Even Cubs Fans Don't Deserve This...

(via bestweekever.tv)

Making this poor kid a Cubs fan is punishment enough. Letting Chris Brown hold him gets you a visit from Child Protective Services. Put the kid down, Chris. Put the kid down and back away slowly.

Go Cubs.

Go Sit In the Corner and Think About What You Did

So I had planned on posting about how amazingly moronic and predictable EVERY article about the Bradley signing was today. If you were smarter than me (chances are good) and ignored these piles of warm dung, let me tell you, they were...what's the opposite of earth-shattering? Earth-mending? Earth-fixing? Basically they were about normal.

1) He's been suspended before and has a temper.
You're kidding!

2) He is injury prone.
Get out of here, really?

3) Mark DeRosa will be missed.
Wow, your insight is unmatched!

4) He's not Jake Peavy.
Are you sure? Better double check.

Basically, it was just the same article written by 10 different columnists using 5 different puns for headlines.

As I prepared to use my unrivaled fan base to run some more sports "writers" out of town (I'm looking at you, Haugh), Martin came across something on CBSSportsline or CBSSports or whatever the hell they are calling themselves these days that literally blew my mind. Now, I know it is a little early in 2009 to be declaring anyone the Biggest Moron of the Year, but if someone beats this dude, well hats off to him.

Fix this team: Chicago Cubs/ Orioles/Giants

by

The Contrarian

(BTW, I wish I was embellishing any of this, including that name, but I'm not. Someone wrote this down and posted it on the interwebs. Apologies to Bad Kermit for stealing the style for this post from HJE's always amazing Muskbag posts.)

I'm tired of hearing that the Cubs are close. It's time to get rid of the old contracts and build around Rich Harden and Carlos Zambrano with defense, hustle and enthusiasm. Call it the Ryan Theriot / Mike Fontenot era.

(OK, here's the thing, a know a sane person would stop right there and go bang his head against the wall for an hour. I am not that person.)

Let's dive right in...

So that's what this team was missing...enthusiasm! Here I was thinking it was guys who could hit, field and pitch in the postseason. Also, I had my lawyer file an injunction to prevent anything from ever being called the "Ryan Theriot/Mike Fontenot Era." You're welcome.

1st I love the acquisition of Joey Gathwright.

Let that one sink in. The Gathwright signing is what he OPENED with.

He's actually hit at every level he's been used at. I mean 3 AB's per game not just as a pinch-runner and defensive replacement. He also had very good numbers for assists in the minors.

Good to know he could throw out guys with minor league speed. World Series, here we come!

He'll never hit for power but start him. While he's starting think about how Bobby Dernier changed the cubs.

I thought about it, then I cried a little bit.

2nd Its time for the 3 Amigos to move on.

Look it's a 20-year-old movie reference!

Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee and Alfonzo Soriano are the big name big dollar guys that have actually forced me to watch the hustling Tampa Rays instead of the swing for the fences and miss Cubs. I'd move all 3.

I'm thinking what "forced" you to watch the hustling Rays may have been related to the Cubs forgetting to win a playoff game.

I'd send Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, while eating a portion of those contracts, to Baltimore. Brian Roberts ? No thanks. More big money. Nice Player but so are Fontenot and Theriot. Let's keep those guys hustling.

What's your deal with all the hustling? This isn't soccer. Better question, we're paying them to take our two of our best players? That's nice of us.

Lee and Ramirez to Baltimore for A bag of magic beans works for me, but I'd rather have 4 prospects/ suspects.

I'm on the fence with this magic beans vs. players debate, but I have to say, I'm leaning towards the beans. I mean, they are magic beans.

1. Little Lefty Troy Patton who could fit nicely between the big righties and become the next Jamie Moyer. Patton is 23.

The next Jamie Moyer? I'm sold.

2. 3B Tyler Henson, who strikes out too much but has power and speed potential. He's 21.

So you traded Aramis, who has decent plate discipline and drives in a ton of runs, for an unproven 21-year-old who strikes out but can run really fast? Can't see a flaw in that logic. Go on...

3. LF Luis Montanez, a former Cub Farm hand who it seemed to click for last season at Bowie. He's 27 and finally had a break out year.

A former Cub minor leaguer! You had me at former.

4. and AA Right Hand starter - the big name- Chris Tillman, only 20, Tillman dominated at Bowie last year. Going 11-4 with 154 k's.

So we traded BOTH corner infielders for a potentially great pitcher and some young kids who love the hustle. I can feel the enthusiasm, can you?

Baltimore signed Isturiz to play SS next to Roberts, They have Left Handed Power in Scott, Markakis, and Huff, a good looking young kid in Adam Jones in CF, but they have an aging 3B in Melvin Mora and no one at 1st base. If Matt Weiters is what they think he is - Lee and Ramirez in the cozy Camden Yards (I've been to Wrigley and Camden Yards are the better hitters park) is a good fit.

I know the name is confusing, but it's just the one yard.

They have young pitching in Liz, Olson, Guthrie, Burres, and rookies Matusz and Hernandez. So giving up some kids is do-able and it clears space and helps the cubs long term.

At 1b - I'd look hard at Tampa Bay's Eric Hinske as a short-term and possibly surprising long term replacement.

I hope to God there are two Eric Hinskes.

Hinkse grew up a cub fan. Started his career in the cubs minor league system and brings a solid left-handed bat to battle it out with Micah Hoffpair. Hinske can play 4 spots.

FOUR positions??? Is he counting DH 3 times?

At 3B - The short term place holder should be Ty Wiggington an under-rated RH power bat.

If Ty's rating is "lacks a pulse" then he's underrated. If it's anything above that, I think he's rated perfectly.

Josh Vitters eventually takes the role but Wiggington can play baseball and 5 positions. Hinske can play here too, against Righties.

Is Righties an actual person or is he speaking of right-handed pitchers in general?

At 2B - Fontenot Both Backed by DeRosa

Trouble with math again. While he does have the heart and hustle of men twice his size, he is in fact just one dude. Sad but true.

At SS - Theriot With Ronny Cedeno back

In CF - Gathwright With Reed Johnson in Reserve

In LF - Montanez With DeRosa in Reserve

So on this fictitious team, DeRo doesn't even start? The most consistent hitter, a guy with decent power and high RBI potential is now a backup? Head hurting...

Which brings me to my next cap clearing trade Rafeal Soriano, can go to a team more tolerant of players that can't touch a curve ball.

I'd try and trade him to a team that knows his actual name.

I'm thinking mutual salary dump here- Soriano and Fukudome to San Francisco for Barry Zito and Nate Schierholtz.

That is not a typo. He thought that, nodded to himself and then typed it. "Rafeal" Soriano and Fukudome for Barry FUCKING Zito (he had his legally changed, I believe) and Schierholtz. I don't have the words to describe how stupid that idea is. I just don't.

Sure Zito took some raps but he started out 0-8 and finished with 4 quality starts in 5 games.

Damn critics. Don't they know that winning is overrated?

With Lincecum, Lowry, Cain, Sanchez as the big four the Giants can afford this. Schierholtz could be a future all-star but Soriano and Fukudome already are and Fukudome's Japanese Heritage would play well in San Fran.

Brilliant. The Giants would totally take on Soriano's monster contract and Fukudome solely based on the fact that Fuku is from Japan. Most trades are actually based on where a person was born. It's a fact. Look it up.

In RF - Schierholtz

Catching - Soto. And Koyie Hill.

Wait, why aren't we trading Soto too? No one has a bunch of hustling 22-year-olds they don't want?

Zambrano, Zito, Harden, Ted Lilly and Ryan Dempster make a very expensive Starting Rotation and they also leave Rich Hill and Jason Marquis to move for prospects.

If you take off the "for prospects" at the end of that sentence, it actually works for me.

The Bullpen. Gosh I wish they'd have kept Kerry Wood -

Fiddlesticks, I agree.

but Guzman, Samardzija, Marmol and Gregg from the Right Side all have closer potential. Gaudin is solid in the middle.

and Cotts, and Sean Marshall man the Left Side.

So the Lineup is -

I would advise against reading this next section on a full stomach. Don't say I didn't warn you.

1. CF Joey Gathwright - the next Willie Wilson/ Bobby Dernier

2. SS Theriot

3. RF Schierholz

4. C Soto

5. 1B Hinske / Hoffpair

6. 3B Wiggington

7. LF Montanez or DeRosa

8. 2B Fontenot

Wow. I would comment here, but he's not Dunn (you love it) with the awesomeness yet.

If Free Agent Adam Dunn comes cheap enough he could play RF with Montanez moving to the bench.

Yep. Because, when you are trying to build on defense, enthusiasm and hustle, the name Adam Dunn should be at the top of your list.

But we added speed in CF, kept the defense strong up the middle, added Left Handed power, reduced the clutch strike outs by moving Soriano, added another veteran lefty who has a much different arm angle than Ted Lilly. Kept a youthful bullpen in place. and Added - potential future rotation pieces in Patton and Tillman and a potential future stick in Henson. Not too mention getting younger with Schierholtz, Montanez, Gathwright representing the future core with Hoffpair and Vetters and Soto.

The lack of any type of logic whatsoever in that paragraph makes my physically ill. Maybe this is a all just huge joke. Let's just move on.

Marquis would move to the Rockies or Mets.

He would have to, there is no room for him in this awe-inspiring rotation and his arm angle is too similar to Ted Lilly's.

Hill would be a nice addition with the Yankees.

Yes he would. If we do none of the stuff this guy suggests (and god-willing we won't), we MUST do this one. I'll even pitch in on his plane ticket.

Maybe you'd move Cedeno, a reliever, and Reed Johnson or Felix Pie for the right bag of prospects.

Replace "prospects" with "balls" and you might have some takers.

But this team would be capable of winning, fun to watch, and capable of sustaining winning with guys like Pie (who I think strikes out too much), Colvin, Henson, Vetters, Tillman and Patton coming on.

Yeah, let's make sure we keep Pie in all this. He hustles too much to let go.

It also leaves Zito and Lilly as lefties over 30 and puts a lineup in place with only Wiggington at 3rd over 30 at 31.

Youth before talent. That's how you build a consistent winner.

The bench is veteran and flexible with Hinske at 3B/1b/RF/LF, DeRosa- if not starting- capable at SS, 3B, 1b, LF and RF, Reed Johnson who can play all 3 outfield positions, Ronnie Cedeno in the middle of the Infield and Koyie Hill as the back-up catcher.

I hope Reed Johnson likes to run, because unless we can convince the other team to only hit the ball directly to Hinske, there will be a whole lot of balls rolling all the way to the ivy.

It moves 6 players over 30, by leaving Daryle Ward off the roster and moving Fukudome, Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez and confirming that Jason Marquis is expendable.

No Daryle Ward! Have you know soul, sir?

It also puts players behind the oldest parts of the roster and makes future moves, like trading Ted Lilly, a long term possibility but not a necessity.

Arm angle, shmarm angle, we need more young hustlers!

This team contends - for a long time.

No, no they don't.

Wow.

Go Cubs.

I Blame All the Lead-based Toys You Chewed On As a Kid

Dear Cubs Fan Who Ruins it for Everyone,

I hate you. I hate you and all those like you.

Go home and high-five your moronic friends as you shotgun Old Style tall boys and leave the rest of us in peace. You aren't funny. You're pathetic. Bite me. You know, there is a reason why Sox fans hate the Cubs...it's you. Tell me, loyal Cubs fan, why do you give a shit if the White Sox make the playoffs or not? Are you afraid to share the spotlight? Do you think our postseason will be any less special if the Sox join the party? How can you have such an huge inferiority complex in a city that is so obviously pro-Cubs? Sorry, that's a lot of questions in a row there, I don't want your tiny brain to explode.

Maybe you've forgotten, you knuckle-dragging cretin, that your Cubs haven't been to the playoffs in back to back years in a long, long time. Enjoy it while you can. Bask in the glow of this amazing season. Cheer them on as they test themselves against possible playoff opponents over the next few days. Pretend to have a little fun!

Openly rooting for the White Sox to lose doesn't make you any more of a Cubs fan than that nameless jersey you bought at Target, you schmuck. Giggling uncontrollably every time something goes wrong for them just further emphasizes what a sad, sad little man you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should cheer for the White Sox. I'm just saying that you shouldn't care. You're a Cubs fan (or more likely one of your douche bag friends is a fan so you jumped on the bandwagon too) so stick with that.

The Cubs made the playoffs. They're in. Can't you just be a fan of baseball for one night? Can't you just count your blessing that the Cubs aren't in the White Sox shoes at this point? You remember what that's like, don't you? No, what am I saying...you don't, do you? You weren't a fan in 1998, suffering with every pitch, every swing of the bat. You were probably a Yankees fan that year, turd.

What is wrong with you? Didn't you get enough attention as a child? Were you dropped on your head? Repeatedly? The Cubs won a dramatic game last night. Were you watching or were you glued to the Sox game hoping to see them lose again? Don't answer that. I know the answer. We all do.

You're not a Cubs fan. You never will be. And if by some miracle this team does the impossible (knocking furiously on wood) this fall and you're outside Wrigley during the celebration, keep an eye out for me. I'll be easy to spot. I'll be the one kicking you in the nuts.

Yours always,

J dot.

Whew. Ok, now I feel better. Sorry.

Go Cubs.

Drunken Idiots Dealt a Setback

For those of you who know me, there is one thing that worries me during the postseason more than terrible managers, suspect defense and Bob Howry...idiot fans. Seriously. I know it's dumb, but I spend more time obsessing about over-turned cars, broken windows and the general douchebag-ery that goes on after the smallest Cubs victories, that the idea of this team going deep in the playoffs gives me hives. I actually pray for clinching on the road at times. Sad, but true.

This is just is one of a hundred ridiculous Cub-related things that I have no control over, yet continue to let bother me every waking hour of the day. That's why this article in the Sun-Times gave my a moment of peace for at least 30 seconds.

No beer in Wrigleyville: A seventh inning stretch?

Bars and restaurants around Wrigley Field will be asked to stop serving alcohol after the seventh-inning stretch -- just as they do inside the ballpark -- to prevent Cubs playoff celebrations from turning ugly.

Ray Orozco, executive director of the city's Office of Emergency Management and Communications, said the proposed seventh-inning cutoff -- discussed at a playoff security meeting Monday -- would occur "only if it's a clinch game." Liquor sales could resume once the game is over, he said.

Sounds like a plan. I know that one less hour of drinking wouldn't make a lick of difference for most of the drunken masses, but maybe...just maybe, it keeps some guy from turning to his buddy and saying, "You know would be cool? Let's set the bleachers on fire!"

Just saying.

Go Cubs

Once is a Fluke. Twice is a Problem.

I did it again.

For those of you who don't have the pleasure (yet) of following my random thoughts on Twitter, let me explain. After the Cubs neglected to score in the bottom of the 8th of today's game, I turned it off.

"Screw Smarj and whoever the hell that guy is who pitched after him," I yelled to no one in particular.

As a refresher, I am also the idiot who saw the Cubs were well in front on Sunday and decided Generation Kill was a better option than the first no-no in in my lifetime. So, obviously I had history on my side.

To be honest, I had better things to do then to listen to the final outs of a frustrating game that they should have won. I mean, my status on Facebook isn't gonna update itself people!

So when my lovely bride sent me a text around 4:45 today saying, "I wish I was at this game!" I knew I was in trouble.

Thankfully, I had just turned down my volume on the only good investment I have ever made, MLB Gameday Audio. As I turned it back up, Soto flew out to the wall in the 11th, followed by a dreadful start to the top of the 12th. Runners on, Kerry on fumes. Not good times.

So I made a choice. I made the only choice a totally neurotic, overly-obsessed, semi-OCD Cubs fan could make.

I closed out of the broadcast and waited, knowing full well what was at stake.

If the Cubs lost, the impact on I have on wins and losses by watching/listening was negligible at best.

But if they got out of that 12th inning jam and then managed to win...fuck.

We all know the result.

I'm screwed.

Go Cubs.

Sports Fans and the Guy Who Hates Them

In case anyone cares, I DO have the Cubs game on at the bar today. Thank the lord for small miracles. Unfortunately, I don’t have sound thanks to the sudden appearance of 2 billion Louisville fans.

I realize that I have been complaining about fans of college basketball the last few posts, so I wanted to mention that I do love college basketball. But with it being a “down” decade or so for my Missouri Tigers and the only other team I actually follow being just a hair above “so bad it hurts to watch” (I’m looking at you, Illinois), I’ve had a bit of disconnect with this year’s teams. However, what I am fully connected to, mostly because of my drinking problem, is fans in sports bars. 90% of them are annoying on a level that makes me wonder how they function outside the sports bar crowd at all. Some of my “favorites.”

Read More...

The Over Clapper Guy
Look, I understand, you LOVE anything Poly Tech does. It’s a given. But clapping for EVERY play is a tad excessive. Clapping should be reserved for high-flying dunks, hand-in-the-face threes, game-tying buckets and timeouts. That’s it. That’s the list. Clapping for every near steal, free throw made (or missed), good pass, 24 second violation or other random event on the court does not need your hand-related enthusiasm. So stop it.

The Someone’s a Big Fan of the Team Store Guy
Here’s the deal. In my humble opinion, you can never own enough team gear. Hats, jackets, shirts, sweaters, figurines, whatever. Problem is, you don’t get to wear it all at once. Rule of thumb. If you look in the mirror and count more than 2 items on your body that show your allegiance, that’s about two too many. A simple shirt or hat does the trick. No one is going to look at you in your team-colored Zoobaz, matching hip pack, sweatshirt, hat and button and think, “Now that guy’s a fan!” What they will think is, “Now that guy’s an embarrassment to himself and those around him.” Moderation, friends. Moderation.

The What Do You Mean the Bar Doesn’t Double As a Day Care Center?…Guy
I get it. The wife let you go out to watch the big game with one caveat, you have to take care of the kid. The problem is, he’s four and he’s kind of an asshole. That doesn’t give you the right, however, to basically make him community property. We’re all here to watch a game or three, not become surrogate parents to your kid. Simply giving him a dollar for Golden Tee is in fact, not what we call parenting. All we ask is that you try to keep him near you and relatively quiet. His constant screaming, chair-kicking and running around like a nut job may fly at home, but at the bar, he’s one wrong move from a misplaced elbow or knee. You’ve been warned.

That’s it for now. Yes, I’m bitter. But, when you spend half your life at sports bars, things start to drive you bat fucking crazy.
Feel free to leave your own “favorites” in the comments.
CUBS RELATED: DeRosa back in Mesa makes me smile. So does another Pie homer. Neal Cotts, however, needs a trip behind the woodshed. Or his papers.

Go Cubs.

We Fukudome in your...

So the boys and I have been talking about the Cubs, Wrigley and basically watching baseball live. Apparently, there are a TON of things we don't like when watching a game at the house that Santo built. In no particular order:

1) Standing Up to Get Your Beers
There is no way that your pants are that tight that you can't lean on one cheek (sp?). You can access the money, whether you are still keep the goods in your back pocket or grab it out of your front pocket, without having to go vertical. You're blocking our view. Quit it.

2) Super Negative Fans
We get it. The Cubs suck. Individually and as a team. Is there any way the rest of us can enjoy the game without you repeatedly pointing out that Theriot's OBP is below .300? Just asking.

3. You With the Cell Phone
I'm on TV? No way! Really! OMG! Can you see me still? I'm standing up now. Wave? I am waving.

4. Murphy's

5. White Sox Suck v. Cardinals Take it in the Pujols T-shirts
We get it. You're Cubs fans. You both lose.

(Also receiving votes: Drunks Chicks Dig Me and Shut Up and Drink Your Beer)

6. Meet Me at the Harry Caray Statue
Good god people, there are a hundred better meeting places around the stadium. I hate to give away a secret here, but...Taco Bell.

7. Banks, Santo, Dawson, Grace, Williams, Jenkins and Ryno
Those are the jerseys you can wear. Brian McRae was great and all, but if he ain't on the field and he ain't on this list. Stop it.

7a. Stop putting your last name on a jersey.
It confuses us for two minutes, then it makes us mad when we realize that no one named Kronewitter has ever been a Cub.

8. Souvenir Guy
Move idiot. Hawk your bear claw somewhere else.

9. Moo
Yes, we are all waiting in a big line in the bathroom. Yes, we seem like cattle. No, you shouldn't make the joke.

9a. River Rat is not funny. Ever.

10. Left field sucks. Right field sucks. Lets be adults here, you all suck. Shut up and drink your beer.

Oops.

Feel free to add your own in the comments!

More tomorrow.

Go Cubs.