The Sky Was Falling!

Instead of writing some sophomoric analysis of what the Cubs have done to the Brewers the last three days (hint: it would have involved Calvin, Hobbes and urination. Comedy gold!), I figure it would be much more appropriate to simply copy a collection of wonderful quotes I’ve found on the interweb in the days leading up to the Brewers' series. Some are from message boards (one particularly Chicken Little infested board, actually) and some are from “professional” writers. Anyway, on to the fun…

“What a pathetic joke…Cubs fans definitely deserve better than this. Once that Wrigley Field magic the Cubs had going early on is gone, this team is screwed.”

“Well, I enjoyed sole possession of first place. They'll be a few games into second after the Milwaukee series. The Brewers are on freakin' fire right now, and the Cubs are playing like.... well, the Cubs.”

“Fans' reply to concerns about bullpen usage that many of us have been bringing up all season:
April/May: Shut up, it's early.
June/July: Shut up, we're still in first place.
August/Sept: (predicted) Shut up, it hasn't sunk our season yet.
October: (predicted) Man, I wish we hadn't done that.”

“With the Brewers having the momentum, the pitching and the home-cheese advantage, what happens if they manage only a split?
The teams have played two series this year, both at Wrigley, both times the Cubs' losing two of three on a field where they were nearly unbeatable, which is bad. And now they're going on the road, where they stink, and even if you don't think that "stink” is the right word, you at least have to concede that they are worse than Milwaukee and St. Louis on the road. But what happens if the Brewers can't take at least three of four from the worst first-place road team in the majors?”

“The Cubs can't win in the cruddy NL West right now and the Brewers can't lose in St. Louis. Just to clarify: Not a good thing. After today, the Cubs are done with the NL West, against whom they are 22-10. What happens when the Cubs have to play good teams on the road?”

“Who knew that Milwaukee, which just got its first Starbucks last week but had the progressive vision to acquire CC Sabathia, could be a dateline for the next possible chapter in the Cubbie Horror Pi cture Show? Who knew that the Brewers, not the Diamondbacks or Mets or Phillies or Cardinals, could be the bouncers who turn 100 years of waiting into 101?”

Well played, all of you. Couldn’t have been more dead-on. Ten games (in which the Cubs went 4-6 and lost three games by one run) are far more representative of the team than the 100 previous games. Granted, these three games are equally small sample sizes and they don’t necessarily mean much (other than a four game lead). But everybody needs to get a grip. Except for Brewers’ fans. Its fun watching them lose their minds.

Things to be Grateful For After Games 1 and 2 of Brewers Series

1.Ryan Braun’s defense.

2.Thin handles on maple bats.

3.Reed Johnson’s ability to locate the center of gravity on another human being.

4.Patience at the plate.

5.Rickie Weeks' defense.

6.Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano’s ability to get to second base after admiring what they thought to be home runs.

7.The predictability of Chicago columnists (Cardinals are better than the Cubs! Oh wait…Brewers are better than the Cubs! Oh wait…the Angels are better than the Cubs!)

8.Corey Hart’s defense.

9.The inability of Ben Sheets to throw low and outside sliders to Derrek Lee.

10.Mike Fonenot and Carlos Zambrano’s pregame handshake.

11.Ned Yost’s decision-making ability.

What Scott Eyre Was Thinking During Sunday's Game

Pregame: I swear to God, if he calls me Steve today, I’m going to punch him in the side of the head. I mean come on, it’s been a year and a half. My name is not Steve. Hey, that could be a TV show-like the opposite of “My Name is Earl.” Everybody says I look like that guy on that show…what’s his name? Randy? Yeah, I think that’s the one. That would be a funny show. I like sandwiches. Who’s pitching today? Marquis? Sweet…probably gonna get in this one. Mmmm…ice cream. I want to make sweet, sweet love to whoever came up with the idea for Haagen Dazs.

Early Innings: Marquis is getting lit up. Shocker. Man, that guy sucks. I wish we had a craft services table in the bullpen. Hey, a butterfly. I know he’s going call me Steve again. I like Reed Johnson’s facial hair. I wonder if Jim Edmonds wore a half shirt at his wedding. I should write a novel-something about a superhero. He could be a mild-mannered middle reliever who saves the game and the day. Genius! Oh, you want me to warm up? Wait…you don’t? Alright. Its okay-I didn’t want to warm up anyway.

5th Inning: I shouldn’t have said that when they told me not to warm up last inning. Came off too dismissive. Damn. If they ask me again, I’ll play it cool. But I can't be too needy. Gotta do this just right. Hooray! They want me to warm up. Finally going to pitch again. Keep it together, Scotty. Gotta play this cool. Probably should look at that stat book thingy that Lester Strode is always showing guys who are warming up. Let’s see how good I’m doing this year. Wait…I’ve only thrown 213 pitches the whole year? That’s really sad. Sit back down? Don’t need me yet? Alrighty.

6th inning: Warm up again? Alright. Gotta put me in this time. Seriously-every reliever on this team has thrown like 150 pitches this weekend and I haven’t gotten into a single game. I don’t think Lou remembers that I’m on the team. Maybe I should dye my hair-do something really crazy so he’ll notice me. Gotta do something to spice up this relationship. Why am I the one doing all the work? This can’t be a one-way street. Oh, you don’t need me to throw yet? Okay, just let me know. I’ll be here.

7th Inning: Let me guess, you want me to warm up again. I hate you. I hate this team. I’m going to firebomb the clubhouse. I'm going to go Left Eye on Lou's house. I’m going to throw this ball at the dugout like that nutcase in Single-A. Oh…you don’t need me this inning? Sit back down? Surprise, surprise. Screw all of you.

8th Inning: Okay…gotta deal with it. That was an overreaction. Gotta relax and think rationally. Maybe they just don’t like me. Wait, Lou said he liked me, but does he like me-like me? I know he said that if we had a little time apart that we’d be able to really see how this is working out. I took that extra time on the DL and didn’t call him or text him or anything, just so he would have his space. He asks me back, and we go right back into the old routine. Maybe I’ll just go pitch for another team next year. See how he likes that. Then I’ll call him and tell him how much better the other manager is than him. He’ll want me to come pitch for him then. And I’ll tell him, “sorry, you screwed up. I’ve moved on.” That would be great.

9th Inning: I think Henry Blanco has been the one putting those “dead man walking” signs in my locker, but how do I prove it? Hmmm…can’t. That bastard’s an evil genius. Maybe I should get a tattoo sleeve. Those guys always look tough. You need me to warm up again? Gotcha. Maybe I can impress him so much in my warm up that he’ll put me in the game. Okay, that was the best slider I’ve ever thrown. He’s gotta notice me now. Sit back down? Okay.

Post Game: I’m sure he’ll use me tomorrow. He said he really wanted to get me in there and that he’s just really busy during the games. That makes sense. Maybe I call him too much. He’s a complicated guy-probably just needs a little time. Oh, here he comes..stay cool Scotty. You can do this. Just say hi and act like this weekend was no big deal. Gotta go with something simple-make it seem like you don’t mind. Just say “Hey Skip,” and keep walking. Wait! He’s stopping to talk to you! Be cool! Don’t screw this up!

…

I can’t believe he called me Stevie.

That Escalated Quickly...Brick Killed a Guy

Cubs minor leaguer Julio Castillo was arrested by Dayton police for throwing a ball at the opponent's dugout during a brawl between the Peoria Chiefs and Dayton...wait...who cares what teams were playing. Dude threw a ball at someone. It hit a fan, of course, who was hospitalized. Mr. Castillo's career may have just ended. On a related note, some seventy year old lady cut me off on Ashland the other day and I thought about saying something to her at the next stoplight. But I didn't.

UPDATE: Added a second video. Might want to turn the sound down on this one due to the meathead who has the balls to cuss out the guy who just threw a 100 mph fastball at a fan as he's walking off the field with a bat in his hands.



UPDATE #2:
Here's my favorite parts:
1) An hour after the brawl began, Midwest League president George Spelius, reached by telephone at his home in Beloit, Wis., reversed the ejections under advisement from the parent Reds and Cubs, who didn't want to see each team use two pitchers as outfielders.

Yeah, cuz they needed to finish that game.

2) They play again tonight. That should be interesting.

(Sort of) Immediate Reaction, Cubs-Marlins

Ten Things I learned during tonight’s Cubs game:

1. If you miss with 18 straight sliders away, there’s only one pitch to throw…slider away.

2. Its too bad Marmol couldn’t pitch to Derrek Lee. Lee would swing at every pitch.

3. Its impossible to not chuckle when you hear Dan Uggla get booed by fans who didn’t even know his name before the All Star Game.

4. Soriano means something in the leadoff spot, even if its only an intentional walk.

5. Styx needs to realize that the seventh inning stretch won’t be the beginning of the comeback. Stop trying so hard.

6. I really like chocolate covered raisins.

7. Mark Cuban: $1.3 Billion offer to buy the Cubs. Holy. Shit. Well, this will be one more reason to hate Bud Selig when he finds a way to get Canning back in and the Cubs get sold for $700 million.

8. Someone needs to create a magical cure for blisters. Now.

9. Runs are a lot easier to come by when you don’t swing at the first pitch in every at bat.

10. It’s a lot more fun to win than to suck.

Blogger Headed to the DL?

PHOENIX -- Amid increased speculation regarding Five Outs to Go's lack of posts on Thursday was the lingering and worrisome issue of blogger J dot's health status.

Rumors that the blister on his right index finger hasn't come close to healing the way the blog expected continue to circulate and J dot could be facing another trip to the Stopped Blogging List today.

Considering the level of work he is currently trapped under and the fact J dot hasn't blogged in 7 days, the chances seem remote he could return to blogging any sooner than next week in Milwaukee -- if not during the first homestand in August.

J dot blogged on the side Wednesday to keep his fingers active but typed only consonants, without using the index finger.

''Is it getting to be a concern? You're 'basket-weaving kittens' it is,'' said co-blogger Martin Moran, who has been trying to fill the void during J dot's absence. ''We need the guy back, no question.''

Because rules prohibit backdating a SBL move more than 10 days, J dot would be required to be sidelined at least five days from the time of a move, a stretch that looks like a safe bet pending the outcome an important meet at J dot's work today.

If J dot goes on the SBL, Five Outs to Go could replace him by activating Chud (in Australia) when he returns early next week, or possibly by going to Brent, their top power commenter at Iowa.

''That's conceivable,'' Martin said. ''He's put himself on the radar.''

The former baseball star at Maroa-Forsyth is averaging 4.3 Comments Per Week (CPW) which is best on the blog.

GO Cubs.

Hey Look! Hits! Walks! Runs!

A few notes from the last couple days...

Using typical sportswriter logic (i.e. the last game is representative of the entire season) Soriano's presence in the lineup (and his 1-5) mean about 10 runs per game for this team. Yay for tiny sample sizes.

Bright side: The Cubs have just gone through a six week stretch where they lost both their (at the time) most productive hitter for the entirety, their best pitcher for two weeks, and their closer for two weeks. At the beginning of that stretch, the Cubs were 15 games over .500. They are currently 17 games over .500. Surprisingly not bad, all things considered.

Even Brighter Side: Ned Yost is still the Brewers manager.

The second round of bids for the Cubs has begun, and the early favorite has gone Big Brown at Belmont.

Kerry Wood apparently has finger herpes, so Smardhdkoeesdfsdkjsadadsfhdk may get the call.


Its over. Move on. Losers.

What I REALLY Wanted to Write Was...

So I wrote an initial reaction to Monday night's abomination in Arizona in which the Cubs couldn't score a single run against a 134 year old pitcher with a bad back. I also decided to point out the players that have been particularly putrid over the last few days for special commendation. Unfortunately, Jason has yelled at me for swearing too much in my posts, so I've replaced every curse word with a word from this blog. See if you can match up the happy words with the ones I actually wanted to write. It's like Mad-Libs. Or something. Here goes...

----

*Cotton candy eating* stupid bunch of mother *basketweaving* pieces of gutless *puppies*. I'd like to walk down to Arizona and tear every hitters' *Northern Exposure on DVDs* off and staple them to the wall. I hate every one of you *marshmallows*.

Bob Howry: Bob Howry can suck my *kittens*. The sooner that piece of *sunshine* is off this team, the better.

Daryle Ward: I have no idea why Daryle Ward's fat *basketweaving* *kitten* is still on this team either. I'm surprised his *basketweaving* *kitten* hasn't eaten his way out of the *basketweaving* league yet. Why don't you drop the *basketweaving* plow and get your stupid *kitten* to first base, you sack of *petrified sock monkeys*.

Derrek Lee: Here's a hint, Derrek-low and outside pitches are *basketweaving* balls. Stop making yourself look like a dumb *kitten* by swinging at them, you lifeless *basketweave*. Thanks for yet another *basketweaving* double-play, "petrified sock monkey" head.

Aramis Ramirez: Hey, its Mr. 0-for Post All Star Break. Why don't you go back to *pinwheel* fighting, because its clear you haven't brought your *pinwheel* back with you from the All Star Game.

Rich Harden: You're pretty good.

Any time you pieces of *walks on the beach* want to get your heads out of your *kittens* and realize that no matter what smoke and mirrors the *wonderful* Cardinals have, they are only two games behind you *basketweaves*. And the Brewers are actually good. I *basketweaving* hate writing that, but the *basketweaving* Brewers are *basketweaving* good. Now start playing *basketweaving* baseball the right *basketweaving* way or someone's going to have to put his foot in every one of your *kittens*. *Basketweave* every one of you.

WNBA Unintentionally Fills Sports Void, Makes Me Sad

For those of you who don't know, the days before and after the All-Star Game are the ONLY two days of the YEAR where there are ZERO "major" sports on TV. I put major in quotes for two reasons:

1) I can't stand hockey on TV, but again...let's leave that in the "story for another day" pile.
2) I learned that there are actually sports on TV during those two days.

Let me explain.

As is tradition in the J dot bedroom, each morning when the alarm goes off I treat myself to the awesome double-barrelled combo of WGN Morning News and Sportscenter. Depending on how the Cubs performed the night before, the channel is either on the news most of the time (Cubs lost) or on Sportscenter most of the time (Cubs won). Well, as I slapped the alarm clock this morning, I was met with a dilemma. The Cubs had not played.

I flipped on SC for a second and realized that other than the British Open sans Tiger, they were filling space with Rick Reilly segments (dear lord baby Jesus please strike me down) and tons of over-analysis of the second half of the MLB season (too much of that guy that isn't Kruk). No thanks. So that meant I was heading over to WGN for some morning news/giggles.

Unfortunately, when I turned on the station formally known as "Super," the sports segment was on and I was greeted with this little tidbit:

(paraphrased) The Sky took on the Shock yesterday at 11AM, perfect time for all those camp kids."

Flabbergasted is the only way I can describe my reaction to that. I thought I had misheard, but thanks to the God that is Tivo, I "doot-doot-ed" back and sure enough he did say 11 IN THE MORNING. Which got me thinking, "What else is there about the WNBA that I don't know about and is amusing enough to base a post around?" Join me, won't you, while I find out.

1) 11 IN THE MORNING Start Times
No way I could gloss over this one. According to the Sky's own website (only viewed for the purpose of this blog), the recap states:

In front of a crowd of mostly kids from summer camps, Detroit took control midway in the second period and cruised to a 10-0 home record.

About a thousand things about this give me pause. Is the WNBA popular amongst kid's in summer camps? Is that their niche? Or is it used as punishment for bad campers. "Billy, either you stop hitting Suzie or you are going to watch the Shock take on the Sky tomorrow!" I hope it's the former...for Billy' sake.

2a) The new WNBA tagline is "Expect Great"

Basically what this says to the "fans" is:

Sure, go ahead. Expect it. Knock yourself out. We just aren't going to guarantee anything. It's not our fault that the score will be 15-13 at the half with both teams combining to go 12-42 from the field with most of those misses being of the "bunny" variety. We told you to "expect" greatness. It's your fault for actually listening to us.

2b) The Chicago Sky's new slogan is "Raise Your Voice."

I am unsure what exactly that means. Raise my voice how? In anger? Done and done.

3) There is a fantasy section of the WNBA website.

Let that one sink in for a minute. It's hosted by some poor sap named named Mathew Brennan
who I can only assume is being punished for something. Do you think right about now he is regretting uttering these words to his (then) wife:

"Yes, I quit my job. This is my big break! I'm gonna get paid to talk about fantasy sports, honey! Who cares that it's the WNBA!"

I'm thinking yes. But I could be wrong.

Side Note: Touted as an expert, he is currently only in the 84th percentile of his OWN league. Not sure we can trust this guy. I mean, Candace Parker as his Rookie to Watch? Hello! Nicky Anosike anyone? Hack.

Alright, that's all I can take. I could go on and on about the absurdity of this league even still existing, but I would be beating a LONG dead horse. My only hope is that it dissolves before my buddy's daughter is old enough to care, just so I never see these words in a text:

Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the Shock v. Sky game tomorrow at 11AM. You in?

No. No I am not.

Go Cubs.

It Took Less than 24 Hours for a Sportswriter to Piss Me Off

So I’m back from Europe, and I’ve learned two things:

1. I eat and dress like crap.
2. When the best thing on TV is a 9 nine year old episode of “Diagnosis Murder,” your continent sucks.

Anyway…since I haven’t really had a chance to read much about the Cubs over the last couple weeks (quick synopsis: Yay Harden! Yay Cubs! Boo Marmol! Yay Cubs!), I might as well use this Post All-Star break hiatus to comment on one of my favorite sportswriters in our fine city.

As many know, I hate Steve Rosenbloom with the white hot energy of 1,000 suns. I find him to be the most irritating sportswriter in a city of irritating sportswriters (and when you share a city with Jay Mariotti, that’s saying something). He is the ultimate proof of the adage written by Bill Simmons before ESPN stole his soul: “Most sportswriters stopped liking sports about 20 years ago.” This would, of course, be fine if he were an entertaining writer or had anything of insight to bring to his column. But he doesn’t, which is why the Tribune has relegated him to “part time poker columnist,” the sports equivalent to a television writer who gives weekly updates on “The Single Guy.”

Anyway, he decided to write his “worries” for the Cubs in the second half. Apparently, he doesn’t feel the need to write anything positive about a team that has the best record in baseball. Fine-we know the score with guys like Rosenbloom. But it would be nice if he had one cogent, decent point to make. Anyway, on to his “reasoning”:

History. Yeah, it's been 100 years, everyone loves round numbers and what a Kodak moment that would be. But recent history has been a killer ever since Dusty Baker presided over the greatest choke in franchise history in 2003. I mean, just look: In 2004, the Red Sox ended what was then the second-longest drought in sports history; in 2005, the White Sox ended what was then the new second-longest drought in sports history; in 2006, the evil Cardinals won the World Series; in 2007, the Red Sox rubbed it in again. So, in 2008, history suggests that the only way to make this more excruciating for the Cubs is to have the Brewers win it.

Okay, aside from the factual error that takes three seconds to look up (the White Sox last won in 1917, the Red Sox in 1918, so when the Red Sox won in 2004, they did not have the second-longest drought), there is one simple question: When are sportswriters going to stop using the Cubs’ history as a predictor of anything?
They’ve beaten the “100 years” to death already-it’s the laziest sports story this side of Brett Favre. Cubs fans get it. But to use it to predict a damn thing, as if the events that occurred before most players on this team were alive, let alone in the league, has some sort of impact, has got to be the dumbest idea ever. I guess it makes sense for a lazy writer.

Speaking of the Brewers, the team that recently acquired the best pitcher available plays only 23 games against teams above .500 the rest of the way, while the Cubs play 34. The Brewers are 37-23 against bad teams, while the Cubs are 11-5 against good teams.

Okay….
Let’s do some math, shall we?
Brewers: 37-23 against “bad teams” (winning percentage .617)
Cubs: 11-5 against “good teams” (winning percentage .688)

So what the hell is his point? Does he think we’re Unfrozen Cave Men lawyers? “Your numbers scare and frighten us. We will just believe you, lazy column guy.”

(Side note: If you add up the Cubs’ and Brewers’ records, then the Cubs are 46-33 (.582) against "bad" and the Brewers are 15-20 (.429 -- losing record) against "good teams.” But hey, let’s just use the numbers that make the Cubs look bad.)

The Cardinals. Of the three teams in the NL Central race, the Cardinals have the toughest schedule, facing opponents whose winning percentage is .507 right now. You're thinking, this should finally do them in, but as legendary Hole-In-The-Wall manager Butch Cassidy said, "Who are those guys?"

The Cardinals suck. They’ve played over their heads all year, just like they did last year, when their team was actually better than it is this year. And where did they end up last year? They faded in August and September. Let’s move on.

Geovany Soto's stamina. If you believed that the kid catcher would put up these kinds of offensive numbers and handle a pitching staff with such maturity, then pass the bong. He has batted up and down the lineup and produced everywhere. Power, clutch, whatever. He has been on the receiving end of a 3.89 team ERA. But does he have the strength and ability to repeat over the next 2 ½ months?

I like it when sportswriters try and seem hip by talking about The Marijuana. But why has “young player gets worn down” become the Critique Du Jour of every damn columnist in the city? Probably because the only player they really pay attention to is Ryan Theriot, who sucked pretty much every month last year except June, but was particularly crappy in September, so (using lazy columnist logic), he “wore down.”
Soto played 128 games between AAA and the Cubs last year. He played 120 the year before. AND HE’S 25. When I was 25, I could drink Miller Lite pitchers constantly from the hours of 4 pm on Friday to 4 pm on Sunday while sleeping a total of about 5.3 hours for the entire weekend. Based on my recently invented “Martin Scale of Things That Are Hard to Do” (patent pending), that is 3.876 times harder than playing 155 baseball games, which is what Soto is on pace to do. So suck on that, Rosenbloom.

Ted Lilly. Last year, he was the stopper, going 9-1 after losses. This year, he has shown signs of that, and then he has shown signs of channeling Glendon Rusch. He has won four of his last five decisions and eight of his last 10, posting an ERA of 3.99 since May 1, but I don't know, there's just something that I don't trust.

Okay, this one’s fair. The Cubs definitely have to worry about the production they get from their FOURTH starter, who has an ERA under 4 over the last two months. Might as well quit now, because they’re clearly in trouble. The Brewers, after all, have gone 37-23 against teams that have the letter “R” in their names, and they play those teams 25 times for the rest of the year. The Cubs are screwed.