An End…And a New Beginning

Here at FOtG, I believe we’ve gotten complacent. Sloppy. Downright lazy. We simply haven’t been doing our job to bring our four readers the cutting edge of Cubs coverage. We have shirked our job, and done you a disservice. I cannot apologize enough, but I promise a brand new day has begun.

I’m talking about douchebags.

2007 was the year of the douchebag. Everybody was a douchebag. The guy who cut you off on Ashland? Douchebag. The operator from T-Mobile who claimed that you broke your contract and wouldn’t give you your $200 back? Douchebag. It was the go-to line for anyone remotely angered by the actions of another. In the American lexicon, it was the Bob Howry to your Lou Piniella:overused and rapidly losing effectiveness. The word has been used so many times and applied to so many different types of people that it has simply lost all humor.

Most of all, however, the Cubs were douchebags. From Michael Barrett to Rob Bowen to Jason Kendall, they had a virtual murder’s row of douchebags at the catcher position alone. And with Dusty still making the news in Chicago once a week last year, the term douchebag was never more readily (and justifiably) applied.

But its time has come.

Maybe it’s the fact that the Cubs are (for the first time in any of our lifetimes) actually a team that blows people out. Maybe its because “douchebag” has become just to easy to apply to anyone and everyone. For whatever reason, the word just doesn’t carry enough weight anymore. So, as of today, I will no longer refer to anyone as a douchebag. This will be my final post with the label of "douchebags." Its over. Pour one out.

Please note, however, that the word “douche” is still readily applicable, as it describes a certain type of person who simply embodies all that is douchey. People like this and this.

So, since “douchebag” is utterly played out, its time to usher in a new era of vintage insult. And, thanks to the Desipio message board and several minutes of deliberation, I have narrowed the list to five finalists. Mary Brennaman will forever have a new moniker. And I’m leaving it up to you, the four readers of Five Outs to Go, to decide that new moniker for me. The five finalists are (in alphabetical order):

Asshat
Cockface
Dicklick
Jizzbiscuit
Slapdick

Feel free to use the comment section to cast your vote. As soon as I get a critical mass of input (i.e. more than two votes), douchebag will forever be cast out and a new day will dawn. Carpe Diem.