Opening Day for Cubs Fans: We Need a New Shortstop, Left Fielder, Closer, First Baseman, Manager, Clubhouse Attendant...

The work I actually get paid to do has been piling up over the last two weeks, so I’ve been awful about posting. But I can’t let Opening Day go by without at least throwing out a few thoughts about the day’s events. When I’m on Spring Break next week I’ll try to post as often as I can between takes for Girls Gone Wild. I can only lift my shirt up so many times before they ask me to leave. Until then, some thoughts…

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The Extra Innings Freeview might be the smartest marketing ploy Directv has ever done. After one day, I’m already trying to figure out a way to buy it and hide the charge from my wife on the bill. Can’t they just make it a blank charge, like the hotels do with porn? Not that I have ever had “Movie Charge-$14.99” on a hotel bill or anything…

For the first time ever, I actually felt bad for the President when he got the LaTroy Hawkins treatment on his way out to throw out the first pitch at the Nats game on Sunday. Don’t the fans realize that this is the one thing he does that’s actually good?

AT&T is no longer running those godawful Harry Caray commercials. The long national nightmare is over. Dutchie wasn’t too happy about them because they were “jerky.” I wasn’t too happy about them because they weren’t funny. It seems the advertising world so bereft of talent that they’ve had to resort to a parody of a guy who’s been dead 10 years. I guess the guy who does a mean Hack Wilson impression was unavailable.

Is there a reason why all Japanese players must be referred to as “imports?” No players from any other country are referred to that way. They’re not Hyundais, guys.

Don’t think that, up until yesterday, I wasn’t worried that I wasted $100 on a Fukudome jersey.

Now I just have to worry about it getting stored with my Tuffy Rhodes jersey. At least I got one day’s use out of it.

Ryan Theriot. Ugh. This one’s gonna hurt all season. I know, I know…Look how short he is! Look how white he is! Look how dirty his uniform is! He still sucks. You might as well change his number to 0-5.

Wow, the Giants are going to be bad. Like Major League: Back to the Minors bad.

Nothing says “you’re going to have a great fantasy baseball season” like watching your first pick in every league you’re in go down like he was shot in the hamstring. Somebody better pull a Myagi on Victor Martinez or I might as well just hand in my entry fee now.

I know the “Gmail Custom Time” thing is supposed to be an April Fools’ Joke, but it certainly doesn’t dispel the stereotype of tech nerds and their collective sense of humor, does it? “You can set the time back on your emails! Hilarity Ensues!”

If this blog gets shut down in the next 12 hours, that line above will be the reason why. Sorry about the joke All-Powerful-But-Still-Not-Very-Funny Google Internet Czars. It won’t happen again.