My No Spring Training, Spring Training

While J wasn’t able to make it down here to AZ this week, I’ve been here since last Friday. I had the week off and need just about zero reasons to get the hell out of Chicago in February. Even if that meant spending most of the week here in Arizona by myself.

Since pitchers and catchers didn’t officially arrive until Wednesday, I didn’t think hanging out at the “bend over, this probably won’t hurt too much” Cubs Souvenir Shop was worth the drive to Mesa. Unfortunately, this means I haven’t spent a whole lot of time (read: none whatsoever) watching the Cubs throw warm up tosses. I drove past Fitch Park on Wednesday, saw my fair share of creepy adult male autograph seekers, and drove on. I’m going to try and catch some of Friday morning’s practice. At the very least, I’d like to get a chance to touch the hand of Rudy Jaramillo and immediately become a Major League .350 hitter. After all, the Cubs have never overstated the impact of a relatively insignificant offseason move, right?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyway…

Even though I’ve been busy doing other things (insert self-serving and Bill Simmons-esque comment about writing a book here) while I’m down here, that’s not to say that there have been no Cubs- or sports-related events to fill a lazy blog post. I’m certain there’s enough to put together a disjointed set of stories about stuff that’s happened down here in Arizona this week. I’m sure that this post will be at least as interesting as every Paul Sullivan puff piece about how “the chemistry is just so much better this year!”

On to the week-in-review…

• On the first day I was here, I managed to see three non-celebrity celebrities: Tom Gorzelanny (slamming a double-double at Inn-n-Out), Bob Davie (out walking with his clone, err, son) and, inexplicably, Matthew Lillard, who apparently was attending some family reunion at the local Marriott. For those wondering who the hell Matthew Lillard is: the only reason I was able to find out his real name was by immediately Googling “Scooby Doo Movie Shaggy.” Do the same and you’ll know who I’m talking about.

• Fun Fact about Matthew Lillard: He’ll be starring in a movie called “Agent 19” this year. The other stars? Geena Davis and Rosie Perez. Apparently Jamie Kennedy and Rae Dawn Chong were unavailable.

• Two years ago, it was “Kobe versus Shaq, Shaq versus Kobe,” last year it was “It’s the All Star Game: Let’s Hope Nobody Gets Shot." This year, the Phoenix scene couldn’t get enough of “Amare! Will they or won’t they?” I never thought I could care about NBA basketball, but just being down here (where the Suns are to Phoenix like the Bears are to Chicago) and immersed in it made me interested. Not enough to actually subject myself to watch an actual NBA game, of course.

• Tasti D-Lite has come to Scottsdale. Just plain awesome. I’m pretty sure that the benefit of 90 calorie ice cream cups is mitigated by the fact that I ate about 700 of them.

• Sociological Epiphany of the Week: If you’re white, male, between 28-40 and dressed decently, you can pretty much get away with anything. While I’m sure every non-white person reading this right now is saying “no shit, loser,” let me backtrack: this wasn’t so much of an epiphany as simply a series of situations this week in which this fact was made abundantly clear. I’ve spent pretty much every day crashing pools and gyms at much nicer hotels than the one I’m staying at. Not once have I been stopped, asked to show my room key, or questioned whatsoever. Now, after writing this, I’m sure I’ll be writing a post tomorrow from the security office at the Phoenecian.

• My hotel is very close to the TPC Scottsdale, where the Phoenix Open will be held next week. They’ve changed the named to the “Waste Management Open.” Seriously. The Waste Management Open. I don’t even have a joke here. Not even a stupid Tiger-related one.

• While the majority of the week was decidedly sans-Cubs, there was one Cubs-related incident that was noteworthy. I’m simply going to copy-and-paste the email I sent to J.Dot on Wednesday. Here goes:

I was at a gas station about a mile and a half from HoHo Kam today. As I finished filling up, some ridiculous salesman came up to me (with a weird, chubby "assistant") to try and sell me on some car cleaner "endorsed by NASCAR!" He showed me all the ways in which this cleaner would be great for the car I was driving. I waited for him to finish his sales pitch before I told him that the car I was filling up was a rental and I didn't need car cleaner. That didn't stop him; he continued his sales pitch unabated for another 2-3 minutes before I just had to say "enough-I said no." The guy shook my hand and thanked me while still getting one more pitch in. It was exhausting.

As he finished, Ted Lilly began filling up his SUV at the station next to mine. The guy moved away from me as quickly as possible, dragging the chubby assistant to Lilly's car, readying his relentless sales pitch. Before the salesman said a word, Lilly looked at him. Stared at him for about 2 seconds and said not a word.

The salesman walked away without a single sentence.


That salesman recognized.

-------
And that just about sums up my non-Cubs-Spring-Training Week at Cubs Spring Training. Given my expectations for the Cubs this year, maybe not seeing them in person is for the best: there’s only so many times you can sit through Spring Training practice, talk yourself into this team during the following four weeks, then get kicked in the crotch over the next 162 games.


So there’s that.


Hooray?

Spring Training? Pfft.

Around a year ago at this time, Martin and I were sitting in the cool grass of the Chicago Cubs practice facility in Mesa, smiling and exchanging "how great is this?" looks. It was the beginning days of Spring Training 2009. Hope springs eternal, as they say.

All around us, players from every level of the Cubs organization played catch, ran the bases and took batting practice as a few hundred fans quietly looked on. We sat there that morning, as we did every morning that week, just in awe of how great it was to be around our favorite team as they prepared for another season. It's a feeling that every Cubs fan should experience once in their lives. It's called "joy." Forget the expectations and the heartbreak. Forget the broken promises and the bad offseason moves. It's grown men playing a game we all love and it's flippin' awesome to be around it, even for a few days.

Or is it?

Thanks to some things out of my control, I will not be making the trip to Arizona this year to bask in the glory of another season's first baby steps. And you know what? I'm glad I'm not going. It's awful. Confused? Good.

Here's the thing. I DO want to be there...more than I probably let on. In fact, I'd sell half the stuff I own to finance the trip if it wasn't for Mrs. J dot's silly "You Can't Sell Half You Own to Finance the Trip" rule (she has very specific rules, I know). The reality is that I can't go and it sucks. So, in order to make myself feel better about not being able to go to wonderful place described in the paragraph above, I have decided to focus on why being at Cubs Spring Training blows.

Brilliant, eh? Let's do this.

Five Reasons Spring Training "Stinks"

1) Despite being a giant desert, Arizona ain't all that warm in February.

I know what your thinking, "But J dot, it's currently 27 degrees in Chicago and the high this week isn't going north of 35, how can you complain about the weather in AZ?" First off, that's a very long question. Second off, cuz I said so. 70 degrees may sound warm when you are digging your car our of two feet of snow, but when you are there, it's downright nippy. I had to wear a jacket to each day's practice...a JACKET! I mean, it was a windbreaker and I was wearing shorts and flip-flops with said jacket, but still. Brrrrr!

2) Bunting drills aren't nearly as exciting as they sound.

Ever see a pitcher bunt in a game? Pretty awful right? Ever see him do it over and over for five days? Yeah, thought so. To make matters worse, when you get to watch them PRACTICE bunting for a week, it makes it one billion times more annoying when they whiff in a REAL game. Trust me.

3) It's socially frowned upon to drink before noon, so no beer with your baseball (drills).

They DO sell it at the practice facility, however, when the line is full of 70-year-0ld retirees getting a cup of joe or hot chocolate (see #1), you feel like you're being filmed for an installment of A&E's Intervention when you place your order. In interest of full disclosure, I only know this because I have in fact bought a beer at 10 AM under the "it's noon somewhere rule." Only one, I swear. The white-haired lady behind the counter shook her head at me and (probably) muttered a prayer about my soul as she cracked my Bud tallboy. Not good times.

4) They only practice until noon, so you have to fill the rest of your day with drinking in a hot tub and/or golfing.

OK, that's a bad example. Scratch that one. Let's try again.

4) The amount of douchey ball "hawks" and autograph seekers.

They are everywhere down there...stealing foul balls from kids (and bragging about it), screaming at players to sign their 8x10 glossies and just generally sucking all the fun out of life. Tons of fat dudes with mustaches sporting fanny packs stuffed with things they need signed for their "kids." If you are able to go three days around these asshats and not begin planning an elaborate murder involving a poisoned hot dog, a bag of lye, a shovel and a trip into the desert, than you're a better man than me.

5) Hope

It happens. Stupid hope.

Go Cubs.

PS. If after reading all the bad things about spring training, you still want to go, our friends over at College of Idiots have got you covered.

Can Spring Training Go On Without Us?

Sad news four (probably less than that now) readers, after two years of bringing you the very best of the Cubs wind sprints and fielding drills LIVE from Mesa, it appears very likely that half of our crack reporting team won't be making the trip this year.

This begs the question, if the pitchers and catchers report and FOTG isn't there to make fun of it, did it really happen?

Tune in tomorrow to find out why...

Go Cubs.

Finally, An Excuse to Break Out the Old #20!

As the proud owner of the above jersey, which I believe I purchased right before he blew out his knee in 2003 (you're welcome), I was excited to see this news over the weekend.

Brewers Sign Corey Patterson

Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

First, an apology to my four readers (if you're still checking the site) for my absence over the past couple of weeks. I have been shirking my (nearly) once a week posting responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I could make up some elaborate story involving a South American drug cartel and an exchange that went bad, but I respect you all too much for that. Truthfully, I was lazy and the Cubs were (mostly) playing like poop. Apart from the Cardinal series, which every Cubs fan is contractually obligated to watch, I really wasn't even watching them play that much for fear of a remote control becoming lodged in my nice TV.

So when I left on a trip to to Bar Harbor last week for some R&R and my brother's wedding, I wasn't that concerned that I would be unable to see my beloved team play. In fact, I was relishing the chance to hear nothing about them for nearly a week.

I learned a lot about the Cubs (among other things) during my trip and I thought I might share them with you.

1) Vacationing with Cubs fans makes ignoring them impossible.

Of the 100 people at the wedding, I would guess that nearly half were from Chicago and 90% of those were Cubs fans. That meant no matter where I went last week, the Cubs were there with me. At the bar, someone was always telling me the score. At the pool, someone always wanted to discuss last night's game. At the wedding, we were always circling back to discussions that were Cubs related. There was no avoiding them. Next time I'm going to Papua New Guinea...alone.

2) It's easier to pretend you don't care when the Nationals are prominently involved.

Sweet eight pound baby Jesus are the Nats terrible. They are so bad that it's not even jinx-worthy to assume a series victory and not really that big of a leap of faith to predict a sweep. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to "ignore" the games.

3) USA Today has the worst sports section in the world.

When you aren't paying attention to scores at night and have little access to the Internet while on vacation, the morning paper is your best friend. Unless, however, that paper is the USA Today. So when I opened up the sports section on Friday morning in hopes of checking the box scores, imagine my shock when the paper listed to final scores. TWO. The Cubs game and one other. Apparently, the USA Today goes to press around 9 PM ET so even games like Reds at Brewers get the "late game" treatment. How can you even call it a sports section when you report on 2 of 16 games each night?

4) XM Radio kicks ass. The Nats announcers do not.
As we began our trip back to the airport in the rental car, I discovered the wonder that is XM radio and their MLB Play-By-Play stations. Any game you want, even the Nats, is just a button click away. Unfortunately, however, you are subjected to the hometown announcers and the Nationals have a couple of mouth-breathers. Before the game got mercifully out of hand, we had to listen to a 15-minute story about Hawaii's minor league team that had nothing to do with the game followed (without segue) by what seemed like a two-hour story about pancakes. Throw in the fact that they refused to tell us what was happening most of the time and almost never referred to the Cubs players by name and it may have been the worst announcing crew I have ever heard.

Hawk Harrelson, I owe you an apology.

Go Cubs.

Is There Anyone We Can Beat?

Something happened (again) yesterday as I watched another Cubs game.

I gave up.

That's right.

I gave up the moment the Cubs found themselves down TWO runs.

During other seasons, channel surfing during a Cubs game was a no-no for me. The only exceptions were 10+ run deficits, Bob Howry appearances or Top Gun.

Not so much this year. Heck, I thought about turning it off after a run scored FROM SECOND on a wild pitch. FROM SECOND! And don't even get me started on the whole second and third with no outs bed-crapping suckfest in the 8th (I feel bad for those of you who were still watching).

To make matters worse, it was the Pirates. The 36-41 Pirates (which sounds really bad until I realized the Cubs were 36-38...kill me now). To make matters even worser (yes, I'm aware that is not a word, but somehow it seems perfect for this team), Lilly was on the mound. That's Ted Lilly, your Chicago Cubs 2009 All-Star.

Maybe this is the low point. Not this game, but this road trip. Maybe Aramis will ride in on his white stallion and save the season. Maybe Smarj is the stabilizing force the bullpen needs. Maybe Soriano can remember that bat must meet ball to produce a hit. Maybe Lee can keep his hot streak going. Maybe Fontenot will slip in the shower and none of us will have to watch him bat EVER again this year.

That's a lot of maybes, I know. But when I find myself watching America's Got Talent INSTEAD of the Cubs games, that's all I've got.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Vendors Can't Even Be Original At Racism

Thanks to SportsByBrooks for the pic of this moronic shirt being sold at Wrigley today.

Kudos to the idiot who stole the idea from some idiotic Cards fan and made a sad knock-off version.

Well done, sir.

On a lighter, less racist note, there's this:



Awesome even without a translation.

Go Cubs.

A Two Game Series is Perfect

Sadly, the first game of the 2009 Cubs/Sox series was rained out last night. For 39,000+ soaked and (probably) hammered fans of both teams, it was a huge downer. But for me, it was perfect.

Why?

Because now they can tie.

I know, try to contain your excitement.

Over the past few months, one of the few things Cubs and Sox fans can agree on is that their team's 2009 campaigns have been...what's the best way to put this...hot-poker-in-the-eye awful. Both teams have struggled out of the gates. Both teams have managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on multiple occasions. Both clubs have forgotten how to hit, field, catch, run and in Milton Bradley's case a little bit of all four with a side of poor math skills.

So when the skies opened up yesterday afternoon, I prayed for a rain out. With a makeup date not yet announced, a rain out meant a two game series. Which, if the season so far is any indication, made it a lot easier for the Cubs to not screw this up. One win gets the Cubs a tie. Heck, two wins...ah, nevermind, who am I kidding.

So thank you rain gods for giving fans on both ends of the Red Line something we haven't had in awhile...hope. Hope that after Thursday's game, we will both be no worse off.

What a season, eh?

Go Cubs.

PS. I am going to the game on Thursday, so pray the Cubs win today or me and my 13-game losing streak will make all this series split stuff a moot point.

The Curse of the Z No-No

The goat has absolved me of my sin.

Ok, so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that after months of racking my brain, trying to figure out what has turned the Cubs from favorites to frustrating-as-f#&k...I finally figured it out. As it turns out, it isn't the DeRo trade. Nor the bullpen. It's not the poor play of Soto and Bradley. It isn't even the injury to Aramis. No, sadly the lackluster play of the Cubs since the end of the 2008 regular season is the result of something...else.

Which brings me to the bad news.

This is all my fault.

As I mentioned in my 90210 Playoff Preview last September, there was a certain game last year in Milwaukee that I kinda, sorta missed.

Let's let 2008 J Dot explain:

In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about it. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize.

Yeah, I know. I am not the brightest knife in the chandelier. But don't worry it gets much, much worse.

After the regular season ended, WGN decided to re-air the Zambrano no-hitter for those of us dumb enough to have missed it the first time. So, I recorded it. But with the playoffs just around the corner, I never got around to watching it.

So...

When the Cubs crapped the bed and made a quick exit in the playoffs, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the Jim Hendry went bat-shit crazy on us and traded away not one, but TWO clubhouse leaders and replaced them with "players" like Kevin Gregg and Aaron Miles, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the bullpen forgot how to make the round white thing go over the pentagon-shaped white thing, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When players started dropping like flies and the bats took a sabbatical, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

Now, I wonder what the common denominator was during this fun little eight-month tailspin?

Oh. Right. My bad.

But have no fear, my four readers, there is a silver lining. I deleted the game (without watching it of course, I'm not a complete idiot) on Friday morning. Since then, the Cubs are 2-1.

Curse lifted.

You're welcome.

Go Cubs.

Do Something, ANYTHING!

His jersey fit the last time the Cubs did something interesting.

Other than committing felony assault on innocent Gatorade machines, when was the last time the Cubs did anything worth watching? Sure they have won a few here and there. Heck, they even split the series with the "NL Best" LA Dodgers. But were any of those games fun to watch?

No.

Now that the Bulls and Blackhawks are out of the playoffs, it's time for the Cubs to step up to the plate (pun intended) and start being at least remotely entertaining.

Bring on the circus catches, the late inning rallies, the tape measure HR shots, the...aww, who am I kidding. Just start scoring some damn runs so I don't start seriously considering watching I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

Go Cubs.

PS. I was gonna live-blog the game tonight, but decided against it for obvious reasons. I will be "tweeting" about it, however. Feel free to check it out here.

PPS. Soriano homered as I was writing this post. I will now begin to eat crow.