I Blame All the Lead-based Toys You Chewed On As a Kid

Dear Cubs Fan Who Ruins it for Everyone,

I hate you. I hate you and all those like you.

Go home and high-five your moronic friends as you shotgun Old Style tall boys and leave the rest of us in peace. You aren't funny. You're pathetic. Bite me. You know, there is a reason why Sox fans hate the Cubs...it's you. Tell me, loyal Cubs fan, why do you give a shit if the White Sox make the playoffs or not? Are you afraid to share the spotlight? Do you think our postseason will be any less special if the Sox join the party? How can you have such an huge inferiority complex in a city that is so obviously pro-Cubs? Sorry, that's a lot of questions in a row there, I don't want your tiny brain to explode.

Maybe you've forgotten, you knuckle-dragging cretin, that your Cubs haven't been to the playoffs in back to back years in a long, long time. Enjoy it while you can. Bask in the glow of this amazing season. Cheer them on as they test themselves against possible playoff opponents over the next few days. Pretend to have a little fun!

Openly rooting for the White Sox to lose doesn't make you any more of a Cubs fan than that nameless jersey you bought at Target, you schmuck. Giggling uncontrollably every time something goes wrong for them just further emphasizes what a sad, sad little man you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should cheer for the White Sox. I'm just saying that you shouldn't care. You're a Cubs fan (or more likely one of your douche bag friends is a fan so you jumped on the bandwagon too) so stick with that.

The Cubs made the playoffs. They're in. Can't you just be a fan of baseball for one night? Can't you just count your blessing that the Cubs aren't in the White Sox shoes at this point? You remember what that's like, don't you? No, what am I saying...you don't, do you? You weren't a fan in 1998, suffering with every pitch, every swing of the bat. You were probably a Yankees fan that year, turd.

What is wrong with you? Didn't you get enough attention as a child? Were you dropped on your head? Repeatedly? The Cubs won a dramatic game last night. Were you watching or were you glued to the Sox game hoping to see them lose again? Don't answer that. I know the answer. We all do.

You're not a Cubs fan. You never will be. And if by some miracle this team does the impossible (knocking furiously on wood) this fall and you're outside Wrigley during the celebration, keep an eye out for me. I'll be easy to spot. I'll be the one kicking you in the nuts.

Yours always,

J dot.

Whew. Ok, now I feel better. Sorry.

Go Cubs.