on Wednesday where the Cubs got beaten like a red-headed, freckled, bedazzled jean jacket-wearing step child, the gods of scheduling thankfully gave them an off day today. And boy do they need it.

On April 24th, they were 15-6 and coming off an exciting extra innings victory in the great state of Colorado. 13 games and one poorly timed Live Blog later, they are now 19-15. Eek. Experts, reports, bloggers, regular fans and whatever category Mariotti falls under (my vote is for "nincompoop") are losing their minds. Since I have already addressed the "Chicken Little" Syndrome" that seems to plague Cubs fans and HJE took these same fans behind the woodshed a few days ago, I feel my time is better served with some positive refection about this team. So, as the Cubs lick their wounds and prepare for the "best team in baseball" this weekend, let's take a tour of HappyCubstown, USA (pop. 4ish).

1) Carlos Zambrano Might, In Fact, Be Good At This Pitching Thing

Don't believe me? Want stats? Here you go:

After 8 starts last year, Carlos was rocking these numbers:

Record: 3-3
ERA: 5.83
IP: 46.1
Hits: 50
Runs: 32
ER: 30
BBI: 24
K: 35
HR: 10

Not exactly Cy Young-esque

Now, here are his stats for 2008 after the same amount of starts:

Record: 5-1
ERA: 1.80
Innings: 55
Hits: 47
Runs: 11
ER: 11
HR: 3
BBI: 14
K: 38

So basically, he is significantly better in EVERY category except for K's. Wow. Also remember, that he gets better as it gets warmer. If nothing else, it's gonna be a blast watching him pitch every 5th day. That and he's a borderline loon so...BONUS!

2) Rich Hill Can't Hurt You Anymore

I have always felt like the one sane person in a land of nut jobs when it came to Rich. I have been screaming myself hoarse over the years saying:

Rich Hill Sucks Donkey Testicles (and not in a good way)!

But does anyone listen? No. They pencil him in as the #3 starter, drool over the 15+ games he's gonna win, "ooh and ahh" when he throws one of those stupid 15 MPH sweeping curve balls that fools no one AND dance the jig when he falls to them in their fantasy draft.

Then what happens?

He is worse than anyone could have every imagined. Like, say, pulled after only recording 2 outs in the first inning worse, as an example.

I've seen this moron struggle with fielding drills that an 8 year old fresh off exploratory brain surgery could master and yet he's our golden boy? Huh? Wha?

At least Lou has seen the light and sent his ass packing. Good riddance.


NOTE: The first person who comes up to me in the next few weeks talking about how Hill has "found it" in the minors and rattles off the "awesome" strikeout numbers he is putting up on the farm, is going to get beat with his or her own shoe. Don't say I didn't warn you.

3) A Youth Movement With Absolutely Zero Ties to LSU

That's right. With Soto, Marmol and even Cedeno, the Cubs actually have some promising young talent that is not, in fact, "scrappy." Without going to overboard, there's a pretty good chance that two of these guys could become regular all-stars AND the third (that's you Ronnie) has a new "Oh, you want me to hit the ball OUT of the infield, now I get it!" approach which makes him valuable. Translation? More starts for Cedeno which means less at-bats for the "Bayou Boys." So, apparently there is a God and he hates gumbo. Good to know.

4) There's Only 6 Years Left In Soriano's Contract

I kid. I kid.

It's like 5.5 years.

Go Cubs.