100 Random Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 2

21. Former Cub Augie Ojeda (3 HR, 31 RBI from 2000-04) gets a standing ovation when he’s announced at Wrigley, while former Cub Jacques Jones (32 HR, 146 RBI from 2006-07) gets booed. I'm OK with that.

22. I would have given one of my testicles to spend a season hanging out with Mark Grace during the “slump-buster” years.

23. I think I’ve finally cracked the code as to what makes a Cubs player “hot” according to my wife. Two words: Chin Stubble.

24. The difference between good and bad seats at Wrigley is directly related to your distance from the bleachers.

25. Steve Stone is flying up the rankings of Chicago Cubs I would most like to kick in the ear.

26. I’m confident enough in my manhood that I can freely admit I’ve gotten stage fright trying to use one of those men’s room troughs. There’s just something unsettling about accidental eye contact when I’m trying to pee.

27. Does anyone even know what a River Rat is? Or why a Cardinal fan would be offended if you call him that? Me either. So stop it.

28. If you ask someone to list their favorite Cubs and Sosa makes the list but not Maddux, you are allowed to elbow them in eye.

29. Does anyone else think Fontenot is getting grooming tips from Mickey Morandini?

30. Dear Fox, we’re all aware that Dempster does a great Harry Caray impersonation. That doesn’t mean we want to see it EVERY time you broadcast a Cubs game. Just thought you should know.

31. They should rename “70’s Night” at Wrigley “Night I Give Away My Tickets.”

32. Daryl Ward’s permanent ear-to-ear grin is proof that there are still good guys playing this game.

33. I assume someone on the Cubs is teaching Fukudome new English words. I just hope that person is Carlos Zambrano.

34. Maybe Soriano wouldn’t strike out so much if he stopped trying to hit the ball with the actual trunk of a redwood tree.

35. I find myself praying “please don’t be corked” every time ANY Cubs player shatters his bat now. I’m pretty sure that’s unhealthy.

36. When the hot dog vendor asks you if you would like condiments, what he’s really asking is, “Would you like to ruin the shirt you're wearing?”

37. If Randy Johnson doesn’t pitch after it rains, how come the Cubs haven't pulled the “rain out trick” from Bull Durham before? This isn’t rocket science people.

38. Many things look better in HD, Lou Pinella is not one of them.

39. You know what the opposite of The Rally Monkey is? Felix Pie.

40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.

21-60 Coming Soon!

Tale of the Tape: Winners versus Losers Edition

Given the speculation on the part of Paul Sullivan that the Cubs will send Felix Pie down and call up some garbage AAA player, I think it would be nice to take a moment and recognize the manner in which this decision would emphasize the difference between a well run organization (the Boston Red Sox) and a poorly run organization (the Chicago Cubs).

Read More...

The Red Sox had a top prospect put up a line of .182/.308/.544 in his first 60 at bats of the 2007 season.

The Cubs have had a top prospect put up a line of .217/.284/.567 in his first 60 at bats of the 2008 season.

The Red Sox prospect put up a career .308/.453/.845 line in 1040 minor league at bats.

The Cubs prospect put up a .300/.358/.826 line in over 2000 minor league at bats.

The Red Sox prospect is 23.

The Cubs prospect is 22.

The Red Sox are a large market team expected to contend every year, thus increasing the pressure to not wait around for young players.

The Cubs are a large market team expected to contend each year, thus increasing the pressure to not wait around for young players .

The Red Sox have a solid lineup that was at or near the top of every offensive category in 2007 even though the prospect put up a horrible line in his first 60 ABs.

The Cubs have a solid lineup that is at or near the top of every offensive category in 2008 even though the prospect put up a horrible line in his first 60 ABs.

The Red Sox chose to continue to give the young player at bats, live with his struggles and stupid media critiques, and allow him to learn on the field, as he had mastered every level he had ever played in after an adjustment period.

The Cubs have chosen to jerk the prospect around, giving him sporadic at bats (expecting him to prove something in the 4 at bats he gets per week) and virtually relegating him to pinch runner/defensive replacement.

The Red Sox prospect (Dustin Pedroia) took his lumps, learned on the job, bounced back and won the Rookie of the Year award in 2008.

The Red Sox went on to win the World Series.

The Cubs seem intent on getting to that all-important triple digit number between World Series wins.

The conclusion here is clear: while media dopes and others love to harp on curses and billy goats and Bartmans, the Cubs are only cursed with one thing: terminal stupidity.

100 and Counting...

That's not a typo. The little Cubs blog that could has made it to a milestone...100 Posts! I want to take this opportunity to thank our regular readers (thanks Jeff and Mom!) and all the people who have stopped by now and then to see if we had fallen on our faces yet. It's been a lot of fun.

In honor of this festive occasion, we've decided to do a list (I know, we're nothing if not original).

100 Random Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 1

1. I’ve never listened to Len and Bob’s Podcast and I’m OK with that.

2. I wish I could time my craps like Pat Hughes. You could set your watch to that man's BMs.

3. Geovany Soto is the second coming of…man, we’ve had a lot of shitty catchers over the years.

4. Someone needs to kick Ronnie Woo Woo in the throat (yes, the anger management classes are working, thanks for asking).

5. “If you hate him so much, why do you continue to read his stuff?” is the question the logical part of my brain asks me each time I finish reading a Mariotti column. I wish I had an answer.

6. There’s hell, there’s the 7th circle of hell and then there’s listening to the another worthless guest conductor during the seventh inning stretch. For the love of God, make it stop.

7. I want a championship for Ron Santo so bad it actually hurts.

8. “That ball’s got a chance…gone!” is quickly becoming my favorite home run call.

9. God Damn it Fontenot, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this o'lay bullshit.

10. It’s not officially summer until you hear: “Ladies and gentleman, here to sing ‘Take Me Out to The Ballgame’…the Illinois class 2A Girls Field Hockey Champions!”

11. Every time I’m flipping channels and I come across Chicago Tribune Live on Comcast SportsNet, I die a little inside. (I know, let’s put GIANT pictures of the sports page behind us! That will really class up this broadcast!)

12. I can’t explain it, but I really get a kick out of Pat Hughes describing the uniforms. It’s so old-timey!

13. You know what the difference is between a good Cubs game and a bad one? Rich Hill. (Zing!)

14. I found out recently that there’s a drinking game where you do a shot ever time Zambrano adjusts himself on the mound. How has no one died playing this yet?

15. I wish I could have been in the meeting when the Comcast execs came up with the “Let’s have a bulldog as a mascot!” idea. If that was the big winner, how bad where the rest of the ideas?

16. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you notice that they haven't put up a new number on one of the games on the out-of-town scoreboard in long time and then you suddenly realize you’ve got the pitcher on your fantasy team. Ruins my day every time.

17. I always see the foam claw vendor, but I never actually see any foam claws in the stands. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

18. Finding out that Corey Patterson was the worst lead off hitter in the majors this year made me smile. Then I thought, how could he be worse than Soriano? Then I cried.

19. In my opinion, the jersey t-shirt may be the greatest invention since squeezable ketchup bottles. If only they had been around when I thought it was a wise investment to spend 90 bucks on a f*#king Corey Patterson jersey.

20. I haven’t heard a lot of “F#*k You Dome” jokes so far this year. Maybe that’s because I haven’t sat in the bleachers yet.

21-40 Coming Soon!

I Had No Idea...

Sir Charles is the real Ron Burgundy.




(I know it's not even baseball related, but it was too good to not share.)


Go Cubs.

While They Rest, Why Not Review?

So, after a "game" against Dusty Baker's Reds on Wednesday where the Cubs got beaten like a red-headed, freckled, bedazzled jean jacket-wearing step child, the gods of scheduling thankfully gave them an off day today. And boy do they need it.

On April 24th, they were 15-6 and coming off an exciting extra innings victory in the great state of Colorado. 13 games and one poorly timed Live Blog later, they are now 19-15. Eek. Experts, reports, bloggers, regular fans and whatever category Mariotti falls under (my vote is for "nincompoop") are losing their minds. Since I have already addressed the "Chicken Little" Syndrome" that seems to plague Cubs fans and HJE took these same fans behind the woodshed a few days ago, I feel my time is better served with some positive refection about this team. So, as the Cubs lick their wounds and prepare for the "best team in baseball" this weekend, let's take a tour of HappyCubstown, USA (pop. 4ish).

1) Carlos Zambrano Might, In Fact, Be Good At This Pitching Thing

Don't believe me? Want stats? Here you go:

After 8 starts last year, Carlos was rocking these numbers:

Record: 3-3
ERA: 5.83
IP: 46.1
Hits: 50
Runs: 32
ER: 30
BBI: 24
K: 35
HR: 10

Not exactly Cy Young-esque

Now, here are his stats for 2008 after the same amount of starts:

Record: 5-1
ERA: 1.80
Innings: 55
Hits: 47
Runs: 11
ER: 11
HR: 3
BBI: 14
K: 38

So basically, he is significantly better in EVERY category except for K's. Wow. Also remember, that he gets better as it gets warmer. If nothing else, it's gonna be a blast watching him pitch every 5th day. That and he's a borderline loon so...BONUS!

2) Rich Hill Can't Hurt You Anymore

I have always felt like the one sane person in a land of nut jobs when it came to Rich. I have been screaming myself hoarse over the years saying:

Rich Hill Sucks Donkey Testicles (and not in a good way)!

But does anyone listen? No. They pencil him in as the #3 starter, drool over the 15+ games he's gonna win, "ooh and ahh" when he throws one of those stupid 15 MPH sweeping curve balls that fools no one AND dance the jig when he falls to them in their fantasy draft.

Then what happens?

He is worse than anyone could have every imagined. Like, say, pulled after only recording 2 outs in the first inning worse, as an example.

I've seen this moron struggle with fielding drills that an 8 year old fresh off exploratory brain surgery could master and yet he's our golden boy? Huh? Wha?

At least Lou has seen the light and sent his ass packing. Good riddance.


NOTE: The first person who comes up to me in the next few weeks talking about how Hill has "found it" in the minors and rattles off the "awesome" strikeout numbers he is putting up on the farm, is going to get beat with his or her own shoe. Don't say I didn't warn you.

3) A Youth Movement With Absolutely Zero Ties to LSU

That's right. With Soto, Marmol and even Cedeno, the Cubs actually have some promising young talent that is not, in fact, "scrappy." Without going to overboard, there's a pretty good chance that two of these guys could become regular all-stars AND the third (that's you Ronnie) has a new "Oh, you want me to hit the ball OUT of the infield, now I get it!" approach which makes him valuable. Translation? More starts for Cedeno which means less at-bats for the "Bayou Boys." So, apparently there is a God and he hates gumbo. Good to know.

4) There's Only 6 Years Left In Soriano's Contract

I kid. I kid.

It's like 5.5 years.

Go Cubs.

For the Super Bored...Twitter.

I really love my cell phone. It's borderline unhealthy to be honest.

Anyways, now that I've got that off my chest, it's time to get excited people (Jeff and Mom)! I have added a new feature to the blog so that you can get the same overly sarcastic and mildly amusing thoughts on the Cubs that you crave even if my laptop is MIA. The new feature is over to the right.

Should be funny at times. Mostly not that funny, but whatever.

Feel free to comment in the chat if you want. No hard feelings. Yet.

Go Cubs.

Goofy Cubs Myspace Doppelganger of the Week

"Aramis Ramirez's" Myspace Page

The details:

• Aramis' quote is "I need to get out of this slump...any ideals?" (my emphasis added) Well, aside from my general love of a fully participatory democracy and maybe my belief that all would be well in the world if I got to eat more Inn-n-Out burgers, I'm fresh out of ideals. Stupid cynicism.

• The sheer amount of stupidity in the comments section is mesmerizing. I was a huge fan of the "Calvin pissing on _________" pictures until I realized this wasn't 1991 and I don't live in a trailer.

• Best example of the type of person who actually thinks that Aramis Ramirez would have the time or inclination to keep a myspace page:
  May 3 2008 6:17 PM
  man it sucks that u r hert well good job toughing it out to run the bases
  
  Enough said.
  

Where in the World is...

Jacque Dewayne Jones?

Filing for unemployment benefits, apparently.

Tigers designate OF Jacque Jones for assignment

DETROIT (AP) — Jacque Jones was cut Monday by the Detroit Tigers, who had promised a lineup shakeup going into a homestand against the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees.

Jones hit just .165 with a homer and five RBIs in 24 games for the Tigers, who acquired him during a busy offseason from the Chicago Cubs.

Two things about this stand out.

1) Can you really call cutting J-squared a shake-up?
2) You've got to have some huge cajones to cut a player with those kind of numbers. He's on pace for 5 HR, 25 RBI and 50 runs for God's sake! Hopefully, some team who is desperate to hit into more double plays will quickly snatch him up. Keep your fingers crossed.

Go Cubs.

Ozzie Guillen: Horse(beep) Connoisseur (VIDEO ADDED)

For those of you who missed it, Ozzie decided early May was the best time to start acting like an asshat.



Here is the full text:

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups -- 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' ... If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we're [bleep]."

"We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]," Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. "The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

"We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We're the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy's got seven [bleeping] rings, and he's the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner."

"How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North,' " Guillen said.

"People are panicking," Guillen said. "Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn't too long ago that we were 'the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox.' "

Well put, sir.

Go Cubs.

UPDATE:

I found the video. Enjoy!

The Sky is Falling!

Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be a Cubs fan. Yeah, I said it. ONE DAY after the Cubs hung 19 runs on the Brewers, they blew a 3-1 lead in the 9th...in May. It sucked. I was pissed. But apparently not as pissed as all the "fresh out of the nut house" people who called in to WGN radio after the game.

Let me set the stage for you. My wife, god bless her, drives home from work listening to WGN. She either gets the tail end of a Cubs game or the afternoon guy: Dave Kaplan.

Well, on this day apparently it's not going well, because I get a text:

My show is scary today.

To which I had a couple of queries, 1) Can you call it your show? 2) And more improtantly, how so?

She answered the second by quoting a number of insane callers...

Cut Soriano!

Wood Sucks!

Lou is a terrible manager!

Again, not to continue to beat a obviously dead horse, but this is a team that finished with the most April wins in the HISTORY of the organization. This is the team that was in first place (by percentage points, I know, Jeff) entering play today. This was the team who going into the day was first in BA and SECOND in walks.

I get the fact that Soriano flubbed a ball. I get the fact that Wood was a tad rusty, but to flip out to a point where you need to rant and rave on a call-in show seems to be a tad excessive.

My wife summed it up best by relaying to me one of the craziest callers (I know, it's like being the world's tallest midget/little person).

(Paraphrasing)

Caller: Lou is awful!
Dave: I honestly think he's a great manager. Other than the "Rays," he's been a winner everywhere he's been.
Caller: Yeah, but here's my thing...(NO LONGER PARAPHRASING) Jack Nicklaus used to be a great golfer...and now he's not.
Dave: That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Yep.

Let that one settle for a bit.

Go Cubs.