Finally, An Excuse to Break Out the Old #20!

As the proud owner of the above jersey, which I believe I purchased right before he blew out his knee in 2003 (you're welcome), I was excited to see this news over the weekend.

Brewers Sign Corey Patterson

Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

First, an apology to my four readers (if you're still checking the site) for my absence over the past couple of weeks. I have been shirking my (nearly) once a week posting responsibilities and for that I am sorry. I could make up some elaborate story involving a South American drug cartel and an exchange that went bad, but I respect you all too much for that. Truthfully, I was lazy and the Cubs were (mostly) playing like poop. Apart from the Cardinal series, which every Cubs fan is contractually obligated to watch, I really wasn't even watching them play that much for fear of a remote control becoming lodged in my nice TV.

So when I left on a trip to to Bar Harbor last week for some R&R and my brother's wedding, I wasn't that concerned that I would be unable to see my beloved team play. In fact, I was relishing the chance to hear nothing about them for nearly a week.

I learned a lot about the Cubs (among other things) during my trip and I thought I might share them with you.

1) Vacationing with Cubs fans makes ignoring them impossible.

Of the 100 people at the wedding, I would guess that nearly half were from Chicago and 90% of those were Cubs fans. That meant no matter where I went last week, the Cubs were there with me. At the bar, someone was always telling me the score. At the pool, someone always wanted to discuss last night's game. At the wedding, we were always circling back to discussions that were Cubs related. There was no avoiding them. Next time I'm going to Papua New Guinea...alone.

2) It's easier to pretend you don't care when the Nationals are prominently involved.

Sweet eight pound baby Jesus are the Nats terrible. They are so bad that it's not even jinx-worthy to assume a series victory and not really that big of a leap of faith to predict a sweep. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to "ignore" the games.

3) USA Today has the worst sports section in the world.

When you aren't paying attention to scores at night and have little access to the Internet while on vacation, the morning paper is your best friend. Unless, however, that paper is the USA Today. So when I opened up the sports section on Friday morning in hopes of checking the box scores, imagine my shock when the paper listed to final scores. TWO. The Cubs game and one other. Apparently, the USA Today goes to press around 9 PM ET so even games like Reds at Brewers get the "late game" treatment. How can you even call it a sports section when you report on 2 of 16 games each night?

4) XM Radio kicks ass. The Nats announcers do not.
As we began our trip back to the airport in the rental car, I discovered the wonder that is XM radio and their MLB Play-By-Play stations. Any game you want, even the Nats, is just a button click away. Unfortunately, however, you are subjected to the hometown announcers and the Nationals have a couple of mouth-breathers. Before the game got mercifully out of hand, we had to listen to a 15-minute story about Hawaii's minor league team that had nothing to do with the game followed (without segue) by what seemed like a two-hour story about pancakes. Throw in the fact that they refused to tell us what was happening most of the time and almost never referred to the Cubs players by name and it may have been the worst announcing crew I have ever heard.

Hawk Harrelson, I owe you an apology.

Go Cubs.

Is There Anyone We Can Beat?

Something happened (again) yesterday as I watched another Cubs game.

I gave up.

That's right.

I gave up the moment the Cubs found themselves down TWO runs.

During other seasons, channel surfing during a Cubs game was a no-no for me. The only exceptions were 10+ run deficits, Bob Howry appearances or Top Gun.

Not so much this year. Heck, I thought about turning it off after a run scored FROM SECOND on a wild pitch. FROM SECOND! And don't even get me started on the whole second and third with no outs bed-crapping suckfest in the 8th (I feel bad for those of you who were still watching).

To make matters worse, it was the Pirates. The 36-41 Pirates (which sounds really bad until I realized the Cubs were 36-38...kill me now). To make matters even worser (yes, I'm aware that is not a word, but somehow it seems perfect for this team), Lilly was on the mound. That's Ted Lilly, your Chicago Cubs 2009 All-Star.

Maybe this is the low point. Not this game, but this road trip. Maybe Aramis will ride in on his white stallion and save the season. Maybe Smarj is the stabilizing force the bullpen needs. Maybe Soriano can remember that bat must meet ball to produce a hit. Maybe Lee can keep his hot streak going. Maybe Fontenot will slip in the shower and none of us will have to watch him bat EVER again this year.

That's a lot of maybes, I know. But when I find myself watching America's Got Talent INSTEAD of the Cubs games, that's all I've got.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Vendors Can't Even Be Original At Racism

Thanks to SportsByBrooks for the pic of this moronic shirt being sold at Wrigley today.

Kudos to the idiot who stole the idea from some idiotic Cards fan and made a sad knock-off version.

Well done, sir.

On a lighter, less racist note, there's this:



Awesome even without a translation.

Go Cubs.

A Two Game Series is Perfect

Sadly, the first game of the 2009 Cubs/Sox series was rained out last night. For 39,000+ soaked and (probably) hammered fans of both teams, it was a huge downer. But for me, it was perfect.

Why?

Because now they can tie.

I know, try to contain your excitement.

Over the past few months, one of the few things Cubs and Sox fans can agree on is that their team's 2009 campaigns have been...what's the best way to put this...hot-poker-in-the-eye awful. Both teams have struggled out of the gates. Both teams have managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on multiple occasions. Both clubs have forgotten how to hit, field, catch, run and in Milton Bradley's case a little bit of all four with a side of poor math skills.

So when the skies opened up yesterday afternoon, I prayed for a rain out. With a makeup date not yet announced, a rain out meant a two game series. Which, if the season so far is any indication, made it a lot easier for the Cubs to not screw this up. One win gets the Cubs a tie. Heck, two wins...ah, nevermind, who am I kidding.

So thank you rain gods for giving fans on both ends of the Red Line something we haven't had in awhile...hope. Hope that after Thursday's game, we will both be no worse off.

What a season, eh?

Go Cubs.

PS. I am going to the game on Thursday, so pray the Cubs win today or me and my 13-game losing streak will make all this series split stuff a moot point.

The Curse of the Z No-No

The goat has absolved me of my sin.

Ok, so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that after months of racking my brain, trying to figure out what has turned the Cubs from favorites to frustrating-as-f#&k...I finally figured it out. As it turns out, it isn't the DeRo trade. Nor the bullpen. It's not the poor play of Soto and Bradley. It isn't even the injury to Aramis. No, sadly the lackluster play of the Cubs since the end of the 2008 regular season is the result of something...else.

Which brings me to the bad news.

This is all my fault.

As I mentioned in my 90210 Playoff Preview last September, there was a certain game last year in Milwaukee that I kinda, sorta missed.

Let's let 2008 J Dot explain:

In interest of full disclosure, I missed the no-hitter on Sunday thanks to a combination of my stupidity and my strict adherence to arbitrary jinxing rules. That's why I neglected to post about it. I felt like a turd for missing one of the greatest Cubs games in my lifetime and couldn't bring myself to try to fake like I had been watching it. To my three avid readers, I apologize.

Yeah, I know. I am not the brightest knife in the chandelier. But don't worry it gets much, much worse.

After the regular season ended, WGN decided to re-air the Zambrano no-hitter for those of us dumb enough to have missed it the first time. So, I recorded it. But with the playoffs just around the corner, I never got around to watching it.

So...

When the Cubs crapped the bed and made a quick exit in the playoffs, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the Jim Hendry went bat-shit crazy on us and traded away not one, but TWO clubhouse leaders and replaced them with "players" like Kevin Gregg and Aaron Miles, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When the bullpen forgot how to make the round white thing go over the pentagon-shaped white thing, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

When players started dropping like flies and the bats took a sabbatical, down at the bottom of my DVR was a program titled "MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee Brewers."

Now, I wonder what the common denominator was during this fun little eight-month tailspin?

Oh. Right. My bad.

But have no fear, my four readers, there is a silver lining. I deleted the game (without watching it of course, I'm not a complete idiot) on Friday morning. Since then, the Cubs are 2-1.

Curse lifted.

You're welcome.

Go Cubs.

Do Something, ANYTHING!

His jersey fit the last time the Cubs did something interesting.

Other than committing felony assault on innocent Gatorade machines, when was the last time the Cubs did anything worth watching? Sure they have won a few here and there. Heck, they even split the series with the "NL Best" LA Dodgers. But were any of those games fun to watch?

No.

Now that the Bulls and Blackhawks are out of the playoffs, it's time for the Cubs to step up to the plate (pun intended) and start being at least remotely entertaining.

Bring on the circus catches, the late inning rallies, the tape measure HR shots, the...aww, who am I kidding. Just start scoring some damn runs so I don't start seriously considering watching I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!

Go Cubs.

PS. I was gonna live-blog the game tonight, but decided against it for obvious reasons. I will be "tweeting" about it, however. Feel free to check it out here.

PPS. Soriano homered as I was writing this post. I will now begin to eat crow.

(Almost) Everything Right With the World

Cubs fans react to the news about Neal Cotts.

As Hire Jim Essian pointed out this morning, there is finally some good news to report about your Chicago Cubs. No, not their rained-shortened victory last night (which was nice).

In what may go down in history as the GREATEST "addition by subtraction" move in Cubs history, Neal Cotts was sent far, far away (to Iowa). Unfortunately, they also sent Scales with him which ends (for now) the feel-good story of the year.

Who got the call, you ask?

1) Andres Blanco (.314 BA, 4 home runs and 25 RBI).
2) Jason Waddell (5.40 ERA in 18 appearances for Iowa)
and...

3) The man, the myth, the legend...Jake Fox. (.423 BA, 17 home runs and 50 RBI in 40 games)

I don't think I am over-reacting at all when I say:

Season saved.

Ok, that maybe just a little.

Go Cubs.

Happy Memorial Day!

So I have good news and bad news.

Bad news? I am going to the game tonight so there is a pretty good chance the losing streak continues.

Good news? There was a dance off during a rain delay of the UConn and South Florida game last week...and there's video.

Please to enjoy.

via SportsbyBrooks.



Go Cubs or something.

Of Course It's Not Your Fault

Paul Sullivan' article in the Trib today featured to VERY different takes on the Cubs offensive woes of late.

D-Lee:
"Let's not blow it out of proportion," Lee said. "It's two games. Carpenter is the nastiest pitcher I've faced all year. No excuses. We're professionals. We've got to score, but just don't blow it out of proportion."

Milton Bradley:
"I'm the main culprit," Bradley said. "I'm having terrible at-bats. Just not doing anything, not even hitting the ball out of the infield."

For all the bad press Milton gets for his temper and crazy behavior at least he has the cajones to step up and put the blame on himself instead of trying to make his suckiness about the media. Maybe Derrek should spend more time in the batting cage and less time worrying about what the media thinks of his performance.

I've had it with this dude.

Bring on Micah (or Fox).

Go Cubs.

Rick Telander Actually Makes Me Miss Mariotti

I can't believe I missed this today, but apparently Ricky wanted to get some extra press this week so he boarded the ludicrous train and headed straight to doucheville. As the Sports Guy likes to say...I am without speech. Enjoy.

Small hitter, big problem.

When even Theriot raises suspicions, baseball's earned cynicism.

Sorry, Ryan Theriot, you're a suspect. Forget Manny Ramirez and Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi and Mark McGwire and all the other hulking, accused performance-enhancing drug users.

You, sir, all 5-11, 175 pounds of you, are doing devious things.

To wit, Theriot -- no disrespect, but if he's 5-11, I'm 6-12 -- hit two home runs Wednesday night at Wrigley Field against the Padres, giving him five times more home runs in 33 games this year than he hit all last season.

Brrinnnng! Eee -- ah! Eee-ah! Zzzt! Zzzzt!

That rings the steroid/HGH/ whatever-designer-drug-is-in bell, doesn't it?

Yup, he wrote that. Sober.

Go Cubs.

Cubs Continue to Win, Bore My Pants Off

I turned on the game yesterday when it was 1-1 and watched as the Cubs proceeded to treat the woeful Padres like a red-headed step child. Three changes and six runs later, I flipped the channel never to return.

My bad.

It was a beautiful day at the ballpark, and the Cubs were on their way to a sweep. I should have been dancing around high-fiving my imaginary friends. I wasn't. In fact, I couldn't have cared less.

What in the hell is going on? Have I grown so accustomed to them winning that it has become tiresome to watch? Doubtful. Are the Padres so bad that I didn't feel the last three victories were that big of a deal? Possibly. Is this team lacking a personality or players that are fun to watch? Bingo.

Don't get me wrong. There are some great players on this team, and I am excited that they are playing well, but I'm not really as emotionally invested as I normally am. With Mr. Clutch on the DL and Mr. Never Bunt For a Hit Ever Again nursing a bad hammie, I am hard-pressed to think of a guy on this team that pumps me up on a daily basis. Think about it. Outside of the Bobby "Story Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture" Scales and the suddenly home-run happy Theriot, this team is pretty boring.

Sure Soriano is killing the ball, but do his ABs really have that electricity or buzz that make them must-see TV? Not really.

Milton Bradley may be finally turning it around, but his plate appearances are like watching paint dry. A buddy of mine recently joked that he had yet to see Milton swing. He wasn't that far off. The man takes a TON of pitches. I realize that its because he has a good eye, but it is still mind-numbing to watch sometimes.

And...(pausing).

See, I can't even come up with anything remotely interesting to say about anyone else.

Without Z and Aramis, this is just a team of hard-working guys who get the job done. Nothing flashy, nothing highlight-worthy. Just good, honest, BORE ME TO TEARS baseball.

Yes, I am aware that I am looking a gift horse DIRECTLY in the mouth. Yes, I understand that I will be singing a different tune when the Cubs are mired in a seven-game losing streak and I am ready to sell my first born for a win. I get it. Really I do. It's just winning is so damn...uneventful.

Go (YAWN) Cubs.

You Know What's Really Counter-Productive? Sucking.

(WARNING: ANGRY RANT DETECTED!)

So Phil Rogers was apparently out of new ideas yesterday, so he decided to recycle everyone's favorite topic...booing.

With five victories in their last six games, the Cubs are 15-12. That's not bad, but the just-completed 4-2 homestand ended with many fans acting as if they were following a last-place team.

"I'll tell you this. It's counterproductive," manager Lou Piniella said of the booing. "Athletics is a tough profession. Playing baseball every day is not easy. Nobody's immune from struggling. The more they encourage our players, the easier for everybody involved."

As I've said many times before, the only thing keeping this team from winning it all is a little encouragement.

I understand that Lou is just answering a question, but he still manages to give the same BS answer we've been hearing in this town for years...

If we would stop booing, the players would play better.

Yeah. Somehow I doubt it was the lack of cheers that made Todd Hundley one of the worst-hitting catchers of my lifetime. I find it hard to believe that Patterson or Pie would have torn it up if we had all buttoned up. Don't try to blame your ineptness on us. We don't make you swing at ball four or miss the cutoff man.

Here's the deal. None of us find losing lovable anymore. In fact, many of us never did in the first place. We were pumped when the Cubs management finally started to understand that. But with all the big deals and big names comes bigger expectations. We EXPECT to win now. Actually, fuck that (sorry, Mom), we DEMAND it. It's been a long time coming.

If that seems unfair, well, it isn't. When the team we root for with every once of our being plays like shit, it upsets us. When we get upset, we boo. We don't boo because we are assholes (mostly) or because we don't like the players (occasionally). We boo because we want the players to want it as much as we do. It's that simple.

Go Cubs.

(Whew. I feel better now, thanks.)

What Has Two Thumbs and the Ability to Kill a Winning Streak? This Guy.

That's right ladies and gents, the nightmare is back! Against the advice of friends, family, and the occasional angry commenter, I have decided to lift my self-imposed ban and once again return to Wrigley Field.

Please hide the women and children, wrap Aramis in bubble tape, and PLEASE, for the love of God, don't bet on the Cubs this afternoon. Nothing good can or will happen today.

As my four readers are well aware, I am now riding a personal best 10 game losing streak dating back to the beginning of last year. Ten times, I have stepped inside the historic ballpark known as the Friendly Confines and 10 times the Cubs have lost...in a row.

Then why am I going back, you ask? Well, for two reasons.

1) I have been given free tickets to a suite where I will be able to enjoy copious amounts of free beer.

2) Actually, it's just the one reason.

So wave bye-bye to the four-game winning streak; say too-ta-loo to the return of D-Lee's power stroke; and wish the juiced-up Theriot happy trails.

It all comes crashing back to Earth right around 1:20 pm CST today.

My condolences.

Go Cubs.

P.S. In my pre-defense, they are going up against the reigning Cy Young winner, Tim Lincecum, today, so the blame can't all be on my shoulders, right? Right? Bueller?

UPDATE: Pre-defense Part II:

This is the lineup that Lou is trotting out there today. Wow. Murder's Row. The loss will soooo not be my fault.

J. Gathright cf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.111
A. Miles ss	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.190
K. Fukudome rf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.312
D. Lee 1b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.207
M. Hoffpauir lf	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.324
M. Fontenot 3b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.266
B. Scales 2b	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
K. Hill c	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.323
S. Marshall p

Hendry's Greatest Misses, 2008-2009 Edition

The reaction of some Cubs fans to this past offseason has been focused on a single trade: Mark DeRosa for three minor leaguers. According to many, Brock-for-Broglio is now #2 in “Worst Trades in Cub History.” The Cubs gave away the greatest player in Cubs history (next to Mark Grace, of course). In fact…

Mark DeRosa doesn’t read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Mark DeRosa’s hand is the only one that beats a Royal Flush.
Mark DeRosa can kill two stones with one bird.

While Mark DeRosa has been retroactively turned into Cubs’ fans version of Chuck Norris, it’s important to realize that there’s been a series of bad decisions, bad luck, and general crappiness that has lead to the blech that currently surrounds this Cubs team. Starting in July 2008, from top to bottom , this organization has made significant mistakes that, while they can certainly be overcome, have nonetheless put this team into a much bigger hole than most of us had anticipated for the 2009 season. While there are plenty more mistakes strewn about the organizational moves that have occurred over the last 3-4 years, but here are some of some of the most significant contributors to the Cubs’ current problems over the last year NOT including the Mark DeRosa trade:

#1: July 31, 2008-The LA Dodgers trade for Manny Ramirez

Without Manny Ramirez, the Dodgers would ne-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ever have won the West last year. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the Dodgers were the single worst matchup the Cubs could have had in the playoffs last year. No team in the playoffs had a series of excellent control/sinkerballing right handed pitching that would highlight the Cubs’ general right-handedness. Of course, losses in these three games would mean more than the wins in 97 other games, because...

#2: October 2008-Jim Hendry Watches Playoffs

Could someone have simply lured Jim Hendry to some tv-less island in the Pacific with the promise of honey glazed delicacies during the 2008 playoffs? Yes-the Cubs had a lot of right handed hitters. In 99.9% of the situations, it wouldn’t have made a huge difference. In fact, it didn’t make that much of a difference in the 2008 playoffs (Ryan Dempster’s inability to throw strikes, along with about 1,000 other things, should be listed before “too right handed” comes in). Unfortunately, in true Jim Hendry fashion, he saw a single (minor) problem, decided to fixate on that problem, and built an entire offseason on a philosophy that really wasn’t going to make this team better. Speaking of philosophies that won't make the team better…

#3: November 14, 2008: Cubs trade Jose Ceda for Kevin Gregg

Why is it when Jim Hendry openly declares that he wants to address a certain position in the offseason (in this case, the bullpen), he rarely succeeds in making the position better, but most certainly makes the position more expensive?

Year to year, the least predictable position on every single team is the bullpen. All bullpen pitchers are inherently limited. If they were truly solid, consistent pitchers, they’d be starters. The only thing that is guaranteed by signing middle relievers to contracts over $1 million per year is that you’re going to waste money. Yet Jim Hendry does it year after year. After year. After year.

Kevin Gregg is a mediocre middle reliever. So, really, is Aaron Heilman. There is almost no difference between Angel Guzman and Aaron Heilman, except maybe $1.5 million.

The Cubs will pay $9.5 million to relievers not named Carlos Marmol this year. Think about that a little bit, then try and not swallow a bottle of aspirin.

#4: November 18, 2008: Cubs re-sign Ryan Dempster

Ryan Dempster had a career year last year and a significant amount of it was due, unfortunately, to luck. Virtually all of his peripheral stats indicated that his shortcomings didn’t quite impact his overall numbers in the way they should have.

While Dempster is a decent starter, Hendry yet again jumped the gun and overpaid without letting the market dictate the best course of action. At the news conference announcing the signing, Hendry said, “"It was imperative that we kept him in-house. No doubt in our minds that Ryan would have exceeded this deal on the streets in three or four weeks from now, the way the market is for starting pitching.”

Unfortunately, the market didn’t quite respond the way he thought it would. Aside from the Sabathia and Burnett signings, very few of the Free Agent pitchers did better than Dempster, who unfortunately may be what he’s been for the majority of his career (i.e. a 4th starter) over the next four years.

#5: December 31, 2008: Cubs sign Aaron Miles

I played in a Six-Foot and under intramural basketball league in college. It was nice-all of us short, sad players were put on the same level and didn’t have to deal with 6’5” trees making us feel bad with all their “talent.” Apparently, Jim Hendry needed extra players for the MLB version of the Six Foot and Under league.

It wasn’t just that Aaron Miles sucks. Or that he sucks. Or that he sucks. It’s that, once again, Hendry completely misjudged the market, bid against himself (AGAIN), and paid 2.5 mil per year for a guy he could have gotten for $500,000 a month and a half later. Take a look at the infielders who signed this offseason:

Orlando Hudson: 1 year, $3.4 million ($4.6 in potential bonuses)
Ray Durham: Unsigned
Mark Grudzielanek: Unsigned
David Eckstein: 1 year, $850,000
Adam Everett: 1 year, $1 million
Alex Cora: 1 year, $2 million
Felipe Lopez: 1 year, $3.5 million
Joe Crede: 1 year, $2.5 million
Aaron Miles: 2 years, $4.9 million

This is a list of players who aren’t very good. Still, I’d take every single one of them over Aaron Miles-and Aaron Miles, considering both cost and length of contract is the MOST EXPENSIVE PLAYER ON THIS LIST.



While overreacting to 21 games is a little ridiculous, I don’t think it’s too early to begin to critique some of the moves Jim Hendry made this offseason. This GM has consistently been able to gloss over his mistakes by throwing unprecedented amounts of money at the Cubs’ shortcomings. Realistically, there is virtually no way to spend $134 million on a team (in a division in which no team spends near that much) and not be the best team. But, unlike GMs like Theo Epstein who spend a lot of money but also develop from within, Hendry has been unable to develop a minor league system that can fill gaps on the major league team-hence the need to consistently overpay for mediocrity.

Given the current financial situation of the Cubs, Hendry will have to actually be a real GM for the next year or so. So far, the returns aren’t good. The core of this team is aging quickly (some much more quickly than others, right Derrek?). If Hendry continues to show an inability to do what needs to be done within a budget, the next few years could be ugly.

18 Games In...I'm Out.

Call me irrational. Call me a quitter. Call me a typical "the sky is falling" Cubs fan. I don't care. After 18 games of mostly lousy baseball, I'm done. I can't stand watching this team. Every time I turn them on, I get sick to my stomach. I should have known better too. Hendry never really gave them a shot to be successful. Gone are the veteran bats that could get the big hit in the clutch (Read: DeRosa and Edmonds). In their place are an always injured basket case who's hitting TWENTY (not 200, TWENTY) and Aaron Miles (Sucks). Good god. Throw in Soto's sophomore slump along with D-Lee's rotting corpse and I am actually shocked that they have won two games, let alone nine.

And then there is the pitching.

Ignoring the starters for a moment (who have been at least serviceable), this team's pen is filled with one mind-boggling question after another. Why does Neal Cotts even get to suit up for games? Does he have some nude photos of Lou and a 13-year-old Guatemalan boy? Why was throwing away 5 million on everyone's favorite Frenchman and Vizcaino a good idea? Why stretch out Smarj only to use him out of the pen when he gets the call? Why did anyone think giving the ball to a kid who hadn't pitched above Double-A would work? Why sign a closer with a gimp knee? Why continue to mess with the already paper-thin psyche of your closer-in-waiting by yo-yoing him between holding and saving? Why is it so impossible for this collection of stiffs to find the strike zone? I could go on and on.

Throw in the typical Cubs base running gaffes and their continued refusal to make the easy play in the outfield and this team may well be on its way to a worse under-achieving performance than...2004. That's right, I said it.

So I am done. I'm out. F this team. I've washed my hands of them...at least until around 8:40 CT tonight.

Go Cubs.

Time to Dust(y) Off the Live Blog

What better way to celebrate Dusty Baker's first visit to Wrigley in 2009 than with a live blog! Why a live blog you ask? Two reasons.

1) It's what we do here at FOTG when we are all out of original ideas.
2) It means I am not at the game tonight, which is better for everyone.

Stay tuned!

Go Cubs.

7:00PM:
If there is a better highlight than walk-off HR against the Cards, I have never seen it. Starting a bit late today, which gives us a few extra minutes with Len and Bob. Life is good.

7:02PM:
Fans of the new 90120 must hate the Cubs. They keep having their show bumped to midnight by these 7PM starts. Speaking of the new 90210, who the hell is still watching that pile of trash?

7:06PM:
I always feel bad for the Cubs Care guy. The only time he gets to be interviewed on air is during a rain delay...when no one is watching.

7:10PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of Harden. 1) He needs to get his pitch count down. 2) Rich should be able to handle tonight's weather because he's from Canada. Wow.

7:12PM:
Lou's dynamite analysis of the weather. "If it's nice out you play, if it's not you don't." Thanks again, Lou.

7:15PM:
Game time. Micah still playing right. Let's do this.

7:18PM:
Dusty is still a douche. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

7:20PM:
Rich has the nasty stuff working tonight in the 1st. Will he have it in the 3rd is the question of the night.

7:21PM:
If I was betting on the commercial we see the most tonight, I'd say it's the Will.I.AM-Bob Dylan Pepsi ad. I've already seen it 4 times in the last 15 minutes.

7:24PM:
Wow. Jay Bruce nearly ran over Taveras. Would have been great for the Cubs and disastrous for my fantasy team.

7:26PM:
Gotta love a long stretch of games in a row. Gives me an excuse to drink each day.

7:27PM:
D-Lee flies out, again. I know it's still early, but I am starting to believe that 2005 was a fluke.

7:29PM:
Damn, I forgot about the Comcast triple play ad. It's gonna be a tight race between that and the Pepsi ad. Am I the only one who notices these things.

7:30PM:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There was just a teaser for the WGN news tonight that mentioned the Midwest's largest strip club is opening soon. Why am I just hearing about this now?

7:32PM:
Fontenot makes a bid for a web gem with his "leap" and grab of a looping liner. Great play. Jay Bruce follows with a HR. Bad play (unless, hypothetically, you have him on your fantasy team).
1-0 Reds.

7:35PM:
I have no stats to back this up, but I think Harden does better when he doesn't have a ton of strikeouts. I'd check Cubs.com to verify this theory, but I'd rather surf for porn.

7:37PM:
Our first Micah v. Micah match-up is won by Hoffpauir. Suck on that, Owings. (I have no idea if I spelled either of those names correctly.)

7:42PM:
Anytime Aramis plays in weather like this, I pray for homers and singles. The last thing we need is for him to pull his groin trying to leg out a double. Actually, that may apply to all weather conditions now that I think about it.

7:44PM:
First Micah HR of a Micah. That's a stat we all needed. Thanks WGN!

7:45PM:
Geo still struggling, although he did move the always-grimacing-when-he-runs-just-to-scare-the-shit-out-of-me Aramis to third with a fly ball.

7:48PM:
Anyone who still boos when the pitcher throws to first should be kicked in the junk. Repeatedly. Why are you booing? Are you in a hurry?

7:49PM:
Theriot stays surface-of-the-sun hot and smokes a single to left. 2-1 good guys. Harden follows with a beautiful bunt that results in a hit. Bases drunk for you know who.

7:51PM:
Even with the bases loaded and the wind blowing in from left, I'd walk him. That's why my phone never rings when there is a managing vacancy.

7:55PM:
Fuku is first pitch swinging (because that makes sense when the pitcher is wild) and flies out to center. Cubs leave them loaded, but score two in the inning. That's so Cubs.

7:57PM:
Unrelated: My wife is getting her hair cut tonight and when I asked her how long it would take, she said "two hours." She wasn't joking. Reason #4,567 I'm glad I'm a dude.

7:59PM:
Two straight Ks for Harden. He apparently didn't read my scouting report. Jerk.

8:01PM:
Willy T. pops out to Lee at the exact same moment that I realize I didn't start Bruce this week. Coincidence? I doubt it.

8:03PM:
Two things. 1) Why does Brenly have to scream the promotions he reads? 2) What does D-Lee have against taking a pitch?

8:04PM:
Micah v. Micah Round 2 goes to Hoff with a base on balls. All is for not as Aramis grounds into a DP. Hooray.

8:10PM:
A stray cat wandered onto the field and a security guy decided to pick it up by its tail...which got him booed by those in attendance. That might be the first legit boo by Cubs fans in years. That guy better watch out for the PETA mafia on his way home tonight. Just saying.

8:17PM:
And...then the fans ruin their one-straight good boo streak by booing a fan for catching a not-at-all-in-play foul ball near the "Bartman area" in left. Good times. 2-2 after three and a half.

8:25PM:
Theriot's .415 BA is making it harder and harder for me to hate him for no particular reason. Striking out, though, keeps the hatred alive. Cubs go quietly in the 4th.

8:29PM:
Unrelated #2: An anonymous tipster sent the Consumerist a picture of a new Burger King sandwich that is in the works that is a "sloppy joe inside a fried shell."

It may be because I am starving, but that sounds delicious.

8:35PM:
Willy Taveras uses his speed to reach with an infield single, followed by Brenly using "ironically" wrong. Not sure which one makes me more mad. D-Lee digs out a throw from Theriot to end the inning. Still dueces up (2-2).

8:41PM:
How long does Fuku have to play well this year to be considered a non-bust? 150 games? 130? Seems like everyone I talk to is just waiting for his collapse to begin. In interest of full disclosure, I am one of those people.

8:45PM:
D-Lee CRUSHES it to left, but the wind holds it in. Fortunately for the Cubs, the OF somehow muffs it and the bases are again intoxicated. I know there is no way to measure this, but that may be the hardest hit single of all time.

8:48PM:
Micah v. Micah round 3 again goes to Micah H. as he hits a sac fly to deep center. 3-2 Cubs. (YELLING) Larry, I have the rounds at 10-7 (knockdown), 10-9, 10-8! Micah Owings needs a big round here or he's got not chance!

8:54PM:
Speaking of boxing (see what I did there?), Aramis lands the knockout blow with a RBI single to right and Micah is down for the count. 4-2 Cubs.

8:56PM:
Bad omen? Bud Light Fan Cam, featuring the musical styling of Wang Chung tonight, experiences some technical difficulties. Not good. Not good at all.

8:58PM:
Reds reliever Lincoln plunks Fontenot and walks Soto which plates a run and brings...wait for it...brings Dick Pole to the Mound. I think I have that DVD somewhere. 5-2 Cubs as we head to the 6th.

9:07PM:
I am pretty sure that the Reds didn't score in the 6th, but I helping the wife pack for Baltimore. Unrelated #3: While I have never been to Baltimore, I am nearly certain that the question "Do you wanna go to Baltimore?" is always answered with "Not even on a dare."

9:12PM:
Soriano smokes the bag with a ball and somehow ends up with a double. During the play, Votto takes out the legs of Bruce and nearly ends the season of both my fantasy teams simultaneous. I may have pooped myself a little bit.

9:18PM
Lincoln apparently is attempting to throw pitches with his eye closed again. He hits Fuku and then walks D-Lee. Dusty FINALLY gives him the hook. I know I speak for everyone when I say that if nothing else, Dusty is a god when it comes to managing his pitchers.

9:21PM
Bob Brenly just describes the motion needed to throw a screw ball as "turning a door knob counter-clockwise if you are a righty and clockwise if you are a lefty." I hurt my forearm just thinking about that. I'm day to day with an arm.

9:23PM
After Reed strikes out, Aramis says "I FEAR NOT YOUR SILLY PITCH!" with a two-run scoring single to right. 7-2 Tiny Bears.

9:29PM
Even with a 7-2 lead, this bullpen's not-being-able-to-get-outs-ness worries me.

9:36PM
The Class 4A basketball champs are gonna sing? THE CLASS 4A BASKETBALL CHAMPS ARE GONNA SING!

9:38PM
As the fans begin their on-going debate over which field "sucks," The Riot keeps on keeping on with another single. Two on, two out as Aaron Miles (Sucks) comes in to pinch "hit." Color me excited.

9:43PM
A full five minutes later, Aaron Miles (Sucks) is still at the dish. Will wonders never cease?

9:44PM
Aaron Miles (Sucks) strikes out, proving my question to be rhetorical.

9:48PM
Neal Cotts is warming up which means somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan is crying.

9:49PM
The bases continue to be unable to hold their liquor as they are now loaded for D-Lee. With two outs making it impossible for him to hit into a DP, I am guessing walk.

9:53PM
Lee proves me wrong and flies out to shortest left. Sigh.

9:59PM
Cotts follows a full-count K with a first pitch single and a walk. Somewhere in Chicago a Cubs fan has thrown something breakable at something hard.

10:04PM
Cotts is relieved of his duties (let us hope permanently) as Marmol comes in and induces a quick fly out. He then proceeds to throw at Jay Bruce's knee solidifying the fact that God hates my fantasy team. Marmol K's Bruce and the the lead remains 5.

10:07PM
We have a late charge in the most seen commercial race tonight as Southwest's "Lady Boxing Out On the Elevator" makes its move!

10:07PM
Bob and Len discuss how far it is from Puerto Rico to Seattle. That's what you get with a 5-run lead.

10:12PM
Is it just me or does it seem like they crank up the outfield mics in games like this? All I can hear are the drunken morons screaming at each other. Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky.

10:16PM
Maybe I am an idiot, but why exactly is Bradley appealing his suspension? Since he's not on the DL, he would have served his suspension already if he doesn't hit tonight. I understand there are principalities involved here, but they seem trivial at best.

10:12PM
Viscaino in to close it out. All 3,000 fans left are thrilled.

10:25PM
The ump appears to have no plans tonight as he calls a borderline strike three pitch a ball. Next pitch is hit off the wall. Jerry Hairston Jr. then gets booed for no reason other than the drunks kind of remember his name...sort of.

10:25PM
JHJ takes strike three looking and the Cubs wrap up another one. Time to sing.

Go Cubs.

Even Saw the Lights of the Goodyear Blimp...And it Said Ice Cube's a Pimp

Cubs beat the birds on a walk off in extra innings. Bulls beat the defending champs in OT to start the playoffs. Blackhawks beat the Cal-GARY Fle-Mays to go up 2-0 in their playoff series.


Unless Chicago sleeps with Scarlett Johannsen tonight, this is about as good as it gets.

This Is Getting Ridiculous.

0-9.

That's the Cubs record with me in the stands dating back to the start of the 2008 season. Seriously.

ZERO WINS.

They haven't won in OVER A YEAR with me in attendance. I don't know why this is continues to happen. I have not taunted the baseball gods. I avoid cracks. I walk around ladders. I don't break mirrors. I haven't crossed paths with any black cats. I have not looked at a new moon over my left shoulder nor have I sung before breakfast (thanks Google). And yet...the Cubs continue to lose. It's infuriating. With that in mind, I have some good news and some bad news.

First the bad news. I am going today. Sorry.

Good news? If they lose today, I will not go anymore. I promise (not really).

Go Cubs.

Even Cubs Fans Don't Deserve This...

(via bestweekever.tv)

Making this poor kid a Cubs fan is punishment enough. Letting Chris Brown hold him gets you a visit from Child Protective Services. Put the kid down, Chris. Put the kid down and back away slowly.

Go Cubs.

Things I Know After One Week

As I sat and watched Len Casper finally accomplish his goal of jinxing Lilly's no-hit bid yesterday, I reflected on the week that was. From a Cubs perspective, it had been a good week. Two series wins, an opening day victory for Z and another masterful pitching performance from Theodore "Rosy" Lilly. While you can't really make an informed decision after 7 games, I will. Here is what I know after a week of baseball.

1) Ted Lilly might be the most underrated Cubs pitcher this or any year.
While continuing to remind us every chance he got that Lilly had "only allowed a walk so far" and "the Cubs had the only hits in the game" and "the Rockies were hitless," Len Casper mentioned a stat that floored me. Lilly has now taken a no-hitter into the 7th in 3 of his past 5 starts. Wow. That's pretty friggin' amazing. Lost in the shadow of Z's "intensity," Harden's "durability" and Dempster's "hijinxery," Lilly's consistency is often overlooked. All he does is take the ball every fifth day and dominate. It's like Marquis, only the opposite. I doff my cap to you, sir.

2) Reed Johnson Likes Him Some Drama
Like so many Cubs fans, I cursed the moment Prince made contact with that pitch Sunday night. That ball was gone, as was the lead and probably the game. I was only watching to see how far he hit it. Then I saw Reed setting himself up near the wall. I thought it was wishful thinking on his part, but admired the effort. Then I watched him leap. I still doubted him, but applauded his moxy. Then my jaw hit the floor as he reached out, snagged the ball and landed. I will doubt him no more. My apologies.

3) Kevin Gregg is...I have no idea.
Honestly, I have trouble understanding how he gets anyone out. But he does...sometimes. I find myself holding my breath with each pitch. I think it's because I'm not used to watching him yet (or at least I hope that's what it is). What I do know is that I don't picture myself uttering the phrase, "We got this, Gregg's coming in..." at any point this year.

4a) Ian Snell Isn't a Caucasian.
I have had Ian Snell on probably 90% of my fantasy teams over the years (yes, suck at fantasy baseball). We have a tumultuous history to say the least and I was pretty confident I knew everything there was to know about this "talented" pitcher. Imagine my surprise when I turned on the Pirates game (thanks again for the free week of MLB Extra Innings, DirecTV) and he wasn't a lanky, white dude. His name is Ian for god's sake. I thought it was a no-brainer.

4b) Aaron Harang Should Not Be In HD....EVER!
I IMed Martin while watching Harang pitch this week wondering if he had a functioning liver. The man looks like he is one coughing fit away from dying on the mound. I can't believe that no one is talking about how amazing it is that he can pitch a 3-hit shutout with the gout. Unreal.

5) There are Subtle Differences Between Len Casper and Hawk Harrelson Sharing Bad News
I was flipping between the Sox game and the Cubs pregame yesterday when the sad news about Harry Calas's passing reached both announcers. Len invited Pat Hughes onto the broadcast and they spent the next 20 minutes discussing what he meant to not only Philly fans, but fans of baseball in general. I switched back over to the Sox game and was greeted with this from Hawk:

(paraphrasing)
(excited) So it's 8-4 good guys as we go into the top of the 5th! As I was saying last inning, news is that...uh...Harry Calas...uh...long-time voice of the Phillies...has....uh....he's dead. (awkward pause not filled by Steve Stone) I remember the saddest news I have ever received in the booth...when...uh...Donny Drysdale died. (pause) So, Stoney...how many dogs you have these days?

See, I told you it was subtle.

Go Cubs.

The Wonders of MLB Game Mix

I've spent the last three days trying to convince my wife that we must have the MLB Extra Innings Package. She thinks its stupid. She is, of course crazy, because without the MLB Package, specifically the MLB Game Mix, I couldn't possibly learn the following things:

Rob Dibble is the color man for the Washington Nationals. He's still an uberdouche.

Despite both Rob Dibble and the utter crappiness of both teams, I watched the entirety of the Nationals-Marlins game. What the hell is wrong with me?

The Padres waited all of two days before introducing the camouflage unis, essentially saying to their fans "we're gonna suck, so here are some pretty colors."

The NY station did a two minute explanation of the architect behind the bridge in Cincinnati. I guess they've run out of baseball stories after three games.

The story ended by stating that, architecturally, Cincinnati was about 30 years ahead of New York when the bridge was built. To which the main announcer responded "Cincinnati 30 years ahead of New York? In anything? That's a joke." Nothing like confirming the stereotype about New Yorkers, dude.

Dusty Baker is still dumb.

I can't explain how fun it is to watch angry Baltimore fans boo Mark Teixeira every time he touches the ball. Especially because he's a first baseman.

Speaking of Teixeira, its just like a Yankee to think he's too good for the rules of grammar. "i before e EXCEPT AFTER C" asshole. Go sit with Jhonny Peralta.

I really want a Sham-Wow. I have no idea why.

Participating in the Neifiball league this year has taught me one powerful lesson: its much more interesting to root for crappy players to fail than root for good players to succeed. And much less disappointing.

Michael Barrett managed to both catch a throw in from the outfield and actually tagged a guy out at the plate. Its good to know he can actually do that.

Why haven't we gotten to a point at which anyone who uses the phrase "clogging up the bases" isn't immediately flogged?

If you're going to ask Ozzie Guillen about a really important yet sad topic (i.e. Nick Adenhart), you may want to verify that what he said was coherent before putting it on the pregame show.

The Pittsburgh announcers refer to their position players the same way other announcers refer to their pitchers: "Ground ball hit to TODAY'S first baseman."

It took all of three games for the asshole on the YES network to mention Steve Bartman. In a game in which the Cubs were not involved. And a play involving no one who was involved in the 2003 playoffs. Or anyone who was ever even on the Cubs. They spent the next inning talking about a Cubs curse.

So much for wanting the Extra Innings Package.

All Aboard the Crazy Train.

After the late inning loss to the Astros a couple of nights ago, like most Cubs fans, I was less than happy. Actually, to be more accurate, I was furious. Seething mad. Insanely pessimistic. In short, I was a nutjob.

For the next 24 hours, I stewed about bad this team was and how they had broken my heart once again. This was after TWO games. It got to the point where I had planned on writing a rant about the team detailing their faults and highlighting their failures. Again, after game TWO.

Then, thanks to my chronic laziness, the day slipped on by and I found myself listening to last night's game and enjoying myself once again (early 8-0 leads can do that). Gone was the anger that had me preparing 1000 scathing words on why Fuku should NEVER play (oops), Fontenot was never gonna be as good as DeRo (double oops) and that the bullpen was going to our downfall (triple oops).

It was strange how fast my mood had changed. I no longer wanted to point out how much D-Lee sucks and that everyone outside of Soriano was tanking. I no longer had the desire to go on and on about how dumb the Miles signing (still dumb) had been. I had no desire to rail on Cotts or Gregg or anyone else for that matter. So what had changed? Well, for one...the Cubs were winning again. For two, I realized that I had not prepared myself emotionally ir mentally for another baseball season. I had forgotten that losses aren't nearly as catastrophic in baseball as they are in the NFL or college hoops. My brain hadn't made the switch to baseball thinking yet and a 1-1 start to the season seemed like a disaster.

The good news is that I think I have made the transition now or at least I hope I have. I am going to try my best to not let the next loss send me over the edge like an insane person (or a Yankees fan).

If they lose this weekend, I WILL take it in stri...ah, who am I kidding. I will be in the corner, quietly weeping in my beer.

Go Cubs.

One Shining Moment (Well, Three Actually)

What, you thought I'd put a picture of the NBA's next Cherokee Parks here? Keep dreaming.

So yesterday wasn't all bad, right? Before the national nightmare came to fruition (Tyler Hansbrough: NCAA Champion), your Chicago Cubs took the field for opening day 2009 and actually managed to win for once. Will wonders never cease? The game was entertaining and gave us a glimpse at what this latest version of Lou's club will play like. There was some good, some bad and some Fuku.

The Good
Aramis and Soriano
Leadoff homers? Check. Both Ramirez and Soriano seemed to be seeing the ball rather well last night and smacked a couple of Oswalt "fastballs" into the seats in left. Good sign. Both are now on pace for 162 HRs this year, which would be a record of some sort.

Big Z
I was a shocked as anyone to see Carlos pitching well on opening day. I guess that the 5th time is the charm. Sinker wasn't really working and he ran out of petrol towards the end, but a win is a win is a win is a win.

Bullpen
Heilman (aka the guy I forgot was on the club) looked decent pitching out of a mini-jam in the 7th. Marmol did his best Scott Schields impersonation (creating drama and then getting out of it) in the 8th and Gregg closed out a shaky 9th for the W. Could have been better, but at least now we know if nothing else, it's gonna be "entertaining" to watch these guys all year.

The Bad
D-Lee
0-fer with a K, two ground outs and one warning track power shot. Is it too early to replace him with Micah? Probably, but remember where you heard it first.

"Guys in the Truck"
Replays kept running over actual live ABs last night. Come on fellas, you are better than this. (Sorry, not a lot to be mad about after a win in the first game of the year.)

The Fuku
The now "acclimated" Fukudome went 0-fer and looked lost (still) at the plate. Brenly mentioned that it would "behoove" him to get off to a hot start which is about a 1000 times nicer than what I was saying about him. He looked so bad I was actually talking myself into a lineup with Bradley in center with Micah in right...and I was sober. Not a good start.

All in all, it was just great to have baseball back. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I found myself watching eight consecutive hours yesterday. God bless you, DirecTV and your free week of MLB Extra Innings.

Go Cubs.

PS. Thanks to Rush the Court, here is last night's One Shining Moment in case you missed it.

Better Than the Pirates...How's That For Predication?

Now there's an image to get you pumped up for the 2009 season, eh? Am I right? Bueller?

Anyhoo, when last we left our friendly, north side baseball club, they were being handed their own asses on a platter. But why dwell on the past, right? As a new season begins, the hopes and dreams of Cubs fans everywhere are the highest they will be all year. The slate, as the say, has been wiped clean. Gone are the painful memories of last year. In their place is the hope that this year is THE year. It's a good feeling, no matter how fleeting.

So, as we count down the hours until Z takes the mound, I thought I would break from the blogger tradition of season previews and predictions and offer up a few things that WON'T happen in 2009.

1) The Cubs Will Not Win the World Series.
Sorry, I thought it would be less painful if I got this one out of the way first. As much as I like this team and the additions that our buffet-loving GM made, there are still more questions than answers. Will Harden and Bradley stay healthy? Can Fuku remember how to connect the bat with the ball? Can the bullpen survive without Wuertz's sliders or Guadin's facial hair? Do the Cubs have any outfield defense? Sadly, the answers to those questions are: No, No, Never and God No. That will make it hard to win the division, let alone the World Series. Lucky for the Cubs, the NL Central is going to be horrific.

2) Carlos Zambrano Will Not Win the Cy Young.
He will be a 20-game winner though, so there's that. Maturity and command, two things that have eluded Carlos his whole career, will finally help him reach that elite pitcher status. Fear not, Z fans. You can still count on him for a tantrum or seven and possibly a few questionable hair styles.

3) The Cardinals Will Not Go Away (Until August)
A nucleus of young talent will help the hated Cardinals keep pace with the Cubs until after the All-Star break. Then, after failing to land Peavy at the trade deadline, they will collapse under the considerable weight of their shitty rotation.

4) Jake Peavy Will Not Finish the Season a Padre.
Unfortunately, he will also not finish the season a Cub. After a fierce bidding war, the D-backs will land Peavy in a trade that sends the struggling Justin Upton and a collection of minor league arms to San Diego.

5) The White Sox Will Not Finish In Last Place.
They will finish in second to last. Quentin and Ramirez will come back down to earth. Fields will be a bust. The rotation outside of Buehrle and Danks is awful. Not good news for a division that may be the strongest in the AL this year. I hope they do better, but I doubt it.

Let's get it started!

Go Cubs.