No, I did not suffer a major head trauma over the weekend (that I can remember) nor am I currently drunk. I am, in fact, dead serious. The 2008 Chicago Cubs MVP is Felix Pie. Yes, that Felix Pie.
(Waiting patiently for my four readers to stop shaking their heads.)
Don't believe me? Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we. Coming out of spring training, the young phenom Pie was all set to take over in center. It was his time to shine. Problem was, he forgot to bring his bat with him when they broke camp. In 30 games to start the year, the "5-tool" star managed 14 hits. FOURTEEN. That's half a hit per game for all you math geeks. That is not exactly making the most of your opportunity. In those same 30 games, he struck out a whopping 23 times. He drove in 7 and had a homer. Pie jerseys were approaching "Half Off!" status and the boo-birds were out in force at Wrigley.
So how is he the MVP? It is because of this amazing display of sucktitude that Jim "yes, I have room for thirds" Hendry was able to make TWO very important roster moves that solidified the Cubs as the team to beat in the NL.
1) Reed Johnson
After being let go by the Blue Jays, Johnson was basically just looking to play baseball...anywhere...when Hendry scooped him up. Originally just acquired as an extra outfielder, all Reed did was shove Pie aside and start raking the ball. In 86 games, he's slugging .458 with 45 runs scored. He's been solid in center and clutch when it counts. Basically, he was the anti-Pie. Not bad for a guy without a team in April.
2) Jim Edmonds
Speaking of guys without a team, Jimbo was hobbled by a calf injury to start the season and was putting up Pie-like numbers for the Padres. Showing absolutely zero patience for the struggling veteran who had done nothing but hit his whole career, San Diego gave Edmonds his walking papers after only 26 games. Ouch. Despite many desperate pleas by dumb-ass bloggers like this idiot, Hendry signed Jim and hooked him up to the rejuvenation machine. Just like Reed, he has caught everything hit his way in center and belted 15 HR along the way. Not bad at all for a former douchebag.
So as the Cubs head down the homestretch, moving closer and closer to a win total that should end up somewhere north of 90, take a moment to thank Mr. Pie for all he has done for this team. Without his valuable lack of contributions early in the season, our beloved team wouldn't have the best record in baseball let alone a 4.5 game lead in the division. Way to go Pie, your MVP trophy is in the mail!
Subject: JJ Putz Just Murdered My Fantasy Team, Let's Talk Cubs. J dot:
All right Martin, let's get serious. I need to fixate on the Cubs so I don't consider eating a bullet after seeing Longoria is on the DL with a (expletive deleted) fractured wrist...
It's August 11th, the Cubs have the best record in the NL and a 3.5 game lead in the Central...yet I am not happy. In fact, I am far from happy. Why? Fukudome can't hit, Howry can't throw and the closer "Rambo" gets to 200 innings the less I sleep. Add that to the fact that there is still a good chance we get hit with another injury and/or Marmol starts throwing like it's June again and we (that's the royal 'we') are screwed. Am I insane? Wait, don't answer that. Just talk me off the ledge before I stick my head in the oven.
Yours Truly,
J dot the bitter.
Martin:
Wow. When did you get Chicken Little disease? You know that if an asteroid comes directly towards earth and we can't get Bruce Willis to give up his life so that Liv Tyler can bang Ben Affleck, we're all screwed, right?
You chose the day after the Cubs have won 6 of 7 against the two teams trailing them, a week after they made the Brewers look like Prince Fielder's All-Vegetarian Dump, and watched as Chris Carpenter's arm took one more step towards Dave Dravecky territory?
Let's see...you're worried about the #8 hitter, the 5th best reliever (out of six), and a non-existent injury.
Here are some things that are de-head-in-oven-ifying: 1) The combined records of the teams the Cubs play over the next 15 games is 58 games under .500. 2) According to ESPN, the Cubs' likelihood of making the playoffs is 95%, second only to the Angels, who play in a godawaful division.
Is there anything remotely significant that you can cite as to why are actually worried?. Extra points for not mentioning the words "100 years," "Bartman," or "Goats."
Glass Surprisingly Half-Fullingly,
-m
J dot:
First of all, "godawaful"?
Second. I am not this lady.
I just think that there are some issues with this team that even you can admit exist. First and foremost, I think Alan Trammel is on steroids. He has obviously gone up three hat sizes since the season started. That needs to be addressed...soon. Also, 70's Night was basically rained out. People spent a lot of money at various thrift stores to look like morons on TV. They deserve their time to shine.
Not So Sincerely,
J dot
Martin:
Yes, "godawaful." I decided to write it phonetically so that the Cardinals' fans can read it in their native language.
Now, on to your new questions, which of course are much more concerning than the first set.
I totally agree about Trammel. Someone needs to do something. Are you listening, Congress?
As far as the rainout, I think they can have another 70s night because most of the goons who dressed up thought that tie-dyed shirts and hippies were cool in the 70s. Or maybe they can just have an 80s night so people can get out their leisure suits and disco records. Dumbasses.
Ok, I will admit there are some things that are moderately concerning.
Is Jim Edmonds going to get assassinated by some minion of Elias Coblentz? Will Alexis Marshall make it back into the booth to promote some charity Cubs-wives' activity? Why was our GM dumb enough to draft a guy with a bad back in the first round?
Wait...scratch that last one. Wrong team.
I think there is very little to worry about with this team, at least as far as the regular season goes. Who knows what can happen after that, but I need to actually enjoy the ride for once. God knows its probably never happening again, regardless of what's on the t-shirts that the douchebag who charged Randy Myers made.
J dot:
Cardinal Fans?
I don't think we have Cardinal fan readers of this blog, but in the off chance that we do...
BATTING THE PITCHER 8TH IS F&%KING DUMB. There I said it. I don't care what that blowhole Joe Morgan says (I think that goes without saying). You're telling me that you would rather have Carpenter batting with a runner in scoring position than say Izturis? Wait. Don't answer that. Better question. Why is Izturis batting 9th? He's not gonna get on. If you firmly believe in this BS about "getting guys on in front of Albert," then maybe think about putting an ACTUAL HITTER IN THE 9 HOLE! Idiot.
Whew. I feel better.
Also, I have no idea who Elias Coblentz is. Just wanted to get in front of that one.
J (to the) dot
Martin:
Of course you know Elias. Maybe you just call him ECob, though. He's this winner:
Wait, you don't like Joe Morgan? What's wrong with Joe Morgan? He was almost accurate last night when he remarked that the Cardinals were only one run away from being "in grand slam range" when they were down 6-0 last night. That's impressively close to being right on the whole counting thing.
As far as the hitting the pitcher eighth thing, what else should Tony LaRussa do? He needs to make sure that he is constantly and ridiculously over-managing so that stupid sportscasters want to deadhorse him when he passes out at the next stoplight. Double switches can only go so far. The guy is known as TLR (LRLRLRLRLRLRLRLR) for a reason.
-m
J dot:
Getting off Tony for a second, cuz I just got off yours...wait, that's not how that joke goes is it? I was just informed by Mrs. J dot that Men's Synchronized Diving is an actual Olympic event. How did that happen?
Martin: I think it happened when Men's Synchronized Swimming got canned.
Hey, I just realized there's a no hitter going on at The Cell. Hey, no more no hitter at the Cell. That was fun.
J dot:
A) I don't root against the White Sox, that's just petty. B) You stole my joke.
Martin:
Why in God's name would I root against the White Sox when John Danks is pitching? He's my only non-shitty fantasy player. They're also playing the almost-Yankees, which are probably the most annoying team in baseball.
J dot:
When did we stop talking about the Cubs? Cuz if we've moved let me just add that Jacoby is killing me.
Martin:
See...that's what happens when your favorite team doesn't have much to worry about. You can move on quickly to your crappy fantasy teams.
J dot:
Yeah. Thanks for reminding me about (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Longoria again. I will now walk in front of a bus.
As I rode the pines the past few weeks, I started looking back through some old posts of mine and I noticed that there was a common theme. I am an idiot. It seems that when it came to predictions or opinions about this team and its players, accuracy was never my strong suit. Since I never claimed to be anything but a moron, this shouldn't come as a surprise. That being said, even I was a little stunned by the level of idiocy I brought to this blog at times. So let's take a stroll together down memory lane while I reexamine four of my more memorable, er, errors in judgement. It's nothing if not awe-inspiring.
1) Jim Edmonds
What I said:
May 12th, 2008
40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.
Ok. I'm not proud of this one, but come on! We are talking about JIM EDMONDS. When I wrote that, there was only one Cardinal in the history of baseball I hated more (you know who you are, Fernando). He was 37 years old and was just CUT by a major league baseball team. Not demoted. Cut. There are no good signs there. Just red flags.
What I said:
May 14th, 2008
Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months.PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.
I actually gagged when I reread that. Man, I HATED Jimbo. That wasn't healthy at all. But let's all remember, I technically hadn't said anything WRONG at this point. I DID hate Jim Edmonds. It was a fact. Just wanted to point that out in case you were keeping score.
What I said:
May 20th, 2008
In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband?" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.
Here are the stats for the 'asshat poster boy" since joining the Cubs:
BA .277, 12 HR. 36 RBI and 26 Runs in 53 games.
Oops. Needless to say I was dead wrong and the Cubs are a better team with him in the lineup. Even better is the fact that the bargain basement signing of Jimbo kept us from having to panic and give away 2 prospects for an equally old player who can't even play center anymore. Not naming names. Just facts.
2) Ryan Theriot
What I said:
April 1, 2008
Cubs Sent Theriot to the Reds
From an AP article late today:In a surprising move, the Cubs sent fan favorite Ryan Stewart Theriot to the Reds this afternoon for a player to be named later. In what may go down as the quickest hook in the history of MLB, the Cubs seemed to be washing their hands of the underachieving SS after an 0-5 performance on Monday's season opener.When reached for comment, Jim Hendry said,
"To be honest, we were hoping they would send us a bag of baseballs for Ryan...not new, mind you, but at least a full bag. When they agreed to a player to be named later, we were very pleased. Our only provision was that this "player-to-be-named" was NOT Corey Patterson."It is unclear at this point who the Cubs will be able to find to replace Theriot's .000 BA, but a source close to the organization said,"Listen, I'm a 60-year-0ld lifetime smoker who has had two hip-replacement surgeries, a triple bypass AND I am blind in one eye, but I GUARANTEE I could get on base more than (expletive deleted)."
April Fool's or wishful thinking?A little bit of both, I guess.
Actually it was neither. Not only was I piling on The Riot after the FIRST GAME OF THE YEAR, I also wasn't very funny. All Theriot has done this year is hit. He's 6th in the LEAGUE in BA and 10th in OBS. I know most of my hatred was based on his terrible down the stretch numbers in 2007 where he went something like 2 for his last 242 (that's guesstimate...he could have been 3 for 242 for all I know), but I think I should have at least waited for a somewhat larger sample size before banishing him to the Land of Dusty. My bad.
3) DP-Lee
What I said:
April 21st, 2008
D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.
Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far.I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters.Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.
This one is less funny since the numbers actually are going the other way. After that amazing start, he has hit just 10 HR and his batting average has dropped like a rock to .289. Yikes. Even worse is the fact that as of Sunday, DP-Lee leads MLB in the dreaded GIDP category. He also leads all Cubs in 2 important categories:
1) Most ABs resulting in remotes being turned into projectiles. 2) Most games with 0 hits when team scores 10+ runs.
He is also the current owner of the "Guy That Is Killing My Fantasy Team Trophy," which he ripped out the hands of Furcal about 3 months ago. Thanks Derrek. Thanks a heap.
4) Ryan Dempster
What I said:
March 4th, 2008
I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but after the big two (Z and Lilly) there is a lot to be desired about this group of pitchers (and I'm not even going to start on Rich Hill). Am I supposed to believe that I can expect 10+ wins each from a starter/closer/budding stand-up comedian? Really? I shouldn't be worried?
When last we reviewed, the Cubs were in the middle of a slump. Not to put too fine a point on it, but they were basically a steaming bag of goose excrement. Their highest paid player was being booed daily while many people suggested he be benched or sent to the minors (these people were insane, but that's neither here nor there). On May 8th, they stood at an unimpressive 19-15 after struggling through a dismal road trip. With the "red hot" Arizona D-backs coming to town, things weren't looking good.
So what happened?
Well, they beat the snot out of the D-backs over the next 3 days, Soriano started hitting everything he saw out of the park and they proceeded to finish a 10-game home stand 8-2.
So much for the bag of poop analogy. Wow.
Then, as the same "experts" who wrote the Cubs off were now ranking them as the best team in baseball (I'm looking at you, Phil Rogers), the Cubs headed out on another road trip. Not good news since they hadn't won a road series since they beat the Pirates in April. After taking game one, they blew two leads in two days to Fat Elvis and the Astros. Ugh.
So after 47 games, they are now 19-8 at home and 9-11 on the road. 28-19. Pretty good by most standards. Not mine. Since I addressed some positive things this team had going for them last time, I thought I'd address the negatives today. Enjoy.
Two Things About the Cubs That Keep My Up At Night
1) Hitting is Contagious, Unless Your the Cubs
One of the most frustrating things about the Cubs last year was that they NEVER seemed hit as a team. If Aramis was hot, D-Lee was swinging like he had early dinner reservations. When Soriano remembered that actually putting the bat on the ball was key to getting a hit, Jacques Jones was...well, let's just forget about what J-squared was doing.
This year, especially on the road, they are doing the same thing. One or two guys appears to be a professional baseball player while the rest just run up to the plate, take three hacks at balls in the dirt and go sit down. It's possibly the most frustrating thing to watch night after night. Not as frustrating as say...Pinella's obsession with pitching Marmol in consecutive innings, but it's up there.
2) Centerfield Auditions Held Daily! .200 Hitters Preferred, But Not Required.
This is where I wish I could say, "What does (FILL IN BLANK) have to do to earn the everyday starting CF job!" I can't say that right now because the answer to that query is simple...hit the god durn ball!
So how did we get here?
In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.
Sadly, even with all these roster moves, they still had no one who can play center AND hit the ball out of the infield. If the only requirement was to make highlight reel catches, all three would be in virtual dead heat. Unfortunately, fancy catches don't win ball games.
So as this giant hole in lineup continues to get bigger, Hendry can do one of two things. He can either stand pat and take his lumps with Pie and Johnson or he can make an ill-advised deadline deal to get a "veteran" in center. I wonder which he'll do....
I'd suggest preparing yourself now for this from Pat Hughes:
I'm not sure what is more unbelievable, the fact that these catches actually happened or that they both came from members of the Cubs.
Wow.
I'm by no means saying it's time to jump on the Edmonds bandwagon or anything, but it sure feels a lot nicer when he's doing this FOR you instead of TO you, don't you think?
I know it is probably too late to ask you this, but...
We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months.
If you can't find it in your heart to change his mind outright, could you at least just whisper things like "What about Kenny Lofton?" or "You don't want to have to hire a body guard do you?" softly into his Dumbo-sized ears for us?
Thanks.
Yours Truly,
Cubs Fans (all the ones who aren't bat shit crazy at least)
PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.
No, I did not suffer a major head trauma over the weekend (that I can remember) nor am I currently drunk. I am, in fact, dead serious. The 2008 Chicago Cubs MVP is Felix Pie. Yes, that Felix Pie.
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