Publicity 101

With Mark Cuban’s recent announcement that “hey, I’m still interested in the Cubs,” it got me wondering whether or not this Joe-Six-Pack’s wet dream had a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. My answer? Of-fucking-course not. So why is Cuban so intent on letting everyone within earshot know that he’s willing to “pull out all the stops” in pursuit of the Cubs?

There are only a few possible answers as I can see.

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1. He thinks he may be able to totally overwhelm Zell with an offer that simply cannot be refused. Its fairly well known that MLB strong armed their way into getting John Henry’s bid for the Red Sox accepted (even though it wasn’t the highest). Maybe Cuban thinks if he offers a ridiculously high bid for the Cubs AND makes it well known in the media just how much more he offered than any other bidder, he couldn’t be denied. The Tribune’s financial woes are such that it is possible that they couldn’t justify denying such an overwhelming (and very public) bid. Furthermore, given that MLB has been Congress’ bitch for the last two years or so, denying a bid that is significantly higher than any other for no other reason than the guy making it doesn’t belong to Skull and Bones might get them another round in front of the humble Senator from Iowa. I’m sure they’d like to avoid that kind of hassle.

2. He wants the publicity so he can market his other companies, like HDNet, 2929 Entertainment and Landmark Theatres. I’m not really sure what kind of cross-promotional advantage his public pursuit of the Cubs would bring to these companies, but who knows.

3. Ego. Its obvious that Cuban enjoys being in the spotlight, and why wouldn’t he? He’s beloved by practically every fan of professional sports, and has the perfect reputation: the everyman who gets rich overnight. The guy is Mr. Deeds, even down to the $5 haircut. There is no better way to promote himself than to mount an aggressively public campaign for one of the ten most recognizable sports franchises in the world. Even if (when) his bid gets rejected, it becomes just another example of the Old Boys Club keeping the average guy out, and his reputation grows.

Regardless, #2 and #3 are far more likely reasons behind Cuban’s bid for the Cubs. But what if he were to actually succeed in his bid for the team? Would it really make a difference on the field?

Most likely, while he’d make it a hell of a lot more fun for the average fan (and make our job a whole lot easier), the actual on-field impact would most certainly be minimal, at least in the short-term. The team has a large number of long-term salary commitments, and free agency is more likely to bring a player like Barry Zito than Vladimir Guerrero (I had to look hard to find the last free agent who actually has lived up to his contract).

If he were willing to spend even more money to upgrade the scouting department and hire a competent statistically-inclined GM, the impact would come in the long-term. Renovations of Wrigley Field would also be a long-term process whose benefits wouldn’t be immediately apparent (and would probably cost him a little goodwill in the process).

So while Mark Cuban’s pursuit of the Cubs is fun for fans and columnists, the likelihood of a successful bid is minimal, and the impact of a successful purchase by Cuban is more likely to be in the public relations department more so than on the field, at least in the short term. But hey, it would be fun to read blogmaverick over the next few years. Maybe his online chats could rival Muskat’s or Sullivan’s in their pure stupidity.

100 Observations about the Cubs (Mostly): Final, Sad Edition

75. These types of lists are a lot easier when the Cubs suck.

76. In other words, these types of lists have been easier every other year of my life.

77. Time zones blow.

78. I'm almost positive that Lou Pinella would rather take a wine bottle corkscrew to his nuts than have to start Jason Marquis one more time, but has to because Sean Marshall is hurt and Keanu Hill is still trying to breathe through his eyeballs.

79. Saw this picture on Desipio, and couldn't help but wonder if Jason decided to take up painting.

80. Over/Under on when Carlos Marmol's right arm secedes from the rest of his body: 20 games.

81. Umm, Kerry? That guy standing up there with two outs and two on in the ninth...his name is Juan Pierre. You might not remember him...he was the guy who grounded out to second base 94% of the time when he was on the Cubs a couple years ago. Maybe you shouldn't treat him like Ty Fucking Cobb up there. You did much better with Matt Kemp.

82. If Ed MacMahon's house is in foreclosure, what chance do the rest of us have? Can't he just pay them with one of those oversized checks that come in the prize van? (Ba-dum-bum)

83. I wish Michael Barrett was still on the team, if only so Z had something to punch.

84.Derrek Lee can come back any time now.

85. The bullpen phone at Dodger Stadium “malfunctioned” on Friday. Carlos Marmol's right arm had no comment.

86. With the 611th pick of the draft, the Cubs picked Jericho Jones. He's a white guy. And he wasn't in a blaxpoitation film in the 1970s. Both of these facts astounded me.

87. I'm at the point where, if Jason Marquis isn't going to throw a shutout, I want him to give up as many runs as humanly possible. And I'm okay with that.

88. Speaking of players I want to see get torched on a regular basis, the name Joba Chamberlain comes to mind. I have no problem with the kid, but when roughly 75% of the baseball stories on espn.com are dedicated to the glory of his first start in the major league (all 3 innings of it), karma needs to step in.

89. If the Cubs went after C.C. Sabathia (as so many are speculating), would he and Z get into a brawl over the postgame spread, or would Daryle Ward just eat them both?

90. Answer before thinking: Cubs promotional shot or screencap of this week's pederast on “To Catch a Predator”:









91. Just some quick math: if the Cubs go 5 games over .500 at home, and 5 games over .500 on the road for the rest of the year, they'll win 94 games. How f'n scary is that?

92. If this were any other year, I would have been ridiculously afraid of typing the above.

93. The pending fight over the sale of the Cubs between Sam Zell and Bud Selig will be almost as fun as watching Selig get slapped all over the Congressional floor.

94. Joe Morgan is an asshat. Yes, everybody knows this already.

95. One last time, for the people who STILL haven't been paying attention: No, the Cubs did not draft Josh Hamilton and trade him to the Reds. They sold the pick without knowing what player the Reds were going to draft. Move on.

96. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the only Cubs fan who is audibly laughing with the report that “The Orioles no longer can get the same deal for Brian Roberts that the Cubs offered during the off-season.” Screw you, MacPhail.

97. It turns out that, under Mark Prior's elbow injury was some other injury “commonly associated with trauma, most likely a fall.” I always knew I hated Marcus Giles' roided up ass.

98. Why did Todd Hollandsworth cut the curly mullet?

99. The remainder of the Cardinals season hinges on the injury status of Todd Wellemeyer. Read that again. And smile.

100. 40-24. Best record in baseball. Damn.

With the 41st pick in the 2008 Draft, the Chicago Cubs select...Wally Joyner?

From MiLB.com (I know that looks like a typo, but it's legit):

Ryan Flaherty, SS, Vandy

A strong and athletic infielder with a classic left-handed swing, he's drawn a comparison to Wally Joyner in terms of his offensive skill set. He should hit for average, but hasn't shown much power at this point. Defensively, he's got a good arm, but does not have the range to stay at short. A move to third might make the most sense given his size.

Wally Joyner? Seriously? That's the best reference they could come up with?

Here is my favorite part of the scouting report...

Base running: He's not a base-clogger, but speed is not a tool in any way.

No one likes a base-clogger.

Speed is Not a Tool in Any Way may very well be the nicest way possible to say this guy can't run...and it's now my new fantasy team name.

Go Cubs.

West Side!!

What? You were expecting this pic weren't you? Too predictable.

Anyways, yesterday marked the beginning of every local Cub fans' least favorite road trip...the dreaded West Coast Swing. Nothing ruins a good Cubs game like a 9 PM start time (yes, I am actually 200 years old). On this trip, the Cubs have 3 against the increasingly embarrassing SD Padres and 4 against the mildly annoying Dodgers. As the trip begins, the biggest question facing this "Best Record in Baseball" Cubs team is whether to hold their Championship Parade on Michigan Avenue or on Clark.

Wait. That's not right. Sorry.

The actual big question is whether this team can bottle up their unbelievable success at home and take it with them on the road. Unfortunately, EVERY sportswriter in the country knows this, so there have been roughly 500,000 articles written about it already. Here at FOTG, we are nothing if not on the cutting-edge so instead of jumping on the pile, we will forge out on our own with a new segment.


Bronx or Bust!

With the All-Star game quickly approaching, everyone is asking who on the Cubs deserves a spot on the NL roster. Shockingly enough, even with their stellar play during the first two months, not every Cub is what we would consider "All-Star Worthy." So, in order to simplify this difficult decision, we've created this handy, dandy ranking of each Cubs chances of making it to the Bronx this July.

25-21 "Why Don't You Plan A Trip With the Family" Division

#25 Bob Dean Howry 62 | P
Pros: Traditionally a slow starter, Bobby Dean has turned it on of late, surrendering 0 ER in his last 9 appearances.
Cons: He was a frequent crapper of beds before that: 18.9 IP, 15 ER, 5 HR.
In or Out? Waaaaaaaaay Out.
You will only see BDH in the Bronx this year if he buys his own ticket.

#24 Jason Marquis 21 | P
Pros: He's not quite shitty enough to be removed from the rotation.
Cons: He's not quite good enough to stay in the rotation.
In or Out? I hope that question is rhetorical.

#23 Michael Wuertz 43 | P
Pros: He's not Bobby Howry.
Cons: He's not Carlos Marmol.
In or Out? Out.
Maybe he can use the time off to remember where the plate is located.

#22 Micah Hoffpauir 6 | 1B
Pros: Promising young player who would be starter if it wasn't for that D-Lee character stealing all his ABs year after year. Selfish bastard.
Cons: He shares a first name with Micah Owings who I just grabbed for my fantasy team and then watched him promptly got lit up in his next start. Just saying.
In or Out? Out.
Mark it down, when Lee retires the Cubs WILL give this guy a shot. Then they will go in a different direction. Basically, no one trusts a guy named Micah.

#21 Ted Lilly 30 | P
Pros: His given name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. Seriously.
Cons: President Roosevelt once said "I have as much desire to annex San Domingo as a gorged Boa Constrictor might have to swallow a porcupine wrong end to!" That's how I feel about watching Lilly pitch. Zing! Thank you Wikipedia!
In or Out? He's 5th in HR Allowed in the National League with 12. What do you think?

Go Cubs.

100 Observations About the Cubs (Mostly): Part 4 (Lack of Sleep Edition)

I've been up since 4AM, so I came a few short today. Sorry.

61-74

61. I saw this headline: “Ward's return puts pressure on Edmonds” and thought they were seriously considering Ward in center. Worse, I was OK with it. I think that pretty much sums up my opinion on the Edmonds signing.

62. Sometimes I think “bunting directly back to the pitcher” is a drill that the Cubs actually practice.

63. Every time I see a shot of Fontenot standing next to D-Lee, thousands of short jokes run through my head. Then I remember he gets to play baseball for a living. Then I weep into my pillow.

64. I’m pretty sure that Google was invented just to help me find out answers to Aflac trivia questions.

65. If anyone wants to explain why WGN decided WGN America: TV You Can’t Ignore was a good idea, I’m all ears.

66. I think sending Aramis on a 3-2 pitch is Lou’s way of saying, “I don’t think this inning is going anywhere.”

67. Want a simple and effective way to announce to the world that you are a douche bag? Wear a White Sox jersey to Wrigley when the Sox are not the opponent. Does the trick every time.

68. If you are one of the first 10,000 fans to enter Wrigley and you DON’T have a child with you, I’m pretty sure you need to find better ways to occupy your time.

69. When ESPN decides to give us Chris Berman as the play-by-play man for a nationally televised Cubs game, I can’t help but wonder what we did to piss them off.

70. I think MLB teams are contractually obligated to post 11-8 scores on the bottom line followed by a stat showing a player who is 0-4 on the day.

71. I don’t care if this makes me sound old, but I remember fondly the good old days when I didn’t have to stand up for EVERY 2-strike count.

72. If you fill out the “paper work” at the ballpark just to get a Cubs towel, you are either too lazy to do laundry or you have no idea what the phrase “credit score” means.

73. You know the difference is between Hawk and Santo? Santo still does his job when the Cubs are losing.

74. I’m convinced that Z removes his cap when he points to the sky because he was told as a kid that it isn’t polite to point at Jesus with your hat on.

More to come later tonight!

While They Rest, Why Not Review Part 2

When last we reviewed, the Cubs were in the middle of a slump. Not to put too fine a point on it, but they were basically a steaming bag of goose excrement. Their highest paid player was being booed daily while many people suggested he be benched or sent to the minors (these people were insane, but that's neither here nor there). On May 8th, they stood at an unimpressive 19-15 after struggling through a dismal road trip. With the "red hot" Arizona D-backs coming to town, things weren't looking good.

So what happened?

Well, they beat the snot out of the D-backs over the next 3 days, Soriano started hitting everything he saw out of the park and they proceeded to finish a 10-game home stand 8-2.

So much for the bag of poop analogy. Wow.

Then, as the same "experts" who wrote the Cubs off were now ranking them as the best team in baseball (I'm looking at you, Phil Rogers), the Cubs headed out on another road trip. Not good news since they hadn't won a road series since they beat the Pirates in April. After taking game one, they blew two leads in two days to Fat Elvis and the Astros. Ugh.

So after 47 games, they are now 19-8 at home and 9-11 on the road. 28-19. Pretty good by most standards. Not mine. Since I addressed some positive things this team had going for them last time, I thought I'd address the negatives today. Enjoy.

Two Things About the Cubs That Keep My Up At Night

1) Hitting is Contagious, Unless Your the Cubs

One of the most frustrating things about the Cubs last year was that they NEVER seemed hit as a team. If Aramis was hot, D-Lee was swinging like he had early dinner reservations. When Soriano remembered that actually putting the bat on the ball was key to getting a hit, Jacques Jones was...well, let's just forget about what J-squared was doing.

This year, especially on the road, they are doing the same thing. One or two guys appears to be a professional baseball player while the rest just run up to the plate, take three hacks at balls in the dirt and go sit down. It's possibly the most frustrating thing to watch night after night. Not as frustrating as say...Pinella's obsession with pitching Marmol in consecutive innings, but it's up there.


2) Centerfield Auditions Held Daily! .200 Hitters Preferred, But Not Required.

This is where I wish I could say, "What does (FILL IN BLANK) have to do to earn the everyday starting CF job!" I can't say that right now because the answer to that query is simple...hit the god durn ball!

So how did we get here?

In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.

Sadly, even with all these roster moves, they still had no one who can play center AND hit the ball out of the infield. If the only requirement was to make highlight reel catches, all three would be in virtual dead heat. Unfortunately, fancy catches don't win ball games.

So as this giant hole in lineup continues to get bigger, Hendry can do one of two things. He can either stand pat and take his lumps with Pie and Johnson or he can make an ill-advised deadline deal to get a "veteran" in center. I wonder which he'll do....

I'd suggest preparing yourself now for this from Pat Hughes:

"And hitting 8th, in center, Coco Crisp."

I wish I was joking.

Go Cubs.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.

I'm not sure what is more unbelievable, the fact that these catches actually happened or that they both came from members of the Cubs.

Wow.





I'm by no means saying it's time to jump on the Edmonds bandwagon or anything, but it sure feels a lot nicer when he's doing this FOR you instead of TO you, don't you think?

Go Cubs.

100 Random Observations About the Cubs: Part 3 (Middle Reliever Edition)

Now that I've arisen from my work-related sabbatical, I figured I'd take a shot at helping Jason with his Top 100 list. Hopefully, I won't be the Michael Wuertz to his Ryan Dempster. So, here are #41-60.

41.The fact that when the Cubs get down a run in the third inning, I don't turn off the TV and say “game over” makes me uncomfortable. In such a good way.

42.Neon green relish is the best kind of relish.

43.Jason Marquis blows. Why hasn't this one made the list yet?

44.On a radio interview, Jim Hendry claimed that Reed Johnson is a great player because “we're 17-7 with him in the lineup,” which reminded me of this:

Homer Simpson: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa Simpson: hat’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It’s just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

BUT, I didn't drive my car off the road and into a telephone pole due to his sheer stupidity. I'm proud of myself.

45.I went to Thursday night's game, and no one in my section swore loudly, spilled a drink on someone, or generally made a complete ass of themselves. That might be the first time that's ever happened.

46.Only slightly less daunting than understanding molecular physics is understanding why, at Wrigley, 20 oz. Bud Light drafts are $5.75, but CANS of PBR are $6.

47.Jason Isringhausen just went on the DL because he lost a fight with a television, which reminds me how much I enjoy when bad things happen to stupid players who aren't on my team.

48.EVERY FLY BALL THE CUBS HIT IS NOT GOING OUT OF THE BALLPARK. Can we all come to grips with this and stop cheering for 230 ft. pop outs?

49.Mark Prior had yet another setback with the Padres this week. See #47.

50.If Paul Sullivan feels the need to whine about having to do a mailbag every fucking time he writes the column, maybe he should, I don't know, allow someone who actually likes baseball to do his job for him.

51.I figure I should take a moment to point out Jason's #18 in this list. Look at it, then come back here. See? It was worth the laugh.

52. The save is the dumbest stat in baseball next to the RBI. There, I said it.

53.So, does anyone else think that Kosuke Fukudome claiming that he gave his kid a name that means “The Wind” specifically in honor of Chicago is complete bullshit? I thought so too.

54.I'd like to start a campaign to give Daryle Ward the nickname “Stay Puft.”

55.I like Megan Fox. It has nothing to do with baseball. I don't care.

56.Any time Bob Howry wants to remember that he doesn't suck would be great.

57.If Ryan Theriot goes the whole season without remembering that he sucks, that would be great, too.

58.I'd be much happier if I felt like Cubs fans didn't want Jim Edmonds on the team because he sucks, and not because (a.) he was a Cardinal, or (b.) they think he's gay.

59.Bo Jackson broke a bat over his knee. It was cool. It really hasn't been cool since.

60.Jason Marquis still blows. It needed to be written twice.

This Just In: Soriano May Be Good At Baseball

Since Monday...

7 HR, 14 RBI, 9 R and he's batting .407. AND this game isn't even over yet!

To quote a text from a friend:

Two words: LOCKED IN.

Two more words...

Go Cubs.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

I know it is probably too late to ask you this, but...

We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months.

If you can't find it in your heart to change his mind outright, could you at least just whisper things like "What about Kenny Lofton?" or "You don't want to have to hire a body guard do you?" softly into his Dumbo-sized ears for us?

Thanks.

Yours Truly,

Cubs Fans (all the ones who aren't bat shit crazy at least)

PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.

Go Cubs.