He's Still Smarter Than Dusty

A lot of people poke fun at the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs. When he pinch hit for Mike Fontenot on Saturday, forgetting that he had hit a home run in his previous at bat, everyone laughed. When he consistently cites “senior moments” when he forgets how the Cubs scored runs in games, everybody loves it. But I wanted to find out if all of these “senior moments” were actually true or just a schtick designed to entertain the media and fans.

So due to our unprecedented access to the Cubs*, I got a chance to interview Lou Piniella this morning. I’ve just finished listening to the interview and wrote out a transcript. Every word of this interview is true**.

*"unprecedented access": no access.
**"true": false.

Martin (10:30 AM): Good to meet you, Lou.

Lou Piniella (10:30 AM): Nice to meet you, too, Steve.

M (10:34): So I thought I’d start by talking to you about Sean Gallagher.

LP: Who?

M (10:34): Sean Gallagher.

LP: Spell it.

M: S-e-a-n. G-a-l-l-a-g-h-e-r.

LP: Never heard of him.

M: He’s your number 5 starter.

LP: Fuck you.

M: He really is. I swear. See…here’s his picture.

LP: Oh…that’s PigBoy. See his nose? Its like that shit on Seinfeld. PigBoy. Seinfeld’s pretty funny. I can’t believe they got Steinbrenner to guest star as often as he did.

M: Umm…he…

LP: That’s a pretty funny looking kid. Shit, I didn’t know his name was Gallagher.

M: Its on the back of his jersey.

LP: One more sarcastic comment from you and they’ll never find your body.

M (10:40): Okay…thanks for giving me a few minutes to change my shorts. Anyway, so Gallagher’s really come on lately, hasn’t he?

LP: Who?

M(10:41): Nevermind.

M (10:45): So why is Mike Fontenot on this team? He doesn’t seem to provide…well…anything of value on the baseball field.

LP (10:46): Well, he’s not really a good player, but he’s small, so we usually just stuff him in Zambrano’s suitcase on road trips and it saves us a seat on the plane for Daryle Ward’s knapsack full of Toblerones. We’re contractually obligated to provide them for him, so we have to save money somewhere. Fontenot is great for that.

M (10:50): I know that Wrigley fans show up to every game, stay until the end, cheer even when the team is down 7-1, but is there anything else the fans could be doing to help the team play more effectively?

LP: (10:51): Well, you know, we’re doing it all for them. They’ve had to wait almost 45 years for a World Series championship and…

M: Its been 99 years.
LP: Huh?

M: Its 2008.

LP: Even better! Well, however many years its been, they deserve a championship here at Weeghman Park.

M: Whatever.

LP: (10:55) Oh! I got one! Can you do anything about that stupid Southwest commercial that plays every fucking thirty seconds during the broadcasts of our games? I’ve never wanted to punch a child more than when that little shit sings “Let fweedom wiiiing.”

M: (10:57): I’ll see what I can do.

M(11:00 AM): So Lou, what do you think of the way your offense is performing this year?

LP(11:01 AM): We’ve…………

(11:08)done a pretty……

M (11:10): Jesus. Come on.

LP: (11:15)pretty good….

M (11:17): (Nodding off)

LP: (11:22)errr…….

M (11:25): This was a bad idea.

LP: (11:35)job hitting the ball.

M (11:35AM): Good to know.

M(11:36): So, since the Michael Barr…

LP (11:35): Mention that name and I’ll have Ted Lilly kill your family.

M (11:35) : Nevermind.

M (11:36): I know you have a unique relationship with your pitching staff.

LP (11:36): They throw strikes, they’re allowed to eat. From there on, each walk equals another fingernail that gets pulled off. I like to keep it simple…

LP(11:37): Take Jason Marquis for example. You see his last three starts? Haters might say “Ooooh…Lou. Holding his family hostage and treating them like the kid in ‘Clockwork Orange’ is a little extreme.” Well, he hasn’t lost since, has he? And has he been throwing strikes, so they can all suck it.

M (11:38): Well, I gotta go. Congratulations on such a great first half.

LP: Great first half of what?

M: Baseball.

LP: Oh great…how are we doing?

M: Your 20 games over .500.

LP: Shit, really? How’d we do that?

M: You scored more runs than the other team. Often.

LP: Awesome.

M: Yeah.