Weekend Roundup

A few notes from the weekend. Keeping it short, because, like the rest of the Cubs fans, I'm busy finding the tallest building I can jump off.

Aramis Ramirez will be out three games for "family matters." Damn you, Urkel.

A quick rundown on the players either injured and/or missing time on the team in the last 20 days:
Soriano
Zambrano
Johnson
Edmonds
Theriot
Ward
Ramirez
Fukudome
Eyre

In case you're having a hard time with the whole counting thing, that's 9 players on the 25 man roster. Its been a fun few weeks.

"Hey, let's leak some stories about how Rich Hill is 'improving' and maybe someone will take him off our hands."

Minor league umps, minor league calls.

Zambrano is apparently ready to go. Then again, if he was standing in front of you with his own severed right arm in his hands, he'd tell you he's ready to go.

Hopefully, the week of suck is over. Cubs are 4-8 in their last 12. In the words of Harry Doyle, "I guess we should be glad that at least nobody spiked themselves."

Bronx or Bust! Part 2

With today's game seemingly out of reach (currently 11-0 in the 6th), I thought now would be the perfect time to continue our countdown of the Cubs players that most deserve a spot in the All-Star Game.

NOTE: With Micah no longer with the club and the arrival of the two-headed monster, I felt that the list needed revising.

#22 a) Mathew Murton 19 | OF
Pros: HE RIDES A UNICORN FOR GOD'S SAKE! You need more than that? Tough crowd. Ok, let’s go with his “brick-sized” thighs.
Cons: Off the top of my head…I’d have to go with the fact that he has no power and very little glove and he plays a position that requires you to have power and a glove. Other than that he’s great.
In or Out? OUT. Maybe, if they ever have an ASG just for red heads, he would…ah, who am I kidding, he wouldn’t even make that team.

#22 b) Eric Patterson 4 | OF
Pros: He is, in fact, left-handed. Can’t argue with that one.
Cons: He’s only known for two things. Speed and Defense. That being said, he frequently muffs the ball in left and then 3-hops the cutoff man. But man can he run!
In or Out? Out. He’s not even as good as his brother, which is sad on so many levels.

19-16 The “Fontenot is Still in the Majors?” Division

#19 Michael Eugene Fontenot 17 | 2B
Pros: Comic Relief? Not only is he “fit in Lee’s pocket” tiny, he also does that adorable thing where he pretends to get hit into the ground by Zambrano. That’s got to be worth something, right?
Cons: He has no other discernible talents. Seriously. Try to think of one. I’ll wait.
In or Out? Out. That is until they start honoring guys who strikeout with the bases loaded repeatedly. When that day comes, he’ll be on my ballot.

#18 a) Neal Cotts 44 | P
Pros: He’s single…ladies.
Cons: He can’t get anyone out. Ever.
In or Out? Of the ASG or the 40-man roster?

#18 b) Scott Eyre 47 | P
Pros: He now holds the Cubs record for consecutive scoreless appearances and also leads the majors with 93 holds over a four-year span while allowing the fewest number of inherited runners to score. Impressive.
Cons: Since the scoreless streak was broken, he has basically been Neal Cotts only fatter and more married. Less Impressive.
In or Out? Out. The ASG people have very strict rules regarding players who lack a chin.

#16 Jon Lieber 32 | P
Pros: Versatile veteran can be used as a starter, long man or late inning reliever.
Cons: He sucks at all of those jobs.

Go Cubs.

He's Still Smarter Than Dusty

A lot of people poke fun at the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs. When he pinch hit for Mike Fontenot on Saturday, forgetting that he had hit a home run in his previous at bat, everyone laughed. When he consistently cites “senior moments” when he forgets how the Cubs scored runs in games, everybody loves it. But I wanted to find out if all of these “senior moments” were actually true or just a schtick designed to entertain the media and fans.

So due to our unprecedented access to the Cubs*, I got a chance to interview Lou Piniella this morning. I’ve just finished listening to the interview and wrote out a transcript. Every word of this interview is true**.

*"unprecedented access": no access.
**"true": false.

Martin (10:30 AM): Good to meet you, Lou.

Lou Piniella (10:30 AM): Nice to meet you, too, Steve.

M (10:34): So I thought I’d start by talking to you about Sean Gallagher.

LP: Who?

M (10:34): Sean Gallagher.

LP: Spell it.

M: S-e-a-n. G-a-l-l-a-g-h-e-r.

LP: Never heard of him.

M: He’s your number 5 starter.

LP: Fuck you.

M: He really is. I swear. See…here’s his picture.

LP: Oh…that’s PigBoy. See his nose? Its like that shit on Seinfeld. PigBoy. Seinfeld’s pretty funny. I can’t believe they got Steinbrenner to guest star as often as he did.

M: Umm…he…

LP: That’s a pretty funny looking kid. Shit, I didn’t know his name was Gallagher.

M: Its on the back of his jersey.

LP: One more sarcastic comment from you and they’ll never find your body.

M (10:40): Okay…thanks for giving me a few minutes to change my shorts. Anyway, so Gallagher’s really come on lately, hasn’t he?

LP: Who?

M(10:41): Nevermind.

M (10:45): So why is Mike Fontenot on this team? He doesn’t seem to provide…well…anything of value on the baseball field.

LP (10:46): Well, he’s not really a good player, but he’s small, so we usually just stuff him in Zambrano’s suitcase on road trips and it saves us a seat on the plane for Daryle Ward’s knapsack full of Toblerones. We’re contractually obligated to provide them for him, so we have to save money somewhere. Fontenot is great for that.

M (10:50): I know that Wrigley fans show up to every game, stay until the end, cheer even when the team is down 7-1, but is there anything else the fans could be doing to help the team play more effectively?

LP: (10:51): Well, you know, we’re doing it all for them. They’ve had to wait almost 45 years for a World Series championship and…

M: Its been 99 years.
LP: Huh?

M: Its 2008.

LP: Even better! Well, however many years its been, they deserve a championship here at Weeghman Park.

M: Whatever.

LP: (10:55) Oh! I got one! Can you do anything about that stupid Southwest commercial that plays every fucking thirty seconds during the broadcasts of our games? I’ve never wanted to punch a child more than when that little shit sings “Let fweedom wiiiing.”

M: (10:57): I’ll see what I can do.

M(11:00 AM): So Lou, what do you think of the way your offense is performing this year?

LP(11:01 AM): We’ve…………

(11:08)done a pretty……

M (11:10): Jesus. Come on.

LP: (11:15)pretty good….

M (11:17): (Nodding off)

LP: (11:22)errr…….

M (11:25): This was a bad idea.

LP: (11:35)job hitting the ball.

M (11:35AM): Good to know.

M(11:36): So, since the Michael Barr…

LP (11:35): Mention that name and I’ll have Ted Lilly kill your family.

M (11:35) : Nevermind.

M (11:36): I know you have a unique relationship with your pitching staff.

LP (11:36): They throw strikes, they’re allowed to eat. From there on, each walk equals another fingernail that gets pulled off. I like to keep it simple…

LP(11:37): Take Jason Marquis for example. You see his last three starts? Haters might say “Ooooh…Lou. Holding his family hostage and treating them like the kid in ‘Clockwork Orange’ is a little extreme.” Well, he hasn’t lost since, has he? And has he been throwing strikes, so they can all suck it.

M (11:38): Well, I gotta go. Congratulations on such a great first half.

LP: Great first half of what?

M: Baseball.

LP: Oh great…how are we doing?

M: Your 20 games over .500.

LP: Shit, really? How’d we do that?

M: You scored more runs than the other team. Often.

LP: Awesome.

M: Yeah.

Wow.

Go Cubs.

Lay off the Irony Pills

Cubs.com has a knack for putting the most ironic stories/pictures possible in their headlines. So was it a shock that today, the day after Ronny Cedeno has what is possibly the Single Worst At Bat by a Major League Baseball Player in the History of the Game Going Back to Abner Fucking Doubleday, is it at all surprising that this is the headline?

As someone privy to the inner workings of the editorial staff at Cubs.com (read: not privy to anything at all), I was able to find out which headlines were actually intended for this morning's cubs.com front page. Among them:

Eric Patterson Adjusting Quickly to Demands of Left Field

Henry Blanco: Superclutch

Murton Fast Becoming Best Pinch Hitting Option

The Daryle Ward Diet Newest Fad in Hollywood

Sean Marshall: Everything Zambrano is, and He's a Lefty!

DeRosa and Wife Very Happy; Reportedly States He "Would Never Publicly Grope a Nineteen Year Old Country Singer"

Wuertz Unflappable When Team Not Perfect Behind Him

Edmonds Not Working Out As Well As Hoped; Message Board Posters Right Again
Then again, maybe I'm just a little annoyed that they lost at home. It seems like forever since they won at Wrigley. What's the matter with this team?

Welcome Back

To the man with the biggest smile on the Cubs...

and also one of the biggest asses...

those of us at FOTG just wanted to say...good to have you back, Daryle.

Go Cubs.

Not Forgetting Alexis Marshall

Dear Alexis-

Its good to have you back with the big club.

I know it must have been tough watching your husband toil away in Iowa, what with all the water and stuff. I'm sure you did your best to help him through that time while you were in Phoenix, where there are plenty of healthy and mentally stable people there to take care of you.

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a note and let you know that we here at FOTG are very excited to have you back periodically on our television sets, as you graciously allow Bob Brenly to gawk at you and stumble over his words.

Sincerely,

The Losers at Five Outs To Go


P.S. Do your best to make sure your husband doesn't suck ass.

Weekend Roundup

According to Pat Hughes, today is the first day in the 13 years he has been the Cubs broadcaster that the Cubs have been more than 4 games ahead of the Cardinals. I have no idea if that's true, but...ugh.

Department of Redundancy Department: Joe Morgan=Asshat. And now, a liar too.

The Cubs are still trying to save face on the $10 million they gave to Szmardksfsdfdlkhdfliudfhlw. Despite a near 5 ERA at AA, he's George Jefferson.

The White Sox whine and bitch about Wrigley Field, and (possibly) call the stadium security to eject hecklers, and the Cubs say nothing and just beat their asses. Well, maybe they said a little bit.

Carlos Zambrano: Not Gay. And he'll prove it. On the mound. Or something.
*linked to google's cached copy because chicagosports.com took the story down.


Paul Sullivan needs to stop whining about players who don't suck up to him. Of the "Best/Worst of the weekend," Aramis Ramirez gets "best player," but every "worst" is a Cub, for no other reason than they don't give good quotes.

Carlos Marmol needs to adjust his release point. Just don't make the same "adjustments" Shane Falco made.

Speaking of everyone's favorite headcase, his start on Friday was nosogood. He's being sent to Mesa for a "mental break." In with the good air, out with the bad air...in with the good air, out with the bad air...

Unrelated Post of the Month Part Two: RIP George

He was one of the truly gifted ones...

It's racist as hell, but at least we made the front page.

Went to ESPN.com this morning and was greeted by this image.


Thanks ESPN for proving that the easiest way to turn us from "lovable losers" to "racist assholes" is one embarrassing picture. What's the matter, couldn't you find a picture of some douche wearing the Horry Cow t-shirt?

BTW, the rising sun background is a nice touch too. Apparently subtlety isn't a job requirement for ESPN web designers. Asshats.

On a happier note, ESPN's own Gene Wojciechowski put together a nice piece about the Cubs that should help you put off hanging yourself for at least a few hours. My favorite part:

Chicago Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol plopped down on the billowy leather recliner in the visitors' clubhouse, leaned back in one of those "ahhhhh" moments … and then fell head over heels backward.

Reliever Scott Eyre, talking on his cell, let Marmol struggle for a few seconds, leaned the phone to the side and said, "Hold on a second. Marmol just fell over." And then he helped drag Marmol from the recliner.

Quality.

UPDATE: Good news. Check out that same pic on ESPN's PAGE 2. Now featuring double the pixels of intolerance! Hooray!


Go Cubs.