Finally, An Excuse to Break Out the Old #20!

As the proud owner of the above jersey, which I believe I purchased right before he blew out his knee in 2003 (you're welcome), I was excited to see this news over the weekend.

Brewers Sign Corey Patterson

Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Brewers Outbid Imaginary CC Suitors

According to Ken Rosenthal over at FoxSports, the Brewers have a come up with an offer for CC...

4 Years.

100 Million.

My first reaction?

"I must still be drunk."

Sadly, I was not.

Even sadder, he will turn that down for MORE money from someone else.

I can't wait to see what the offer is for Sheets.

Go Cubs

The NL Playoff Contenders Have A New Zipcode!

With the boring baseball on display over the past three days, I found myself thinking about the postseason.

So many questions are still unanswered at this point:

Will Ned Yost join the Fox team so we can all giggle when he's asked about how to best manage pitchers?

Can they find someone even douchier than Dane Cook to top last year's "THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!" commercials?

Will they actually blow up Shea with the Mets still inside when they miss the playoffs?

But thanks to endless 90210 promos on CW/WGN AMERICA these days, one question stuck out.

If the (current) playoff teams were characters on the original Beverly Hills 90210, who would they be?

The Los Angeles Dodgers as...

David Silver.

David spent most of his early years on 90210 just trying to fit in with all the "cooler kids" at West Beverly. He worked really hard to get accepted...sometimes too hard. You wanted to like his chances of succeeding, but at the same time you knew that the rest of the group basically thought of him as an also-ran. The general consensus on the Dodgers is no different. No matter how hard they try, they are still only a whopping 6 games over .500 and are actually having a hard time holding off the "surging" Rockies (68-83). No one outside of LA thinks thinks of them as a threat in the post season. Good news? At least Manny puts out.

The Philadelphia Phillies as...

Brandon Walsh.

The hair, the Mustang, the strong morals...Brandon was really the complete package. Other than some gambling issues and poor decision-making in the girlfriend department (I'm looking at you, Emily), he basically could do no wrong. Problem was, he was boring as hell to watch. You always found yourself wishing he'd screw up once in awhile to shake things up. Same thing with the Phillies. Sure, they can hit, field and throw with the best of them, but at the end of the day you find yourself wishing for something more.

The New York Mets as...

Dylan McKay.

Maybe it was the fact that he didn't give a shit that made him so appealing. Or maybe it was the fact he was a closet Elvis Impersonator. Either way, you loved Dylan in all his wet suit glory. Each week, you were glued to the TV to see how far he could fall and if JUST ONCE he would heed Jim Walsh's advice. He defined train wreck. Sound familiar? Each fall, we all watch with glee as the Mets begin their inevitable collapse. No matter how much talent they have, they just can't seem to keep it together. If I were this girl:

I would stay as far away from Shea as possible.

The Chicago Cubs as...

Steve Sanders.

Overlooked early on as just another spoiled rich kid with an embarrassing haircut, Steve blossomed into the coolest guy on the show. He made up for a lack of cool sideburns and some questionable academic choices with a laid back attitude, a sweet corvette and some pretty rad zoobas. He even almost accomplished the impossible...making frat boys look cool. You loved him because he was the happy medium between the annoying angel Brandon and the boring bad boy Dylan. He came across as the kind of guy you see yourself hanging out with at a bar. That's the Cubs in a nut shell. Millionaire ball players who aren't too full of themselves. Down-to-earth guys who are easy to root for. Sure they have a swagger, but really they're just a bunch of dudes having fun playing baseball...sadly, however, without the permed mullets.

And finally...

The Milwaukee Brewers as...

Scott Scanlon

Just like Scott, the Brewers had a promising future ahead of them this fall. Tons of talent, fun to watch and that infectious kind of "nerdy outsider" appeal that made you really want good things to happen for them.

Unfortunately, they shot themselves in the gut...and died.

Go Cubs!

PS. In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my friends strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize. Just wanted to get that out there.

Side Note: Did anyone else keep picturing the Astros manager running into Bob Uecker in the hallway after Monday's game, having a flashback of his "One hit? All we got is one god damn hit?" line from Major League and then killing Bob with his own shoe. Anyone? Tell me I wasn't the only one who thought of this. Bueller?

Schadenfreude Sunday

The most common and overused argument stupid people make when attempting to creatively make fun of the Cubs or their fans usually involves the words "1908" or "Bartman." And while its true that the Cubs have pretty much blown for the last 100 years, the Cubs (at least in the last 30-40 years or so) have pretty regularly had at least one or two players per generation that provided really solid entertainment.

This is emphasized in the ESPN ratings grab known as "Baseball Tonight's All-Time Franchise Players." Its roughly the entertainment equivalent of "Who's Now" or "Titletown, U.S.A."; however, it provides an interesting comparison for those fans (especially Brewers fans) who want to stupidly criticize the Cubs for their 100 years of futility.

Let's take a look at the Cubs' list:

Cap Anson
Ernie Banks
Mordecai Brown
Mark Grace
Gabby Hartnett
Ferguson Jenkins
Ryne Sandberg
Ron Santo
Sammy Sosa
Billy Williams

Out of a list of 10 players, that's 7 Hall of Famers, 2 likely Hall of Famers (Santo and Sosa), and one guy in the Honorary Wrigleyville Ass-Getting Hall of Fame* (Grace). Not too bad...not to mention guys like Andre Dawson and Hack Wilson didn't even make the list.

NOW...

for fun...

let's compare that with the list of the team whose fans talked a whole lot of shit leading up to this week, the Milwaukee Brewers:

Mike Caldwell
Cecil Cooper
Jim Gantner
Teddy Higuera
Geoff Jenkins
Paul Molitor
Ben Ogilve
Dan Plesac
Gorman Thomas
Robin Yount

Okay, now that's one...two hall of famers, about six middle of the road offensive players, and Dan Plesac. Dan Mother F'n Plesac. A guy who, while he was a closer for a little over half his Brewers' career, was a middle reliever for the majority of his baseball career.

Let me write that again: In the entire Brewers' history, there weren't ten players better than a middle reliever.

Of the other players on the list, I don't think anything needs to be said about Teddy Higuera or Geoff Jenkins. My only question regarding these guys is how the hell did Jeromy Burnitz not make the list? And how sad is that last question?

So for all the crap Cubs fans have had to put up with over the last 100 years of bad teams, at least we can take a little solace in the number of truly great players that have come through town. And the team whose ass the Cubs kicked this week has Geoff Jenkins.

Ahh...screw that. We've sucked. For a long time. But other teams have sucked worse.

*Still Under Construction

Things to be Grateful For After Games 1 and 2 of Brewers Series

1.Ryan Braun’s defense.

2.Thin handles on maple bats.

3.Reed Johnson’s ability to locate the center of gravity on another human being.

4.Patience at the plate.

5.Rickie Weeks' defense.

6.Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano’s ability to get to second base after admiring what they thought to be home runs.

7.The predictability of Chicago columnists (Cardinals are better than the Cubs! Oh wait…Brewers are better than the Cubs! Oh wait…the Angels are better than the Cubs!)

8.Corey Hart’s defense.

9.The inability of Ben Sheets to throw low and outside sliders to Derrek Lee.

10.Mike Fonenot and Carlos Zambrano’s pregame handshake.

11.Ned Yost’s decision-making ability.

Two Teams Enter. Two Teams Leave. So Everyone Calm Down.

Tonight it begins. Two bitter rivals square off at the Corner of Clark and Addison. The Chicago Cubs and their nemesis from the north...the Milwaukee Brewers.

Who will be the victors?

What are the spoils for said victors?

Why is the media so obsessed about a series in April?

When will I stop asking questions in giant fonts?

Sorry.

After reading countless articles over the past few days about how much this series matters, I kind of lost it a little bit. I mean, we get it. It's the Brewers. But do they really think we are gonna be swinging from the rafters at Wrigley tonight in anticipation of this epic battle? Seriously?

Let me give you a few reasons why this series isn't quite the season-defining juggernaut that media thinks it is.


1) 25 Games

That's it. We've played 25 games, folks. The 2008 season is a month old. By my math (and bear with me, I ain't so good with numbers), we have around 137 games left. So forgive me if I think there may be one or two more pivotal series between now and say...4 MONTHS FROM NOW! Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about our 16-9 team, but when people start freaking out about a 3 game series when snow is still a realistic possibility, I think it's time to take a deep breath and back away from the ledge for a minute. For god's sake, at least wait until Prince Fielder eats his way up 5 sizes into a glorified pair of "fat-man sweats" before totally losing it.

2. Marquis v. Sheets

What's the over/under on this game? 35? Conventional wisdom would dictate that this will be a low scoring affair because of the weather, but with these two yokels on the hill, the score could be 42-41 after 3 innings.

Better question: What are the chances that EITHER of these guys is a factor down the stretch?
1000-1?

Marquis can probably keep up his "smoke and mirrors" thing until the All-Star Break and then either a) he'll be traded for a bag of balls and some sunflower seeds or b) he'll be taken behind the woodshed and put out of his misery. There is no middle ground here. Sheets? Last I looked, the line in Vegas on whether or not his arm will actually detach from his body is a "pick 'em," so best case scenario he's making a comeback as a lefty come August, worst case he's enjoying his 57th trip to the DL.

What I'm saying here is, this match up tonight isn't a playoff preview by any stretch of the imagination. Just remember that.

3. This is the Cardinals Division to Lo...

Damn, I couldn't even finish typing that without falling over giggling. Don't jinx them you say? Here's what I say. While they have had an AMAZING start, take a gander at who they trot out weekly to pitch.

Adam Wainwright
Kyle Lohse
Brandon Looper
Todd Wellemeyer (yes, that Todd Wellemeyer)

I don't care if Pujols hits 80 HR this year AND pitches 10 complete games, they've got no shot. That being said, I am fully aware that this post guarantees that the Cubs will get swept this weekend in STL. I can live with that.

4. We've got bigger things to worry about.

Like, for example, this:


Damn you SI. Damn you to hell.

Go Cubs.

Why I Hate the Brewers

So I had big plans for tonight. We were going to brave the Edens construction and head up to Milwaukee for the Hold Steady show, but the show doesn’t start until latenight. This, of course, was perfect, because we could catch a Brewers game beforehand, do some tailgating, and generally use baseball and music as an excuse to drink too much. Of course, no one I know actually likes the Brewers, but the ability to tailgate at Miller Park is an amenity that we know not in the parking lotless Wrigleyville.

But then the stupid Brewers had to go and have a stupid road game on Friday in stupid New York against the stupid Mets and ruin my plans for an evening of self-destructive behavior. I don’t care that the team has nothing to do with making the schedule…I’m officially bitter.

So, in celebration of my specious reasoning, here are ten equally irrational reasons to hate the Brewers in 2008, other than the fact that they’re, you know, the Cubs’ main rival.


Read More...

1. The vendors at Miller Park are ridiculously nice and never give you attitude or make it seem like they’re doing you a favor by taking your $35 for 4 beers. Come on…I’m from Chicago. We’re not comfortable getting any basic food service without being made to feel guilty that we asked for extra ketchup.

2. The Brewers have good fantasy players. I have three fantasy teams (yes, I’m a tool-see, well, every other post I’ve made for proof), and between them, I have Ryan Braun, Rickie Weeks, Yovani Gallardo, Corey Hart, and Eric Gagne. Nothing like rooting for the Brewers to score 12 runs per game and hopefully lose. Nothing like seeing them to do it only to notice that Braun went 0-4 with a walk.

3. Bernie Brewer. Actually, not so much Bernie Brewer, just the fact that he doesn’t slide into beer anymore. Embrace your alcoholism, Bernie. At least then I could respect you. Right now, you’re just a phony.

4. The fact that they haven’t changed the name from Miller Park to Vagina Field yet. Seriously-look at it on Google Earth when the roof is open. I’m actually surprised the FCC hasn’t banned all video images from the Goodyear blimp above Miller Park. Actually, I’m more annoyed that they didn’t build an identical stadium in D.C. and put it right next to the Washington Monument. By the way, I am nothing if not utterly sophomoric.

5. Bill Hall. I picked you in the third round last year and you sucked ass. You’ve already hit four home runs this season. I hate you.

6. Bob Uecker. Yeah, he’s a really good announcer. Yes, he pushes Major League from “really good baseball movie” to “in the team picture for best baseball movie ever.” But he never respected Mr. Belvedere’s role in raising Wesley, even when Mr. Belvedere convinced Wesley not to make fun of the kid with AIDS like the rest of his classmates were doing. Not cool, Mr. Owens. Not cool.

7. Streaks on the china,
Never mattered before,
Who cares.
When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.
But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.
All hands look out below
There’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.
According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Ten bucks says that’s in your head for the rest of the day.

8. The stadium, on the inside, is an exact replica of Chase Field in Phoenix. But without the pool. Or the hot ASU students that get paid to sit by the pool wearing almost nothing.

9. I’ve lost way too much money betting on the sausage race. Screw me again Frankie Furter and I’m going Randall Simon on your ass.

10. Jason Kendall is hitting over .500. He needs to realize that he’s not a good player. Soon.