The wonderful folks over at Deadspin posted a video of a couple of douche bag Cubs fans going all "Thunderdome" on Thursday. Stay classy, Bleacher Turds.
Go Cubs.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
He'll Always Be Clueless
I tried really hard to be happy about the whole “Mariotti is leaving the Sun Times” story. After all, who wouldn’t be happy about the fact that Chicago won’t be subjected to this smarmy prick spewing pretty much the same spiteful crap week in, week out? This is a guy who literally writes three columns:
1. The owner of ________ team is cheap and needs to spend more money.
2. The manager of __________ team is stupid and should be fired.
3. Whatever minor event that occurred the day before is the single worst thing that has ever happened and representative of what a horrible city Chicago is.
Given this, coupled with my general spite for the vast majority of mainstream columnists, there should be no reason why I wouldn’t have vast amounts of material to throw at this slapdick (note: I’m trying them all before I settle on one).
Unfortunately, I don’t really have much to say about him, because (as much as I hate to say this), I agree with his reasoning. The newspaper is a dying entity. And its dying because of columnists like Mariotti. People are tired of reading guys who clearly don’t really like sports that much and are more concerned with exercising their writing chops than with actually developing cogent thoughts about the teams they cover. Instead of actually coming up with unique angles and stories that might make fans enjoy the game more (or at least give them funny ways of ripping their shitty teams), most newspaper columnists have resorted to finding slightly unique ways of writing the same column over and over again.
It’s no wonder that about 8,000,000,000 Cubs blogs have sprung up over the last few years. People are desperate for interesting, engaging writers who can actually express what it is truly like to be a fan. To be honest, I haven’t read a single column from any of the Trib, Sun Times or Herald columnists that was half as interesting, engaging or funny as some things I’ve read on Hire Jim Essian or one of the other blogs we link to. It is utterly impossible to relate to the newspaper columnist today, and what’s worse, the columnists aren’t even trying to bridge that gap. In demonstrating the absolute arrogance they’ve come to embody, they aren’t even trying to adapt and more often than not, are simply jumping ship like the rats they are.
A simple piece of advice to guys like Jay Mariotti: just because you’re going to get paid a whole lot of money and your columns will appear on some worthless web site, it doesn’t mean you’ll be “adapting to the new way of doing things.” Being a web columnist involves a lot more than simply being unavailable in print: it means writing with a sense of the fan (especially the young fan). As demonstrated by your entire career, you are far too arrogant to ever relate to a fan. That will never change because you are incapable of change. And that’s why we hate you.
It would have been so much more fun to write about how Mariotti is stuck in a Chinese prison after refusing to pay his 9 year old male prostitute when he gave him the clap. Unfortunately, that didn't happen (at least we can't confirm it). In the end, he is leaving the Sun Times for the right reasons, as the newspaper is dying. But in true newspaper columnist form, he is too arrogant and lazy to even try and understand what caused it. Good riddance.
P.S. Yes, I realize that I wrote "I don't have much to say about Mariotti," then wrote four paragraphs about him. You know why? Shut up, that's why.
UPDATE: News has gotten out that he didn't leave for quite the reasons he said he did. He's an even bigger bitch than I thought, which I didn't know was possible.
1. The owner of ________ team is cheap and needs to spend more money.
2. The manager of __________ team is stupid and should be fired.
3. Whatever minor event that occurred the day before is the single worst thing that has ever happened and representative of what a horrible city Chicago is.
Given this, coupled with my general spite for the vast majority of mainstream columnists, there should be no reason why I wouldn’t have vast amounts of material to throw at this slapdick (note: I’m trying them all before I settle on one).
Unfortunately, I don’t really have much to say about him, because (as much as I hate to say this), I agree with his reasoning. The newspaper is a dying entity. And its dying because of columnists like Mariotti. People are tired of reading guys who clearly don’t really like sports that much and are more concerned with exercising their writing chops than with actually developing cogent thoughts about the teams they cover. Instead of actually coming up with unique angles and stories that might make fans enjoy the game more (or at least give them funny ways of ripping their shitty teams), most newspaper columnists have resorted to finding slightly unique ways of writing the same column over and over again.
It’s no wonder that about 8,000,000,000 Cubs blogs have sprung up over the last few years. People are desperate for interesting, engaging writers who can actually express what it is truly like to be a fan. To be honest, I haven’t read a single column from any of the Trib, Sun Times or Herald columnists that was half as interesting, engaging or funny as some things I’ve read on Hire Jim Essian or one of the other blogs we link to. It is utterly impossible to relate to the newspaper columnist today, and what’s worse, the columnists aren’t even trying to bridge that gap. In demonstrating the absolute arrogance they’ve come to embody, they aren’t even trying to adapt and more often than not, are simply jumping ship like the rats they are.
A simple piece of advice to guys like Jay Mariotti: just because you’re going to get paid a whole lot of money and your columns will appear on some worthless web site, it doesn’t mean you’ll be “adapting to the new way of doing things.” Being a web columnist involves a lot more than simply being unavailable in print: it means writing with a sense of the fan (especially the young fan). As demonstrated by your entire career, you are far too arrogant to ever relate to a fan. That will never change because you are incapable of change. And that’s why we hate you.
It would have been so much more fun to write about how Mariotti is stuck in a Chinese prison after refusing to pay his 9 year old male prostitute when he gave him the clap. Unfortunately, that didn't happen (at least we can't confirm it). In the end, he is leaving the Sun Times for the right reasons, as the newspaper is dying. But in true newspaper columnist form, he is too arrogant and lazy to even try and understand what caused it. Good riddance.
P.S. Yes, I realize that I wrote "I don't have much to say about Mariotti," then wrote four paragraphs about him. You know why? Shut up, that's why.
UPDATE: News has gotten out that he didn't leave for quite the reasons he said he did. He's an even bigger bitch than I thought, which I didn't know was possible.
Breaking News: Turns Out Jay is Just a Turd
Deadspin found out the real story behind the departure of Ozzie Guillen's favorite columnist.
According to two reliable sources, Mariotti, just back from Beijing, wanted to write a column on Barack Obama. But it wasn't Jay's turn to write — it was Rick Telander's — and Telander also wanted to write on Obama. And we know how Mariotti feels about Rick. Sun-Times says no, Jay, wait your turn.
And so Mariotti, showing the maturity he's famous for, calmly assessed the situation and figured he was not going to let it bother him. Just kidding! He threw a fit worthy of a three-year-old. Then this bit of greatness: Mariotti resigned, and then headed to the Sun-Times office to tape his Around the Horn segment, only to find that his security pass had been deactivated while the paper was deciding whether or not to accept the resignation. They finally accepted it.
Now that's more like it! Kudos for taking the high road, sir. Kudos indeed.
Go Cubs.
Mariotti Discovers Interwebs. Interwebs Vows to Find Better Hiding Spot.
As I'm sure you are all well aware by now, Jay Mariotti quit the Sun-Times yesterday after discovering that sports are covered (better) on the Interwebs. So long old friend. Thanks for 17 years of setting the bar as low as possible (other than when you defended Ms. Erin Andrews, high-five for that one). I hear AOL is hiring...keep your fingers crossed.NOTE: I'm sure Martin will have a more detailed career obit from Martin later today. Now Featuring Even More Obscenities!
Go Cubs.
Monday, August 25, 2008
2008 MVP? Answer is as easy as...(pun removed at request of host).
No, I did not suffer a major head trauma over the weekend (that I can remember) nor am I currently drunk. I am, in fact, dead serious. The 2008 Chicago Cubs MVP is Felix Pie. Yes, that Felix Pie.(Waiting patiently for my four readers to stop shaking their heads.)
Don't believe me? Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we. Coming out of spring training, the young phenom Pie was all set to take over in center. It was his time to shine. Problem was, he forgot to bring his bat with him when they broke camp. In 30 games to start the year, the "5-tool" star managed 14 hits. FOURTEEN. That's half a hit per game for all you math geeks. That is not exactly making the most of your opportunity. In those same 30 games, he struck out a whopping 23 times. He drove in 7 and had a homer. Pie jerseys were approaching "Half Off!" status and the boo-birds were out in force at Wrigley.
So how is he the MVP? It is because of this amazing display of sucktitude that Jim "yes, I have room for thirds" Hendry was able to make TWO very important roster moves that solidified the Cubs as the team to beat in the NL.
1) Reed Johnson
After being let go by the Blue Jays, Johnson was basically just looking to play baseball...anywhere...when Hendry scooped him up. Originally just acquired as an extra outfielder, all Reed did was shove Pie aside and start raking the ball. In 86 games, he's slugging .458 with 45 runs scored. He's been solid in center and clutch when it counts. Basically, he was the anti-Pie. Not bad for a guy without a team in April.
2) Jim Edmonds
Speaking of guys without a team, Jimbo was hobbled by a calf injury to start the season and was putting up Pie-like numbers for the Padres. Showing absolutely zero patience for the struggling veteran who had done nothing but hit his whole career, San Diego gave Edmonds his walking papers after only 26 games. Ouch. Despite many desperate pleas by dumb-ass bloggers like this idiot, Hendry signed Jim and hooked him up to the rejuvenation machine. Just like Reed, he has caught everything hit his way in center and belted 15 HR along the way. Not bad at all for a former douchebag.
So as the Cubs head down the homestretch, moving closer and closer to a win total that should end up somewhere north of 90, take a moment to thank Mr. Pie for all he has done for this team. Without his valuable lack of contributions early in the season, our beloved team wouldn't have the best record in baseball let alone a 4.5 game lead in the division. Way to go Pie, your MVP trophy is in the mail!
Go Cubs.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
An End…And a New Beginning
Here at FOtG, I believe we’ve gotten complacent. Sloppy. Downright lazy. We simply haven’t been doing our job to bring our four readers the cutting edge of Cubs coverage. We have shirked our job, and done you a disservice. I cannot apologize enough, but I promise a brand new day has begun.
I’m talking about douchebags.
2007 was the year of the douchebag. Everybody was a douchebag. The guy who cut you off on Ashland? Douchebag. The operator from T-Mobile who claimed that you broke your contract and wouldn’t give you your $200 back? Douchebag. It was the go-to line for anyone remotely angered by the actions of another. In the American lexicon, it was the Bob Howry to your Lou Piniella:overused and rapidly losing effectiveness. The word has been used so many times and applied to so many different types of people that it has simply lost all humor.
Most of all, however, the Cubs were douchebags. From Michael Barrett to Rob Bowen to Jason Kendall, they had a virtual murder’s row of douchebags at the catcher position alone. And with Dusty still making the news in Chicago once a week last year, the term douchebag was never more readily (and justifiably) applied.
But its time has come.
Maybe it’s the fact that the Cubs are (for the first time in any of our lifetimes) actually a team that blows people out. Maybe its because “douchebag” has become just to easy to apply to anyone and everyone. For whatever reason, the word just doesn’t carry enough weight anymore. So, as of today, I will no longer refer to anyone as a douchebag. This will be my final post with the label of "douchebags." Its over. Pour one out.
Please note, however, that the word “douche” is still readily applicable, as it describes a certain type of person who simply embodies all that is douchey. People like this and this.
So, since “douchebag” is utterly played out, its time to usher in a new era of vintage insult. And, thanks to the Desipio message board and several minutes of deliberation, I have narrowed the list to five finalists. Mary Brennaman will forever have a new moniker. And I’m leaving it up to you, the four readers of Five Outs to Go, to decide that new moniker for me. The five finalists are (in alphabetical order):
Asshat
Cockface
Dicklick
Jizzbiscuit
Slapdick
Feel free to use the comment section to cast your vote. As soon as I get a critical mass of input (i.e. more than two votes), douchebag will forever be cast out and a new day will dawn. Carpe Diem.
I’m talking about douchebags.
2007 was the year of the douchebag. Everybody was a douchebag. The guy who cut you off on Ashland? Douchebag. The operator from T-Mobile who claimed that you broke your contract and wouldn’t give you your $200 back? Douchebag. It was the go-to line for anyone remotely angered by the actions of another. In the American lexicon, it was the Bob Howry to your Lou Piniella:overused and rapidly losing effectiveness. The word has been used so many times and applied to so many different types of people that it has simply lost all humor.
Most of all, however, the Cubs were douchebags. From Michael Barrett to Rob Bowen to Jason Kendall, they had a virtual murder’s row of douchebags at the catcher position alone. And with Dusty still making the news in Chicago once a week last year, the term douchebag was never more readily (and justifiably) applied.
But its time has come.
Maybe it’s the fact that the Cubs are (for the first time in any of our lifetimes) actually a team that blows people out. Maybe its because “douchebag” has become just to easy to apply to anyone and everyone. For whatever reason, the word just doesn’t carry enough weight anymore. So, as of today, I will no longer refer to anyone as a douchebag. This will be my final post with the label of "douchebags." Its over. Pour one out.
Please note, however, that the word “douche” is still readily applicable, as it describes a certain type of person who simply embodies all that is douchey. People like this and this.
So, since “douchebag” is utterly played out, its time to usher in a new era of vintage insult. And, thanks to the Desipio message board and several minutes of deliberation, I have narrowed the list to five finalists. Mary Brennaman will forever have a new moniker. And I’m leaving it up to you, the four readers of Five Outs to Go, to decide that new moniker for me. The five finalists are (in alphabetical order):
Asshat
Cockface
Dicklick
Jizzbiscuit
Slapdick
Feel free to use the comment section to cast your vote. As soon as I get a critical mass of input (i.e. more than two votes), douchebag will forever be cast out and a new day will dawn. Carpe Diem.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Off Day Email Extravaganza: Fernando Tatis Edition
Yes, before you ask, Mr. Tatis IS the best 3b available in my keeper league. Sad, but true. As of today, I stand 2 games out of the final playoff spot with 2 games remaining and I have to hang all my hopes and dreams on this SOB thanks to Evan Longoria's injury. Why am I still talking about this? Well, the Cubs took another weekend series and followed it up with an off day. Without them, I am left to obsess about my crappy fantasy team. Not good times. So in the hopes of keeping a small piece of my sanity, let's answer some viewer mail!
"J dot? What's with the lame name? Was J Diddy taken?"
Tim, Rolling Meadows, IL
Zing! Good one, Tim! Thanks for the email, person I just made up. To be honest, I am not a huge fan of this name either. It was originally chosen as an homage t0 one of the my favorite MCs, Shawn Carter aka Shawn Dot, aka Jay-Z. Actually, I think it was less lame before I used "homage" and "MC" in the same sentence. It's also one letter shorter than my actual name, so that will probably save me at least 1 hour a year of typing. When you post almost twice a week, you gotta find ways to save time.
With the Cubs playing so well, is it wrong that I want kick Derek Lee in the nuts, repeatedly?
Tim, Shreveport, LA
Not at all, guy with the same name as the last guy I made up, but I think you're gonna have to stand in line. D-Lee is turning into the Sammy Sosa of singles. He LOVES the meaningless hit. If there is no one on base, Lee can and will rip a single "right back where it came from." Put a man on base or even worse in scoring position and you can go ahead and mark "ground out" on your scorecard. It was borderline infuriating when it was happening in late May. Now? Well, all I can say is I now own a pair of steel-toed boots should the opportunity arise.
Marquis continues to pitch well. Is he gonna get screwed again and be left off the playoff roster?
Timothy, Macon, GA
Timothy? That's just a little pretentious for Macon isn't it? Anyhoo, when you say "pitch well," I am assuming you mean 5 innings with 1 K, 3 BB and 5 earned? It's gonna be hard to leave those kind of numbers off the playoff roster. I hope we can manage. Fingers crossed.
Geo of MVP? Gammons even said so!
Mark, Highland Park, IL
Finally, someone not named Tim. Yeah, I read that blog post too. While I agree with Mr. Gammons that Soto's handling of this pitching staff has been amazing, I find it hard to beleive that you can be the NL MVP when you aren't even in the top 3 on YOUR OWN TEAM. Call me old fashion.
Speaking hypothetically, what would you put the Cubs odds at: a) making the playoffs, b) winning the NLCS and c) taking home the trophy?
Jinxy Von Jinxalot, Jinxville, USA
Wow. Let's see.
Making the Playoffs: 5 to 1
They have a 5.5 game lead on the Brewers, who lead the wild card. I'd say the chances of them crapping the bed and losing the division are still pretty high, but they'd have to go all '69 Cubs on us to not make the playoffs. Let's make it 6 to 1, actually.
Winning the NLCS: 10 to 1
Good news. Home field advantage. Bad news, Randy "Cub Impaler" Johnson. Now's the time to start rooting for the Dodgers. I'm not saying that we can't beat the combo of Webb, Haren and Johnson. It's just that the first one's gonna be a 22-ish game winner, the second is the better better of the "H" pitchers and the third, well the third has NEVER LOST to the Cubs. I am already losing sleep over this matchup...and that's just round one. Good times.
Taking Home the Trophy: 12 to 1
Here is where it gets interesting. If they make it past AZ and the Brewers, then all you have to do is beat the Angels. Yes, those Angels. The ones with FIVE double-digit winners in the starting rotation. And Vlad. And Teixeira. Pardon me while I go vomit.
Go Cubs.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Ladies and gentleman, your 2008 Atlanta Braves
That's a season sweep, fellas. Thanks for all the "purpose pitches." Stay classy, Atlanta.Go (mother f*%king) Cubs.
Lou Gave Me the Green Light.
When we started this little blog way back in April, we thought we would have all kinds of material for the season because, well, the Cubs usually end up screwing the pooch at some point. Fortunately for the team and unfortunately for the FOTG team, they have yet to even get to first base with the pooch, let alone screw it. As a fan, I am glad. As a blogger, that leaves up poop creek lacking any sort of device used to propel a boat through the water. So, I am forced to do what so many bloggers before me have done...steal a premise for a post. So with apologies to Martin, who stole this idea for HJE, who probably stole it from Len and Bob (I kid), here goes...
Mark DeRosa: Blogger, ND Groupie
MARK DEROSA: I'm going to interview Jeff Samardzija, who to me is by far the coolest guy on this team. What he's been able to accomplish in his career, none of these guys can hold a candle to it. To play in front of 110,000 in Ann Arbor, to play a game against USC -- I don't think Ted Lilly has ever done that.
OK. Coolest guy? Try again. He's went to Notre Dame, so that immediately negates any "coolness" factor. In my mind, coolness is Blanco's tats or Woody's secret miracle blister cure or your rugged good...un, never mind. Also, nice work throwing Ted Lilly under the bus for no reason. That's just mean-spirited.
JEFF SAMARDZIJA: He only likes me because my bobble head has given him a couple bombs, including a grand slam.
Wait, hold the phone. Samardzija has a bobble head doll already and my buddy Puma hasn't mentioned it yet? Seems unlikely. This is the same guy who carried on a two day conversation with me about how fast Samardzija throws, during which I never uttered a single word. I think he would have brought up the Samardzija bobble head doll at some point.
DEROSA: I'm going to say there's not a quarterback-wide receiver connection who can come close to what we're throwing out there.
Fine, I'm gonna say I agree because I don't feel like doing any research today.
OK, was it an easy decision to sign with baseball or did you lose some sleep over it?
Let's see...I could either choose the NFL and spend then next ten years trying to prevent 280-pound free safeties from removing my head from my torso...all without a guaranteed contract or I could sign with the Cubs for 10 million and throw a baseball every few days for the next 20 years. Yeah, that was a real brain teaser.
SAMARDZIJA: I don't lose any sleep over anything, but it was a hard decision. I had a premonition that my locker would be smashed in between Mark DeRosa, the good, and then the evil of Jason Marquis. It's a constant battle for me, but I knew that's where I wanted to be, so it wasn't too bad of a decision.
Jason Marquis is evil. That's a news flash.
DEROSA: Did you know I played quarterback [at Penn] when we first met?
Let it go, Mark. Just let it go.
SAMARDZIJA: I did find out the first Spring Training, someone told me about it, and said you had some skills. I'm guessing it was probably George [Castle]. I'm sure if anybody told me, it was George.
Who in the hell is George Castle? Now I have to use Google to follow this interview? Thanks a pant load.
DEROSA: Do you feel like in the Minor Leagues, you could've performed better if you were on a bigger stage? Were you bored with the Minor Leagues? And, I'm not disrespecting the Minor Leagues.
Hear that all you Minor Leaguers? DeRosa thinks you're boring. Sounds like someone needs a visit from Julio Castillo and his signature "pitch."
SAMARDZIJA: It wasn't the same, let's just say that, as playing in front of a lot of people and playing against better competition. I felt I was there for a reason to work on stuff, but I knew where I wanted to be.
DEROSA: So, not so much result.
Is that sarcasm?
SAMARDZIJA: Not so much result, as you can tell.
Yes. Yes it was. Two points for DeRo.
DEROSA: Are you able to go to dinner in the city of Chicago and lead a pretty normal life?
Is the "in the city of" really necessary here? Who is reading this that needs that clarification? "Oh, he means Chicago as in the city. Now I get it."
SAMARDZIJA: Are you able to go to dinner in Chicago and live a pretty normal life?
Who's asking the questions here, Jeff? Get your own blog and you can ask all the damn questions you want.
DEROSA: Yes, very much so. I'm a happily married man with a wife and child. I'm not single with long, flowing locks, who was an All-America at Notre Dame.
I'm getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Long, flowing locks? Really?
SAMARDZIJA: I think you're answering the question for me.
He is? What was the question again?
DEROSA: We've talked about throwing passes many times.
Apparently, we're moving on. Heaven forbid we get a straight answer from 'The Pulse' today.
SAMARDZIJA: We feel we're under a pretty tough radar here, throwing passes.
Ok, I'll be honest. I have no idea what you two are talking about at this point. I feel like the dorky kid in the hallway who is clueless to the fact that the jocks are making fun of him. I think I'm are one step away from one of them stuffing me in a locker.
DEROSA: I'm very impressed with how this guy has come up and been able to fit right in. The guy's got ice water in his veins and that's a direct reflection of playing football. It's something that shapes your life. People who've never played football don't understand the bond. You could tell by the play [Friday against St. Louis] in the ninth -- he gave me a huge chest bump when I made the barehanded bunt play. It was right out of catching a touchdown pass, but I was playing against Cornell and he was playing against USC.
OK, this "interview" is over! Come on! Where is your journalistic integrity for God's sake? I am pretty sure that at this point, DeRo is sitting on JS's lap running his fingers through his "long, flowing locks."
Go Cubs.
Mark DeRosa: Blogger, ND Groupie
I recently came across DeRo's blog for MLB "The Pulse." and in it he interviews my "moral dilemma*" Jeff Samardzija. I found the whole thing odd and a tad alarming, so I thought I'd add my own two cents to this piece of blogging history in the making.
MARK DEROSA: I'm going to interview Jeff Samardzija, who to me is by far the coolest guy on this team. What he's been able to accomplish in his career, none of these guys can hold a candle to it. To play in front of 110,000 in Ann Arbor, to play a game against USC -- I don't think Ted Lilly has ever done that.
OK. Coolest guy? Try again. He's went to Notre Dame, so that immediately negates any "coolness" factor. In my mind, coolness is Blanco's tats or Woody's secret miracle blister cure or your rugged good...un, never mind. Also, nice work throwing Ted Lilly under the bus for no reason. That's just mean-spirited.
JEFF SAMARDZIJA: He only likes me because my bobble head has given him a couple bombs, including a grand slam.
Wait, hold the phone. Samardzija has a bobble head doll already and my buddy Puma hasn't mentioned it yet? Seems unlikely. This is the same guy who carried on a two day conversation with me about how fast Samardzija throws, during which I never uttered a single word. I think he would have brought up the Samardzija bobble head doll at some point.
DEROSA: I'm going to say there's not a quarterback-wide receiver connection who can come close to what we're throwing out there.
Fine, I'm gonna say I agree because I don't feel like doing any research today.
OK, was it an easy decision to sign with baseball or did you lose some sleep over it?
Let's see...I could either choose the NFL and spend then next ten years trying to prevent 280-pound free safeties from removing my head from my torso...all without a guaranteed contract or I could sign with the Cubs for 10 million and throw a baseball every few days for the next 20 years. Yeah, that was a real brain teaser.
SAMARDZIJA: I don't lose any sleep over anything, but it was a hard decision. I had a premonition that my locker would be smashed in between Mark DeRosa, the good, and then the evil of Jason Marquis. It's a constant battle for me, but I knew that's where I wanted to be, so it wasn't too bad of a decision.
Jason Marquis is evil. That's a news flash.
DEROSA: Did you know I played quarterback [at Penn] when we first met?
Let it go, Mark. Just let it go.
SAMARDZIJA: I did find out the first Spring Training, someone told me about it, and said you had some skills. I'm guessing it was probably George [Castle]. I'm sure if anybody told me, it was George.
Who in the hell is George Castle? Now I have to use Google to follow this interview? Thanks a pant load.
DEROSA: Do you feel like in the Minor Leagues, you could've performed better if you were on a bigger stage? Were you bored with the Minor Leagues? And, I'm not disrespecting the Minor Leagues.
Hear that all you Minor Leaguers? DeRosa thinks you're boring. Sounds like someone needs a visit from Julio Castillo and his signature "pitch."
SAMARDZIJA: It wasn't the same, let's just say that, as playing in front of a lot of people and playing against better competition. I felt I was there for a reason to work on stuff, but I knew where I wanted to be.
DEROSA: So, not so much result.
Is that sarcasm?
SAMARDZIJA: Not so much result, as you can tell.
Yes. Yes it was. Two points for DeRo.
DEROSA: Are you able to go to dinner in the city of Chicago and lead a pretty normal life?
Is the "in the city of" really necessary here? Who is reading this that needs that clarification? "Oh, he means Chicago as in the city. Now I get it."
SAMARDZIJA: Are you able to go to dinner in Chicago and live a pretty normal life?
Who's asking the questions here, Jeff? Get your own blog and you can ask all the damn questions you want.
DEROSA: Yes, very much so. I'm a happily married man with a wife and child. I'm not single with long, flowing locks, who was an All-America at Notre Dame.
I'm getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Long, flowing locks? Really?
SAMARDZIJA: I think you're answering the question for me.
He is? What was the question again?
DEROSA: We've talked about throwing passes many times.
Apparently, we're moving on. Heaven forbid we get a straight answer from 'The Pulse' today.
SAMARDZIJA: We feel we're under a pretty tough radar here, throwing passes.
Ok, I'll be honest. I have no idea what you two are talking about at this point. I feel like the dorky kid in the hallway who is clueless to the fact that the jocks are making fun of him. I think I'm are one step away from one of them stuffing me in a locker.
DEROSA: I'm very impressed with how this guy has come up and been able to fit right in. The guy's got ice water in his veins and that's a direct reflection of playing football. It's something that shapes your life. People who've never played football don't understand the bond. You could tell by the play [Friday against St. Louis] in the ninth -- he gave me a huge chest bump when I made the barehanded bunt play. It was right out of catching a touchdown pass, but I was playing against Cornell and he was playing against USC.
OK, this "interview" is over! Come on! Where is your journalistic integrity for God's sake? I am pretty sure that at this point, DeRo is sitting on JS's lap running his fingers through his "long, flowing locks."
Go Cubs.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
10,000!
We did it!
We just went over 10,000 hits over here at FOTG. Thanks to everyone for continuing to read our random ramblings and occasional non-sucky posts. We appreciate it! Keep coming back and we promise to keep posting. Actually, we will post either way cuz we have no lives, but still....
Thanks again!
Go Cubs!
UPDATE: As my way of saying thanks, here is another pic of everyone's favorite sideline reporter.
Off Day Email Extravagaza: Evan Longoria Edition
Subject: JJ Putz Just Murdered My Fantasy Team, Let's Talk Cubs.
J dot:
All right Martin, let's get serious. I need to fixate on the Cubs so I don't consider eating a bullet after seeing Longoria is on the DL with a (expletive deleted) fractured wrist...
It's August 11th, the Cubs have the best record in the NL and a 3.5 game lead in the Central...yet I am not happy. In fact, I am far from happy. Why? Fukudome can't hit, Howry can't throw and the closer "Rambo" gets to 200 innings the less I sleep. Add that to the fact that there is still a good chance we get hit with another injury and/or Marmol starts throwing like it's June again and we (that's the royal 'we') are screwed. Am I insane? Wait, don't answer that. Just talk me off the ledge before I stick my head in the oven.
Yours Truly,
J dot the bitter.
Martin:
Wow. When did you get Chicken Little disease? You know that if an asteroid comes directly towards earth and we can't get Bruce Willis to give up his life so that Liv Tyler can bang Ben Affleck, we're all screwed, right?
You chose the day after the Cubs have won 6 of 7 against the two teams trailing them, a week after they made the Brewers look like Prince Fielder's All-Vegetarian Dump, and watched as Chris Carpenter's arm took one more step towards Dave Dravecky territory?
Let's see...you're worried about the #8 hitter, the 5th best reliever (out of six), and a non-existent injury.
Here are some things that are de-head-in-oven-ifying:
1) The combined records of the teams the Cubs play over the next 15 games is 58 games under .500.
2) According to ESPN, the Cubs' likelihood of making the playoffs is 95%, second only to the Angels, who play in a godawaful division.
Is there anything remotely significant that you can cite as to why are actually worried?. Extra points for not mentioning the words "100 years," "Bartman," or "Goats."
Glass Surprisingly Half-Fullingly,
-m
J dot:
First of all, "godawaful"?
Second. I am not this lady.
I just think that there are some issues with this team that even you can admit exist. First and foremost, I think Alan Trammel is on steroids. He has obviously gone up three hat sizes since the season started. That needs to be addressed...soon. Also, 70's Night was basically rained out. People spent a lot of money at various thrift stores to look like morons on TV. They deserve their time to shine.
Not So Sincerely,
J dot
Martin:
Yes, "godawaful." I decided to write it phonetically so that the Cardinals' fans can read it in their native language.
Now, on to your new questions, which of course are much more concerning than the first set.
I totally agree about Trammel. Someone needs to do something. Are you listening, Congress?
As far as the rainout, I think they can have another 70s night because most of the goons who dressed up thought that tie-dyed shirts and hippies were cool in the 70s. Or maybe they can just have an 80s night so people can get out their leisure suits and disco records. Dumbasses.
Ok, I will admit there are some things that are moderately concerning.
Is Jim Edmonds going to get assassinated by some minion of Elias Coblentz?
Will Alexis Marshall make it back into the booth to promote some charity Cubs-wives' activity? Why was our GM dumb enough to draft a guy with a bad back in the first round?
Wait...scratch that last one. Wrong team.
I think there is very little to worry about with this team, at least as far as the regular season goes. Who knows what can happen after that, but I need to actually enjoy the ride for once. God knows its probably never happening again, regardless of what's on the t-shirts that the douchebag who charged Randy Myers made.
J dot:
Cardinal Fans?
I don't think we have Cardinal fan readers of this blog, but in the off chance that we do...
BATTING THE PITCHER 8TH IS F&%KING DUMB. There I said it. I don't care what that blowhole Joe Morgan says (I think that goes without saying). You're telling me that you would rather have Carpenter batting with a runner in scoring position than say Izturis? Wait. Don't answer that. Better question. Why is Izturis batting 9th? He's not gonna get on. If you firmly believe in this BS about "getting guys on in front of Albert," then maybe think about putting an ACTUAL HITTER IN THE 9 HOLE! Idiot.
Whew. I feel better.
Also, I have no idea who Elias Coblentz is. Just wanted to get in front of that one.
J (to the) dot
Martin:
Of course you know Elias. Maybe you just call him ECob, though. He's this winner:
Wait, you don't like Joe Morgan? What's wrong with Joe Morgan? He was almost accurate last night when he remarked that the Cardinals were only one run away from being "in grand slam range" when they were down 6-0 last night. That's impressively close to being right on the whole counting thing.
As far as the hitting the pitcher eighth thing, what else should Tony LaRussa do? He needs to make sure that he is constantly and ridiculously over-managing so that stupid sportscasters want to deadhorse him when he passes out at the next stoplight. Double switches can only go so far. The guy is known as TLR (LRLRLRLRLRLRLRLR) for a reason.
-m
J dot:
Getting off Tony for a second, cuz I just got off yours...wait, that's not how that joke goes is it? I was just informed by Mrs. J dot that Men's Synchronized Diving is an actual Olympic event. How did that happen?
Martin:
I think it happened when Men's Synchronized Swimming got canned.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Inside the Head of...Ryan Theriot
Okay, so I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off on Ryan Theriot this year. My bad. Throughout this year, he’s managed to earn my grudging respect (a feat that rates roughly as significant as being able to cross the monkey bars).
But now he’s managed to blow all that goodwill in a matter of two pages on the chicagosports.com website by filling in for Paul Sullivan in the “ask Paul” section. First of all, the only thing that people should ever do for Paul Sullivan is not steal his Lucky Charms. More importantly, however, is the fact that he put together some pretty boring answers, even for a baseball player. So, in an effort to get back on the Theriot bandwagon, I’m going to supply what should have been the answers to this mailbag and pretend that’s what he actually wrote.
So, on to the questions…
Ryan, Who was the first person to call you "The Riot"? I think it's fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. -- Patrick Blaney, Johnsburg
I’m sure that by “everyone,” you mean the guy living across the trailer park from you who totally predicted that Corey Patterson would suck and stuff. And why would it be “fitting?” Do you understand what “fitting” actually means and how to apply it to a situation? Or are you the actual writer of this song?
As far as rioting after we win the World Series, as long as half the rioters are wearing this shirt, and the other half are wearing this shirt, and they manage to kill each other off during the riot, I’m happy.
Ryan, How do you feel about being known as 'The Riot'? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you're one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? -- John M., Silver Spring, Md.
Who the hell is editing this? I know the Tribune Corporation is in danger of getting bought out by my neighbors’ lemonade stand, but Jesus, it’s the same damn question. I can’t wait until Mark Cuban buys this team and I don’t have to do promo shit like this.
How would you rate the infield playing surface at Wrigley compared to other parks? Would you welcome a new stadium? -- Dion, Chicago via Cincinnati
Apparently, you didn’t read the 800,000 articles about the resurfacing of the entire field this winter. You realize that you can have a new playing field without building an entire new stadium around it, right? Finally, if you’re dumb enough to think, in an article read by Cubs fans in a publication owned by the same corporation that is trying to sell the Cubs, that I would write anything other than “Wrigley Field is the greatest architectural achievement since the A Frame and may actually make me a better player as well as a human being,” then you belong in that postseason riot I just mentioned.
Okay…the next three questions are boring. I’m not going to answer them. Moving on…
Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? -- Brian Berns, Springfield
Wow, impressive question. You got a chance to ask a major league baseball player one thing, and you pick one from “The Big Book of Questions.” Very impressive.
My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school's hockey team. I couldn't imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? -- KC Madock, Oak Park
Is there a reason you put the words “pocket rocket” in that question? Did you feel like you had to be more specific because I might think it was the other Mike Fontenot who I played with for the last eight years? Here’s your answer: Mike Fontenot hates having a nickname that doubles as a name of a vibrator. Stop calling him that.
Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago
Lou Piniella is being fellated by Fukudome’s interpreter during his post game interviews. That’s why he takes so long to answer questions. Happy?
Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? -- Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla.
See answer to “What game stands out the most.”
What would you be doing for a living if you weren't in baseball? -- Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, Manitoba
I’m going to kill my agent for agreeing to this.
Ryan - Some players wear their socks high, and some wear their pants long. If a player decides to switch, do they order shorter pants? Or do they just take their normal pants and somehow scrunch them up? And do players that wear long pants still wear high socks even if you can't see them? Thanks and keep playing hard! -- Kristin Bush, Lansing
I really wanted to tear into this question, but its so utterly inane and embarrassingly stupid that I’m afraid I’ll be making fun of a person who got hit by a bus and has some sort of debilitating brain damage.
Still…remind me to never, ever go to Lansing.
Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago
It is exactly 61.8765% trying to go to the opposite field and 38.1235% taking what the pitchers give me.
Ryan -- I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! -- Wes, Savannah, Ga
Your cat’s name gets misread at the vet? Thanks for specifying. I was under the impression that the maitre d’ at Topolobampo was just doing it to mess with you two when you shared your thrice yearly romantic dinners. Is it weird or flattering? What the fuck do you think?
Well, that’s it for the questions. I’d say “thanks for writing in,” but I’m pretty sure most people who made it through would have to get their domestic care nurse to help them read the big words. I’ll let Sullivan deal with this garbage from now on. I’m going to go punch the Cubs’ publicist in the nuts.
But now he’s managed to blow all that goodwill in a matter of two pages on the chicagosports.com website by filling in for Paul Sullivan in the “ask Paul” section. First of all, the only thing that people should ever do for Paul Sullivan is not steal his Lucky Charms. More importantly, however, is the fact that he put together some pretty boring answers, even for a baseball player. So, in an effort to get back on the Theriot bandwagon, I’m going to supply what should have been the answers to this mailbag and pretend that’s what he actually wrote.
So, on to the questions…
Ryan, Who was the first person to call you "The Riot"? I think it's fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. -- Patrick Blaney, Johnsburg
I’m sure that by “everyone,” you mean the guy living across the trailer park from you who totally predicted that Corey Patterson would suck and stuff. And why would it be “fitting?” Do you understand what “fitting” actually means and how to apply it to a situation? Or are you the actual writer of this song?
As far as rioting after we win the World Series, as long as half the rioters are wearing this shirt, and the other half are wearing this shirt, and they manage to kill each other off during the riot, I’m happy.
Ryan, How do you feel about being known as 'The Riot'? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you're one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? -- John M., Silver Spring, Md.
Who the hell is editing this? I know the Tribune Corporation is in danger of getting bought out by my neighbors’ lemonade stand, but Jesus, it’s the same damn question. I can’t wait until Mark Cuban buys this team and I don’t have to do promo shit like this.
How would you rate the infield playing surface at Wrigley compared to other parks? Would you welcome a new stadium? -- Dion, Chicago via Cincinnati
Apparently, you didn’t read the 800,000 articles about the resurfacing of the entire field this winter. You realize that you can have a new playing field without building an entire new stadium around it, right? Finally, if you’re dumb enough to think, in an article read by Cubs fans in a publication owned by the same corporation that is trying to sell the Cubs, that I would write anything other than “Wrigley Field is the greatest architectural achievement since the A Frame and may actually make me a better player as well as a human being,” then you belong in that postseason riot I just mentioned.
Okay…the next three questions are boring. I’m not going to answer them. Moving on…
Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? -- Brian Berns, Springfield
Wow, impressive question. You got a chance to ask a major league baseball player one thing, and you pick one from “The Big Book of Questions.” Very impressive.
My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school's hockey team. I couldn't imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? -- KC Madock, Oak Park
Is there a reason you put the words “pocket rocket” in that question? Did you feel like you had to be more specific because I might think it was the other Mike Fontenot who I played with for the last eight years? Here’s your answer: Mike Fontenot hates having a nickname that doubles as a name of a vibrator. Stop calling him that.
Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago
Lou Piniella is being fellated by Fukudome’s interpreter during his post game interviews. That’s why he takes so long to answer questions. Happy?
Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? -- Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla.
See answer to “What game stands out the most.”
What would you be doing for a living if you weren't in baseball? -- Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, Manitoba
I’m going to kill my agent for agreeing to this.
Ryan - Some players wear their socks high, and some wear their pants long. If a player decides to switch, do they order shorter pants? Or do they just take their normal pants and somehow scrunch them up? And do players that wear long pants still wear high socks even if you can't see them? Thanks and keep playing hard! -- Kristin Bush, Lansing
I really wanted to tear into this question, but its so utterly inane and embarrassingly stupid that I’m afraid I’ll be making fun of a person who got hit by a bus and has some sort of debilitating brain damage.
Still…remind me to never, ever go to Lansing.
Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago
It is exactly 61.8765% trying to go to the opposite field and 38.1235% taking what the pitchers give me.
Ryan -- I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! -- Wes, Savannah, Ga
Your cat’s name gets misread at the vet? Thanks for specifying. I was under the impression that the maitre d’ at Topolobampo was just doing it to mess with you two when you shared your thrice yearly romantic dinners. Is it weird or flattering? What the fuck do you think?
Well, that’s it for the questions. I’d say “thanks for writing in,” but I’m pretty sure most people who made it through would have to get their domestic care nurse to help them read the big words. I’ll let Sullivan deal with this garbage from now on. I’m going to go punch the Cubs’ publicist in the nuts.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
If I Keep Saying "Erin Andrews," Then Maybe More People Will Want to Interview Me
Writer's Note: I have had to deal with the stunning incompetence of Com Ed customer service over the last two days as my power was knocked out by Monday's lightning storm/tornado/mini apocalypse, so needless to say, this post is going to be full of sunshine...
In a news cycle that is truly 24 hours a day, this story is like 5,000 years old, but I don't care.
As I was driving home last night, I heard that douche Mike Nadel on the radio defending what he wrote about Erin Andrews last week, i.e. “my blatant attempt to latch on to someone else's fame and hopefully get myself a job outside of a dying media.” I originally didn't care about this story because (a.) there really is no reason to lust after sideline reporters (at least not when there are movies like this and this and websites like...well...its probably better that I don't link to that one), and (b.) the original article just seemed a little, well, sad. Frumpy old reporter gets trumped for stories by good looking young reporter and writes bitter article. Time to move on.
But now this guy is milking the hell out of this story (this was at least the THIRD time I had heard him on either radio or television in the last week) and, frankly, annoying the crap out of me. I just listened to him make two utterly ridiculous arguments:
1.What she was wearing was “unprofessional...you wouldn't see you professionals in sales go to meetings like that.” Well, Mike, you also wouldn't see professionals in sales go to work in Hawaiian shirts, shorts, black socks and 10 year-old Birkenstocks, but that doesn't stop most of the slobs in the press box from donning that “professional outfit” on a nightly basis.
2.“She was trying way to hard to be friends with the players, calling Aramis Ramirez 'Rammie,” and touching Alfonso Soriano's arm suggestively.” First of all, given the massive picture of Mr. Nadel's bulbous head next to the article, I'm guessing that his abilit yto judge when a woman is being “suggestive” is clouded by the fact that he assumed all the girls in the Victoria's Secret catalogues he stole from his sister were looking at him “suggestively.” He's probably not the best arbiter of womens' interest. More importantly, though-”Real” reporters would never attempt to curry favor from their intended interviewees by attempting to befriend them, would they? I've never heard the pack of braying morons overlaugh at some awful non-joke Lou Piniella made in his post game press conference in a blatant attempt to hang out with the cool kids at the bar after the game. That never happens.
The overall point this guy wants to make is that Erin Andrews violated these important professional standards that might jeopardize her ability to ask serious questions of the players she has befriended. There is a simple answer to this point: she is a sports reporter. There are no such things as “serious questions.” When are sportswriters going to realize that they're a press pass away from being idiots like us? When the “serious questions” you have to ask rarely go beyond why a grown man didn't use the 34 ounce stick in his hand to hit a ball thrown by another man into the right place on a field, you need to realize that nothing you will ever do will be considered “serious.” If you want to comment on the ramifications of a journalist's clothing on their pursuit of significant stories, find a field that doesn't devote the equivalent of 2 full days per week to whether or not Brett Favre will play football this year. Mr. Nadel needs to know his position, and the position of his field, in the grand scheme of things. There was literally no reason to write an article about the Cubs-Brewers game trashing a fellow sports-personality. After all, that's why there are 800,000,000 blogs just like this one...its our job.
All in all, this attempt to cash in on his 15 minutes of fame has shown this Nadel guy to be everything Jay Mariotti claimed he was: “crusty and out of touch.” And this might be the worst of all the things Nadel's stupid column and world radio interview tour has done: it made me actually agree with Jay Mariotti. For that, he'll never be forgiven.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Backe's Mother Upset With Manager. Orange Slice Boycott to Follow?
Chicago--After seeing the Astros get the final out in a brutal bottom half of the 3rd at Wrigley Field on Wednesday, Brandon Backe's mom thought the nightmare was finally over. But when she saw her son in the on-deck circle for the top of the 4th she lost it.
"I know that I probably don't know half as much his manager, but that just seemed mean," she said in a phone interview with FOTG late Wednesday. "Call it a mother's intuition, but I think Brandy didn't want to be in that game anymore."
She may have been right. After giving up a single to Theriot between two pop outs by Soriano and Lee, "Brandy" seemed to suddenly lose control. Back to back walks for Ramirez and Edmonds loaded the bases with the "hottie" Mark DeRosa coming to the plate.
"When he got that tall gentleman to hit the ball in the air to one of his guys out there in the grass, I finally took a breath," she remembered. "I even put down his teddy bear, Wendy, that he always cuddled with whenever he wet the bed."
Unfortunately, even the luck of the Brandon's bed-wetting companion couldn't keep DeRosa's ball from reaching the seats and giving the Cubs a 5-4 lead. Then, after a double by Fukedome and an intentional walk to Soto, all that stood between Backe and the dugout was opposing pitcher Jason Marquis.
"When the man on the TV told me that the man holding the bat in front of that man who crouches was the 'pitcher,' I knew that was trouble," she said. "See, even though my Brandy is a 'thrower,' he likes to do all that hitting and running and sliding...let me tell you, if I had a nickel for ever stitch I had put in that boy's ripped britches over the years...well, anyways, I was afraid this boy holding the bat on the TV in front of the man who crouches liked to do all that hitting and running and sliding too."
Mamma Backe's concerns turned out to be valid as Marquis doubled off the wall scoring Fukudome. Things only got worse when Soriano, batting for the second time that inning, homered to left. Thankfully (in one mother's opinion), the inning finally came to an end when Theriot grounded out.
"When he got that short fella to hit the ball to him I was so relieved," she said. "Brandy has had some trouble on occasion when he's throwing...I was just happy that it was finally over."
But to her dismay it was not. After a promising start to the top of the 4th, the Astros had two on with only one out and the obviously shell-shocked Backe due up. He eventually struck out swinging.
"That is the part that gets me hotter than a whore in church," Backe's mom laments. "I mean, I know he likes the hitting, but he had given up all them runs when he was throwing and they were fixing to have a chance to have some of their own players touch that plate in front of where that man crouches...so why make Brandy hit?"
After leaving the bases loaded, Astros Manager Cecil Cooper sent Backe back out for the bottom of the 4th.
"After the third inning we just said 'we need you to stay in as long as you can go," Cooper said. "He did the best he could under the circumstances."
Backe's mother disagrees.
"I just couldn't believe he sent Brandy back out there," she said.
It turned out to be a bad idea as Backe surrendered another two runs after which he was mercifully removed from the game.
Despite both the decision to keep Backe in the game for 100 pitches (99) and his final numbers on the day (13 batters faced, six hits, five walks, eleven runs, two doubles, a grand slam and a three-run home run) Backe's mom remains optimistic,
"When he called I told him, 'Sugar, it can't go much worse than that."
True.
Go Cubs.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Reason #4,657 Why I Need MLB Extra Innings: Grumpy Old Announcers
Found this over on Bestweekever.tv. Priceless.
The following video sums up what it’s like to be a Pirates fan in the month of August in three short, simple words. And those words are “no,” “NO,” and “NOOOOOO!!!!”
Go Cubs.
The following video sums up what it’s like to be a Pirates fan in the month of August in three short, simple words. And those words are “no,” “NO,” and “NOOOOOO!!!!”
Go Cubs.
Monday, August 4, 2008
"Just don't bounce the damn ball...nice throw, d##khead."
As I rode the pines the past few weeks, I started looking back through some old posts of mine and I noticed that there was a common theme. I am an idiot. It seems that when it came to predictions or opinions about this team and its players, accuracy was never my strong suit. Since I never claimed to be anything but a moron, this shouldn't come as a surprise. That being said, even I was a little stunned by the level of idiocy I brought to this blog at times. So let's take a stroll together down memory lane while I reexamine four of my more memorable, er, errors in judgement. It's nothing if not awe-inspiring.1) Jim Edmonds
What I said:
May 12th, 2008
40. Nothing ruins a good start to the season faster than these two words: Jim Edmonds.
Ok. I'm not proud of this one, but come on! We are talking about JIM EDMONDS. When I wrote that, there was only one Cardinal in the history of baseball I hated more (you know who you are, Fernando). He was 37 years old and was just CUT by a major league baseball team. Not demoted. Cut. There are no good signs there. Just red flags.
What I said:
May 14th, 2008
Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
We were wondering if you could find time today to pay a quick visit to Jim "Where's the Buffet?" Hendry for us and try to convince him to reconsider signing Jim Edmonds when he clears waivers this afternoon. We know you have bigger problems, but we just hate him SO much and none of us sane folk want to see him in a Cubs uniform or worse (gagging) root for that washed up SOB for the next 4 months. PS. Also, if you could remove one of Edmonds patella tendons while you're at it, that would be super.
I actually gagged when I reread that. Man, I HATED Jimbo. That wasn't healthy at all. But let's all remember, I technically hadn't said anything WRONG at this point. I DID hate Jim Edmonds. It was a fact. Just wanted to point that out in case you were keeping score.
What I said:
May 20th, 2008
In Jim "Do You Sell Pants With Elastic Waistband?" Hendry's infinite wisdom, the Cubs realized coming out of spring training that Felix Pie wasn't the answer, so they got Reed Johnson to platoon with him. After it seemed apparent that Reed Johnson wasn't the answer, they sent the "can't miss" kid to the minors and signed asshat poster boy Jim Edmonds.
Here are the stats for the 'asshat poster boy" since joining the Cubs:
BA .277, 12 HR. 36 RBI and 26 Runs in 53 games.
Oops. Needless to say I was dead wrong and the Cubs are a better team with him in the lineup. Even better is the fact that the bargain basement signing of Jimbo kept us from having to panic and give away 2 prospects for an equally old player who can't even play center anymore. Not naming names. Just facts.
2) Ryan Theriot
What I said:
April 1, 2008
Cubs Sent Theriot to the Reds
From an AP article late today: In a surprising move, the Cubs sent fan favorite Ryan Stewart Theriot to the Reds this afternoon for a player to be named later. In what may go down as the quickest hook in the history of MLB, the Cubs seemed to be washing their hands of the underachieving SS after an 0-5 performance on Monday's season opener. When reached for comment, Jim Hendry said,
"To be honest, we were hoping they would send us a bag of baseballs for Ryan...not new, mind you, but at least a full bag. When they agreed to a player to be named later, we were very pleased. Our only provision was that this "player-to-be-named" was NOT Corey Patterson." It is unclear at this point who the Cubs will be able to find to replace Theriot's .000 BA, but a source close to the organization said, "Listen, I'm a 60-year-0ld lifetime smoker who has had two hip-replacement surgeries, a triple bypass AND I am blind in one eye, but I GUARANTEE I could get on base more than (expletive deleted)."
April Fool's or wishful thinking? A little bit of both, I guess.
Actually it was neither. Not only was I piling on The Riot after the FIRST GAME OF THE YEAR, I also wasn't very funny. All Theriot has done this year is hit. He's 6th in the LEAGUE in BA and 10th in OBS. I know most of my hatred was based on his terrible down the stretch numbers in 2007 where he went something like 2 for his last 242 (that's guesstimate...he could have been 3 for 242 for all I know), but I think I should have at least waited for a somewhat larger sample size before banishing him to the Land of Dusty. My bad.
3) DP-Lee
What I said:
April 21st, 2008
D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.
Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far.
I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters. Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.This one is less funny since the numbers actually are going the other way. After that amazing start, he has hit just 10 HR and his batting average has dropped like a rock to .289. Yikes. Even worse is the fact that as of Sunday, DP-Lee leads MLB in the dreaded GIDP category. He also leads all Cubs in 2 important categories:
1) Most ABs resulting in remotes being turned into projectiles.
2) Most games with 0 hits when team scores 10+ runs.
He is also the current owner of the "Guy That Is Killing My Fantasy Team Trophy," which he ripped out the hands of Furcal about 3 months ago. Thanks Derrek. Thanks a heap.
4) Ryan Dempster
What I said:
March 4th, 2008
I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but after the big two (Z and Lilly) there is a lot to be desired about this group of pitchers (and I'm not even going to start on Rich Hill). Am I supposed to believe that I can expect 10+ wins each from a starter/closer/budding stand-up comedian? Really? I shouldn't be worried?
Let's take a gander at the stats, shall we...
I'm an idiot.
Go Cubs.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Schadenfreude Sunday
The most common and overused argument stupid people make when attempting to creatively make fun of the Cubs or their fans usually involves the words "1908" or "Bartman." And while its true that the Cubs have pretty much blown for the last 100 years, the Cubs (at least in the last 30-40 years or so) have pretty regularly had at least one or two players per generation that provided really solid entertainment.
This is emphasized in the ESPN ratings grab known as "Baseball Tonight's All-Time Franchise Players." Its roughly the entertainment equivalent of "Who's Now" or "Titletown, U.S.A."; however, it provides an interesting comparison for those fans (especially Brewers fans) who want to stupidly criticize the Cubs for their 100 years of futility.
Let's take a look at the Cubs' list:
Cap Anson
Ernie Banks
Mordecai Brown
Mark Grace
Gabby Hartnett
Ferguson Jenkins
Ryne Sandberg
Ron Santo
Sammy Sosa
Billy Williams
Out of a list of 10 players, that's 7 Hall of Famers, 2 likely Hall of Famers (Santo and Sosa), and one guy in the Honorary Wrigleyville Ass-Getting Hall of Fame* (Grace). Not too bad...not to mention guys like Andre Dawson and Hack Wilson didn't even make the list.
NOW...
for fun...
let's compare that with the list of the team whose fans talked a whole lot of shit leading up to this week, the Milwaukee Brewers:
Mike Caldwell
Cecil Cooper
Jim Gantner
Teddy Higuera
Geoff Jenkins
Paul Molitor
Ben Ogilve
Dan Plesac
Gorman Thomas
Robin Yount
Okay, now that's one...two hall of famers, about six middle of the road offensive players, and Dan Plesac. Dan Mother F'n Plesac. A guy who, while he was a closer for a little over half his Brewers' career, was a middle reliever for the majority of his baseball career.
Let me write that again: In the entire Brewers' history, there weren't ten players better than a middle reliever.
Of the other players on the list, I don't think anything needs to be said about Teddy Higuera or Geoff Jenkins. My only question regarding these guys is how the hell did Jeromy Burnitz not make the list? And how sad is that last question?
So for all the crap Cubs fans have had to put up with over the last 100 years of bad teams, at least we can take a little solace in the number of truly great players that have come through town. And the team whose ass the Cubs kicked this week has Geoff Jenkins.
Ahh...screw that. We've sucked. For a long time. But other teams have sucked worse.
*Still Under Construction
This is emphasized in the ESPN ratings grab known as "Baseball Tonight's All-Time Franchise Players." Its roughly the entertainment equivalent of "Who's Now" or "Titletown, U.S.A."; however, it provides an interesting comparison for those fans (especially Brewers fans) who want to stupidly criticize the Cubs for their 100 years of futility.
Let's take a look at the Cubs' list:
Cap Anson
Ernie Banks
Mordecai Brown
Mark Grace
Gabby Hartnett
Ferguson Jenkins
Ryne Sandberg
Ron Santo
Sammy Sosa
Billy Williams
Out of a list of 10 players, that's 7 Hall of Famers, 2 likely Hall of Famers (Santo and Sosa), and one guy in the Honorary Wrigleyville Ass-Getting Hall of Fame* (Grace). Not too bad...not to mention guys like Andre Dawson and Hack Wilson didn't even make the list.
NOW...
for fun...
let's compare that with the list of the team whose fans talked a whole lot of shit leading up to this week, the Milwaukee Brewers:
Mike Caldwell
Cecil Cooper
Jim Gantner
Teddy Higuera
Geoff Jenkins
Paul Molitor
Ben Ogilve
Dan Plesac
Gorman Thomas
Robin Yount
Okay, now that's one...two hall of famers, about six middle of the road offensive players, and Dan Plesac. Dan Mother F'n Plesac. A guy who, while he was a closer for a little over half his Brewers' career, was a middle reliever for the majority of his baseball career.
Let me write that again: In the entire Brewers' history, there weren't ten players better than a middle reliever.
Of the other players on the list, I don't think anything needs to be said about Teddy Higuera or Geoff Jenkins. My only question regarding these guys is how the hell did Jeromy Burnitz not make the list? And how sad is that last question?
So for all the crap Cubs fans have had to put up with over the last 100 years of bad teams, at least we can take a little solace in the number of truly great players that have come through town. And the team whose ass the Cubs kicked this week has Geoff Jenkins.
Ahh...screw that. We've sucked. For a long time. But other teams have sucked worse.
*Still Under Construction
Friday, August 1, 2008
"The Team is Doing Well? That's Okay, I'll Find Something to Hate."
It would be un-sportswriter like to actually celebrate the home teams for any length of time. There’s a gene inside all sportswriters that kicks in about 5 years into the job that makes them (a.) loathe their job, and (b.) loathe sports in general. But instead of leaving their jobs and making way for people who will actually, you know, write things that people want to read, most sportswriters enter bitter cycles in which they cannot go more than a few days without resorting to writing something negative. If the home teams don’t give them something negative to write, then they’re forced to make tangential connections and use anecdotal evidence to make some ridiculous point that pretty much no fans of the team even care about.
Enter Mike Downey.
I’m not sure how long Downey’s been back in Chicago. I know he took over at the Trib when the guy from Boston wet the bed, got homesick, and moved back to the East Coast after three columns. Since then, Downey’s rarely written anything that could be described as “relevant,” “interesting,” or “publishable.” But since the Tribune’s stock tanked faster than New Coke, he has kept his job. Apparently, someone has informed him that he needs to be “edgier” or something, because he managed to pull a Mariottibloom yesterday. Let me set the stage:
The Cubs were on the verge of a sweep. They were about to hit their high water mark on the season (21 games over .500). So naturally, a column analyzing the way they have managed to find offense and re-establish themselves as the team to beat in the National League is appropriate, right? Of course not.
Apparently, there have been two (gasp! That’s more than one!) incidents in which Cubs fans (or at least people who apparently have no other distinguishing characteristics) have beaten people up. The first was in the Northwest suburbs and should have been newsworthy for a single reason: it was at a Sesame Street themed birthday party. After discussing the historical relevance of Mr. Hooper (RIP)*, three men got in a fight. Two were Cubs fans, one a Sox fan. One ended up in the hospital. The other incident involved what appeared to be a jawing match after the game, which escalated to someone throwing something (either a beer can, Red Bull can, or-and I hope this one was the actual item for so many reasons-a bag of trash) at the other fans’ bus. Fight ensues. Guy injured. Douchebags arrested. Life goes on.
For rational people, this would simply be a case of two incidents, involving a total of four fans (out of a Cubs’ fanbase of about eleventy billion), that just happened to be within the same week. Coincidence, nothing more. Most likely, had they not been Cubs fans, they would have gone off in an argument about whether or not Snuffleupagus is imaginary.
But to sportswriters who are paid to hate everything, this was A DISTURBING TREND OF VIOLENCE AMONG A RABID FANBASE.
From the beginning of the column and through a detailed analysis of every horrible atrocity committed by Cubs fans throughout the last 100 years (all six of them), Downey basically demands a Surge to deal with this rabid underground terrorist organization. In an effort to crap on anything and everything that might be enjoyed, there isn’t a single mention of anything related to the things they are supposed to be covering, i.e. the goddamn game. The only positive to this whole experience was a reminder to stop reading hacky columns by irrelevant sportswriters.
On a larger note, however, this ridiculous obsession sportswriters have with overcompensating due to the fact that they aren’t writing about “real” news is one of the most annoying things in journalism today. Just get over it and stick to the games. Let’s just make this simple: you write about the players and the game and we’ll read it, comment on it, and generally have a good time making fun of you. Leave the hard-hitting, moral outrage stories to real journalists like the guy from “To Catch a Predator.” Now there’s a badass.
*may not have actually happened.
Enter Mike Downey.
I’m not sure how long Downey’s been back in Chicago. I know he took over at the Trib when the guy from Boston wet the bed, got homesick, and moved back to the East Coast after three columns. Since then, Downey’s rarely written anything that could be described as “relevant,” “interesting,” or “publishable.” But since the Tribune’s stock tanked faster than New Coke, he has kept his job. Apparently, someone has informed him that he needs to be “edgier” or something, because he managed to pull a Mariottibloom yesterday. Let me set the stage:
The Cubs were on the verge of a sweep. They were about to hit their high water mark on the season (21 games over .500). So naturally, a column analyzing the way they have managed to find offense and re-establish themselves as the team to beat in the National League is appropriate, right? Of course not.
Apparently, there have been two (gasp! That’s more than one!) incidents in which Cubs fans (or at least people who apparently have no other distinguishing characteristics) have beaten people up. The first was in the Northwest suburbs and should have been newsworthy for a single reason: it was at a Sesame Street themed birthday party. After discussing the historical relevance of Mr. Hooper (RIP)*, three men got in a fight. Two were Cubs fans, one a Sox fan. One ended up in the hospital. The other incident involved what appeared to be a jawing match after the game, which escalated to someone throwing something (either a beer can, Red Bull can, or-and I hope this one was the actual item for so many reasons-a bag of trash) at the other fans’ bus. Fight ensues. Guy injured. Douchebags arrested. Life goes on.
For rational people, this would simply be a case of two incidents, involving a total of four fans (out of a Cubs’ fanbase of about eleventy billion), that just happened to be within the same week. Coincidence, nothing more. Most likely, had they not been Cubs fans, they would have gone off in an argument about whether or not Snuffleupagus is imaginary.
But to sportswriters who are paid to hate everything, this was A DISTURBING TREND OF VIOLENCE AMONG A RABID FANBASE.
From the beginning of the column and through a detailed analysis of every horrible atrocity committed by Cubs fans throughout the last 100 years (all six of them), Downey basically demands a Surge to deal with this rabid underground terrorist organization. In an effort to crap on anything and everything that might be enjoyed, there isn’t a single mention of anything related to the things they are supposed to be covering, i.e. the goddamn game. The only positive to this whole experience was a reminder to stop reading hacky columns by irrelevant sportswriters.
On a larger note, however, this ridiculous obsession sportswriters have with overcompensating due to the fact that they aren’t writing about “real” news is one of the most annoying things in journalism today. Just get over it and stick to the games. Let’s just make this simple: you write about the players and the game and we’ll read it, comment on it, and generally have a good time making fun of you. Leave the hard-hitting, moral outrage stories to real journalists like the guy from “To Catch a Predator.” Now there’s a badass.
*may not have actually happened.
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