Wow.

Go Cubs.

Lay off the Irony Pills

Cubs.com has a knack for putting the most ironic stories/pictures possible in their headlines. So was it a shock that today, the day after Ronny Cedeno has what is possibly the Single Worst At Bat by a Major League Baseball Player in the History of the Game Going Back to Abner Fucking Doubleday, is it at all surprising that this is the headline?

As someone privy to the inner workings of the editorial staff at Cubs.com (read: not privy to anything at all), I was able to find out which headlines were actually intended for this morning's cubs.com front page. Among them:

Eric Patterson Adjusting Quickly to Demands of Left Field

Henry Blanco: Superclutch

Murton Fast Becoming Best Pinch Hitting Option

The Daryle Ward Diet Newest Fad in Hollywood

Sean Marshall: Everything Zambrano is, and He's a Lefty!

DeRosa and Wife Very Happy; Reportedly States He "Would Never Publicly Grope a Nineteen Year Old Country Singer"

Wuertz Unflappable When Team Not Perfect Behind Him

Edmonds Not Working Out As Well As Hoped; Message Board Posters Right Again
Then again, maybe I'm just a little annoyed that they lost at home. It seems like forever since they won at Wrigley. What's the matter with this team?

Welcome Back

To the man with the biggest smile on the Cubs...

and also one of the biggest asses...

those of us at FOTG just wanted to say...good to have you back, Daryle.

Go Cubs.

Not Forgetting Alexis Marshall

Dear Alexis-

Its good to have you back with the big club.

I know it must have been tough watching your husband toil away in Iowa, what with all the water and stuff. I'm sure you did your best to help him through that time while you were in Phoenix, where there are plenty of healthy and mentally stable people there to take care of you.

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a note and let you know that we here at FOTG are very excited to have you back periodically on our television sets, as you graciously allow Bob Brenly to gawk at you and stumble over his words.

Sincerely,

The Losers at Five Outs To Go


P.S. Do your best to make sure your husband doesn't suck ass.

Weekend Roundup

According to Pat Hughes, today is the first day in the 13 years he has been the Cubs broadcaster that the Cubs have been more than 4 games ahead of the Cardinals. I have no idea if that's true, but...ugh.

Department of Redundancy Department: Joe Morgan=Asshat. And now, a liar too.

The Cubs are still trying to save face on the $10 million they gave to Szmardksfsdfdlkhdfliudfhlw. Despite a near 5 ERA at AA, he's George Jefferson.

The White Sox whine and bitch about Wrigley Field, and (possibly) call the stadium security to eject hecklers, and the Cubs say nothing and just beat their asses. Well, maybe they said a little bit.

Carlos Zambrano: Not Gay. And he'll prove it. On the mound. Or something.
*linked to google's cached copy because chicagosports.com took the story down.


Paul Sullivan needs to stop whining about players who don't suck up to him. Of the "Best/Worst of the weekend," Aramis Ramirez gets "best player," but every "worst" is a Cub, for no other reason than they don't give good quotes.

Carlos Marmol needs to adjust his release point. Just don't make the same "adjustments" Shane Falco made.

Speaking of everyone's favorite headcase, his start on Friday was nosogood. He's being sent to Mesa for a "mental break." In with the good air, out with the bad air...in with the good air, out with the bad air...

Unrelated Post of the Month Part Two: RIP George

He was one of the truly gifted ones...

It's racist as hell, but at least we made the front page.

Went to ESPN.com this morning and was greeted by this image.


Thanks ESPN for proving that the easiest way to turn us from "lovable losers" to "racist assholes" is one embarrassing picture. What's the matter, couldn't you find a picture of some douche wearing the Horry Cow t-shirt?

BTW, the rising sun background is a nice touch too. Apparently subtlety isn't a job requirement for ESPN web designers. Asshats.

On a happier note, ESPN's own Gene Wojciechowski put together a nice piece about the Cubs that should help you put off hanging yourself for at least a few hours. My favorite part:

Chicago Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol plopped down on the billowy leather recliner in the visitors' clubhouse, leaned back in one of those "ahhhhh" moments … and then fell head over heels backward.

Reliever Scott Eyre, talking on his cell, let Marmol struggle for a few seconds, leaned the phone to the side and said, "Hold on a second. Marmol just fell over." And then he helped drag Marmol from the recliner.

Quality.

UPDATE: Good news. Check out that same pic on ESPN's PAGE 2. Now featuring double the pixels of intolerance! Hooray!


Go Cubs.

Its Tallest Midget Weekend!

In a town near where I grew up, their yearly festival was called “Dick Tracy Days.” It started in 1990, seemingly to honor the guy who created the comic strip and who happened to die in that town in 1985. More importantly, it was an attempt to capitalize on the fact that the movie was coming out that summer. It was a bit forced, a bit cheesy, but you excused it because there was at least one or two necessary tie-ins that made it make sense and, well, people seemed to be having a good time.

This festival recurred each summer for the next seventeen years.

By my senior year of high school, I had no idea why the hell they felt the need to celebrate a movie that (a.) was pretty much a flop, and (b.) was, by that point, six years in the past. It seemed ridiculous. Yet they did it year after year. After year. After year. ELEVEN MORE TIMES. (Appropriately enough, this same town was the place they filmed “Groundhog Day.”) It became an outdated, boring, and truly pointless endeavor that no longer had any reason to exist. It was the vestigial festival.

So what does this have to do with the Cubs? Simple: the Cubs-White Sox series is the baseball equivalent of the Dick Tracy Days.
Read More...

It was fine the first year or two: at the very least, there were now at least three games a season in which people would go into the upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field. Eleven years later, the Cubs and White Sox have played 60 times, the series is tied 30-30, and this “tradition” gets dumber each year. Let me count the reasons why:

1.It ratchets up the stupid obsession some Sox fans have for all things Cub. By this point, everyone knows that a decent portion of the White Sox fanbase would prefer that the Cubs lose even over a White Sox win. This certainly isn't all Sox fans, but it describes a huge majority of the ones who feel the need to show up at Wrigley for the Cubs-Sox series (as well as the ones who would feel the need to angrily respond to this post). It is also clear that a large portion of the Cubs fan base couldn't pick Alexei Ramirez out of a lineup, and even more importantly, don't give a shit. This utter apathy the majority of Cubs fans have for the White Sox absolutely irritates the hell out of those same obsessed Sox fans, and the two series the teams play each year are the opportunity they have to “show them Cub queers what's what.” This, of course, brings out the only-slightly-beneath-the-surface asshat in the Cubs fans dumb enough to really want to go to these games. Yay.

2.There is no respite from the stupidity. For the most part, at any given Cubs game, if you avoid the bleachers you can probably watch the game without (a) the desire to castrate at least four shirtless buffoons who are still wondering why Sammy's not playing today, or (b) some kind of rain slicker to keep the spilled beer off you. Unfortunately, during the Cubs-Sox series, the bleacher fans spill into the rest of the ballpark. At the three or four Cubs/Sox games I've gone to over the last ten years, I've spent equal time loathing ridiculous “O ee O...Magglio” chants (Wizard of Oz references? Really?) and watching idiotic Cubs fans (who are probably the same douchebags who wear the “Horry Cow” shirts) try and match the level of imported south side stupidity in the ballpark. For six games, Wrigley Field and U.S. Cellular become the Mecca and Medina of stupid.

3. There is absolutely nothing fun about the games, win or lose. If the Cubs lose, you have to listen to the future William Ligues of the world spout off some utterly creative one-liner like “100 Years!” or the slightly more intellectual “Cubs still suck!” If they win, you get to hear the exact same one-liners. The wins and losses don't even matter—its like the game is secondary to the opportunity for the mouth breathers from both sides of town to hold off on calling into the Mike North show for a few hours and catch a game.


After 60 meetings between these two teams, the only thing I want to know after a Cubs win against the White Sox is what the Cardinals and Brewers did. There is no extra satisfaction, other than the joy of knowing that there is one less piece of ammo for the idiot in the next cubicle who needs White Sox victories to somehow offset the fact that he got passed over for the promotion (again!) by his asshole boss, who happens to be from Winnetka and has a picture of Ron Santo in his office.

So, in an act that symbolizes better than any other the relationship between Cubs and Sox fans, I sold my tickets (at about five times face value) to a White Sox fan. He gets to go to the Most Important Games of the Year, and I made enough cash to pay for tickets to just about every Cubs-Brewers game for the rest of the year.

Sure, I'd enjoy the hell out of a Cubs sweep, but not a whole lot more than a sweep of, say, the Mets. And I'll gladly trade getting swept by the White Sox in exchange for a 22-0 record against the Brewers and Cardinals for the rest of the year...you know, the games that actually make a significant difference in terms of which team from the NL Central will go to the playoffs. Instead, I get to enjoy ten days packed full of the only thing I truly despise about Chicago baseball. Somebody wake me when this is over.

No Seriously! It's Falling!

Three in a row. Let's just go home boys. 3.5 games up (thank you KC) Milwaukee closing in. If you need me, I'll be in the corner carving "please just be a strain" into the wall over and over.

Go Cubs.

P.S. Tigers are making a run. Shout out to every one's favorite effeminate red-headed bartender.

P.P.S. He's pretty sick right now, so get your "Make a Wish" dollars ready.
(HINT: He wants, for once, to be a normal blond-haired boy)

P.P.P.S. He is also a fan of the blog and...well...not dying. Just so we are clear, cuz I know he will read this...

If you want to drink beer (or wine) and watch a sporting event, there is no better place than FINLEY DUNNES (3458 N. Lincoln). When you decide to make the right choice and choose FINLEY DUNNES (3458 N. Lincoln), you can do no better than Mike...GM, Bartender, Father, MSU Grad, non-conformist to normal hair color, all around good guy.

Go Cubs.

I Refuse to Address this Situation And I'm Sure it Will Go Away

When I was a kid, I used to close my eyes when big storms were on the horizon, because in my 7 year old mind, if I didn't see it, it wasn't happening. That's how I'm dealing with last night's situation with Zambrano. And that's all I'm going to write.


(Thanks to Timmy B on Desipio for the image)


UPDATE: Lou was just on WGN radio and said that, in his (nonmedical) opinion, it was more likely minor and not major, a tendinitis-type thing, and "50/50 whether he goes on the 15 day DL." Not time to breathe easy yet, but cautious optimism abounds.

UPDATE #2: From ESPN:

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. -- Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano will miss his next scheduled start because of shoulder trouble and will undergo an MRI exam Friday.


Zambrano left Wednesday night's game at Tampa Bay because of discomfort in his right shoulder. He was examined Thursday in Chicago by team orthopedist Dr. Stephen Gryzlo.

Zambrano, 8-3 with a 3.13 ERA in 16 starts for the NL Central leaders, had been set to pitch Tuesday night at home against Baltimore.

"I don't think there's a possibility at all," Cubs manager Lou Piniella said before the series finale against the Rays.

Zambrano was originally set to have an MRI exam Thursday. The Cubs decided to instead schedule an MRI arthrogram, a test in which dye is injected into the problem area to provide a more detailed look.

"I hope it's not serious," Piniella said. "I hope we find out what's wrong and we can take care of it in short order."

I guess that's better news. But as I said in the comments, until they rule out amputation, I'm not gonna stop worrying.

Go Cubs.