What I REALLY Wanted to Write Was...

So I wrote an initial reaction to Monday night's abomination in Arizona in which the Cubs couldn't score a single run against a 134 year old pitcher with a bad back. I also decided to point out the players that have been particularly putrid over the last few days for special commendation. Unfortunately, Jason has yelled at me for swearing too much in my posts, so I've replaced every curse word with a word from this blog. See if you can match up the happy words with the ones I actually wanted to write. It's like Mad-Libs. Or something. Here goes...

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*Cotton candy eating* stupid bunch of mother *basketweaving* pieces of gutless *puppies*. I'd like to walk down to Arizona and tear every hitters' *Northern Exposure on DVDs* off and staple them to the wall. I hate every one of you *marshmallows*.

Bob Howry: Bob Howry can suck my *kittens*. The sooner that piece of *sunshine* is off this team, the better.

Daryle Ward: I have no idea why Daryle Ward's fat *basketweaving* *kitten* is still on this team either. I'm surprised his *basketweaving* *kitten* hasn't eaten his way out of the *basketweaving* league yet. Why don't you drop the *basketweaving* plow and get your stupid *kitten* to first base, you sack of *petrified sock monkeys*.

Derrek Lee: Here's a hint, Derrek-low and outside pitches are *basketweaving* balls. Stop making yourself look like a dumb *kitten* by swinging at them, you lifeless *basketweave*. Thanks for yet another *basketweaving* double-play, "petrified sock monkey" head.

Aramis Ramirez: Hey, its Mr. 0-for Post All Star Break. Why don't you go back to *pinwheel* fighting, because its clear you haven't brought your *pinwheel* back with you from the All Star Game.

Rich Harden: You're pretty good.

Any time you pieces of *walks on the beach* want to get your heads out of your *kittens* and realize that no matter what smoke and mirrors the *wonderful* Cardinals have, they are only two games behind you *basketweaves*. And the Brewers are actually good. I *basketweaving* hate writing that, but the *basketweaving* Brewers are *basketweaving* good. Now start playing *basketweaving* baseball the right *basketweaving* way or someone's going to have to put his foot in every one of your *kittens*. *Basketweave* every one of you.