Go Sit In the Corner and Think About What You Did

So I had planned on posting about how amazingly moronic and predictable EVERY article about the Bradley signing was today. If you were smarter than me (chances are good) and ignored these piles of warm dung, let me tell you, they were...what's the opposite of earth-shattering? Earth-mending? Earth-fixing? Basically they were about normal.

1) He's been suspended before and has a temper.
You're kidding!

2) He is injury prone.
Get out of here, really?

3) Mark DeRosa will be missed.
Wow, your insight is unmatched!

4) He's not Jake Peavy.
Are you sure? Better double check.

Basically, it was just the same article written by 10 different columnists using 5 different puns for headlines.

As I prepared to use my unrivaled fan base to run some more sports "writers" out of town (I'm looking at you, Haugh), Martin came across something on CBSSportsline or CBSSports or whatever the hell they are calling themselves these days that literally blew my mind. Now, I know it is a little early in 2009 to be declaring anyone the Biggest Moron of the Year, but if someone beats this dude, well hats off to him.

Fix this team: Chicago Cubs/ Orioles/Giants

by

The Contrarian

(BTW, I wish I was embellishing any of this, including that name, but I'm not. Someone wrote this down and posted it on the interwebs. Apologies to Bad Kermit for stealing the style for this post from HJE's always amazing Muskbag posts.)

I'm tired of hearing that the Cubs are close. It's time to get rid of the old contracts and build around Rich Harden and Carlos Zambrano with defense, hustle and enthusiasm. Call it the Ryan Theriot / Mike Fontenot era.

(OK, here's the thing, a know a sane person would stop right there and go bang his head against the wall for an hour. I am not that person.)

Let's dive right in...

So that's what this team was missing...enthusiasm! Here I was thinking it was guys who could hit, field and pitch in the postseason. Also, I had my lawyer file an injunction to prevent anything from ever being called the "Ryan Theriot/Mike Fontenot Era." You're welcome.

1st I love the acquisition of Joey Gathwright.

Let that one sink in. The Gathwright signing is what he OPENED with.

He's actually hit at every level he's been used at. I mean 3 AB's per game not just as a pinch-runner and defensive replacement. He also had very good numbers for assists in the minors.

Good to know he could throw out guys with minor league speed. World Series, here we come!

He'll never hit for power but start him. While he's starting think about how Bobby Dernier changed the cubs.

I thought about it, then I cried a little bit.

2nd Its time for the 3 Amigos to move on.

Look it's a 20-year-old movie reference!

Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee and Alfonzo Soriano are the big name big dollar guys that have actually forced me to watch the hustling Tampa Rays instead of the swing for the fences and miss Cubs. I'd move all 3.

I'm thinking what "forced" you to watch the hustling Rays may have been related to the Cubs forgetting to win a playoff game.

I'd send Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, while eating a portion of those contracts, to Baltimore. Brian Roberts ? No thanks. More big money. Nice Player but so are Fontenot and Theriot. Let's keep those guys hustling.

What's your deal with all the hustling? This isn't soccer. Better question, we're paying them to take our two of our best players? That's nice of us.

Lee and Ramirez to Baltimore for A bag of magic beans works for me, but I'd rather have 4 prospects/ suspects.

I'm on the fence with this magic beans vs. players debate, but I have to say, I'm leaning towards the beans. I mean, they are magic beans.

1. Little Lefty Troy Patton who could fit nicely between the big righties and become the next Jamie Moyer. Patton is 23.

The next Jamie Moyer? I'm sold.

2. 3B Tyler Henson, who strikes out too much but has power and speed potential. He's 21.

So you traded Aramis, who has decent plate discipline and drives in a ton of runs, for an unproven 21-year-old who strikes out but can run really fast? Can't see a flaw in that logic. Go on...

3. LF Luis Montanez, a former Cub Farm hand who it seemed to click for last season at Bowie. He's 27 and finally had a break out year.

A former Cub minor leaguer! You had me at former.

4. and AA Right Hand starter - the big name- Chris Tillman, only 20, Tillman dominated at Bowie last year. Going 11-4 with 154 k's.

So we traded BOTH corner infielders for a potentially great pitcher and some young kids who love the hustle. I can feel the enthusiasm, can you?

Baltimore signed Isturiz to play SS next to Roberts, They have Left Handed Power in Scott, Markakis, and Huff, a good looking young kid in Adam Jones in CF, but they have an aging 3B in Melvin Mora and no one at 1st base. If Matt Weiters is what they think he is - Lee and Ramirez in the cozy Camden Yards (I've been to Wrigley and Camden Yards are the better hitters park) is a good fit.

I know the name is confusing, but it's just the one yard.

They have young pitching in Liz, Olson, Guthrie, Burres, and rookies Matusz and Hernandez. So giving up some kids is do-able and it clears space and helps the cubs long term.

At 1b - I'd look hard at Tampa Bay's Eric Hinske as a short-term and possibly surprising long term replacement.

I hope to God there are two Eric Hinskes.

Hinkse grew up a cub fan. Started his career in the cubs minor league system and brings a solid left-handed bat to battle it out with Micah Hoffpair. Hinske can play 4 spots.

FOUR positions??? Is he counting DH 3 times?

At 3B - The short term place holder should be Ty Wiggington an under-rated RH power bat.

If Ty's rating is "lacks a pulse" then he's underrated. If it's anything above that, I think he's rated perfectly.

Josh Vitters eventually takes the role but Wiggington can play baseball and 5 positions. Hinske can play here too, against Righties.

Is Righties an actual person or is he speaking of right-handed pitchers in general?

At 2B - Fontenot Both Backed by DeRosa

Trouble with math again. While he does have the heart and hustle of men twice his size, he is in fact just one dude. Sad but true.

At SS - Theriot With Ronny Cedeno back

In CF - Gathwright With Reed Johnson in Reserve

In LF - Montanez With DeRosa in Reserve

So on this fictitious team, DeRo doesn't even start? The most consistent hitter, a guy with decent power and high RBI potential is now a backup? Head hurting...

Which brings me to my next cap clearing trade Rafeal Soriano, can go to a team more tolerant of players that can't touch a curve ball.

I'd try and trade him to a team that knows his actual name.

I'm thinking mutual salary dump here- Soriano and Fukudome to San Francisco for Barry Zito and Nate Schierholtz.

That is not a typo. He thought that, nodded to himself and then typed it. "Rafeal" Soriano and Fukudome for Barry FUCKING Zito (he had his legally changed, I believe) and Schierholtz. I don't have the words to describe how stupid that idea is. I just don't.

Sure Zito took some raps but he started out 0-8 and finished with 4 quality starts in 5 games.

Damn critics. Don't they know that winning is overrated?

With Lincecum, Lowry, Cain, Sanchez as the big four the Giants can afford this. Schierholtz could be a future all-star but Soriano and Fukudome already are and Fukudome's Japanese Heritage would play well in San Fran.

Brilliant. The Giants would totally take on Soriano's monster contract and Fukudome solely based on the fact that Fuku is from Japan. Most trades are actually based on where a person was born. It's a fact. Look it up.

In RF - Schierholtz

Catching - Soto. And Koyie Hill.

Wait, why aren't we trading Soto too? No one has a bunch of hustling 22-year-olds they don't want?

Zambrano, Zito, Harden, Ted Lilly and Ryan Dempster make a very expensive Starting Rotation and they also leave Rich Hill and Jason Marquis to move for prospects.

If you take off the "for prospects" at the end of that sentence, it actually works for me.

The Bullpen. Gosh I wish they'd have kept Kerry Wood -

Fiddlesticks, I agree.

but Guzman, Samardzija, Marmol and Gregg from the Right Side all have closer potential. Gaudin is solid in the middle.

and Cotts, and Sean Marshall man the Left Side.

So the Lineup is -

I would advise against reading this next section on a full stomach. Don't say I didn't warn you.

1. CF Joey Gathwright - the next Willie Wilson/ Bobby Dernier

2. SS Theriot

3. RF Schierholz

4. C Soto

5. 1B Hinske / Hoffpair

6. 3B Wiggington

7. LF Montanez or DeRosa

8. 2B Fontenot

Wow. I would comment here, but he's not Dunn (you love it) with the awesomeness yet.

If Free Agent Adam Dunn comes cheap enough he could play RF with Montanez moving to the bench.

Yep. Because, when you are trying to build on defense, enthusiasm and hustle, the name Adam Dunn should be at the top of your list.

But we added speed in CF, kept the defense strong up the middle, added Left Handed power, reduced the clutch strike outs by moving Soriano, added another veteran lefty who has a much different arm angle than Ted Lilly. Kept a youthful bullpen in place. and Added - potential future rotation pieces in Patton and Tillman and a potential future stick in Henson. Not too mention getting younger with Schierholtz, Montanez, Gathwright representing the future core with Hoffpair and Vetters and Soto.

The lack of any type of logic whatsoever in that paragraph makes my physically ill. Maybe this is a all just huge joke. Let's just move on.

Marquis would move to the Rockies or Mets.

He would have to, there is no room for him in this awe-inspiring rotation and his arm angle is too similar to Ted Lilly's.

Hill would be a nice addition with the Yankees.

Yes he would. If we do none of the stuff this guy suggests (and god-willing we won't), we MUST do this one. I'll even pitch in on his plane ticket.

Maybe you'd move Cedeno, a reliever, and Reed Johnson or Felix Pie for the right bag of prospects.

Replace "prospects" with "balls" and you might have some takers.

But this team would be capable of winning, fun to watch, and capable of sustaining winning with guys like Pie (who I think strikes out too much), Colvin, Henson, Vetters, Tillman and Patton coming on.

Yeah, let's make sure we keep Pie in all this. He hustles too much to let go.

It also leaves Zito and Lilly as lefties over 30 and puts a lineup in place with only Wiggington at 3rd over 30 at 31.

Youth before talent. That's how you build a consistent winner.

The bench is veteran and flexible with Hinske at 3B/1b/RF/LF, DeRosa- if not starting- capable at SS, 3B, 1b, LF and RF, Reed Johnson who can play all 3 outfield positions, Ronnie Cedeno in the middle of the Infield and Koyie Hill as the back-up catcher.

I hope Reed Johnson likes to run, because unless we can convince the other team to only hit the ball directly to Hinske, there will be a whole lot of balls rolling all the way to the ivy.

It moves 6 players over 30, by leaving Daryle Ward off the roster and moving Fukudome, Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez and confirming that Jason Marquis is expendable.

No Daryle Ward! Have you know soul, sir?

It also puts players behind the oldest parts of the roster and makes future moves, like trading Ted Lilly, a long term possibility but not a necessity.

Arm angle, shmarm angle, we need more young hustlers!

This team contends - for a long time.

No, no they don't.

Wow.

Go Cubs.