Off Day Email Extravagaza: Evan Longoria Edition

Subject: JJ Putz Just Murdered My Fantasy Team, Let's Talk Cubs.

J dot:

All right Martin, let's get serious. I need to fixate on the Cubs so I don't consider eating a bullet after seeing Longoria is on the DL with a (expletive deleted) fractured wrist...

It's August 11th, the Cubs have the best record in the NL and a 3.5 game lead in the Central...yet I am not happy. In fact, I am far from happy. Why? Fukudome can't hit, Howry can't throw and the closer "Rambo" gets to 200 innings the less I sleep. Add that to the fact that there is still a good chance we get hit with another injury and/or Marmol starts throwing like it's June again and we (that's the royal 'we') are screwed. Am I insane? Wait, don't answer that. Just talk me off the ledge before I stick my head in the oven.

Yours Truly,

J dot the bitter.

Martin:

Wow. When did you get Chicken Little disease? You know that if an asteroid comes directly towards earth and we can't get Bruce Willis to give up his life so that Liv Tyler can bang Ben Affleck, we're all screwed, right?

You chose the day after the Cubs have won 6 of 7 against the two teams trailing them, a week after they made the Brewers look like Prince Fielder's All-Vegetarian Dump, and watched as Chris Carpenter's arm took one more step towards Dave Dravecky territory?

Let's see...you're worried about the #8 hitter, the 5th best reliever (out of six), and a non-existent injury.

Here are some things that are de-head-in-oven-ifying:
1) The combined records of the teams the Cubs play over the next 15 games is 58 games under .500.
2) According to ESPN, the Cubs' likelihood of making the playoffs is 95%, second only to the Angels, who play in a godawaful division.

Is there anything remotely significant that you can cite as to why are actually worried?. Extra points for not mentioning the words "100 years," "Bartman," or "Goats."

Glass Surprisingly Half-Fullingly,

-m

J dot:

First of all, "godawaful"?

Second. I am not this lady.


I just think that there are some issues with this team that even you can admit exist. First and foremost, I think Alan Trammel is on steroids. He has obviously gone up three hat sizes since the season started. That needs to be addressed...soon. Also, 70's Night was basically rained out. People spent a lot of money at various thrift stores to look like morons on TV. They deserve their time to shine.

Not So Sincerely,

J dot

Martin:

Yes, "godawaful." I decided to write it phonetically so that the Cardinals' fans can read it in their native language.

Now, on to your new questions, which of course are much more concerning than the first set.

I totally agree about Trammel. Someone needs to do something. Are you listening, Congress?

As far as the rainout, I think they can have another 70s night because most of the goons who dressed up thought that tie-dyed shirts and hippies were cool in the 70s. Or maybe they can just have an 80s night so people can get out their leisure suits and disco records. Dumbasses.

Ok, I will admit there are some things that are moderately concerning.

Is Jim Edmonds going to get assassinated by some minion of Elias Coblentz?
Will Alexis Marshall make it back into the booth to promote some charity Cubs-wives' activity? Why was our GM dumb enough to draft a guy with a bad back in the first round?

Wait...scratch that last one. Wrong team.

I think there is very little to worry about with this team, at least as far as the regular season goes. Who knows what can happen after that, but I need to actually enjoy the ride for once. God knows its probably never happening again, regardless of what's on the t-shirts that the douchebag who charged Randy Myers made.

J dot:

Cardinal Fans?

I don't think we have Cardinal fan readers of this blog, but in the off chance that we do...

BATTING THE PITCHER 8TH IS F&%KING DUMB. There I said it. I don't care what that blowhole Joe Morgan says (I think that goes without saying). You're telling me that you would rather have Carpenter batting with a runner in scoring position than say Izturis? Wait. Don't answer that. Better question. Why is Izturis batting 9th? He's not gonna get on. If you firmly believe in this BS about "getting guys on in front of Albert," then maybe think about putting an ACTUAL HITTER IN THE 9 HOLE! Idiot.

Whew. I feel better.

Also, I have no idea who Elias Coblentz is. Just wanted to get in front of that one.

J (to the) dot

Martin:

Of course you know Elias. Maybe you just call him ECob, though. He's this winner:



Wait, you don't like Joe Morgan? What's wrong with Joe Morgan? He was almost accurate last night when he remarked that the Cardinals were only one run away from being "in grand slam range" when they were down 6-0 last night. That's impressively close to being right on the whole counting thing.

As far as the hitting the pitcher eighth thing, what else should Tony LaRussa do? He needs to make sure that he is constantly and ridiculously over-managing so that stupid sportscasters want to deadhorse him when he passes out at the next stoplight. Double switches can only go so far. The guy is known as TLR (LRLRLRLRLRLRLRLR) for a reason.

-m

J dot:

Getting off Tony for a second, cuz I just got off yours...wait, that's not how that joke goes is it? I was just informed by Mrs. J dot that Men's Synchronized Diving is an actual Olympic event. How did that happen?


Martin:
I think it happened when Men's Synchronized Swimming got canned.



Hey, I just realized there's a no hitter going on at The Cell. Hey, no more no hitter at the Cell. That was fun.


J dot:

A) I don't root against the White Sox, that's just petty.
B) You stole my joke.

Martin:

Why in God's name would I root against the White Sox when John Danks is pitching? He's my only non-shitty fantasy player. They're also playing the almost-Yankees, which are probably the most annoying team in baseball.

J dot:

When did we stop talking about the Cubs? Cuz if we've moved let me just add that Jacoby is killing me.

Martin:

See...that's what happens when your favorite team doesn't have much to worry about. You can move on quickly to your crappy fantasy teams.

J dot:

Yeah. Thanks for reminding me about (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Longoria again. I will now walk in front of a bus.

Go Cubs.