100 Observations about the Cubs (Mostly): Final, Sad Edition

75. These types of lists are a lot easier when the Cubs suck.

76. In other words, these types of lists have been easier every other year of my life.

77. Time zones blow.

78. I'm almost positive that Lou Pinella would rather take a wine bottle corkscrew to his nuts than have to start Jason Marquis one more time, but has to because Sean Marshall is hurt and Keanu Hill is still trying to breathe through his eyeballs.

79. Saw this picture on Desipio, and couldn't help but wonder if Jason decided to take up painting.

80. Over/Under on when Carlos Marmol's right arm secedes from the rest of his body: 20 games.

81. Umm, Kerry? That guy standing up there with two outs and two on in the ninth...his name is Juan Pierre. You might not remember him...he was the guy who grounded out to second base 94% of the time when he was on the Cubs a couple years ago. Maybe you shouldn't treat him like Ty Fucking Cobb up there. You did much better with Matt Kemp.

82. If Ed MacMahon's house is in foreclosure, what chance do the rest of us have? Can't he just pay them with one of those oversized checks that come in the prize van? (Ba-dum-bum)

83. I wish Michael Barrett was still on the team, if only so Z had something to punch.

84.Derrek Lee can come back any time now.

85. The bullpen phone at Dodger Stadium “malfunctioned” on Friday. Carlos Marmol's right arm had no comment.

86. With the 611th pick of the draft, the Cubs picked Jericho Jones. He's a white guy. And he wasn't in a blaxpoitation film in the 1970s. Both of these facts astounded me.

87. I'm at the point where, if Jason Marquis isn't going to throw a shutout, I want him to give up as many runs as humanly possible. And I'm okay with that.

88. Speaking of players I want to see get torched on a regular basis, the name Joba Chamberlain comes to mind. I have no problem with the kid, but when roughly 75% of the baseball stories on espn.com are dedicated to the glory of his first start in the major league (all 3 innings of it), karma needs to step in.

89. If the Cubs went after C.C. Sabathia (as so many are speculating), would he and Z get into a brawl over the postgame spread, or would Daryle Ward just eat them both?

90. Answer before thinking: Cubs promotional shot or screencap of this week's pederast on “To Catch a Predator”:









91. Just some quick math: if the Cubs go 5 games over .500 at home, and 5 games over .500 on the road for the rest of the year, they'll win 94 games. How f'n scary is that?

92. If this were any other year, I would have been ridiculously afraid of typing the above.

93. The pending fight over the sale of the Cubs between Sam Zell and Bud Selig will be almost as fun as watching Selig get slapped all over the Congressional floor.

94. Joe Morgan is an asshat. Yes, everybody knows this already.

95. One last time, for the people who STILL haven't been paying attention: No, the Cubs did not draft Josh Hamilton and trade him to the Reds. They sold the pick without knowing what player the Reds were going to draft. Move on.

96. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the only Cubs fan who is audibly laughing with the report that “The Orioles no longer can get the same deal for Brian Roberts that the Cubs offered during the off-season.” Screw you, MacPhail.

97. It turns out that, under Mark Prior's elbow injury was some other injury “commonly associated with trauma, most likely a fall.” I always knew I hated Marcus Giles' roided up ass.

98. Why did Todd Hollandsworth cut the curly mullet?

99. The remainder of the Cardinals season hinges on the injury status of Todd Wellemeyer. Read that again. And smile.

100. 40-24. Best record in baseball. Damn.

100 Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 4 (Lack of Sleep Edition)

I've been up since 4AM, so I came a few short today. Sorry.

61-74

61. I saw this headline: “Ward's return puts pressure on Edmonds” and thought they were seriously considering Ward in center. Worse, I was OK with it. I think that pretty much sums up my opinion on the Edmonds signing.

62. Sometimes I think “bunting directly back to the pitcher” is a drill that the Cubs actually practice.

63. Every time I see a shot of Fontenot standing next to D-Lee, thousands of short jokes run through my head. Then I remember he gets to play baseball for a living. Then I weep into my pillow.

64. I’m pretty sure that Google was invented just to help me find out answers to Aflac trivia questions.

65. If anyone wants to explain why WGN decided WGN America: TV You Can’t Ignore was a good idea, I’m all ears.

66. I think sending Aramis on a 3-2 pitch is Lou’s way of saying, “I don’t think this inning is going anywhere.”

67. Want a simple and effective way to announce to the world that you are a douche bag? Wear a White Sox jersey to Wrigley when the Sox are not the opponent. Does the trick every time.

68. If you are one of the first 10,000 fans to enter Wrigley and you DON’T have a child with you, I’m pretty sure you need to find better ways to occupy your time.

69. When ESPN decides to give us Chris Berman as the play-by-play man for a nationally televised Cubs game, I can’t help but wonder what we did to piss them off.

70. I think MLB teams are contractually obligated to post 11-8 scores on the bottom line followed by a stat showing a player who is 0-4 on the day.

71. I don’t care if this makes me sound old, but I remember fondly the good old days when I didn’t have to stand up for EVERY 2-strike count.

72. If you fill out the “paper work” at the ballpark just to get a Cubs towel, you are either too lazy to do laundry or you have no idea what the phrase “credit score” means.

73. You know the difference is between Hawk and Santo? Santo still does his job when the Cubs are losing.

74. I’m convinced that Z removes his cap when he points to the sky because he was told as a kid that it isn’t polite to point at Jesus with your hat on.

More to come later tonight!

100 Random Observations About the Cubs: Part 3 (Middle Reliever Edition)

Now that I've arisen from my work-related sabbatical, I figured I'd take a shot at helping Jason with his Top 100 list. Hopefully, I won't be the Michael Wuertz to his Ryan Dempster. So, here are #41-60.

41.The fact that when the Cubs get down a run in the third inning, I don't turn off the TV and say “game over” makes me uncomfortable. In such a good way.

42.Neon green relish is the best kind of relish.

43.Jason Marquis blows. Why hasn't this one made the list yet?

44.On a radio interview, Jim Hendry claimed that Reed Johnson is a great player because “we're 17-7 with him in the lineup,” which reminded me of this:

Homer Simpson: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa Simpson: hat’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

BUT, I didn't drive my car off the road and into a telephone pole due to his sheer stupidity. I'm proud of myself.

45.I went to Thursday night's game, and no one in my section swore loudly, spilled a drink on someone, or generally made a complete ass of themselves. That might be the first time that's ever happened.

46.Only slightly less daunting than understanding molecular physics is understanding why, at Wrigley, 20 oz. Bud Light drafts are $5.75, but CANS of PBR are $6.

47.Jason Isringhausen just went on the DL because he lost a fight with a television, which reminds me how much I enjoy when bad things happen to stupid players who aren't on my team.

48.EVERY FLY BALL THE CUBS HIT IS NOT GOING OUT OF THE BALLPARK. Can we all come to grips with this and stop cheering for 230 ft. pop outs?

49.Mark Prior had yet another setback with the Padres this week. See #47.

50.If Paul Sullivan feels the need to whine about having to do a mailbag every fucking time he writes the column, maybe he should, I don't know, allow someone who actually likes baseball to do his job for him.

51.I figure I should take a moment to point out Jason's #18 in this list. Look at it, then come back here. See? It was worth the laugh.

52. The save is the dumbest stat in baseball next to the RBI. There, I said it.

53.So, does anyone else think that Kosuke Fukudome claiming that he gave his kid a name that means “The Wind” specifically in honor of Chicago is complete bullshit? I thought so too.

54.I'd like to start a campaign to give Daryle Ward the nickname “Stay Puft.”

55.I like Megan Fox. It has nothing to do with baseball. I don't care.

56.Any time Bob Howry wants to remember that he doesn't suck would be great.

57.If Ryan Theriot goes the whole season without remembering that he sucks, that would be great, too.

58.I'd be much happier if I felt like Cubs fans didn't want Jim Edmonds on the team because he sucks, and not because (a.) he was a Cardinal, or (b.) they think he's gay.

59.Bo Jackson broke a bat over his knee. It was cool. It really hasn't been cool since.

60.Jason Marquis still blows. It needed to be written twice.

100 Random Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 2

21. Former Cub Augie Ojeda (3 HR, 31 RBI from 2000-04) gets a standing ovation when he’s announced at Wrigley, while former Cub Jacques Jones (32 HR, 146 RBI from 2006-07) gets booed. I'm OK with that.

22. I would have given one of my testicles to spend a season hanging out with Mark Grace during the “slump-buster” years.

23. I think I’ve finally cracked the code as to what makes a Cubs player “hot” according to my wife. Two words: Chin Stubble.

24. The difference between good and bad seats at Wrigley is directly related to your distance from the bleachers.

25. Steve Stone is flying up the rankings of Chicago Cubs I would most like to kick in the ear.

26. I’m confident enough in my manhood that I can freely admit I’ve gotten stage fright trying to use one of those men’s room troughs. There’s just something unsettling about accidental eye contact when I’m trying to pee.

27. Does anyone even know what a River Rat is? Or why a Cardinal fan would be offended if you call him that? Me either. So stop it.

28. If you ask someone to list their favorite Cubs and Sosa makes the list but not Maddux, you are allowed to elbow them in eye.

29. Does anyone else think Fontenot is getting grooming tips from Mickey Morandini?

30. Dear Fox, we’re all aware that Dempster does a great Harry Caray impersonation. That doesn’t mean we want to see it EVERY time you broadcast a Cubs game. Just thought you should know.

31. They should rename “70’s Night” at Wrigley “Night I Give Away My Tickets.”

32. Daryl Ward’s permanent ear-to-ear grin is proof that there are still good guys playing this game.

33. I assume someone on the Cubs is teaching Fukudome new English words. I just hope that person is Carlos Zambrano.

34. Maybe Soriano wouldn’t strike out so much if he stopped trying to hit the ball with the actual trunk of a redwood tree.

35. I find myself praying “please don’t be corked” every time ANY Cubs player shatters his bat now. I’m pretty sure that’s unhealthy.

36. When the hot dog vendor asks you if you would like condiments, what he’s really asking is, “Would you like to ruin the shirt you're wearing?”

37. If Randy Johnson doesn’t pitch after it rains, how come the Cubs haven't pulled the “rain out trick” from Bull Durham before? This isn’t rocket science people.

38. Many things look better in HD, Lou Pinella is not one of them.

39. You know what the opposite of The Rally Monkey is? Felix Pie.

40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.

21-60 Coming Soon!

100 and Counting...

That's not a typo. The little Cubs blog that could has made it to a milestone...100 Posts! I want to take this opportunity to thank our regular readers (thanks Jeff and Mom!) and all the people who have stopped by now and then to see if we had fallen on our faces yet. It's been a lot of fun.

In honor of this festive occasion, we've decided to do a list (I know, we're nothing if not original).

100 Random Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 1

1. I’ve never listened to Len and Bob’s Podcast and I’m OK with that.

2. I wish I could time my craps like Pat Hughes. You could set your watch to that man's BMs.

3. Geovany Soto is the second coming of…man, we’ve had a lot of shitty catchers over the years.

4. Someone needs to kick Ronnie Woo Woo in the throat (yes, the anger management classes are working, thanks for asking).

5. “If you hate him so much, why do you continue to read his stuff?” is the question the logical part of my brain asks me each time I finish reading a Mariotti column. I wish I had an answer.

6. There’s hell, there’s the 7th circle of hell and then there’s listening to the another worthless guest conductor during the seventh inning stretch. For the love of God, make it stop.

7. I want a championship for Ron Santo so bad it actually hurts.

8. “That ball’s got a chance…gone!” is quickly becoming my favorite home run call.

9. God Damn it Fontenot, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this o'lay bullshit.

10. It’s not officially summer until you hear: “Ladies and gentleman, here to sing ‘Take Me Out to The Ballgame’…the Illinois class 2A Girls Field Hockey Champions!”

11. Every time I’m flipping channels and I come across Chicago Tribune Live on Comcast SportsNet, I die a little inside. (I know, let’s put GIANT pictures of the sports page behind us! That will really class up this broadcast!)

12. I can’t explain it, but I really get a kick out of Pat Hughes describing the uniforms. It’s so old-timey!

13. You know what the difference is between a good Cubs game and a bad one? Rich Hill. (Zing!)

14. I found out recently that there’s a drinking game where you do a shot ever time Zambrano adjusts himself on the mound. How has no one died playing this yet?

15. I wish I could have been in the meeting when the Comcast execs came up with the “Let’s have a bulldog as a mascot!” idea. If that was the big winner, how bad where the rest of the ideas?

16. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you notice that they haven't put up a new number on one of the games on the out-of-town scoreboard in long time and then you suddenly realize you’ve got the pitcher on your fantasy team. Ruins my day every time.

17. I always see the foam claw vendor, but I never actually see any foam claws in the stands. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

18. Finding out that Corey Patterson was the worst lead off hitter in the majors this year made me smile. Then I thought, how could he be worse than Soriano? Then I cried.

19. In my opinion, the jersey t-shirt may be the greatest invention since squeezable ketchup bottles. If only they had been around when I thought it was a wise investment to spend 90 bucks on a f*#king Corey Patterson jersey.

20. I haven’t heard a lot of “F#*k You Dome” jokes so far this year. Maybe that’s because I haven’t sat in the bleachers yet.

21-40 Coming Soon!