Okay, so I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off on Ryan Theriot this year. My bad. Throughout this year, he’s managed to earn my grudging respect (a feat that rates roughly as significant as being able to cross the monkey bars).
But now he’s managed to blow all that goodwill in a matter of two pages on the chicagosports.com website by
filling in for Paul Sullivan in the “ask Paul” section. First of all, the only thing that people should ever do for Paul Sullivan is not steal his Lucky Charms. More importantly, however, is the fact that he put together some pretty boring answers, even for a baseball player. So, in an effort to get back on the Theriot bandwagon, I’m going to supply what should have been the answers to this mailbag and pretend that’s what he actually wrote.
So, on to the questions…
Ryan, Who was the first person to call you "The Riot"? I think it's fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. -- Patrick Blaney, JohnsburgI’m sure that by “everyone,” you mean the guy living across the trailer park from you who totally predicted that Corey Patterson would suck and stuff. And why would it be “fitting?” Do you understand what “fitting” actually means and how to apply it to a situation? Or are you the actual writer of
this song?
As far as rioting after we win the World Series, as long as half the rioters are wearing
this shirt, and the other half are wearing
this shirt, and they manage to kill each other off during the riot, I’m happy.
Ryan, How do you feel about being known as 'The Riot'? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you're one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? -- John M., Silver Spring, Md.Who the hell is editing this? I know the Tribune Corporation is in danger of getting bought out by my neighbors’ lemonade stand, but Jesus, it’s the same damn question. I can’t wait until Mark Cuban buys this team and I don’t have to do promo shit like this.
How would you rate the infield playing surface at Wrigley compared to other parks? Would you welcome a new stadium? -- Dion, Chicago via CincinnatiApparently, you didn’t read the 800,000 articles about the resurfacing of the entire field this winter. You realize that you can have a new playing field without building an entire new stadium around it, right? Finally, if you’re dumb enough to think, in an article read by Cubs fans in a publication owned by the same corporation that is trying to sell the Cubs, that I would write anything other than “Wrigley Field is the greatest architectural achievement since the A Frame and may actually make me a better player as well as a human being,” then you belong in that postseason riot I just mentioned.
Okay…the next three questions are boring. I’m not going to answer them. Moving on…
Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? -- Brian Berns, SpringfieldWow, impressive question. You got a chance to ask a major league baseball player one thing, and you pick one from “The Big Book of Questions.” Very impressive.
My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school's hockey team. I couldn't imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? -- KC Madock, Oak ParkIs there a reason you put the words “pocket rocket” in that question? Did you feel like you had to be more specific because I might think it was the other Mike Fontenot who I played with for the last eight years? Here’s your answer: Mike Fontenot hates having a nickname that doubles as a name of a vibrator. Stop calling him that.
Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, ChicagoLou Piniella is being fellated by Fukudome’s interpreter during his post game interviews. That’s why he takes so long to answer questions. Happy?
Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? -- Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla.See answer to “What game stands out the most.”
What would you be doing for a living if you weren't in baseball? -- Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, ManitobaI’m going to kill my agent for agreeing to this.
Ryan - Some players wear their socks high, and some wear their pants long. If a player decides to switch, do they order shorter pants? Or do they just take their normal pants and somehow scrunch them up? And do players that wear long pants still wear high socks even if you can't see them? Thanks and keep playing hard! -- Kristin Bush, LansingI really wanted to tear into this question, but its so utterly inane and embarrassingly stupid that I’m afraid I’ll be making fun of a person who got hit by a bus and has some sort of debilitating brain damage.
Still…remind me to never, ever go to Lansing.
Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, ChicagoIt is exactly 61.8765% trying to go to the opposite field and 38.1235% taking what the pitchers give me.
Ryan -- I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! -- Wes, Savannah, GaYour cat’s name gets misread at the vet? Thanks for specifying. I was under the impression that the maitre d’ at Topolobampo was just doing it to mess with you two when you shared your thrice yearly romantic dinners. Is it weird or flattering? What the fuck do you think?
Well, that’s it for the questions. I’d say “thanks for writing in,” but I’m pretty sure most people who made it through would have to get their domestic care nurse to help them read the big words. I’ll let Sullivan deal with this garbage from now on. I’m going to go punch the Cubs’ publicist in the nuts.
Posts
To explain-
In one of my other jobs that I put way too much effort into for no money, I am a local musician (see “bullshit wannabe” in the dictionary or just look at a picture of this guy for a reference). Unfortunately, in order to get gigs(or, for some, 12 year old boys) these days, you need a Myspace page. Granted, Myspace is the Betamax to Facebook’s VHS (or HD DVD to Facebook’s Blu-ray, if you want a reference that doesn’t date back to the days when people wore mustaches unironically), but for some reason, a lot of bookers use Myspace to listen to bands' demos. But enough of my sad attempts at rationalization.
I got a friend request from “Ryan Theriot” the other day. Given the undying love for him that I’ve expressed on this blog, I was a little surprised. More surprising was the fact that a major league baseball player with two children would actually spend time on a site that regularly sends you random emails from people you’ve never met asking you if you want a date tonight. But alas, my excitement at being Mr. Theriot’s online BFF was not to be, as it was a site made by someone who was not Ryan Theriot, but felt the need to create a myspace page as if he was Ryan Theriot. Only in the description does the author reluctantly mention “by the way, I’m not actually Ryan Theriot.” This is actually someone who spent the time to create a fictional website for a baseball player they’ve never met, and who probably won’t even be on the team in three years.
This Ryan Theriot doppelganger has a unique view both on the player himself as well as Theriot’s views on life. So let’s take a look at Ryan, shall we?
His slogan is “y’all can’t deny it,” although I’m unaware of what y’all are attempting to deny.
His favorite movie is “The French Connection,” and his favorite musician is “Jerry Reed.” I am utterly perplexed by this. There are three options for why these things are on the page, either (a.) Doppelganger just chose randomly (which makes one wonder why these two were chosen), (b.) Doppelganger decided to superimpose his own musical and cinematic interests onto Ryan Theriot, or (c.) Doppelganger researched Ryan Theriot’s interviews, magazine articles, etc. to find a hint of the movie and/or artist that rocks Theriot’s world (which is just plain creepy). Although I guess the first option poses the least of the indictments of him, none of these three options paint a very pretty picture of Doppelganger.
Even more disturbing than anything written by Doppelganger is the comments written by people on the site. Below is a sampling:
Apr 10 2008 9:10 PM
Great game! Whenever the Bayou Boys are in the line up great things seem to happen!
Apr 6 2008 2:37 PM
GO CUBBIES... GREAT JOB RYAN
Mar 27 2008 7:47 PM
My last name is also theriot (don't you hate it when they say it wrong!?) and the Cubs are my favorite team! So of course your my favorite player.
enjoyed watching you at the cactus and make us theriot's proud! Go Cubs!
Mar 26 2008 5:58 PM
Glad to hear you are batting leadoff this year, Ryan! I always wondered how the post-season might have been different last year if you were our leadoff man.
Do these people really think Ryan Theriot is maintaining a Myspace page? Are they the “y’all” who apparently can’t deny it, whatever it is? Is functional mental illness more prominent on Myspace than I had already assumed it was?
More importantly, this whole virtual world in which people act as if they are (even local) celebrities AND others interact with that person as if he were, in fact, that person takes this obsession with celebrity even further than Klosterman suggested in his piece. It seems as if these people are so starved for a connection to a second-tier baseball player that they’ll settle for a connection to a person sort of pretending to be him.
The society embodied by myspace is so obsessed with celebrity that, in lieu of prostituting yourself out as either a YouTube goon or a “hot amateur couple interested in sharing their lives through their webcam” in order to get your fifteen minutes of cyberfame, people are willing to simply create a virtual world where they are the celebrity they’ve always wanted to be. And others, through either delusion or desperation, are willing to gleefully participate in the farce. Its almost as if there's a group stalking going on and the object of that collective obsession doesn't even have to be present. While probably much less dangerous than, say, that psycho who killed the chick from My Sister Sam, its still one of the billion things that I've seen online that makes me wonder what makes people so odd. Here’s to the internet.
Ed. Note: I found a bunch more "Cubs Player" myspace sites. We'll try to feature one, in all its weirdness, each week. They're waaaay too good individually to all put in one post.