Why I Hate the Brewers

So I had big plans for tonight. We were going to brave the Edens construction and head up to Milwaukee for the Hold Steady show, but the show doesn’t start until latenight. This, of course, was perfect, because we could catch a Brewers game beforehand, do some tailgating, and generally use baseball and music as an excuse to drink too much. Of course, no one I know actually likes the Brewers, but the ability to tailgate at Miller Park is an amenity that we know not in the parking lotless Wrigleyville.

But then the stupid Brewers had to go and have a stupid road game on Friday in stupid New York against the stupid Mets and ruin my plans for an evening of self-destructive behavior. I don’t care that the team has nothing to do with making the schedule…I’m officially bitter.

So, in celebration of my specious reasoning, here are ten equally irrational reasons to hate the Brewers in 2008, other than the fact that they’re, you know, the Cubs’ main rival.


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1. The vendors at Miller Park are ridiculously nice and never give you attitude or make it seem like they’re doing you a favor by taking your $35 for 4 beers. Come on…I’m from Chicago. We’re not comfortable getting any basic food service without being made to feel guilty that we asked for extra ketchup.

2. The Brewers have good fantasy players. I have three fantasy teams (yes, I’m a tool-see, well, every other post I’ve made for proof), and between them, I have Ryan Braun, Rickie Weeks, Yovani Gallardo, Corey Hart, and Eric Gagne. Nothing like rooting for the Brewers to score 12 runs per game and hopefully lose. Nothing like seeing them to do it only to notice that Braun went 0-4 with a walk.

3. Bernie Brewer. Actually, not so much Bernie Brewer, just the fact that he doesn’t slide into beer anymore. Embrace your alcoholism, Bernie. At least then I could respect you. Right now, you’re just a phony.

4. The fact that they haven’t changed the name from Miller Park to Vagina Field yet. Seriously-look at it on Google Earth when the roof is open. I’m actually surprised the FCC hasn’t banned all video images from the Goodyear blimp above Miller Park. Actually, I’m more annoyed that they didn’t build an identical stadium in D.C. and put it right next to the Washington Monument. By the way, I am nothing if not utterly sophomoric.

5. Bill Hall. I picked you in the third round last year and you sucked ass. You’ve already hit four home runs this season. I hate you.

6. Bob Uecker. Yeah, he’s a really good announcer. Yes, he pushes Major League from “really good baseball movie” to “in the team picture for best baseball movie ever.” But he never respected Mr. Belvedere’s role in raising Wesley, even when Mr. Belvedere convinced Wesley not to make fun of the kid with AIDS like the rest of his classmates were doing. Not cool, Mr. Owens. Not cool.

7. Streaks on the china,
Never mattered before,
Who cares.
When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.
But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.
All hands look out below
There’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.
According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Ten bucks says that’s in your head for the rest of the day.

8. The stadium, on the inside, is an exact replica of Chase Field in Phoenix. But without the pool. Or the hot ASU students that get paid to sit by the pool wearing almost nothing.

9. I’ve lost way too much money betting on the sausage race. Screw me again Frankie Furter and I’m going Randall Simon on your ass.

10. Jason Kendall is hitting over .500. He needs to realize that he’s not a good player. Soon.