My Wife is Pissed

In not-really-that-shocking news, your Chicago Cubs have traded dreamboat Mark DeRosa to the Cleveland Indians for three minor leaguers. Talking with Martin earlier, we came to the conclusion that this is probably the precursor to a Peavy dead (or at least that's what we are hoping). If that is the case, I can live with this trade as long as the Bradley deal is as done as they are saying. Otherwise, it seems downright idiotic to get rid of a guy who can play at least 4 positions and is one of the club's most consistent hitters. Let's hope Hendry knows what he is doing.

Personally, I am gonna miss DeRo. He was, as the hacks at the Trib would say, "old school." He did the little things, played hard and never bitched (even when he was all but gone last year in the Roberts trade). And by God was he gorgeous. Er...I mean his swing, his swing was gorgeous. I wish him well in Cleveland.

Now excuse me while I try to coax Ms. J Dot off the ledge.

Go Cubs.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my three readers!

It's gonna be in the 60's today in Mesa. Spring training can't come fast enough.

Go Cubs.

A State of Bliss

Before you ask, it has absolutely nothing to do with the f#%@in' Joey Gathright signing. Don't even get me started.

Actually, I have achieved complete happiness for a reason completely unrelated to the Cubs (via The Observation Bubble) :





Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Go Bliss!

All I Want For Christmas.

Since the Cubs were outbid for the services of the ancient Raul Ibanez and they were unwilling to trade all of their players to get Peavy, all attention now shifts to one of my favorite players...

Milton Obelle Bradley.

I have always been a fan of his and not just because he's always one heckle away from going postal. The Cubs are in desperate need of an OF who can do the "little things" like hit, field and run. MOB can do all three pretty well.

And while he has a short fuse and enjoys throwing projectiles into the stands, I think he could actually be a good addition to the Cubs clubhouse. We have too many good guys on this team. Guys like Lee and DeRo are great about saying the right thing to the media. They smile and laugh. They talk about how "lucky they are to play a game for a living." The one thing they aren't good at is getting angry. Forget players only meetings and all that BS. The Cubs need a guy who has no problem sulking after a bad loss. They need a guy who curses at the media once in awhile. They need a guy who is just loopy enough to whip a bat at someones head if he feels he let the team down. That guy is Milton Bradley.

Not sold yet? Let me break it down then.

The Good:

In 123 games in 2008, MOB put up some nice numbers.

78 R, 22 HR, 77 RBI, 80 BB, .321 AVG, .436 OBP, .563 SLG and .999 OPS.

2008 Rankings:
1st in AL in OBP
1st in AL in OPS
4th in AL in SLG
3rd in AL in BA
10th in AL in BB.

Imagine those numbers in the Cubs already potent lineup. Did I mention he's a switch-hitter who can play all three outfield spots?

The Bad:

He’s what some baseball experts refer to as "a tad injury-prone."

19-Sep-08 Missed 2 games (left wrist injury).
12-Sep-08 Missed 2 games (wrist injury).
18-Aug-08 Missed 2 games (illness).
10-Aug-08 Missed 5 games (strained left quadriceps).
04-Aug-08 Missed 5 games (quadricep injury).
12-Jul-08 Missed 1 game (left knee injury).
24-Jun-08 Missed 1 game (strained left quadriceps).
20-Jun-08 Missed 2 games (quadricep injury).
31-May-08 Missed 1 game (dizziness).
16-May-08 Missed 2 games (right shoulder injury).
02-May-08 Missed 1 game (hamstring).
21-Sep-07 Missed 12 games (right oblique muscle strain).
08-Aug-07 Missed 4 games (hamstring).
07-Jul-07 Missed 8 games (oblique injury).
20-Jun-07 Missed 16 games (calf injury).
30-May-07 Missed 14 games (hamstring).
19-May-07 Missed 4 games (hamstring).
11-May-07 Missed 15 games (hamstring).
01-Sep-06 Missed 1 game (ankle injury).
14-Jul-06 Missed 20 games (shoulder injury).
06-Jun-06 Missed 36 games (right knee injury).
02-Oct-05 Missed 38 games (Torn left Patella Tendon).
23-Jul-05 Missed 47 games (finger injury).
13-Aug-04 Missed 1 game (hamstring).
01-Jun-04 Missed 2 games (ankle injury).
04-May-04 Missed 3 games (ankle injury).
29-Aug-03 Missed 46 games (back injury).
08-May-03 Missed 12 games (strained right hamstring).
30-Aug-02 Missed 16 games (appendicitis).
04-Jun-02 Missed 29 games (eye Contusion).
17-Apr-02 Missed 4 games (right quadricep).

That's only 348 games missed in 7 seasons. Soriano's on pace to shatter that record, so MOB should fit right in.

The Crazy:

MOB can come slightly unglued at times.

24-Sep-07 Torn ACL, sidelined through end of season.

Bradley tore his ACL when manager Bud Black tackled him to keep him killing an ump.

To be fair, he WAS safe.

29-Sep-04 Suspended by the Dodgers for the remainder of the season.

A fan threw a plastic bottle at Bradley. Bradley threw the bottle back.

MOB is not now or never will be a fan of littering.

30-Jun-04 Missed 4 games (suspension).

Bradley threw a bag of balls onto the field following an ejection.

Again, in the interest of full disclosure, the pitch WAS a ball.

I have always been a fan of adding a little crazy to the mix, so signing MOB seems like a no-brainer to me. I know it's been mentioned before, but ask yourself this simple question:

What happened when the Bulls signed Rodman?

Obviously, MOB is not even in the Worm's league when it comes nut-job behavior and Karl Malone (to my knowledge) doesn't play baseball, so it's not a perfect analogy, but you know what I mean. Adding a couple sprinkles of loony tunes to the mix can take a team from simply above average to championship-caliber.

If nothing else, MOB will make them fun to watch again.

Go Cubs.

Unrelated Post: Harry Sells Hockey From the Grave

Check out NBC's TV ad for the Winter Classic.



Go Cubs.

Lou Pinella a.k.a. Captain Obvious.

Lou took took a break from "riding his bicycle around his neighborhood" to shed some light on the Cubs. Here are my two favorite comments from his conversation with the S-T.

"You don't play well, you don't win."

"We've just got to figure out a way to score more runs in the postseason."

Thanks, Lou.

Things he left out:

The sky is blue.

Water is wet.


Go Cubs.

Two Down, Many to Go

Pour some of that 40 out, the Trib has some sad news today.

Mike Downey departs Chicago Tribune

Mike Downey, who returned home to Chicago in 2003 as a Tribune sports columnist, is leaving the paper. "The Tribune was generous enough to make me one of the best-paid sportswriters in the history of this business, so I certainly can't fault the paper for doing this now that times are hard," Downey said Thursday.

Tribune Associate Managing Editor for Sports Dan McGrath informed his staff "with profound sadness" in a note hailing Downey, who was a must-read at the Chicago Daily News and Sun-Times before becoming a columnist for the Detroit Free Press and Los Angeles Times, as a "wise, wry, sane voice of reason."

Um, yeah.

Wise, wry, sane voice of reason? Somehow I doubt those are the words most of us would use to describe him. He was never as idiotic as Mariotti or as boring as Rogers, but he was far from a "must read." I'd give you a list of his most moronic columns over the years, but frankly I rarely read his stuff. Here is a typical conversation I've had about Downey with my buddy Brent:

Me: You see Downey's column today?
Brent: Yep.
Me: You read it?
Brent: No, saw the dumb ass headline and skipped it.
Me: Yeah.
Brent: You read it?
Me: Hell no.

Yup, that about sums it up.

So forgive me if I'm not "profoundly" saddened by his departure. On the plus side, now I have more time to not read Eric Zorn!

Go Cubs.

Ryan Dempster Signs Deal, Kicks Fans in Balls

I've really been trying to enjoy the Cubs offseason. Really. With NCAA football, the NFL and (gulp) the NHL, I have tons of sports to occupy my time. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading about the Cubs as much as possible.

Peavy? Talk to me when they make the deal.

Randy Johnson? Please let that be a joke.

Teahan? Yawn.

Other than the brief moments of joy for Soto and Lou's awards, I have kept my distance from this team. It's my way of cleansing my mind of all the pain and hatred I have built up after another year of being a Cubs fan.

Then Dempster happened.

No, I am not talking about the contract. I could devote a whole other post to that Gaetti-ish move and maybe I will. What got my attention and raised my blood pressure about 200 joules (I have no idea how you measure BP, sorry) was his comments on the playoffs. For those of you who missed it, this is what he told the Tribune:

"Maybe we underestimated how prepared you have to be, how ready you have to be, especially in a five-game series," Dempster said. "It's like a short heavyweight bout. Ding, the bell is ringing, you've got to go."

"I think sometimes we almost expected it, go out there and play hard and we're good enough and just expect it to happen, and we'll win this series and then the next one and all the excitement will happen once we get to the World Series," he said. "Maybe L.A. was just a little more prepared for us than we were for them."

"It almost felt like it was just going to be a given that we win Games 1 and 2 and move on and go from there," he said. "You still have to play the games. You have to put the uniform on, go out there and compete. If anything we've learned that."

Sweet baby Jesus.

When I first read that, I assumed he was kidding. Not that it was a particularly good joke, but the alternative was mind-boggling dumb. Then I read it again. And again. And again.

(Banging head on table)

So you're telling me, Ryan, that what the Cubs have "learned" is that you have to be prepared for the playoffs?

Are you saying that professional baseball players, many of whom had been to the postseason before, ASSUMED that all they had to do was show up? Really? You didn't know how "ready" you needed to be? Are you kidding me? It's a five game series! You know what that means? Best of 3 wins! Who in their right mind, ESPECIALLY CUBS PLAYERS, assume you are going to win?

Were you shocked that the Dodgers even showed up for Game 1? I mean, surely if you guys thought it was a "given that we win Games 1 and 2," the Dodgers must have thought the same. Right? Pretty brave of them to make the trip anyway if you ask me.

As fans, we have spent the last month or so trying to forget how much that series sucked and you show up saying that you think you lost because you weren't prepared. Why not say there was a flu bug going around so you guys weren't at full strength? Why not say the pressure got to you? Why not say it was too cold? Hell, we'd even be OK if you told us you had money on the Dodgers. But to say you weren't prepared is a fucking (sorry, Mom) insult.

When you say "we weren't prepared," you know what I hear. YOU weren't prepared, Ryan. YOU assumed you'd win Game 1. That would explain the 7 walk, 4 and two-thirds bed crapper of a game you pitched. Awesome. Basically, you let YOUR success up to that point (which means exactly zilch) go to your head. Thanks. No really. We appreciated the effort.

Next time, do us a favor, just sign your bloated new deal and shut the fuck up.

Go Cubs.

Postseason Accolades Almost Make the Pain Go Away. Almost.

Lou Pinella.
2008 Manager of the Year.

Congrats, Lou. Have a drink on us!

Go Cubs.

Today is the Day

Whether you consider yourself a Democrat, a Republican, an Independent or even (god forbid) a White Sox fan...there is one thing you MUST do today.

VOTE!

Go Cubs.

Brewers Outbid Imaginary CC Suitors

According to Ken Rosenthal over at FoxSports, the Brewers have a come up with an offer for CC...

4 Years.

100 Million.

My first reaction?

"I must still be drunk."

Sadly, I was not.

Even sadder, he will turn that down for MORE money from someone else.

I can't wait to see what the offer is for Sheets.

Go Cubs

Speaking of Being Nailed In the Head...

Rules for Celebrating World Series Win.

1) Remove Shirt
2) Climb Highest Traffic Pole You Can Find
3) Avoid Vodka Bottle Related Head Injuries



2 out of 3 ain't bad, I guess.

I wonder if they cut off beer sales in the 7th for a "clinch" game in Philly. Somehow I doubt it.

Go Cubs.

Dayton Police Don't Appreciate Fastball Off Forehead Humor

From the CST:

Chiefs pitcher indicted for hitting fan with ball

DAYTON, Ohio -- A Peoria Chiefs pitcher accused of throwing a ball that hit a fan in the forehead was indicted Wednesday on two counts of felonious assault.

Julio Castillo, 21, who was pitching for the Chiefs of the Midwest League, is accused of throwing into the stands during a July 24 game at Dayton that featured a 10-minute, benches-clearing brawl. The fan was treated for a concussion at a hospital and released.

You all remember this douche rocket, right?




I think he could use the time in prison to find a better arm slot.

Go Cubs.

(INSERT ROSE PUN HERE)

D. Rose makes his debut tonight.

Let's just hope they are at least worth watching this year.

Go Rays.

That About Sums It Up.

Lou Pinella on what happened to the Cubs in the postseason:

''The first game we didn't pitch well. The second game, we didn't defense well. The third game, we didn't hit.'

Ok then.

So let me get this straight. If the Cubs would have just hit, pitched and "defensed" better, we would have won? Thanks for the tip, Lou. Now I know why the Cubs locked you up with an extension...your keen eye for the game's little nuances.

I kid. I kid.

Enjoy the offseason. Oh, and do me a favor, will ya? At the next "organizational meeting," when Big Jimmy H. mentions the name Raul Ibanez, kick him in the junk as hard as you can.

Thanks, Lou.

Go Rays.

Where Have I Heard This Before?

Good news for all you fans of the towel drill, Mark Prior is "healthy" again!

Buster Olney drops some knowledge (emphasis added by yours truly):

Mark Prior, who had a second, less-invasive surgery on his right shoulder earlier this year, is in the midst of a throwing program and should be ready for the start of the 2009 season, said his agent, John Boggs. Prior is expected to file for free agency. "He said he feels good, that his shoulder has never felt better," said Boggs.

Wow.

I love the fact that his agent has the balls to say Mark's shoulder has "never felt better." He better have been winking, rolling his eyes AND nudging Buster in the ribs with his elbow when he said that.

This news will definitely add some intrigue to this year's winter meetings. I mean, how can CC and Peavy know how the free agent market is shaping up until they see what kind of cash McPhail throws at a twice-surgered (trademark pending) pitcher who hasn't pitched since August of 2006?

My guess is the Orioles offer him something in the neighborhood of 12 million over 3 years, but I could be underestimating McPhail's stupidity.

Stay tuned.

PS. Don't even think about it Jim.

Go Rays.

What Happens When All My Teams Crap the Bed...

It's Time to Live Blog NFL Sunday!

With that team that shall remain nameless delivering an embarrassing postseason performance AND my Missouri Tigers choking on NATIONAL TV TWICE in two weeks, I figure it's time to focus my attention elsewhere. As the proud owner of DirecTV's NFL Sunday Ticket, I thought it might be fun to give my three readers a glimpse of what Sunday's at Casa de J dot is like.

11:55AM: Before the games get under way, let me set the stage. I have two receivers in my living room allowing me to spit screen my plasma TV. On one half, we have the Red Zone channel. On the other half...I flip between the Raiders (my brother's favorite team, sadly), the Chefs (wife's from KC) and whatever game features the most fantasy players for those in attendance . I also have another flat screen dedicated to the Bears game with sound. That's a lot 'o football, I know. By about 4 o'clock, my eyes feel like they are about to pop out of my head...but in a good way. Speaking of in attendance, I am joined by Molly the Dog, my wife Jen, my brother Jon (late again) and my friend Brent (also tardy). Let's do this.

12:03 PM: First beer is barely cracked and my fantasy franchise player, Adrian Peterson, is already losing the carries battle with Chester Taylor. Not good. On a more exciting note, we've got Brad Johnson going for the 'boys today! Everybody party like it's 1998!

12:10 PM: Vikings go for it on 4th and goal...TD AP! Nice. Even better news? The guy I'm playing in fantasy started Matt Jones this week. They aren't playing. That's why I love playing guys with young children...they never have their priorities straight.

12:13 PM: Hooray! It's Jeremy Shockey with a catch! Took a helmet right in the sports hernia, if you catch my meaning. Ouch. Also, Bears went no huddle and scored in like 4 seconds. Bless you, Kyle Orton.

12:22 PM: Two things. 1) My brother just set a new record for the least amount of time in charge of the remote (40 seconds). 2) Bears blocked a punt and scored. Best part? During the melee following the block, a Vikings player "illegally kicked" the ball. I didn't even know you could get flagged for that. Awesome.

12:30PM: Looks like CBS's Guru was right. The Cowboys defense sucks. 14-7 Rams in the 1st and it's 1st and Goal St. Louis after a Brad Johnson pick. I guess if you are right 1 out of every 17 weeks, you can call yourself a guru. Good to know. Oh, and Tony Romo...your table is ready.

12:45PM: According to the Bears announcers, Kyle Orton has a "feathery touch." I am now a more than a little uncomfortable.

12:55PM: Speaking of uncomfortable, there are these new Burger King commercials that involve two dudes with guitars and some creepy song. When did confusing and annoying your audience become the best way to advertise?

1:05PM: The wife has decided to pick the middle of the early games to start decorating for Halloween. By decorating, I mean randomly moving a bunch of pumpkins around the living room and muttering to herself.

1:25PM: Brent has arrived and referred to my choice of cans instead of bottles as "low brow." He is wearing a top hat and a monocle, so I guess I see his point.

1:30PM: Jon is currently retelling a story involving his fiancee, a goth bar and a pirate. I wish I was making that up.

1:33PM: Is anyone still watching Prison Break? I bailed on that show a year and a half ago. I mean, they brought back a girl who was DECAPITATED last year. They don't even have the balls to do that on Days of Our Lives.

1:45PM: You know what's awesome? When your QB completes a pass and the WR fumbles it on the goal line. I really like that. Really. Honestly. Couldn't be happier.

2:00PM: "Hey Richie Rich, not everyone is as rich as you! Aldi is good!" Welcome to Sunday at J dot's. Random and a tad creepy.

2:05PM: Ok, so I am now live blogging, watching 3 different games AND grilling lunch. I wonder which one of those I will neglect...

2:16PM: I am always amazed by how few of the games are remotely interesting on any given week. Today? Two. Shockingly enough, nothing about KC v. Titans or Ravens v Dolphins gets my heart rate going. Also, the return of Brad Johnson has failed to meet the "hype." 134 YDS and 2 picks. I don't think TO is gonna be doing his tear-filled "That's my quarterback" after this game.

2:45PM: Quick note on who sucks this week. Brad Johnson, JT O'Sullivan, the Cowboys, Burger King Ads, Drew Brees, Ocho Cinco, the Chargers and mean people. What doesn't suck? The SD chicken in that Sony ad.

2:57PM: We just had our SECOND "illegal kicking" penalty of the day! Thank God they cracked down on that. It was getting ridiculous.

3:01PM: Bears are up 7, with the ball. Seems like victory is within their reach. Hmmm. Why does this sound familiar?

3:06PM: Quick impression of what it sounds like to spend the day with Molly the Dog and her toys. SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

3:11PM: And the reverse jinx works! Bears win! BTW, final score was 48-41. Over/under was 43. I don't have anything funny to say about that.

3:17PM: Dick Enberg managed to work "another delicious first and 5" and "looks like he's going for the baker's dozen" into consecutive sentences. One of the the few bad things about DirecTV is the realization of how AWFUL most of the announcers are.

3:25PM: Just wanted to update the awesomeness of my fantasy opponent's lineup. He also started a kicker who was hurt. His backup scored 10. At this rate, I'm gonna to owe his daughter a fruit basket for being just enough of a distraction to get me the cheap win.

3:40PM: Remember my brother's story about pirates and a goth bar? Well, he's topping it right now with a story about a murder. He tells the best stories.

3:44PM: Yao Ming interviewed during the Houston game. Awkward, party one one, your table is ready.

4:05PM: Phil Simms: DB's are "ka-told" to hold their water, hold their water.
I was paying attention to the game and I have no idea what he was talking about.

4:11PM: First bet of the day! Jon bet Brent he had high point in our fantasy league 10 times last year. He was almost right...only missed it by half. That transitioned into Jon bragging about how awesome his Moss/Brady combo was last year, which brought us to this exchange:

Brent: How much did you get paid for winning the playoffs again?

Jon: I didn't win in the playoffs.

Brent: Exactly.

6:30PM: Games got boring, so we started playing NHL 09. My bad. The Jets and Raiders are somehow still playing. I am trying to care.

6:36PM: The Raiders Sebastian "Thunderfoot" Janikowski kicks it through from 57 yards out! Raiders win! Ladies, keep an eye on your drinks tonight because Janikowski is coming to a bar near you! Free roofies for everyone!

6:43PM: Random final question. Which is worst?

1) Being faced in 3 games by an inferior team?
2) Watching that team get smoked in the next round?
3) Blowing a 3-1 series lead?

I still think it's #1.

Go Rays.

Why We Love This Game...

My buddy Brent sent me this today and I thought it was worth sharing:

Today is the 20th Anniversary of Game 1 of the 1988 World Series where Kirk Gibson stumbled into a backdoor slider from Dennis Eckersley and began the slowest home run trot ever.

I'm passing along this information because:

A. I'm old, and I wanted each of you to feel old, too.

B. I remember exactly where I was when the homer was hit

(In my parents basement. My yelling woke them up, since it was after midnight).

I had nothing invested in either team, yet I was watching every pitch.

After the Cubs debacle this year, it's nice to be reminded why I fell in love with the game in the first place.

That homer is probably one of the first clear memories I have of the World Series. Damn thing gives my goosebumps EVERY time they show it. I think that may be the greatest baseball highlight of my lifetime. I challenge my 3 readers to think of a better one.

Go Baseball.

Another Name for a Venal or Unscrupulous Person.

What is a "Whore," Alex?

Since I still refuse to address the "elephant in the room," I needed something to occupy my time until I could express my hatred in coherent sentences.

So...

I decided the best way to heal my wounds was to degrade myself by selling my services to the highest bidder on ebay. I wish I was joking.



Look what you have driven me to you underachieving bunch of bastards!

Damn you! Damn you straight to hell.

Go Cu....ah forget it.

Cubs Swept. National Joke Continues.

Writer's Note: This is going to be a ridiculous rant written in the immediate aftermath of the Game 3 loss. It will be full of vitriol and probably not all that coherent. After sleeping on it, I probably won't be this pissed and will most likely regret posting tonight. But hey, writing it made me feel better. So I'm leaving it up.

What a waste of a summer.

First and foremost-If anyone says a word about a curse, they should be punched in the face. Repeatedly. This isn’t about 1969 or 1984 or anything else in the history of this franchise. Those teams have nothing to do with the garbage that we had to sit through this week. I don’t care about black cats, billy goats, or anything like that. To blame this on some nonexistent curse would be to absolve this team of the responsibility for this disaster.

This team just flat out choked. There is no other description for the abortion that has taken place over the last four days.

Everybody knows that five game playoff series are a crap shoot-a little bounce here and there mean a lot. They tell you almost nothing about who the better team truly is. But let’s be clear: this series was not a crap shoot. This was a team crapping down its leg. There are no two ways about it. It wasn’t about a couple pitches or at bats. If they would have lost this series in a few close games that just didn’t work out, I would have been upset, but I would have lived with it.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a series of close games that just didn’t work out. It was a bunch of guys who showed no guts whatsoever and couldn’t handle the pressure of the playoffs, completely and utterly embarrassing themselves in the process. They deserve to be the national joke that they’ve just become.

Some wonderful truths about this series:

This is only the second time since 1969 that the team with the best record in the league has gotten swept in the first round.

The Cubs had as many errors as runs in the series.

The Cubs (who, by the way, led the league in OBP this year) had 6 walks in the entire series. The Dodgers had that many walks by the FIFTH INNING OF GAME ONE.

None of the three Cubs starters even made it five innings in any start.

And almost impossibly, Alfonso Soriano was actually worse in this year’s series (1-14) than last year (2-14). Only six years and about $100 million left on that contract!

Pathetic. Nothing short of pathetic. I hate this team. I hate every player. Every single goddamn one. I have never in my life been this disgusted with a Cubs team. This is not the lovable losers-they’re just a bunch of fucking losers. I’m tired of this wait until next year crap. All of you on this team can shove it.

It’s simple: from now on, if you play like champions you’ll get treated like champions. Play like shit and you’ll get treated like shit-and you deserve nothing better. Enough of this standing and cheering for 2 strike counts in the 3rd inning of a game in May. Prove you’re a real team with professionals who can handle pressure situations and I’ll be happy to devote all my energy to you. But I’m not going to let this ever happen again.

Every one of those 97 wins this year was utterly and completely worthless. You have just pissed away all the goodwill you’ve built up with this fanbase all year. You wasted my time and the time of every fan who devoted even an ounce of emotion into your craptacular season. Thanks a lot, you gutless losers.

Maybe I Wasn't Clear Enough Before...

1) Throw Strikes.
2) Play Good Defense.
3) Walk Manny Whenever Possible.

Maybe just give it a shot and see what happens. I mean, you can't get any worse...

Go Cubs.

Alyssa thinks...

you should head over to College of Idiots to read another awesome guest post!

Go Cubs.

Are You There God? It's Me, Carlos.

Oh boy.

That wasn't really the start to the post season I was picturing. Apparently, Dempster isn't one of my three readers and missed the post yesterday about throwing strikes. Crap.

So now what?

Well, if we were ranking worst-case scenarios...this one is probably top 3, maybe even #1. Why? The LAST thing we need tonight is Carlos thinking he has to play the hero. The man has enough trouble keeping it together normally, what do you think will happen when he assumes it's his job to save the Cubs season? I know that answer. He's gonna try to throw the ball THROUGH Soto.

Maybe I'm a pessimist, but just the thought of a pumped up Z out there tonight throwing straight-as-an-arrow 97 MPH heaters gives me IBS. We all know Carlos works best at or below 94 MPH. That's when his sinker is most effective. Basically, in Z's case, speed kills. So the more emotional he is or the more pressure he puts on himself, the harder he throws. The harder he throws, the less the ball sinks. The less the ball sinks, the more it stays in the zone. The more it stays in the zone, the sooner we can start talking about next year.

I am a fan of Carlos, don't get me wrong, but this is the EXACT scenario that was keeping me up at night. Z on the mound at home in a must-win game. Most pitchers feed off these high pressure situations. Z loses his friggin' mind. The only way it could be worse was if let's say the umps seemed to be enforcing a smaller strike zone than normal...oh wait. So not only will Z be over-throwing every pitch, he won't be getting the calls he thinks he should be getting. I'm sure that will improve the situation. Kill me now.

I could be totally wrong about this, who knows. Maybe Carlos is a different beast this fall. Maybe he can channel his emotions like he did up in Miller Park. Maybe he can hit his spots and dominate. I THINK he can. I'll BELIEVE IT after I see his MPH in the 1st.

No pressure radar gun dude.

Go Cubs.

If You Squint Your Eyes Real Tight and Tilt Your Head to the Side a Little...He Looks Just Like Pujols.

(Or maybe my crystal meth habit is getting a tad out of hand. It's one of the two for sure.)

There has been a lot of hand-wringing going on this week about this "new look" Dodgers team.

"This is a different team than the one the Cubs dominated earlier in the year," they cry.

"Manny makes them a serious threat to pull off the upset," they wail.

"Jeff Kent is still playing? God, that guy's a douche," they whine.

Actually, that third one was me, but you get the drift.

Manny Ramirez will single-handily beat the Cubs and then eat all city's first born children!

What do I say? Ridiculous.

I am by no means discounting Manny's playoff prowess or the fact that this Dodgers team is MUCH better with him on the roster. Manny is very, very good. Clinically insane? Probably. But one hell of a ball player nonetheless. But that doesn't mean we should all quake in our collective boots when we think about the Cubs having to face him this week.

Why? Because the Cubs know exactly how to handle a guy like Manny. In fact, they've been facing the NL version of him for 8 friggin' years now. I am, of course, speaking of the Lord of the Turds himself, Albert "Please Don't Consider The Fact That My Team Finished in Fourth Place When You Submit Your MVP Ballot" Pujols.

Now, I know what you're thinking (not really, but for the sake of this post just assume that I can read your minds). Pujols and Manny are nothing alike! One is a All-Star talent who drives in a ton of runs and plays gold-glove caliber defense. The other is an All-Star talent who drives in a ton of runs and sometimes forgets to bring his glove with him when he takes field. True. But, when it comes to facing both these dangerous hitters, the approach is the same.

Limit the Damage.

As we see time after time when the Cubs and Cardinals hook up, the primary goal is to make sure Albert doesn't beat you. The philosophy is simple. Get the guys in front of him out and pray that he doesn't hit 7 solo shots and beat you anyway. Basically, just focus on getting the "table-setters" in the lineup out. It's a simple plan, but one that the Cubs are familiar with and relatively good at accomplishing.

Players like Manny and Pujols are gonna get their hits, it's just a fact. But if you can make sure that the results of those hits are negligible, you can and should win. Open bases become your biggest weapon against these types of hitters (that, and in Manny's case, pretty butterflies).

Not to over-simplify the Cubs approach this week, but it should be as straight-forward as...

1) Throw strikes.
2) Play good defense.
3) Walk Manny whenever possible.

That's it.

As long as the Cubs can do these three things, Manny won't beat them. If they don't do #1 and #2, they won't be able to do #3 and, well...let's just not think about that for now.

(shuddering)

Go Cubs.

Alyssa Asks...

"Did you check out FOTG's post on College of Idiots yet today? It's pretty freakin' awesome!"

Doing a little guest blogging this week...

Go Cubs.

I Blame All the Lead-based Toys You Chewed On As a Kid

Dear Cubs Fan Who Ruins it for Everyone,

I hate you. I hate you and all those like you.

Go home and high-five your moronic friends as you shotgun Old Style tall boys and leave the rest of us in peace. You aren't funny. You're pathetic. Bite me. You know, there is a reason why Sox fans hate the Cubs...it's you. Tell me, loyal Cubs fan, why do you give a shit if the White Sox make the playoffs or not? Are you afraid to share the spotlight? Do you think our postseason will be any less special if the Sox join the party? How can you have such an huge inferiority complex in a city that is so obviously pro-Cubs? Sorry, that's a lot of questions in a row there, I don't want your tiny brain to explode.

Maybe you've forgotten, you knuckle-dragging cretin, that your Cubs haven't been to the playoffs in back to back years in a long, long time. Enjoy it while you can. Bask in the glow of this amazing season. Cheer them on as they test themselves against possible playoff opponents over the next few days. Pretend to have a little fun!

Openly rooting for the White Sox to lose doesn't make you any more of a Cubs fan than that nameless jersey you bought at Target, you schmuck. Giggling uncontrollably every time something goes wrong for them just further emphasizes what a sad, sad little man you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should cheer for the White Sox. I'm just saying that you shouldn't care. You're a Cubs fan (or more likely one of your douche bag friends is a fan so you jumped on the bandwagon too) so stick with that.

The Cubs made the playoffs. They're in. Can't you just be a fan of baseball for one night? Can't you just count your blessing that the Cubs aren't in the White Sox shoes at this point? You remember what that's like, don't you? No, what am I saying...you don't, do you? You weren't a fan in 1998, suffering with every pitch, every swing of the bat. You were probably a Yankees fan that year, turd.

What is wrong with you? Didn't you get enough attention as a child? Were you dropped on your head? Repeatedly? The Cubs won a dramatic game last night. Were you watching or were you glued to the Sox game hoping to see them lose again? Don't answer that. I know the answer. We all do.

You're not a Cubs fan. You never will be. And if by some miracle this team does the impossible (knocking furiously on wood) this fall and you're outside Wrigley during the celebration, keep an eye out for me. I'll be easy to spot. I'll be the one kicking you in the nuts.

Yours always,

J dot.

Whew. Ok, now I feel better. Sorry.

Go Cubs.

Drunken Idiots Dealt a Setback

For those of you who know me, there is one thing that worries me during the postseason more than terrible managers, suspect defense and Bob Howry...idiot fans. Seriously. I know it's dumb, but I spend more time obsessing about over-turned cars, broken windows and the general douchebag-ery that goes on after the smallest Cubs victories, that the idea of this team going deep in the playoffs gives me hives. I actually pray for clinching on the road at times. Sad, but true.

This is just is one of a hundred ridiculous Cub-related things that I have no control over, yet continue to let bother me every waking hour of the day. That's why this article in the Sun-Times gave my a moment of peace for at least 30 seconds.

No beer in Wrigleyville: A seventh inning stretch?

Bars and restaurants around Wrigley Field will be asked to stop serving alcohol after the seventh-inning stretch -- just as they do inside the ballpark -- to prevent Cubs playoff celebrations from turning ugly.

Ray Orozco, executive director of the city's Office of Emergency Management and Communications, said the proposed seventh-inning cutoff -- discussed at a playoff security meeting Monday -- would occur "only if it's a clinch game." Liquor sales could resume once the game is over, he said.

Sounds like a plan. I know that one less hour of drinking wouldn't make a lick of difference for most of the drunken masses, but maybe...just maybe, it keeps some guy from turning to his buddy and saying, "You know would be cool? Let's set the bleachers on fire!"

Just saying.

Go Cubs

Once is a Fluke. Twice is a Problem.

I did it again.

For those of you who don't have the pleasure (yet) of following my random thoughts on Twitter, let me explain. After the Cubs neglected to score in the bottom of the 8th of today's game, I turned it off.

"Screw Smarj and whoever the hell that guy is who pitched after him," I yelled to no one in particular.

As a refresher, I am also the idiot who saw the Cubs were well in front on Sunday and decided Generation Kill was a better option than the first no-no in in my lifetime. So, obviously I had history on my side.

To be honest, I had better things to do then to listen to the final outs of a frustrating game that they should have won. I mean, my status on Facebook isn't gonna update itself people!

So when my lovely bride sent me a text around 4:45 today saying, "I wish I was at this game!" I knew I was in trouble.

Thankfully, I had just turned down my volume on the only good investment I have ever made, MLB Gameday Audio. As I turned it back up, Soto flew out to the wall in the 11th, followed by a dreadful start to the top of the 12th. Runners on, Kerry on fumes. Not good times.

So I made a choice. I made the only choice a totally neurotic, overly-obsessed, semi-OCD Cubs fan could make.

I closed out of the broadcast and waited, knowing full well what was at stake.

If the Cubs lost, the impact on I have on wins and losses by watching/listening was negligible at best.

But if they got out of that 12th inning jam and then managed to win...fuck.

We all know the result.

I'm screwed.

Go Cubs.

The NL Playoff Contenders Have A New Zipcode!

With the boring baseball on display over the past three days, I found myself thinking about the postseason.

So many questions are still unanswered at this point:

Will Ned Yost join the Fox team so we can all giggle when he's asked about how to best manage pitchers?

Can they find someone even douchier than Dane Cook to top last year's "THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!" commercials?

Will they actually blow up Shea with the Mets still inside when they miss the playoffs?

But thanks to endless 90210 promos on CW/WGN AMERICA these days, one question stuck out.

If the (current) playoff teams were characters on the original Beverly Hills 90210, who would they be?

The Los Angeles Dodgers as...

David Silver.

David spent most of his early years on 90210 just trying to fit in with all the "cooler kids" at West Beverly. He worked really hard to get accepted...sometimes too hard. You wanted to like his chances of succeeding, but at the same time you knew that the rest of the group basically thought of him as an also-ran. The general consensus on the Dodgers is no different. No matter how hard they try, they are still only a whopping 6 games over .500 and are actually having a hard time holding off the "surging" Rockies (68-83). No one outside of LA thinks thinks of them as a threat in the post season. Good news? At least Manny puts out.

The Philadelphia Phillies as...

Brandon Walsh.

The hair, the Mustang, the strong morals...Brandon was really the complete package. Other than some gambling issues and poor decision-making in the girlfriend department (I'm looking at you, Emily), he basically could do no wrong. Problem was, he was boring as hell to watch. You always found yourself wishing he'd screw up once in awhile to shake things up. Same thing with the Phillies. Sure, they can hit, field and throw with the best of them, but at the end of the day you find yourself wishing for something more.

The New York Mets as...

Dylan McKay.

Maybe it was the fact that he didn't give a shit that made him so appealing. Or maybe it was the fact he was a closet Elvis Impersonator. Either way, you loved Dylan in all his wet suit glory. Each week, you were glued to the TV to see how far he could fall and if JUST ONCE he would heed Jim Walsh's advice. He defined train wreck. Sound familiar? Each fall, we all watch with glee as the Mets begin their inevitable collapse. No matter how much talent they have, they just can't seem to keep it together. If I were this girl:

I would stay as far away from Shea as possible.

The Chicago Cubs as...

Steve Sanders.

Overlooked early on as just another spoiled rich kid with an embarrassing haircut, Steve blossomed into the coolest guy on the show. He made up for a lack of cool sideburns and some questionable academic choices with a laid back attitude, a sweet corvette and some pretty rad zoobas. He even almost accomplished the impossible...making frat boys look cool. You loved him because he was the happy medium between the annoying angel Brandon and the boring bad boy Dylan. He came across as the kind of guy you see yourself hanging out with at a bar. That's the Cubs in a nut shell. Millionaire ball players who aren't too full of themselves. Down-to-earth guys who are easy to root for. Sure they have a swagger, but really they're just a bunch of dudes having fun playing baseball...sadly, however, without the permed mullets.

And finally...

The Milwaukee Brewers as...

Scott Scanlon

Just like Scott, the Brewers had a promising future ahead of them this fall. Tons of talent, fun to watch and that infectious kind of "nerdy outsider" appeal that made you really want good things to happen for them.

Unfortunately, they shot themselves in the gut...and died.

Go Cubs!

PS. In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my friends strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize. Just wanted to get that out there.

Side Note: Did anyone else keep picturing the Astros manager running into Bob Uecker in the hallway after Monday's game, having a flashback of his "One hit? All we got is one god damn hit?" line from Major League and then killing Bob with his own shoe. Anyone? Tell me I wasn't the only one who thought of this. Bueller?

Ned Yost Gets Early Start On His Vacation Plans

Pat and Ron just laid a doozy of a breaking story on us...

NED YOST...FIRED.

MILWAUKEE (AP) — The Milwaukee Brewers have fired manager Ned Yost in the midst of a late-season slump that has jeopardized the team's chances of making the playoffs for the first time since 1982.

Third-base coach Dale Sveum will become interim manager for the remainder of the season.

The Brewers have lost seven of their last 10, and share the NL wild-card lead with Philadelphia.

Wow.

Go Cubs.

FOTG Hall of Fame Welcomes a New Member

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly

Congrats. You've earned it.

UPDATE: Thanks to The Sporting Blog, we now have video.

Go Cubs.

Rant Away...

I’d love to have posted more often, but (a.) real life has taken over recently, and (b.) I’ve been watching about ½ of each game lately, due to the overall suckfest that the Cubs have become. But I needed to jump in and write a little something about all the ledge jumpers out there:

I’m tired of all the chicken littles whining about every ounce of bad news coming from the Cubs.

Don’t get me wrong-they’ve been worse than awful lately. If awful could be quantified by population, the Cubs would be India and China combined. There is absolutely no arguing with this. In every aspect of the game they have been utterly craptastic. But you know what? They’re still making the playoffs. As of this writing, their magic number over the Phillies is 10 and if they beat the Cardinals tonight, their magic number for the playoffs in general is 9. They could literally have a playoff spot locked up by Sunday.

If they shit the bed and blow an 8 game lead with 19 left, then they are truly a waste of space and a garbage team. The season will be a waste and idiots likes Rosenbloom will have more fodder that will allow them to not have to actually do anything creative in their writing. No amount of whining and crying is going to change what they do over the next 19 games. Pretty much the only thing that all the hemming and hawing is going to accomplish over the next few weeks is to piss off all the moderately sane people.

I'll make this simple: They’re going to make the playoffs. Screw curses, jinxes, goats, whatever. They're going. And if they don't, its because they don't deserve it, not because some cosmic force has kept them out.

Its also important to remember that what happens in the playoffs is a crapshoot. But here’s the catch: if they went into the playoffs on a 22 game win streak, it would still be a crapshoot.

To wit-The hottest team going into the playoffs last year was the Rockies-they got swept in the World Series by a team that lost 11 games in September, including a stretch in which they lost 5 out of 6. In 2006, the Cardinals lost eight out of nine between September 18th and 26th. In 2005, the White Sox lost six out of seven between September 8th and 15th. The Red Sox lost five of seven between September 18 and 25th.

The point is not that the Cubs are going to win the World Series. The point is that “hot” teams aren’t really any more likely to win in the postseason than “cold” teams. Cubs fans should want the team to make sure that Harden and Zambrano are healthy and hope that they get over this annoying penchant for shitty defense they’ve developed lately. But losing a lot of games in September has about as much to do with how they play in the playoffs as winning a bunch of games in August.

So if you’re so upset about your first place team that is on pace to win more games than any Cubs team in the last 25 years, fine. Don’t watch. Move on. Find something fun to do. But quit annoying the rest of us with your obnoxious negativity. Actually, scratch that. Make sure you keep whining all the way into the playoffs so I know which “Its Gonna Happen” Shirt Wearing fuckstick to punch in the throat.

I Wish There Was A Simple Way to Express My Frustration...

That works.

Go Cubs.

Ryan Dempster, Motivational Speaker

FOTG got an advanced copy of the speech Rambo gave to the team before tonight's game:

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And a Cubs/Cards series shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in Chicago now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That took the field with us upon this September day.

Wow. Impressive.

Go Cubs.

Off Day Email Extravaganza: Angry Inner Child Edition

Dear J dot (douche-a-rific handle you've got there, pal)

Alright, I can't take it anymore. If you aren't going to say anything, you spineless bastard, I am. I'll spell it out as simply as I can...

The Cubs suck.

They suuuuuuck big time.

Don't give me any of this "They are still in first place!" BS or "Their magic number has gone down all week!" crap. They are beyond awful.

Have you watched them this month? Throw out Soriano's 3 home runs on Saturday and I dare you to name anything good this team has done in the past week or so. Even that game was ruined by the fact that they turned a 11-1 joke into a 14-9 ulcer-inducer. Nice work boys. Quality.

Everywhere you look, it's a gigantic train wreck. Blown saves. Errors. Missed MRI's. Rally killing D-Lee ABs. Ted Lilly's Home Run Derby. Cedeno. Starting pitchers needing 9 DAYS between starts. Whole SERIES without a single extra base hit. They are an embarrassment.

They aren't that bad, you say? Really? The ONLY player who has actually stepped up and shown anything resembling an actual human emotion since the bottom fell out is everyone's favorite whipping boy, Jason "My October is Wide Open" Marquis. Watching him scream at the home plate ump was just what I expect from a team playing this bad. I want to see the anger. I need to see the frustration, the asshole-ishness. While everyone else was talking about how "we can't get down on ourselves" or "everyone hits a rough patch once in awhile," Marquis is basically giving the ump the finger. Good for him.

"Don't worry," you say.

"We've got a huge cushion in the wild card," you whine.

Well, I know this is hard for your delicate little ears to handle, but FUCK THAT.

What happened to that "take no prisoners" team from August? What happened to stepping on the gas and cruising to the finish line? What happened to making September an after thought? That's all gone. These asshats pissed it away. It's infuriating and I am sick off people like you telling me to stop being a "typical" Cubs fan who wouldn't be happy if we were 50 games up. Hell yes I would be happy! What kind of idiot do you take me for?

My point is this. You and all your "blogging buddies" are idiots. The Cubs suck and so do you.

Sincerely,

Your Inner Child.

PS. Shove the Magic Number up your ass, Tribune.

Dear Inner Child,

You need a hug.

Signed,

J dot.

Go Cubs.

Guest Post: "Manager" Dusty Baker

Greetings Cubs Fans!

It's your old pal Dusty. I was just sitting in my office today, bumming about my Reds being eliminated from the postseason again, when Aaron Harang stopped by. Dudes, talk about a Debbie Downer. He kept blabbing on and on about how I basically destroyed his career and how it was my fault that all the Reds pitchers were having arm troubles (blah blah blah) and, well, I started to drift off.

I mean, how many times can I hear that same sob story? Am I right? Anyway, I was reminiscing my career and I started to think about the good ole days when I was back on the North Side. We had some fun, didn't we? We laughed. We cried. Well, mostly you cried.

Dudes, I'm kidding!

Anyway, so I was sitting here thinking about you guys and I realized that you have got to be FREAKED OUT about the losing streak. If I remember correctly, you guys aren't too keen on losing streaks up there.

Hah! I'm a riot, aren't I?

So I thought to myself, "Hey Dusty, why not send your old pals a pick-me-up. Give them something to feel good about this weekend, other than joy of playing my Reds."

So here it is. My gift to you, Cubs fans. Enjoy!

Dusty's Top 5 Things Worse Than a Five Game Losing Streak

5. Kyle Orton is Your Team's Starting QB.

4. Carlos Quentin Just Went 187 On Your Fantasy Team.

3. You left your bag in plain view of Tatum Bell.

2. You chose to attend Wheaton College for the parties.

1. You're Jay Mariotti.

See, don't you feel better? That's what I thought. No need to thank me.

Go Cubs...er I mean...Reds! Go Reds!