Ryan Dempster Signs Deal, Kicks Fans in Balls

I've really been trying to enjoy the Cubs offseason. Really. With NCAA football, the NFL and (gulp) the NHL, I have tons of sports to occupy my time. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading about the Cubs as much as possible.

Peavy? Talk to me when they make the deal.

Randy Johnson? Please let that be a joke.

Teahan? Yawn.

Other than the brief moments of joy for Soto and Lou's awards, I have kept my distance from this team. It's my way of cleansing my mind of all the pain and hatred I have built up after another year of being a Cubs fan.

Then Dempster happened.

No, I am not talking about the contract. I could devote a whole other post to that Gaetti-ish move and maybe I will. What got my attention and raised my blood pressure about 200 joules (I have no idea how you measure BP, sorry) was his comments on the playoffs. For those of you who missed it, this is what he told the Tribune:

"Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series," Dempster said. "It's like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you've got to go."

"I think sometimes we almost expected it, go out there and play hard and we're good enough and just expect it to happen, and we'll win this series and then the next one and all the excitement will happen once we get to the World Series," he said. "Maybe L.A. was just a little more prepared for us than we were for them."

"It almost felt like it was just going to be a given that we win Games 1 and 2 and move on and go from there," he said. "You still have to play the games. You have to put the uniform on, go out there and compete. If anything we've learned that."

Sweet baby Jesus.

When I first read that, I assumed he was kidding. Not that it was a particularly good joke, but the alternative was mind-boggling dumb. Then I read it again. And again. And again.

(Banging head on table)

So you're telling me, Ryan, that what the Cubs have "learned" is that you have to be prepared for the playoffs?

Are you saying that professional baseball players, many of whom had been to the postseason before, ASSUMED that all they had to do was show up? Really? You didn't know how "ready" you needed to be? Are you kidding me? It's a five game series! You know what that means? Best of 3 wins! Who in their right mind, ESPECIALLY CUBS PLAYERS, assume you are going to win?

Were you shocked that the Dodgers even showed up for Game 1? I mean, surely if you guys thought it was a "given that we win Games 1 and 2," the Dodgers must have thought the same. Right? Pretty brave of them to make the trip anyway if you ask me.

As fans, we have spent the last month or so trying to forget how much that series sucked and you show up saying that you think you lost because you weren't prepared. Why not say there was a flu bug going around so you guys weren't at full strength? Why not say the pressure got to you? Why not say it was too cold? Hell, we'd even be OK if you told us you had money on the Dodgers. But to say you weren't prepared is a fucking (sorry, Mom) insult.

When you say "we weren't prepared," you know what I hear. YOU weren't prepared, Ryan. YOU assumed you'd win Game 1. That would explain the 7 walk, 4 and two-thirds bed crapper of a game you pitched. Awesome. Basically, you let YOUR success up to that point (which means exactly zilch) go to your head. Thanks. No really. We appreciated the effort.

Next time, do us a favor, just sign your bloated new deal and shut the fuck up.

Go Cubs.

"Just don't bounce the damn ball...nice throw, d##khead."

As I rode the pines the past few weeks, I started looking back through some old posts of mine and I noticed that there was a common theme. I am an idiot. It seems that when it came to predictions or opinions about this team and its players, accuracy was never my strong suit. Since I never claimed to be anything but a moron, this shouldn't come as a surprise. That being said, even I was a little stunned by the level of idiocy I brought to this blog at times. So let's take a stroll together down memory lane while I reexamine four of my more memorable, er, errors in judgement. It's nothing if not awe-inspiring.

1) Jim Edmonds

What I said:

May 12th, 2008

40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.

Ok. I'm not proud of this one, but come on! We are talking about JIM EDMONDS. When I wrote that, there was only one Cardinal in the history of baseball I hated more (you know who you are, Fernando). He was 37 years old and was just CUT by a major league baseball team. Not demoted. Cut. There are no good signs there. Just red flags.

What I said:

May 14th, 2008

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months. PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.

I actually gagged when I reread that. Man, I HATED Jimbo. That wasn't healthy at all. But let's all remember, I technically hadn't said anything WRONG at this point. I DID hate Jim Edmonds. It was a fact. Just wanted to point that out in case you were keeping score.

What I said:

May 20th, 2008

In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband?" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.

Here are the stats for the 'asshat poster boy" since joining the Cubs:

BA .277, 12 HR. 36 RBI and 26 Runs in 53 games.

Oops. Needless to say I was dead wrong and the Cubs are a better team with him in the lineup. Even better is the fact that the bargain basement signing of Jimbo kept us from having to panic and give away 2 prospects for an equally old player who can't even play center anymore. Not naming names. Just facts.

2) Ryan Theriot

What I said:

April 1, 2008

Cubs Sent Theriot to the Reds

From an AP article late today: In a surprising move, the Cubs sent fan favorite Ryan Stewart Theriot to the Reds this afternoon for a player to be named later. In what may go down as the quickest hook in the history of MLB, the Cubs seemed to be washing their hands of the underachieving SS after an 0-5 performance on Monday's season opener. When reached for comment, Jim Hendry said,

"To be honest, we were hoping they would send us a bag of baseballs for Ryan...not new, mind you, but at least a full bag. When they agreed to a player to be named later, we were very pleased. Our only provision was that this "player-to-be-named" was NOT Corey Patterson." It is unclear at this point who the Cubs will be able to find to replace Theriot's .000 BA, but a source close to the organization said, "Listen, I'm a 60-year-0ld lifetime smoker who has had two hip-replacement surgeries, a triple bypass AND I am blind in one eye, but I GUARANTEE I could get on base more than (expletive deleted)."

April Fool's or wishful thinking? A little bit of both, I guess.

Actually it was neither. Not only was I piling on The Riot after the FIRST GAME OF THE YEAR, I also wasn't very funny. All Theriot has done this year is hit. He's 6th in the LEAGUE in BA and 10th in OBS. I know most of my hatred was based on his terrible down the stretch numbers in 2007 where he went something like 2 for his last 242 (that's guesstimate...he could have been 3 for 242 for all I know), but I think I should have at least waited for a somewhat larger sample size before banishing him to the Land of Dusty. My bad.

3) DP-Lee

What I said:

April 21st, 2008

D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.

Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far. I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters. Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.


This one is less funny since the numbers actually are going the other way. After that amazing start, he has hit just 10 HR and his batting average has dropped like a rock to .289. Yikes. Even worse is the fact that as of Sunday, DP-Lee leads MLB in the dreaded GIDP category. He also leads all Cubs in 2 important categories:

1) Most ABs resulting in remotes being turned into projectiles.
2) Most games with 0 hits when team scores 10+ runs.

He is also the current owner of the "Guy That Is Killing My Fantasy Team Trophy," which he ripped out the hands of Furcal about 3 months ago. Thanks Derrek. Thanks a heap.


4) Ryan Dempster

What I said:

March 4th, 2008

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but after the big two (Z and Lilly) there is a lot to be desired about this group of pitchers (and I'm not even going to start on Rich Hill). Am I supposed to believe that I can expect 10+ wins each from a starter/closer/budding stand-up comedian? Really? I shouldn't be worried?

Let's take a gander at the stats, shall we...


I'm an idiot.

Go Cubs.

Rambo-ian

From today's Suntimes.

Manager Lou Piniella, on the other hand, said he's looking forward to seeing Dempster pitch in a game after an offseason and early spring of what Piniella called ''Rambo-ian'' effort -- in particular the right-hander's daily habit this spring of putting in a full workout at the ballpark, then running up nearby Camelback Mountain.

''When you've got the energy to do that,'' Piniella said, ''that's a little Rambo-ian for me.''

Read More...

Maybe he meant rambunctious?

''No, Rambo-ian,'' he said. ''Like Rambo. We'll invent a word, what the hell.''

Gotta love Lou.

So, today is the first game. Ryan "Rambo" Dempster on the hill for the Cubs against the Geriatric Giants. Seriously, this has to be the oldest team in baseball history, right? Even without Barry. Take a look at this.

Projected Starters
1. Dave Roberts LF (36)
2. Omar Vizquel SS (41)
3. Randy Winn RF (34)
4. Aaron Rowand CF (31)
5. Bengie Molina C (34)
6. Ray Durham 2B (37)
7. Rich Aurilia 1B (37)
8. Kevin Frandsen 3B (26)

Sweet Jesus.

Not a whole lot to look forward to if you are a Giants fan this year.

I haven't seen an official lineup yet for your Chicago Cubs today. I'm sure there will by plenty of playing time for the young kids. I'm excited. First chance to hear Ron and Pat. Always a great day. Can't wait.

Go Cubs!

UPDATE:
Here is the lineup for the first game.

Theriot, SS

Cedeno, 3B

Fukudome, RF

Lee, 1B

Murton, LF

Soto, C

Cintron, 2B

Pie, CF

Dempster, P UPDATE #2: Randy Winn took Rambo deep in the first. Joy. Go Cubs.