Dopplegangers and Doofuses

Chuck Klosterman recently wrote an article about the YouTube generation and the ability that people now have to create completely unique, yet 100% fabricated, personas (totally independent from their actual, flesh and blood personas) in the hopes of that “character” becoming a 15 minute celebrity on the internet. Technology has made fame a populist enterprise, but only if one is willing to completely and totally abandon their normal personality. In the end, no one knows where the original person ends and his/her YouTube persona begins.

I find it really interesting that people are willing to essentially recreate themselves online. There is something inherently freeing (and depressing) about the ability to become a new person, identical in name only to the person one is in their day-to-day life. But many people, a disturbing number of them Cubs fans, would rather abandon all aspects of themselves and simply adopt the persona of someone they wish they were. And the internet is the means by which they pull it off.
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To explain-

In one of my other jobs that I put way too much effort into for no money, I am a local musician (see “bullshit wannabe” in the dictionary or just look at a picture of this guy for a reference). Unfortunately, in order to get gigs(or, for some, 12 year old boys) these days, you need a Myspace page. Granted, Myspace is the Betamax to Facebook’s VHS (or HD DVD to Facebook’s Blu-ray, if you want a reference that doesn’t date back to the days when people wore mustaches unironically), but for some reason, a lot of bookers use Myspace to listen to bands' demos. But enough of my sad attempts at rationalization.

I got a friend request from “Ryan Theriot” the other day. Given the undying love for him that I’ve expressed on this blog, I was a little surprised. More surprising was the fact that a major league baseball player with two children would actually spend time on a site that regularly sends you random emails from people you’ve never met asking you if you want a date tonight. But alas, my excitement at being Mr. Theriot’s online BFF was not to be, as it was a site made by someone who was not Ryan Theriot, but felt the need to create a myspace page as if he was Ryan Theriot. Only in the description does the author reluctantly mention “by the way, I’m not actually Ryan Theriot.” This is actually someone who spent the time to create a fictional website for a baseball player they’ve never met, and who probably won’t even be on the team in three years.

This Ryan Theriot doppelganger has a unique view both on the player himself as well as Theriot’s views on life. So let’s take a look at Ryan, shall we?

His slogan is “y’all can’t deny it,” although I’m unaware of what y’all are attempting to deny.

His favorite movie is “The French Connection,” and his favorite musician is “Jerry Reed.” I am utterly perplexed by this. There are three options for why these things are on the page, either (a.) Doppelganger just chose randomly (which makes one wonder why these two were chosen), (b.) Doppelganger decided to superimpose his own musical and cinematic interests onto Ryan Theriot, or (c.) Doppelganger researched Ryan Theriot’s interviews, magazine articles, etc. to find a hint of the movie and/or artist that rocks Theriot’s world (which is just plain creepy). Although I guess the first option poses the least of the indictments of him, none of these three options paint a very pretty picture of Doppelganger.

Even more disturbing than anything written by Doppelganger is the comments written by people on the site. Below is a sampling:

Apr 10 2008 9:10 PM
Great game! Whenever the Bayou Boys are in the line up great things seem to happen!

Apr 6 2008 2:37 PM
GO CUBBIES... GREAT JOB RYAN

Mar 27 2008 7:47 PM
My last name is also theriot (don't you hate it when they say it wrong!?) and the Cubs are my favorite team! So of course your my favorite player.
enjoyed watching you at the cactus and make us theriot's proud! Go Cubs!

Mar 26 2008 5:58 PM
Glad to hear you are batting leadoff this year, Ryan! I always wondered how the post-season might have been different last year if you were our leadoff man.

Do these people really think Ryan Theriot is maintaining a Myspace page? Are they the “y’all” who apparently can’t deny it, whatever it is? Is functional mental illness more prominent on Myspace than I had already assumed it was?

More importantly, this whole virtual world in which people act as if they are (even local) celebrities AND others interact with that person as if he were, in fact, that person takes this obsession with celebrity even further than Klosterman suggested in his piece. It seems as if these people are so starved for a connection to a second-tier baseball player that they’ll settle for a connection to a person sort of pretending to be him.

The society embodied by myspace is so obsessed with celebrity that, in lieu of prostituting yourself out as either a YouTube goon or a “hot amateur couple interested in sharing their lives through their webcam” in order to get your fifteen minutes of cyberfame, people are willing to simply create a virtual world where they are the celebrity they’ve always wanted to be. And others, through either delusion or desperation, are willing to gleefully participate in the farce. Its almost as if there's a group stalking going on and the object of that collective obsession doesn't even have to be present. While probably much less dangerous than, say, that psycho who killed the chick from My Sister Sam, its still one of the billion things that I've seen online that makes me wonder what makes people so odd. Here’s to the internet.


Ed. Note: I found a bunch more "Cubs Player" myspace sites. We'll try to feature one, in all its weirdness, each week. They're waaaay too good individually to all put in one post.

I Had No Idea...

Big Skirt Had Wheels.



Thanks to Bugs and Cranks.

Go Cubs.

Two Teams Enter. Two Teams Leave. So Everyone Calm Down.

Tonight it begins. Two bitter rivals square off at the Corner of Clark and Addison. The Chicago Cubs and their nemesis from the north...the Milwaukee Brewers.

Who will be the victors?

What are the spoils for said victors?

Why is the media so obsessed about a series in April?

When will I stop asking questions in giant fonts?

Sorry.

After reading countless articles over the past few days about how much this series matters, I kind of lost it a little bit. I mean, we get it. It's the Brewers. But do they really think we are gonna be swinging from the rafters at Wrigley tonight in anticipation of this epic battle? Seriously?

Let me give you a few reasons why this series isn't quite the season-defining juggernaut that media thinks it is.


1) 25 Games

That's it. We've played 25 games, folks. The 2008 season is a month old. By my math (and bear with me, I ain't so good with numbers), we have around 137 games left. So forgive me if I think there may be one or two more pivotal series between now and say...4 MONTHS FROM NOW! Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about our 16-9 team, but when people start freaking out about a 3 game series when snow is still a realistic possibility, I think it's time to take a deep breath and back away from the ledge for a minute. For god's sake, at least wait until Prince Fielder eats his way up 5 sizes into a glorified pair of "fat-man sweats" before totally losing it.

2. Marquis v. Sheets

What's the over/under on this game? 35? Conventional wisdom would dictate that this will be a low scoring affair because of the weather, but with these two yokels on the hill, the score could be 42-41 after 3 innings.

Better question: What are the chances that EITHER of these guys is a factor down the stretch?
1000-1?

Marquis can probably keep up his "smoke and mirrors" thing until the All-Star Break and then either a) he'll be traded for a bag of balls and some sunflower seeds or b) he'll be taken behind the woodshed and put out of his misery. There is no middle ground here. Sheets? Last I looked, the line in Vegas on whether or not his arm will actually detach from his body is a "pick 'em," so best case scenario he's making a comeback as a lefty come August, worst case he's enjoying his 57th trip to the DL.

What I'm saying here is, this match up tonight isn't a playoff preview by any stretch of the imagination. Just remember that.

3. This is the Cardinals Division to Lo...

Damn, I couldn't even finish typing that without falling over giggling. Don't jinx them you say? Here's what I say. While they have had an AMAZING start, take a gander at who they trot out weekly to pitch.

Adam Wainwright
Kyle Lohse
Brandon Looper
Todd Wellemeyer (yes, that Todd Wellemeyer)

I don't care if Pujols hits 80 HR this year AND pitches 10 complete games, they've got no shot. That being said, I am fully aware that this post guarantees that the Cubs will get swept this weekend in STL. I can live with that.

4. We've got bigger things to worry about.

Like, for example, this:


Damn you SI. Damn you to hell.

Go Cubs.

I'm Sure I'll Find Something to Complain About, Eventually

When you build an entire blog that centers around the general malaise that comes from being a Cubs fan, a winning team such as this makes it hard to develop good material. We’re so used to having myriad options when it comes to Cubs-related stupidity to make fun of, but now we’re stuck actually having to…ummm…be happy with the team? I honestly racked my brain for hours (okay, minutes) trying to find things to critique about this team right now, and aside from a bullpen that, outside of one guy, has given new meaning to the phrase “no lead is safe,” there just isn’t much to go on. So this must be what its like to be a fan of a real Major League Baseball team.

Of the embarrassingly fun stuff that happened this week, these things were most amusing:



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-Kosuke Fukudome, in just four at bats in a single game, saw over thirty pitches. There were games last year that the entire team didn’t see thirty pitches. Of course, the better he does, the more likely it is that more idiots come to the park and say “Horry Kow? OH! That’s like ‘Holy Cow’ with an Asian accent! Genius! The guys back at the House are gonna love this one! I’ll wear it underneath my #69 softball jersey!” (Yes, I realize I strung a long tail on that kite.)

Still, I think this Fukudome kid just might be a player.

-Reed Johnson makes what might have been the best catch I’ve ever seen. As much as I like Felix Pie and think he’ll be great, Reed Johnson has really been a terrific pick up. Even more important is that he looks like he literally appeared out of the cornfield in Iowa: high socks, uniform about two sizes too big, about 3 and a half pounds of chew in his lip. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave his glove on the field at the end of each inning, you know, so the center fielder for the other team can use it. D.B. Sweeney had nothing on this guy.

-Bob Howry still sucks. I know this is a celebratory post, but it needed to be said. And I’m not really sure what the author of this headline was snorting before he posted it. Really?

-10,000 wins. I think Jason mentioned this already, but the fact that this team has never fallen under .500 is unbelievable. I also didn’t know that the only other team to get 10,000 wins was the Giants. And to think, only 10 or so players on their current roster were on the team when they got win #1. Zing.

-The team started this year without a shortstop on the roster, and now when Soriano comes back to inevitably post his .327 OBP from the leadoff spot, the biggest debate on the team will be which All-Star quality shortstop will have to sit down. I’m fairly certain that little Houston and Macey Theriot will have to spend their days as a minion of the devil, but the deal Ryan made with him is paying off so far. And hey-Ronny Cedeno isn’t drunk. Way to stay sober long enough to prove that you’re actually a good player, Ronny.

Being a Cubs fan, I’m amazed that there were this many things to be happy about in an entire season, let alone the last two weeks. I guess I’m going to have to find something else to use as the focus of my mean-spirited sarcasm. When do the Reds come back to Chicago?

I Had No Idea...

Penny Threw This Hard.



Maybe I should have started him this week.

Saturday Afternoon Non-Cubs Related Time Waster

Bobby Howry blows another game, Cubs lose at Washington, ugh. Not a whole lot to get excited about the last couple days.

So...

There have been numerous cases in Chicago of young men between 18-35 getting drunk with friends at some bar downtown in Chicago, leaving to head home and going missing, only to be founds months later washed up on the shores of Gary or New Buffalo. Originally, it was thought to simply be cases of stupid young people getting too drunk, walking down to the near the Chicago river and falling in. However, a group of detectives from New York, on their own time, are attempting to piece together these killings in order to identify what they think is the work of a group of serial killers working throughout the midwest. Creepy stuff.

So what does this have to do with the Cubs? Nothing, really, except that I'm wondering when I can convince all the Cubs relievers (except for Marmol and Wood) to come out drinking near the Chicago river.

Best Way to Jinx the Cubs? Let's Try a Live Blog!

2:44 PM

Figured that since the Cubs are on during the day today and I have some free time at work, it's the perfect time to throw out a live blog. That should successfully jinx this team, right?

2:46 PM 2 Outs Top 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

D Lee grounds out. Good start. If anyone can ruin this season, I know I can.

2:38 PM Bot. 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Marquis on the mound today. I swear he was pitching the last time I did this.

As great as this start has been, this pitching staff still scares the bajesus out of me. Has anyone looked ever at the lineup card and said:

"Shit, we've got Marquis today...we're screwed."

I doubt it.

(I may have made that exact joke before too)

2:52 PM 2 Outs Bot. 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Do announcers for other teams read faxes and emails during EVERY game? And speaking of which...why are they still taking faxes? It's 2008 for god's sake. If you don't have email by now, I highly doubt you have a question that is worth reading on the air.

This whole fax thing has baffled me for years. Who is sitting at work and thinks, "I was wondering why they don't just call it the 'fair pole.' Let's send a fax to the Cubs radio announcers and get an answer."

3 up 3 down.

2:57 PM 1 Out Top 4, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Pat gets way to excited about a warning track fly ball from Fuku. He must have a clause in his contract that stipulates that he is allowed to toy with the listener's emotions at least 5 times per game.

3 up 3 down.

I sure picked a winner of a game to live blog.

3:02 PM 1 Out Bot. 4

Pat and Ron are doing their best Len Kasper impersonation...trying their darnedest to put a hex on Marquis.

Example: Last night, Len made a point to refer to Tulowitski as "the struggling Tulowitski" right before he drilled the homer that gave the Rockies the lead. I love it when he does that.

Marquis gets the double play. 4 up 3 down.

3:09 PM, 0 Out Top 5, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Where does Pat go every 5th inning? Cigarette break? BM? Daily drowning of a puppy? I need to know these things.

3 Up 3 Down. Again. Riveting.

3:15 PM, 0 Out, Bot. 5, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Fantasy Note: In the history of fantasy baseball has anyone fallen off as fast as Andruw Jones?
That fat bastard is killing my fantasy team. It's never good when you get the player updates and for Jones it reads:

"Jones turning into a joke."

Ouch.

3:20 PM 2 Out Bot. 5, "Pods" on 2nd, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

I'm not really sure how I feel about Todd Helton. I mean, yes, he's a great hitter. I just can't get over the fact that he looks EXACTLY like this guy in college I knew who used to wear his boxers inside out to get an extra day or two out of them. I find myself dry-heaving every time he comes to the plate. It's distracting.


3:25 PM, 1 Out Top 6, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

I think Theriot just struck out. Not sure, because Ronnie was babbling about a fax or something.

3 UP 3 Down. Can you feel the excitement?


3:29 PM. 0 Out Bot. 6, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Watching the game last night, I couldn't believe that their closer had blown 3 straight BEFORE he blew the save against the Cubs. There would have been burning effigies of Lou all over Wrigleyville if that happened here. I'm not saying that's good or bad. I'm just saying.

Marquis gives up a walk and then Pat gives me a heart attack with his call of another warning track fly ball (for those of you score at home, that's the second one today).

Make that three.

3 Up 3 Down. The tension is palpable.

3:36 PM, 0 Out Top 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Len/Pat just called this a "winnable" game, which ironically makes it a "loseable" game now.

2 straight fly-balls with "Unnecessary Pat Hughes Excitement" distance by Aramis and Fuku. He is apparently bored or easily excitable today. Judging by the game, I say it's the former.

DeRo K's.

3 Up 3 Down. Cook has sent down the last 16 he has faced. Super.

3:42 PM 0 Out Bot. 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

"Uh-oh."

That's all we hear from Pat as we come back from the break. 2-1 Rockies.

Time to get someone up, Lou.

3:47 PM, 1 Out Bot. 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Cubs utilize the popular 1 (ricochet) to 5 to 3 putout at first.

2 outs. "Backwards Boxers" is up with a man on.

Got 'em.

"Marquis is pitching a very good ball game," says Pat.

Sure, if you don't count that tater he just gave up.

Rally time!

3:52 PM, 0 Out Top 8, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Pat and Ron are going with the "pitcher had to run the bases so he's tired now" theory for this inning.

And...they're right. Soto singles.

The suddenly pinch-runner crazy Lou Piniella takes out Soto for Cedeno. 1st and 2nd, 0 0uts.

Pie gets another hit. Maybe there is something to this "tired pitcher" thing.

D-Ward batting for Marquis. He walks!

Bases drunk for Fontenot and I have to pee.

3:58 PM, 0 Out Top 8, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Fontenot grounder to 2nd, run scores. Runners on 1st and 3rd. 1 Out. 2-2 game.

Theriot up and I can't breathe.

Theriot lines out, Fontenot doubled off. It's deja vu all over again.

At least the game is tied AND I can go to the bathroom.

3:58 PM, 0 Out Bot. 8, Chicago 2 Colorado 2

Corey Hart is in...facing Holiday. I will no cease breathing.

Double.

Crap.

Groundout. Holiday to 3rd. 1 Out.

Must not breathe.

Intentional walk to Hawpe to face...Tulowitski? O.....k.....

What the?!?

Len/Pat just said Tulowitski was "struggling." What is wrong with him?

Side note: When he is up, the fans do this "clap-clap-clapclapclap-TULO!" chant. It's neat-o (not sure if that is sarcastic or not).

E 6 on a potential double play. Rockies up 3-2.

I blame Pat...and The Riot, obviously.

4:18 PM, 1 Out Bot. 8, Chicago 2 Colorado 3

Hart gets the K.

Pat just informed us that we have Lee, Aramis and Fuku up in the 9th. Any chance they trot that closer back out there?

Hart is now in trouble. 3-0 on made-up player Spilborghs...base hit. 4-2 Rockies.

4:18 PM, Between Innings, Chicago 2 Colorado 4

I've decided to not post this inning in order to try and lift the jinx I put on the Cubs.

(fingers crossed)

4:28 PM, Chicago 2 Colorado 4 Final

I am now officially banning live blogs.

Please send all hate mail to Marty as I will be hiding in a cave for the next few days.

My bad.

Go Cubs.

I'm Not Sure What To Do With My Hands

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I am at a loss at this point. After ANOTHER dominating performance by the Chicago Cubs, I have no idea how to handle what I am seeing from this team on nearly a daily basis. Do I nitpick and talk about the men LOB base today? Do I play the Mariotti card and talk about how Lilly looked less than stellar today? Or do I just enjoy another win and relax?

As a Cubs fan, that last one seems insane to me.

So, I surfed the interwebs looking for answers and I came across this little ditty over at BCB:

7 wins in 8 games, scoring 67 runs (average: more than eight per game).

That settles it.

I'm gonna enjoy this moment while pondering one more unbelievable number...14-6.

Go Cubs.

Way Back Machine: Say It Ain't So...Cubs?

While feeling something strange this morning after last night's game (joy with a solid helping of confidence), I was perusing the interwebs and found something about the history of the Cubs that successfully ruined my good mood.

The World Series the Cubs (maybe) gave away.

You've got to be kidding me.

The article states (bold added by me):

Now, it cannot be said for certain that gamblers got to the '18 Cubs. But Eddie Cicotte, pitcher and one of the eight White Sox outcasts from the '19 World Series, did say in a newly found affidavit he gave to the 1920 Cook County grand jury that the Cubs influenced the Black Sox. Cicotte said the notion of throwing a World Series first came up when the White Sox were on a train to New York. The team was discussing the previous year's World Series, which had been fixed, according to players. Some members of the Sox tried to figure how many players it would take to throw a Series. From that conversation, Cicotte said, a scandal was born.

I should have stopped reading at this point, but as a Cub fan, I didn't feel quite crappy enough so..

The article goes on to say:

The Cubs were 84-45 that year and serious favorites. Cicotte is not alone in suggesting they had been paid off. The lost diary of Charles Comiskey's righthand man, Harry Grabiner, supposedly indicates that the 1918 World Series was fixed. The reporting of baseball columnist Hugh Fullerton -- the man who eventually blew the whistle on baseball's gambling problem -- also suggested that something was afoul in 1918. Fullerton's accounts of those games repeatedly point out bizarre baserunning mistakes and defensive flubs.

The box scores support his descriptions. The Cubs were picked off three times, including twice in the decisive Game 6. That game was lost, 2-1, on a 2-run error by Cubs right fielder Max Flack. Game 4 had been tied, 2-2, in the eighth inning, when Cubs pitcher Shufflin' Phil Douglas gave up a single, followed by a passed ball, followed by an errant throw on a bunt attempt that allowed the winning run to score.

Well that's just super.

What's funny is I can close my eyes and see any of the modern day Cubs teams making those kind of boneheaded mistakes. In fact, I swear I've seen that exact play at least 5 times in my lifetime.

Regardless, I hope the national media picks up on this. We really need some more bad karma.

(Thanks to Chicagoist for the link.)

Milk Was A Bad Choice (a.k.a. Week In Review)

Well, Week 3 is in the books. Let's take a stroll down memory lane and see what we have learned from the week that was...

1) Marisa Miller is smoking hot.





I mean, wow. Just...wow.

2. D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.

Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far.

I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters.

Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.

3. Marty Brennaman IS in fact bat-shit crazy.


Busy week for Marty B. First, he called out Cubs fans for being obnoxious. Then he refused to back off of those statements by talking more shit about the Cubs.

"I said how tough it is to root for the Cubs. I think a lot of people feel the same way I do, but they won't articulate it. I'm not afraid to say what I think. [Compared to Cubs fans] Cardinals fans are hands down the best in baseball. They respect the game. They don't go to the game to do stupid stuff. The Cubs have some great baseball fans. But the ones who act like idiots (ruin) it for people like me."

And I'm sure all of you agree, I hate it when we ruin it for self-righteous windbags.

THEN, M to the B decided to take it up a notch. Tired of bashing a whole organization for the acts of a few drunken morons, he took out his "crazy old man" frustrations on his own broadcast partner.

Yep, I can totally see why he received the Ford Frick Award for “for major contributions to the game of baseball.”

I truly wish I was making that up.

4. Reed Johnson is the second coming of...Kenny Lofton? Craig Biggio?

Talk all you want about the "Pie Situation," but all this guy has done is rake since he was given the starting job.

BA: .354
SLG: .417
Runs: 8
RBI: 7

Ok, so those aren't All-Star numbers, but add to that the fact that he apparently doesn't EVER get out of the way of inside pitches (3 HBP in the last 3 days) and you have at least a serviceable player in center instead of say...a corpse.


5. Aramis is heating up with the weather (again)
(yes, I wrote this AFTER he just homered against the Mets, whatever)

He's gonna have another great year. So, for the love of God, stop talking about his lack of "hustle" or his occasional lapses in the field. He's a lock for 30-100 EVERY year. Enjoy it.

5a. Mark DeRosa is Mui Caliente!

Sorry.

My wife called me from home when DeRo took that header over the bullpen on Sunday and said:

"Is my boyfriend OK?"

Yep. I guess I should be happy she was at least watching the game. Right?

Go Cubs.