Spring Training 2011: The Return of Reed

It's been a long time...

Pitchers and catchers have reported to Arizona. Does it feel as good reading those words as it did to type them?

Seems like the perfect time to dust off the blog for 2011 and share a few of the pictures Martin sent me from Arizona.

Warms the heart to see the boys in blue back on the field (and makes me a tad angry that I decided not to go this year).

Enjoy.

Go Cubs.

PS. Since I'm not there, I have no idea who is in any of these pics. Maybe we'll all get lucky and Martin will add some captions later. Maybe.

Hope Springs...

Opening Day arrives. The slate is clean. For a fleeting moment, we can at least hope that Jim didn't totally FUBAR this team. Good times.

Go Cubs!

My No Spring Training, Spring Training

While J wasn’t able to make it down here to AZ this week, I’ve been here since last Friday. I had the week off and need just about zero reasons to get the hell out of Chicago in February. Even if that meant spending most of the week here in Arizona by myself.

Since pitchers and catchers didn’t officially arrive until Wednesday, I didn’t think hanging out at the “bend over, this probably won’t hurt too much” Cubs Souvenir Shop was worth the drive to Mesa. Unfortunately, this means I haven’t spent a whole lot of time (read: none whatsoever) watching the Cubs throw warm up tosses. I drove past Fitch Park on Wednesday, saw my fair share of creepy adult male autograph seekers, and drove on. I’m going to try and catch some of Friday morning’s practice. At the very least, I’d like to get a chance to touch the hand of Rudy Jaramillo and immediately become a Major League .350 hitter. After all, the Cubs have never overstated the impact of a relatively insignificant offseason move, right?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyway…

Even though I’ve been busy doing other things (insert self-serving and Bill Simmons-esque comment about writing a book here) while I’m down here, that’s not to say that there have been no Cubs- or sports-related events to fill a lazy blog post. I’m certain there’s enough to put together a disjointed set of stories about stuff that’s happened down here in Arizona this week. I’m sure that this post will be at least as interesting as every Paul Sullivan puff piece about how “the chemistry is just so much better this year!”

On to the week-in-review…

• On the first day I was here, I managed to see three non-celebrity celebrities: Tom Gorzelanny (slamming a double-double at Inn-n-Out), Bob Davie (out walking with his clone, err, son) and, inexplicably, Matthew Lillard, who apparently was attending some family reunion at the local Marriott. For those wondering who the hell Matthew Lillard is: the only reason I was able to find out his real name was by immediately Googling “Scooby Doo Movie Shaggy.” Do the same and you’ll know who I’m talking about.

• Fun Fact about Matthew Lillard: He’ll be starring in a movie called “Agent 19” this year. The other stars? Geena Davis and Rosie Perez. Apparently Jamie Kennedy and Rae Dawn Chong were unavailable.

• Two years ago, it was “Kobe versus Shaq, Shaq versus Kobe,” last year it was “It’s the All Star Game: Let’s Hope Nobody Gets Shot." This year, the Phoenix scene couldn’t get enough of “Amare! Will they or won’t they?” I never thought I could care about NBA basketball, but just being down here (where the Suns are to Phoenix like the Bears are to Chicago) and immersed in it made me interested. Not enough to actually subject myself to watch an actual NBA game, of course.

• Tasti D-Lite has come to Scottsdale. Just plain awesome. I’m pretty sure that the benefit of 90 calorie ice cream cups is mitigated by the fact that I ate about 700 of them.

• Sociological Epiphany of the Week: If you’re white, male, between 28-40 and dressed decently, you can pretty much get away with anything. While I’m sure every non-white person reading this right now is saying “no shit, loser,” let me backtrack: this wasn’t so much of an epiphany as simply a series of situations this week in which this fact was made abundantly clear. I’ve spent pretty much every day crashing pools and gyms at much nicer hotels than the one I’m staying at. Not once have I been stopped, asked to show my room key, or questioned whatsoever. Now, after writing this, I’m sure I’ll be writing a post tomorrow from the security office at the Phoenecian.

• My hotel is very close to the TPC Scottsdale, where the Phoenix Open will be held next week. They’ve changed the named to the “Waste Management Open.” Seriously. The Waste Management Open. I don’t even have a joke here. Not even a stupid Tiger-related one.

• While the majority of the week was decidedly sans-Cubs, there was one Cubs-related incident that was noteworthy. I’m simply going to copy-and-paste the email I sent to J.Dot on Wednesday. Here goes:

I was at a gas station about a mile and a half from HoHo Kam today. As I finished filling up, some ridiculous salesman came up to me (with a weird, chubby "assistant") to try and sell me on some car cleaner "endorsed by NASCAR!" He showed me all the ways in which this cleaner would be great for the car I was driving. I waited for him to finish his sales pitch before I told him that the car I was filling up was a rental and I didn't need car cleaner. That didn't stop him; he continued his sales pitch unabated for another 2-3 minutes before I just had to say "enough-I said no." The guy shook my hand and thanked me while still getting one more pitch in. It was exhausting.

As he finished, Ted Lilly began filling up his SUV at the station next to mine. The guy moved away from me as quickly as possible, dragging the chubby assistant to Lilly's car, readying his relentless sales pitch. Before the salesman said a word, Lilly looked at him. Stared at him for about 2 seconds and said not a word.

The salesman walked away without a single sentence.


That salesman recognized.

-------
And that just about sums up my non-Cubs-Spring-Training Week at Cubs Spring Training. Given my expectations for the Cubs this year, maybe not seeing them in person is for the best: there’s only so many times you can sit through Spring Training practice, talk yourself into this team during the following four weeks, then get kicked in the crotch over the next 162 games.


So there’s that.


Hooray?

Spring Training? Pfft.

Around a year ago at this time, Martin and I were sitting in the cool grass of the Chicago Cubs practice facility in Mesa, smiling and exchanging "how great is this?" looks. It was the beginning days of Spring Training 2009. Hope springs eternal, as they say.

All around us, players from every level of the Cubs organization played catch, ran the bases and took batting practice as a few hundred fans quietly looked on. We sat there that morning, as we did every morning that week, just in awe of how great it was to be around our favorite team as they prepared for another season. It's a feeling that every Cubs fan should experience once in their lives. It's called "joy." Forget the expectations and the heartbreak. Forget the broken promises and the bad offseason moves. It's grown men playing a game we all love and it's flippin' awesome to be around it, even for a few days.

Or is it?

Thanks to some things out of my control, I will not be making the trip to Arizona this year to bask in the glory of another season's first baby steps. And you know what? I'm glad I'm not going. It's awful. Confused? Good.

Here's the thing. I DO want to be there...more than I probably let on. In fact, I'd sell half the stuff I own to finance the trip if it wasn't for Mrs. J dot's silly "You Can't Sell Half You Own to Finance the Trip" rule (she has very specific rules, I know). The reality is that I can't go and it sucks. So, in order to make myself feel better about not being able to go to wonderful place described in the paragraph above, I have decided to focus on why being at Cubs Spring Training blows.

Brilliant, eh? Let's do this.

Five Reasons Spring Training "Stinks"

1) Despite being a giant desert, Arizona ain't all that warm in February.

I know what your thinking, "But J dot, it's currently 27 degrees in Chicago and the high this week isn't going north of 35, how can you complain about the weather in AZ?" First off, that's a very long question. Second off, cuz I said so. 70 degrees may sound warm when you are digging your car our of two feet of snow, but when you are there, it's downright nippy. I had to wear a jacket to each day's practice...a JACKET! I mean, it was a windbreaker and I was wearing shorts and flip-flops with said jacket, but still. Brrrrr!

2) Bunting drills aren't nearly as exciting as they sound.

Ever see a pitcher bunt in a game? Pretty awful right? Ever see him do it over and over for five days? Yeah, thought so. To make matters worse, when you get to watch them PRACTICE bunting for a week, it makes it one billion times more annoying when they whiff in a REAL game. Trust me.

3) It's socially frowned upon to drink before noon, so no beer with your baseball (drills).

They DO sell it at the practice facility, however, when the line is full of 70-year-0ld retirees getting a cup of joe or hot chocolate (see #1), you feel like you're being filmed for an installment of A&E's Intervention when you place your order. In interest of full disclosure, I only know this because I have in fact bought a beer at 10 AM under the "it's noon somewhere rule." Only one, I swear. The white-haired lady behind the counter shook her head at me and (probably) muttered a prayer about my soul as she cracked my Bud tallboy. Not good times.

4) They only practice until noon, so you have to fill the rest of your day with drinking in a hot tub and/or golfing.

OK, that's a bad example. Scratch that one. Let's try again.

4) The amount of douchey ball "hawks" and autograph seekers.

They are everywhere down there...stealing foul balls from kids (and bragging about it), screaming at players to sign their 8x10 glossies and just generally sucking all the fun out of life. Tons of fat dudes with mustaches sporting fanny packs stuffed with things they need signed for their "kids." If you are able to go three days around these asshats and not begin planning an elaborate murder involving a poisoned hot dog, a bag of lye, a shovel and a trip into the desert, than you're a better man than me.

5) Hope

It happens. Stupid hope.

Go Cubs.

PS. If after reading all the bad things about spring training, you still want to go, our friends over at College of Idiots have got you covered.

Can Spring Training Go On Without Us?

Sad news four (probably less than that now) readers, after two years of bringing you the very best of the Cubs wind sprints and fielding drills LIVE from Mesa, it appears very likely that half of our crack reporting team won't be making the trip this year.

This begs the question, if the pitchers and catchers report and FOTG isn't there to make fun of it, did it really happen?

Tune in tomorrow to find out why...

Go Cubs.

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

First, an apology to my four readers (if you're still checking the site) for my absence over the past couple of weeks. I have been shirking my (nearly) once a week posting responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I could make up some elaborate story involving a South American drug cartel and an exchange that went bad, but I respect you all too much for that. Truthfully, I was lazy and the Cubs were (mostly) playing like poop. Apart from the Cardinal series, which every Cubs fan is contractually obligated to watch, I really wasn't even watching them play that much for fear of a remote control becoming lodged in my nice TV.

So when I left on a trip to to Bar Harbor last week for some R&R and my brother's wedding, I wasn't that concerned that I would be unable to see my beloved team play. In fact, I was relishing the chance to hear nothing about them for nearly a week.

I learned a lot about the Cubs (among other things) during my trip and I thought I might share them with you.

1) Vacationing with Cubs fans makes ignoring them impossible.

Of the 100 people at the wedding, I would guess that nearly half were from Chicago and 90% of those were Cubs fans. That meant no matter where I went last week, the Cubs were there with me. At the bar, someone was always telling me the score. At the pool, someone always wanted to discuss last night's game. At the wedding, we were always circling back to discussions that were Cubs related. There was no avoiding them. Next time I'm going to Papua New Guinea...alone.

2) It's easier to pretend you don't care when the Nationals are prominently involved.

Sweet eight pound baby Jesus are the Nats terrible. They are so bad that it's not even jinx-worthy to assume a series victory and not really that big of a leap of faith to predict a sweep. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to "ignore" the games.

3) USA Today has the worst sports section in the world.

When you aren't paying attention to scores at night and have little access to the Internet while on vacation, the morning paper is your best friend. Unless, however, that paper is the USA Today. So when I opened up the sports section on Friday morning in hopes of checking the box scores, imagine my shock when the paper listed to final scores. TWO. The Cubs game and one other. Apparently, the USA Today goes to press around 9 PM ET so even games like Reds at Brewers get the "late game" treatment. How can you even call it a sports section when you report on 2 of 16 games each night?

4) XM Radio kicks ass. The Nats announcers do not.
As we began our trip back to the airport in the rental car, I discovered the wonder that is XM radio and their MLB Play-By-Play stations. Any game you want, even the Nats, is just a button click away. Unfortunately, however, you are subjected to the hometown announcers and the Nationals have a couple of mouth-breathers. Before the game got mercifully out of hand, we had to listen to a 15-minute story about Hawaii's minor league team that had nothing to do with the game followed (without segue) by what seemed like a two-hour story about pancakes. Throw in the fact that they refused to tell us what was happening most of the time and almost never referred to the Cubs players by name and it may have been the worst announcing crew I have ever heard.

Hawk Harrelson, I owe you an apology.

Go Cubs.

Is There Anyone We Can Beat?

Something happened (again) yesterday as I watched another Cubs game.

I gave up.

That's right.

I gave up the moment the Cubs found themselves down TWO runs.

During other seasons, channel surfing during a Cubs game was a no-no for me. The only exceptions were 10+ run deficits, Bob Howry appearances or Top Gun.

Not so much this year. Heck, I thought about turning it off after a run scored FROM SECOND on a wild pitch. FROM SECOND! And don't even get me started on the whole second and third with no outs bed-crapping suckfest in the 8th (I feel bad for those of you who were still watching).

To make matters worse, it was the Pirates. The 36-41 Pirates (which sounds really bad until I realized the Cubs were 36-38...kill me now). To make matters even worser (yes, I'm aware that is not a word, but somehow it seems perfect for this team), Lilly was on the mound. That's Ted Lilly, your Chicago Cubs 2009 All-Star.

Maybe this is the low point. Not this game, but this road trip. Maybe Aramis will ride in on his white stallion and save the season. Maybe Smarj is the stabilizing force the bullpen needs. Maybe Soriano can remember that bat must meet ball to produce a hit. Maybe Lee can keep his hot streak going. Maybe Fontenot will slip in the shower and none of us will have to watch him bat EVER again this year.

That's a lot of maybes, I know. But when I find myself watching America's Got Talent INSTEAD of the Cubs games, that's all I've got.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Vendors Can't Even Be Original At Racism

Thanks to SportsByBrooks for the pic of this moronic shirt being sold at Wrigley today.

Kudos to the idiot who stole the idea from some idiotic Cards fan and made a sad knock-off version.

Well done, sir.

On a lighter, less racist note, there's this:



Awesome even without a translation.

Go Cubs.

A Two Game Series is Perfect

Sadly, the first game of the 2009 Cubs/Sox series was rained out last night. For 39,000+ soaked and (probably) hammered fans of both teams, it was a huge downer. But for me, it was perfect.

Why?

Because now they can tie.

I know, try to contain your excitement.

Over the past few months, one of the few things Cubs and Sox fans can agree on is that their team's 2009 campaigns have been...what's the best way to put this...hot-poker-in-the-eye awful. Both teams have struggled out of the gates. Both teams have managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on multiple occasions. Both clubs have forgotten how to hit, field, catch, run and in Milton Bradley's case a little bit of all four with a side of poor math skills.

So when the skies opened up yesterday afternoon, I prayed for a rain out. With a makeup date not yet announced, a rain out meant a two game series. Which, if the season so far is any indication, made it a lot easier for the Cubs to not screw this up. One win gets the Cubs a tie. Heck, two wins...ah, nevermind, who am I kidding.

So thank you rain gods for giving fans on both ends of the Red Line something we haven't had in awhile...hope. Hope that after Thursday's game, we will both be no worse off.

What a season, eh?

Go Cubs.

PS. I am going to the game on Thursday, so pray the Cubs win today or me and my 13-game losing streak will make all this series split stuff a moot point.

The Curse of the Z No-No

The goat has absolved me of my sin.

Ok, so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that after months of racking my brain, trying to figure out what has turned the Cubs from favorites to frustrating-as-f#&k...I finally figured it out. As it turns out, it isn't the DeRo trade. Nor the bullpen. It's not the poor play of Soto and Bradley. It isn't even the injury to Aramis. No, sadly the lackluster play of the Cubs since the end of the 2008 regular season is the result of something...else.

Which brings me to the bad news.

This is all my fault.

As I mentioned in my 90210 Playoff Preview last September, there was a certain game last year in Milwaukee that I kinda, sorta missed.

Let's let 2008 J Dot explain:

In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about it. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize.

Yeah, I know. I am not the brightest knife in the chandelier. But don't worry it gets much, much worse.

After the regular season ended, WGN decided to re-air the Zambrano no-hitter for those of us dumb enough to have missed it the first time. So, I recorded it. But with the playoffs just around the corner, I never got around to watching it.

So...

When the Cubs crapped the bed and made a quick exit in the playoffs, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the Jim Hendry went bat-shit crazy on us and traded away not one, but TWO clubhouse leaders and replaced them with "players" like Kevin Gregg and Aaron Miles, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the bullpen forgot how to make the round white thing go over the pentagon-shaped white thing, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When players started dropping like flies and the bats took a sabbatical, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

Now, I wonder what the common denominator was during this fun little eight-month tailspin?

Oh. Right. My bad.

But have no fear, my four readers, there is a silver lining. I deleted the game (without watching it of course, I'm not a complete idiot) on Friday morning. Since then, the Cubs are 2-1.

Curse lifted.

You're welcome.

Go Cubs.

Do Something, ANYTHING!

His jersey fit the last time the Cubs did something interesting.

Other than committing felony assault on innocent Gatorade machines, when was the last time the Cubs did anything worth watching? Sure they have won a few here and there. Heck, they even split the series with the "NL Best" LA Dodgers. But were any of those games fun to watch?

No.

Now that the Bulls and Blackhawks are out of the playoffs, it's time for the Cubs to step up to the plate (pun intended) and start being at least remotely entertaining.

Bring on the circus catches, the late inning rallies, the tape measure HR shots, the...aww, who am I kidding. Just start scoring some damn runs so I don't start seriously considering watching I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

Go Cubs.

PS. I was gonna live-blog the game tonight, but decided against it for obvious reasons. I will be "tweeting" about it, however. Feel free to check it out here.

PPS. Soriano homered as I was writing this post. I will now begin to eat crow.

(Almost) Everything Right With the World

Cubs fans react to the news about Neal Cotts.

As Hire Jim Essian pointed out this morning, there is finally some good news to report about your Chicago Cubs. No, not their rained-shortened victory last night (which was nice).

In what may go down in history as the GREATEST "addition by subtraction" move in Cubs history, Neal Cotts was sent far, far away (to Iowa). Unfortunately, they also sent Scales with him which ends (for now) the feel-good story of the year.

Who got the call, you ask?

1) Andres Blanco (.314 BA, 4 home runs and 25 RBI).
2) Jason Waddell (5.40 ERA in 18 appearances for Iowa)
and...

3) The man, the myth, the legend...Jake Fox. (.423 BA, 17 home runs and 50 RBI in 40 games)

I don't think I am over-reacting at all when I say:

Season saved.

Ok, that maybe just a little.

Go Cubs.

Of Course It's Not Your Fault

Paul Sullivan' article in the Trib today featured to VERY different takes on the Cubs offensive woes of late.

D-Lee:
"Let's not blow it out of proportion," Lee said. "It's two games. Carpenter is the nastiest pitcher I've faced all year. No excuses. We're professionals. We've got to score, but just don't blow it out of proportion."

Milton Bradley:
"I'm the main culprit," Bradley said. "I'm having terrible at-bats. Just not doing anything, not even hitting the ball out of the infield."

For all the bad press Milton gets for his temper and crazy behavior at least he has the cajones to step up and put the blame on himself instead of trying to make his suckiness about the media. Maybe Derrek should spend more time in the batting cage and less time worrying about what the media thinks of his performance.

I've had it with this dude.

Bring on Micah (or Fox).

Go Cubs.

Rick Telander Actually Makes Me Miss Mariotti

I can't believe I missed this today, but apparently Ricky wanted to get some extra press this week so he boarded the ludicrous train and headed straight to doucheville. As the Sports Guy likes to say...I am without speech. Enjoy.

Small hitter, big problem.

When even Theriot raises suspicions, baseball's earned cynicism.

Sorry, Ryan Theriot, you're a suspect. Forget Manny Ramirez and Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi and Mark McGwire and all the other hulking, accused performance-enhancing drug users.

You, sir, all 5-11, 175 pounds of you, are doing devious things.

To wit, Theriot -- no disrespect, but if he's 5-11, I'm 6-12 -- hit two home runs Wednesday night at Wrigley Field against the Padres, giving him five times more home runs in 33 games this year than he hit all last season.

Brrinnnng! Eee -- ah! Eee-ah! Zzzt! Zzzzt!

That rings the steroid/HGH/ whatever-designer-drug-is-in bell, doesn't it?

Yup, he wrote that. Sober.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Continue to Win, Bore My Pants Off

I turned on the game yesterday when it was 1-1 and watched as the Cubs proceeded to treat the woeful Padres like a red-headed step child. Three changes and six runs later, I flipped the channel never to return.

My bad.

It was a beautiful day at the ballpark, and the Cubs were on their way to a sweep. I should have been dancing around high-fiving my imaginary friends. I wasn't. In fact, I couldn't have cared less.

What in the hell is going on? Have I grown so accustomed to them winning that it has become tiresome to watch? Doubtful. Are the Padres so bad that I didn't feel the last three victories were that big of a deal? Possibly. Is this team lacking a personality or players that are fun to watch? Bingo.

Don't get me wrong. There are some great players on this team, and I am excited that they are playing well, but I'm not really as emotionally invested as I normally am. With Mr. Clutch on the DL and Mr. Never Bunt For a Hit Ever Again nursing a bad hammie, I am hard-pressed to think of a guy on this team that pumps me up on a daily basis. Think about it. Outside of the Bobby "Story Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture" Scales and the suddenly home-run happy Theriot, this team is pretty boring.

Sure Soriano is killing the ball, but do his ABs really have that electricity or buzz that make them must-see TV? Not really.

Milton Bradley may be finally turning it around, but his plate appearances are like watching paint dry. A buddy of mine recently joked that he had yet to see Milton swing. He wasn't that far off. The man takes a TON of pitches. I realize that its because he has a good eye, but it is still mind-numbing to watch sometimes.

And...(pausing).

See, I can't even come up with anything remotely interesting to say about anyone else.

Without Z and Aramis, this is just a team of hard-working guys who get the job done. Nothing flashy, nothing highlight-worthy. Just good, honest, BORE ME TO TEARS baseball.

Yes, I am aware that I am looking a gift horse DIRECTLY in the mouth. Yes, I understand that I will be singing a different tune when the Cubs are mired in a seven-game losing streak and I am ready to sell my first born for a win. I get it. Really I do. It's just winning is so damn...uneventful.

Go (YAWN) Cubs.

You Know What's Really Counter-Productive? Sucking.

(WARNING: ANGRY RANT DETECTED!)

So Phil Rogers was apparently out of new ideas yesterday, so he decided to recycle everyone's favorite topic...booing.

With five victories in their last six games, the Cubs are 15-12. That's not bad, but the just-completed 4-2 homestand ended with many fans acting as if they were following a last-place team.

"I'll tell you this. It's counterproductive," manager Lou Piniella said of the booing. "Athletics is a tough profession. Playing baseball every day is not easy. Nobody's immune from struggling. The more they encourage our players, the easier for everybody involved."

As I've said many times before, the only thing keeping this team from winning it all is a little encouragement.

I understand that Lou is just answering a question, but he still manages to give the same BS answer we've been hearing in this town for years...

If we would stop booing, the players would play better.

Yeah. Somehow I doubt it was the lack of cheers that made Todd Hundley one of the worst-hitting catchers of my lifetime. I find it hard to believe that Patterson or Pie would have torn it up if we had all buttoned up. Don't try to blame your ineptness on us. We don't make you swing at ball four or miss the cutoff man.

Here's the deal. None of us find losing lovable anymore. In fact, many of us never did in the first place. We were pumped when the Cubs management finally started to understand that. But with all the big deals and big names comes bigger expectations. We EXPECT to win now. Actually, fuck that (sorry, Mom), we DEMAND it. It's been a long time coming.

If that seems unfair, well, it isn't. When the team we root for with every once of our being plays like shit, it upsets us. When we get upset, we boo. We don't boo because we are assholes (mostly) or because we don't like the players (occasionally). We boo because we want the players to want it as much as we do. It's that simple.

Go Cubs.

(Whew. I feel better now, thanks.)

What Has Two Thumbs and the Ability to Kill a Winning Streak? This Guy.

That's right ladies and gents, the nightmare is back! Against the advice of friends, family, and the occasional angry commenter, I have decided to lift my self-imposed ban and once again return to Wrigley Field.

Please hide the women and children, wrap Aramis in bubble tape, and PLEASE, for the love of God, don't bet on the Cubs this afternoon. Nothing good can or will happen today.

As my four readers are well aware, I am now riding a personal best 10 game losing streak dating back to the beginning of last year. Ten times, I have stepped inside the historic ballpark known as the Friendly Confines and 10 times the Cubs have lost...in a row.

Then why am I going back, you ask? Well, for two reasons.

1) I have been given free tickets to a suite where I will be able to enjoy copious amounts of free beer.

2) Actually, it's just the one reason.

So wave bye-bye to the four-game winning streak; say too-ta-loo to the return of D-Lee's power stroke; and wish the juiced-up Theriot happy trails.

It all comes crashing back to Earth right around 1:20 pm CST today.

My condolences.

Go Cubs.

P.S. In my pre-defense, they are going up against the reigning Cy Young winner, Tim Lincecum, today, so the blame can't all be on my shoulders, right? Right? Bueller?

UPDATE: Pre-defense Part II:

This is the lineup that Lou is trotting out there today. Wow. Murder's Row. The loss will soooo not be my fault.

J. Gathright cf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.111
A. Miles ss	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.190
K. Fukudome rf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.312
D. Lee 1b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.207
M. Hoffpauir lf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.324
M. Fontenot 3b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.266
B. Scales 2b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
K. Hill c	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.323
S. Marshall p

18 Games In...I'm Out.

Call me irrational. Call me a quitter. Call me a typical "the sky is falling" Cubs fan. I don't care. After 18 games of mostly lousy baseball, I'm done. I can't stand watching this team. Every time I turn them on, I get sick to my stomach. I should have known better too. Hendry never really gave them a shot to be successful. Gone are the veteran bats that could get the big hit in the clutch (Read: DeRosa and Edmonds). In their place are an always injured basket case who's hitting TWENTY (not 200, TWENTY) and Aaron Miles (Sucks). Good god. Throw in Soto's sophomore slump along with D-Lee's rotting corpse and I am actually shocked that they have won two games, let alone nine.

And then there is the pitching.

Ignoring the starters for a moment (who have been at least serviceable), this team's pen is filled with one mind-boggling question after another. Why does Neal Cotts even get to suit up for games? Does he have some nude photos of Lou and a 13-year-old Guatemalan boy? Why was throwing away 5 million on everyone's favorite Frenchman and Vizcaino a good idea? Why stretch out Smarj only to use him out of the pen when he gets the call? Why did anyone think giving the ball to a kid who hadn't pitched above Double-A would work? Why sign a closer with a gimp knee? Why continue to mess with the already paper-thin psyche of your closer-in-waiting by yo-yoing him between holding and saving? Why is it so impossible for this collection of stiffs to find the strike zone? I could go on and on.

Throw in the typical Cubs base running gaffes and their continued refusal to make the easy play in the outfield and this team may well be on its way to a worse under-achieving performance than...2004. That's right, I said it.

So I am done. I'm out. F this team. I've washed my hands of them...at least until around 8:40 CT tonight.

Go Cubs.

Time to Dust(y) Off the Live Blog

What better way to celebrate Dusty Baker's first visit to Wrigley in 2009 than with a live blog! Why a live blog you ask? Two reasons.

1) It's what we do here at FOTG when we are all out of original ideas.
2) It means I am not at the game tonight, which is better for everyone.

Stay tuned!

Go Cubs.

7:00PM:
If there is a better highlight than walk-off HR against the Cards, I have never seen it. Starting a bit late today, which gives us a few extra minutes with Len and Bob. Life is good.

7:02PM:
Fans of the new 90120 must hate the Cubs. They keep having their show bumped to midnight by these 7PM starts. Speaking of the new 90210, who the hell is still watching that pile of trash?

7:06PM:
I always feel bad for the Cubs Care guy. The only time he gets to be interviewed on air is during a rain delay...when no one is watching.

7:10PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of Harden. 1) He needs to get his pitch count down. 2) Rich should be able to handle tonight's weather because he's from Canada. Wow.

7:12PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of the weather. "If it's nice out you play, if it's not you don't." Thanks again, Lou.

7:15PM:
Game time. Micah still playing right. Let's do this.

7:18PM:
Dusty is still a douche. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

7:20PM:
Rich has the nasty stuff working tonight in the 1st. Will he have it in the 3rd is the question of the night.

7:21PM:
If I was betting on the commercial we see the most tonight, I'd say it's the Will.I.AM-Bob Dylan Pepsi ad. I've already seen it 4 times in the last 15 minutes.

7:24PM:
Wow. Jay Bruce nearly ran over Taveras. Would have been great for the Cubs and disastrous for my fantasy team.

7:26PM:
Gotta love a long stretch of games in a row. Gives me an excuse to drink each day.

7:27PM:
D-Lee flies out, again. I know it's still early, but I am starting to believe that 2005 was a fluke.

7:29PM:
Damn, I forgot about the Comcast triple play ad. It's gonna be a tight race between that and the Pepsi ad. Am I the only one who notices these things.

7:30PM:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There was just a teaser for the WGN news tonight that mentioned the Midwest's largest strip club is opening soon. Why am I just hearing about this now?

7:32PM:
Fontenot makes a bid for a web gem with his "leap" and grab of a looping liner. Great play. Jay Bruce follows with a HR. Bad play (unless, hypothetically, you have him on your fantasy team).
1-0 Reds.

7:35PM:
I have no stats to back this up, but I think Harden does better when he doesn't have a ton of strikeouts. I'd check Cubs.com to verify this theory, but I'd rather surf for porn.

7:37PM:
Our first Micah v. Micah match-up is won by Hoffpauir. Suck on that, Owings. (I have no idea if I spelled either of those names correctly.)

7:42PM:
Anytime Aramis plays in weather like this, I pray for homers and singles. The last thing we need is for him to pull his groin trying to leg out a double. Actually, that may apply to all weather conditions now that I think about it.

7:44PM:
First Micah HR of a Micah. That's a stat we all needed. Thanks WGN!

7:45PM:
Geo still struggling, although he did move the always-grimacing-when-he-runs-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-me Aramis to third with a fly ball.

7:48PM:
Anyone who still boos when the pitcher throws to first should be kicked in the junk. Repeatedly. Why are you booing? Are you in a hurry?

7:49PM:
Theriot stays surface-of-the-sun hot and smokes a single to left. 2-1 good guys. Harden follows with a beautiful bunt that results in a hit. Bases drunk for you know who.

7:51PM:
Even with the bases loaded and the wind blowing in from left, I'd walk him. That's why my phone never rings when there is a managing vacancy.

7:55PM:
Fuku is first pitch swinging (because that makes sense when the pitcher is wild) and flies out to center. Cubs leave them loaded, but score two in the inning. That's so Cubs.

7:57PM:
Unrelated: My wife is getting her hair cut tonight and when I asked her how long it would take, she said "two hours." She wasn't joking. Reason #4,567 I'm glad I'm a dude.

7:59PM:
Two straight Ks for Harden. He apparently didn't read my scouting report. Jerk.

8:01PM:
Willy T. pops out to Lee at the exact same moment that I realize I didn't start Bruce this week. Coincidence? I doubt it.

8:03PM:
Two things. 1) Why does Brenly have to scream the promotions he reads? 2) What does D-Lee have against taking a pitch?

8:04PM:
Micah v. Micah Round 2 goes to Hoff with a base on balls. All is for not as Aramis grounds into a DP. Hooray.

8:10PM:
A stray cat wandered onto the field and a security guy decided to pick it up by its tail...which got him booed by those in attendance. That might be the first legit boo by Cubs fans in years. That guy better watch out for the PETA mafia on his way home tonight. Just saying.

8:17PM:
And...then the fans ruin their one-straight good boo streak by booing a fan for catching a not-at-all-in-play foul ball near the "Bartman area" in left. Good times. 2-2 after three and a half.

8:25PM:
Theriot's .415 BA is making it harder and harder for me to hate him for no particular reason. Striking out, though, keeps the hatred alive. Cubs go quietly in the 4th.

8:29PM:
Unrelated #2: An anonymous tipster sent the Consumerist a picture of a new Burger King sandwich that is in the works that is a "sloppy joe inside a fried shell."

It may be because I am starving, but that sounds delicious.

8:35PM:
Willy Taveras uses his speed to reach with an infield single, followed by Brenly using "ironically" wrong. Not sure which one makes me more mad. D-Lee digs out a throw from Theriot to end the inning. Still dueces up (2-2).

8:41PM:
How long does Fuku have to play well this year to be considered a non-bust? 150 games? 130? Seems like everyone I talk to is just waiting for his collapse to begin. In interest of full disclosure, I am one of those people.

8:45PM:
D-Lee CRUSHES it to left, but the wind holds it in. Fortunately for the Cubs, the OF somehow muffs it and the bases are again intoxicated. I know there is no way to measure this, but that may be the hardest hit single of all time.

8:48PM:
Micah v. Micah round 3 again goes to Micah H. as he hits a sac fly to deep center. 3-2 Cubs. (YELLING) Larry, I have the rounds at 10-7 (knockdown), 10-9, 10-8! Micah Owings needs a big round here or he's got not chance!

8:54PM:
Speaking of boxing (see what I did there?), Aramis lands the knockout blow with a RBI single to right and Micah is down for the count. 4-2 Cubs.

8:56PM:
Bad omen? Bud Light Fan Cam, featuring the musical styling of Wang Chung tonight, experiences some technical difficulties. Not good. Not good at all.

8:58PM:
Reds reliever Lincoln plunks Fontenot and walks Soto which plates a run and brings...wait for it...brings Dick Pole to the Mound. I think I have that DVD somewhere. 5-2 Cubs as we head to the 6th.

9:07PM:
I am pretty sure that the Reds didn't score in the 6th, but I helping the wife pack for Baltimore. Unrelated #3: While I have never been to Baltimore, I am nearly certain that the question "Do you wanna go to Baltimore?" is always answered with "Not even on a dare."

9:12PM:
Soriano smokes the bag with a ball and somehow ends up with a double. During the play, Votto takes out the legs of Bruce and nearly ends the season of both my fantasy teams simultaneous. I may have pooped myself a little bit.

9:18PM
Lincoln apparently is attempting to throw pitches with his eye closed again. He hits Fuku and then walks D-Lee. Dusty FINALLY gives him the hook. I know I speak for everyone when I say that if nothing else, Dusty is a god when it comes to managing his pitchers.

9:21PM
Bob Brenly just describes the motion needed to throw a screw ball as "turning a door knob counter-clockwise if you are a righty and clockwise if you are a lefty." I hurt my forearm just thinking about that. I'm day to day with an arm.

9:23PM
After Reed strikes out, Aramis says "I FEAR NOT YOUR SILLY PITCH!" with a two-run scoring single to right. 7-2 Tiny Bears.

9:29PM
Even with a 7-2 lead, this bullpen's not-being-able-to-get-outs-ness worries me.

9:36PM
The Class 4A basketball champs are gonna sing? THE CLASS 4A BASKETBALL CHAMPS ARE GONNA SING!

9:38PM
As the fans begin their on-going debate over which field "sucks," The Riot keeps on keeping on with another single. Two on, two out as Aaron Miles (Sucks) comes in to pinch "hit." Color me excited.

9:43PM
A full five minutes later, Aaron Miles (Sucks) is still at the dish. Will wonders never cease?

9:44PM
Aaron Miles (Sucks) strikes out, proving my question to be rhetorical.

9:48PM
Neal Cotts is warming up which means somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan is crying.

9:49PM
The bases continue to be unable to hold their liquor as they are now loaded for D-Lee. With two outs making it impossible for him to hit into a DP, I am guessing walk.

9:53PM
Lee proves me wrong and flies out to shortest left. Sigh.

9:59PM
Cotts follows a full-count K with a first pitch single and a walk. Somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan has thrown something breakable at something hard.

10:04PM
Cotts is relieved of his duties (let us hope permanently) as Marmol comes in and induces a quick fly out. He then proceeds to throw at Jay Bruce's knee solidifying the fact that God hates my fantasy team. Marmol K's Bruce and the the lead remains 5.

10:07PM
We have a late charge in the most seen commercial race tonight as Southwest's "Lady Boxing Out On the Elevator" makes its move!

10:07PM
Bob and Len discuss how far it is from Puerto Rico to Seattle. That's what you get with a 5-run lead.

10:12PM
Is it just me or does it seem like they crank up the outfield mics in games like this? All I can hear are the drunken morons screaming at each other. Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky.

10:16PM
Maybe I am an idiot, but why exactly is Bradley appealing his suspension? Since he's not on the DL, he would have served his suspension already if he doesn't hit tonight. I understand there are principalities involved here, but they seem trivial at best.

10:12PM
Viscaino in to close it out. All 3,000 fans left are thrilled.

10:25PM
The ump appears to have no plans tonight as he calls a borderline strike three pitch a ball. Next pitch is hit off the wall. Jerry Hairston Jr. then gets booed for no reason other than the drunks kind of remember his name...sort of.

10:25PM
JHJ takes strike three looking and the Cubs wrap up another one. Time to sing.

Go Cubs.

Even Saw the Lights of the Goodyear Blimp...And it Said Ice Cube's a Pimp

Cubs beat the birds on a walk off in extra innings. Bulls beat the defending champs in OT to start the playoffs. Blackhawks beat the Cal-GARY Fle-Mays to go up 2-0 in their playoff series.


Unless Chicago sleeps with Scarlett Johannsen tonight, this is about as good as it gets.