Hendry Continues to Trade For Pitchers NOT Named Peavy

According to my "sources" (read:ESPN), the Cubs have made another blockbuster trade.

Out:
Ronny "What, who me?" Cedeno
Garrett "Oh, come on, I just got here!" Olson

In:
Aaron "Older, Less Talented Version of Peavy" Heilman

ESPN's Jerry Crasnick adds:

Olson had been mentioned as a potential trade chip if the Cubs decided to make another run at San Diego's Jake Peavy. The Cubs' deal with Seattle could put an end to speculation about the team trying to acquire Peavy.

Apparently, Jerry hasn't spent a whole lot of time reading the newspapers in this city. There won't be an end to the speculation just because Olson is gone. The writers will just replace all references to "Olson" with "Heilman" in their old articles and run them again as the latest "rumor" about the imminent Peavy trade. Good times.

Personally, I will miss Ronny. He was like a taller, less likeable version of Augie Ojeda.

Go Cubs.

Alyssa wants...

"I know I am engaged and everything, but nothing gets me hotter than a new College of Idiots post."

Go Cubs.

Cubs Get the Ricket(t)s

Beat that Sun-Times!

Breaking news tonight, the winning bid for the rights to negotiate with Jake Peavy's agent goes to the Ricketts family for a recession "discount" of:

900 Million.

Hooray?

Go Cubs.

Yes We Can.

Go Cubs.

Margin of Error on Pie's Five-Tool Evaluation Appears to be Five

As I'm sure my three readers already know, "top prospect" Felix Pie was traded to the Baltimore Orioles over the weekend.

From the Trib:

The Cubs waved goodbye Sunday to another center fielder of the future, trading Felix Pie to Baltimore for two young pitchers.

Once considered a five-tool prospect and the best player in the Cubs' farm system, Pie never panned out in stints with the Cubs in 2007 and '08.

Of course, the other "center fielder of the future" they are referencing is former Cub (and Oriole, oddly) Corey Patterson, another guy who was touted as a "five-tool player." Hmm, I think I'm sensing a pattern developing here.

There was a time not too long ago (think the Jerome Walton era) when prospects were just "good" or "not terrible" or even "less shitty than their predecessors." But with the invention of the interwebs and the increased scrutiny placed on each team's farm system, phrases like "five-tool" began to creep into the lexicon. For those of you unclear on this five-tool concept, it basically means a player is great in five categories:

1) Hitting for Power
2) Hitting for Average
3) Fielding
4) Throwing
5) Running

Think Willie Mays, Duke Snider, pre-steroids Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr. when he could still walk upright. In other words, players who were better than everyone at everything. Unfortunately for Cubs fans, our version of a "five-tool player" is a tad different. A five-tool Cub is a player who:

1) Stumbles into the occasional long ball
2) Hits balls fair more than foul (or not at all)
3) Catches balls hit in his general direction
4) Throws balls at or near cutoff men
5) Runs like he has in fact "dropped the plow"

Needless to say, Cubs fans have been less than thrilled with our version of these "five-tool" players. For us, phrases like "can't miss" and "highly-touted" translate to "overrated" and "god-awful." Throw out the injury-shortened season where Patterson was starting to figure it out and the Cubs have yet to have a five-tool prospect succeed at the pro level.

What's even more frustrating is that they both often showed signs of greatness. Along with the aforementioned "breakout season" for Patterson, we have seen glimpses of their potential. There have been breath-taking catches, eye-popping lasers to the plate, jaw-dropping speed on the bases and even flashes of power that lasted more than one plate appearance.

But for every game that made Brenly say "I think the light just came on for him," there were 25 games where it was hard to believe either had played baseball before. To make matters worse (impossible, I know), both players were slow to adapt their game when they struggled. Corey hated to run or to use his speed in any way to help the team. Pie had a stroke so long that after strikeouts, the ball could go around the horn TWICE before he had completed his swing. To the casual fan, they appeared arrogant, selfish and a tad "prickish."

So they struggled and management made excuses.

"Be patient," they said.

"It's only a matter of time," they pleaded.

"They've been successful at every level," they harped.

But they never panned out. Patterson was booed out of town and thanks to a renewed urgency to "win now," the Cubs decided they couldn't wait around for Pie to stop swinging out of his shoes 4 times a game. Could Pie be good at some point? Maybe. Should the Cubs have waited to find out? No.

We all understand that evaluating prospects is a tricky business. As Hendry mentioned:

I don't think Soto was ever in the top 10, and I know Theriot was probably never in the top 30.

True. But neither of those two were "five-tool."

Maybe that's a good thing.

Go Cubs.

The Unified Scene. Plus Baseball. Yay!

As a card carrying member of the loser brigade, I list two things that I would be willing to travel to see. The first of which is baseball (which, of course, will be evident in exactly 28 days when I board a plane to get the hell out of the weather and into AZ for year two of the FOtG Spring Training nerdstravaganza). The second is a Hold Steady show.

The Hold Steady has been the best live band in America for at least the last three years running and regardless of your musical tastes, seeing a Hold Steady show will simply reconfirm your faith in humanity. There are very few things like a show in which five middle aged guys who look more like accountants can produce enough energy that people are willing to furiously and continually jump up and down for two straight hours, pausing for only seconds to slam whatever $2 beer happens to be on special that night. I have seen this band roughly 6-7 times in the last three years and cannot once say I left disappointed.

So to see that the Hold Steady was going to headline the annual Len and Bob bash meant two things: (1.) I need to once again congratulate these two for actually knowing a band that has created relevant music in the last 40 years (something their predecessors behind the mic did not), and (2.) I needed to bite the bullet and, for the first time in years, pay the ridiculous fees Ticketbastard charges (2 $28 tickets=$85. What. The. Fuck.) in order to go to this show.

And, of course, the show didn’t disappoint. I figured I’d compile a few thoughts that crossed my mind during the show:

Girls are angry part one: Ryan Dempster introduced Tom Morello, the opener. My wife’s comment: “Keep track of where he sits. Ryan and I need to have a chat about game one. Asshole.”

Overheard at least 4 times during Morello’s set: “Hey, is this the Guitar Hero Guy?” Ugh.

The two fucksticks behind me felt the need to Boo loudly every time the word “Cubs” was mentioned. At a benefit. For Cubs charities. Which helps kids. Apparently, there were no third base coaches to assault on the way to the show.

Saying Tom Morello is “a little” political is like saying Ronny Cedeno is “kinda” dumb or Cardinals fans “sort of” like jean shorts. The guy has a lot to say about the state of the country.

Morello closed with “This Land is Your Land.” The losers behind me booed again. So far, they hate baseball and America. I hope someone mentions puppies so they can complete the trifecta.

Len and Bob joined the head of Cubs Charities (boo!) to present the check for just over $41,000. Well done, gentlemen.

Girls are angry part two: Accepting the check, the Cubs Charities guy commended the bash by saying “two years of the Len and Bob bash, two division championships!” Some girl in front of me shouts “They’re not paid to win division championships, they’re paid to win the fucking World Series!” Yikes.

The Hold Steady open with “Stay Positive.” Can’t say that about the women in the audience.

After ripping through 7-8 songs, Craig Finn stops to mention his allegiance to the Minnesota Twins who, in his words, “have had a great offseason. We’ve added…nobody. At least we’ll be familiar with all the players next year.”

The waitresses are just walking through the crowd holding cases of Bud Light in the air. And charging $6 per can. Welcome to the House of Blues Sponsored by Bernie Maddof. Can’t they at least try to hide the fact that they’re charging $6 a can for a beer that costs $12 per case at the grocery store? Thanking my waitress for my beers just now kinda felt like high-fiving your rapist.

More Finn: “Everybody here comes from a different place and supports a different team. But there’s one thing we can all agree on: The Yankees suck.”

I always appreciate a musician more when they display even the slightest aptitude for baseball. And don’t wear skinny jeans.

Closing song for the night: “How a Resurrection Really Feels.” As the song kicks into gear after a lull, confetti is dropped into the group, the house lights go up and the crowd explodes. Hooray music.

Valet guys might be the greatest human beings on the planet. God damn its cold. Why the hell do I live here?

All in all, a great set (as usual). Morello was solid and the Hold Steady were, as usual, rawkstars. On a night where the wind chill reached -40 degrees, it was nice to remember that baseball isn’t far away. I can’t wait to start the “hopeful-happy-nervous-happy-nervous-angry” cycle that begins every year in February . Here’s to baseball. And great music.

Sox End Search For Big Name Pitcher One Word Short

The Trib is reporting today that the White Sox are on the verge of bringing back the slightly svelte Bartolo Colon with a one-year incentive-laden deal. Unfortunately, they took the high-road with their assessment of his...abilities.

"No one is sure what Colon has left in his 5-foot-11-inch, 250-plus-pound body. He started only seven games for Boston last year but won four of them before straining his back while batting in an interleague game."

Boring.

Thankfully, the Sun-Times was more than ready to step in with a zinger about his weight.

"The White Sox were looking to add a veteran pitcher to compete in the starting rotation at some point this offseason, and all signs pointed toward it being the pitcher nicknamed "Big Game.''

Rather than take a chance on the ailing shoulder of Freddy Garcia, however, they are now poised to ink a certain right-hander known more for his "Big Waist.''"

Tee-hee!

Get it? He wrote 'waist' instead of 'waste' because Colon is fat. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low as to attack a person's "dietary issues."

Personally, I think this signing is a giant mistake for the White Sox, not that my opinion carries much weight. Colon will turn 36 this year, which isn't a huge deal unless you care about velocity or durability. I mean, you have to be pretty thick in the head to think that the "4 wins in 7 starts" he posted last year is ample enough evidence to give him a shot. I understand that the contract isn't large by any means, but I doubt White Sox fans are getting a chubby thinking about Colon on the mound.

At least they still have Buehrle.

Go Cubs.

Prior a Dad Again!

masculine, noun.

1. (papá) father

Whatever, it was a slow news day, so sue me.

I particularly enjoyed what the "Padres Blog” had to say about the signing.

"Signed for $1 million by the Padres last offseason, Prior suffered setbacks in his recovery from shoulder surgery and needed additional surgery that ended his season. He never appeared in a game, either in spring training or during the season."

Setback?

Dictionary.com (sorry) defines a setback as:

1. An unanticipated or sudden check in progress; a change from better to worse.

Unanticipated?

Unless you get your sports news only once every 10 years, probably not.

Sudden?

If glaciers are sudden, then yes.

A change from better to worse?

His arm is still attached to his body so I guess technically it didn’t get any worse.

Good news is he only got signed to a minor league deal AND they also signed Chris Burke who dropped these numbers last year in a 165 AB.

.194, 20 Runs, 12 RBI, 2 HR.

Kudos, Padres.

Go Cubs.

Grace Falls Short of HOF Yet Again.

Sad news out of Cooperstown today as former Cub first baseman and "slump-buster" aficionado Mark Grace was denied entry into the Hall of Fame once again. Needing 75% of the vote to be inducted, Mark's 21 votes left him a mere 70.9% away from baseball immortality. Two other former Cubs, Andre Dawson and Lee Smith also fell short this year.

While the results were far from shocking, there was one thing that stood out...

Jay FUCKING Bell received TWO votes.

That's right, TWO "experts" thought that Jay Bell deserved to be in the HALL OF FAME. Not the Pittsburgh Pirates Hall of Fame or the Arizona Diamondbacks Hall of Fame or even the "People Born at Eglin Air Force Base" Hall of Fame, I mean the ACTUAL Hall of Fame.

In fact, he received DOUBLE the number of votes as Jesse Orosco! So according to my math, they think he is twice as good as Jesse Orosco! For shame!

And people wonder why no one cares about the HOF anymore.

In case you aren't a fan of Mr. Bell (and I don't know why you would be), here are his career stats according to his Wiki page:

In his career, Bell batted for .265, with 195 home runs, 868 runs batted in, 1123 runs scored, 394 doubles, 67 triples and 91 stolen bases. He also won the Gold Glove award in 1993 and was selected to the All-Star game the same year and in 1999.

Those stats got him not one but TWO votes, proving once and for all that baseball writers are morons.

The defense rests, your honor.

Go Cubs.

5 Weeks Seems Like Forever

Yeah, I agree. Why in the world would ANYONE want to go to AZ for spring training? It's a real puzzler.

Go Cubs.