Weekend Roundup

A few notes from the weekend. Keeping it short, because, like the rest of the Cubs fans, I'm busy finding the tallest building I can jump off.

Aramis Ramirez will be out three games for "family matters." Damn you, Urkel.

A quick rundown on the players either injured and/or missing time on the team in the last 20 days:
Soriano
Zambrano
Johnson
Edmonds
Theriot
Ward
Ramirez
Fukudome
Eyre

In case you're having a hard time with the whole counting thing, that's 9 players on the 25 man roster. Its been a fun few weeks.

"Hey, let's leak some stories about how Rich Hill is 'improving' and maybe someone will take him off our hands."

Minor league umps, minor league calls.

Zambrano is apparently ready to go. Then again, if he was standing in front of you with his own severed right arm in his hands, he'd tell you he's ready to go.

Hopefully, the week of suck is over. Cubs are 4-8 in their last 12. In the words of Harry Doyle, "I guess we should be glad that at least nobody spiked themselves."

Bronx or Bust! Part 2

With today's game seemingly out of reach (currently 11-0 in the 6th), I thought now would be the perfect time to continue our countdown of the Cubs players that most deserve a spot in the All-Star Game.

NOTE: With Micah no longer with the club and the arrival of the two-headed monster, I felt that the list needed revising.

#22 a) Mathew Murton 19 | OF
Pros: HE RIDES A UNICORN FOR GOD'S SAKE! You need more than that? Tough crowd. Ok, let’s go with his “brick-sized” thighs.
Cons: Off the top of my head…I’d have to go with the fact that he has no power and very little glove and he plays a position that requires you to have power and a glove. Other than that he’s great.
In or Out? OUT. Maybe, if they ever have an ASG just for red heads, he would…ah, who am I kidding, he wouldn’t even make that team.

#22 b) Eric Patterson 4 | OF
Pros: He is, in fact, left-handed. Can’t argue with that one.
Cons: He’s only known for two things. Speed and Defense. That being said, he frequently muffs the ball in left and then 3-hops the cutoff man. But man can he run!
In or Out? Out. He’s not even as good as his brother, which is sad on so many levels.

19-16 The “Fontenot is Still in the Majors?” Division

#19 Michael Eugene Fontenot 17 | 2B
Pros: Comic Relief? Not only is he “fit in Lee’s pocket” tiny, he also does that adorable thing where he pretends to get hit into the ground by Zambrano. That’s got to be worth something, right?
Cons: He has no other discernible talents. Seriously. Try to think of one. I’ll wait.
In or Out? Out. That is until they start honoring guys who strikeout with the bases loaded repeatedly. When that day comes, he’ll be on my ballot.

#18 a) Neal Cotts 44 | P
Pros: He’s single…ladies.
Cons: He can’t get anyone out. Ever.
In or Out? Of the ASG or the 40-man roster?

#18 b) Scott Eyre 47 | P
Pros: He now holds the Cubs record for consecutive scoreless appearances and also leads the majors with 93 holds over a four-year span while allowing the fewest number of inherited runners to score. Impressive.
Cons: Since the scoreless streak was broken, he has basically been Neal Cotts only fatter and more married. Less Impressive.
In or Out? Out. The ASG people have very strict rules regarding players who lack a chin.

#16 Jon Lieber 32 | P
Pros: Versatile veteran can be used as a starter, long man or late inning reliever.
Cons: He sucks at all of those jobs.

Go Cubs.

He's Still Smarter Than Dusty

A lot of people poke fun at the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs. When he pinch hit for Mike Fontenot on Saturday, forgetting that he had hit a home run in his previous at bat, everyone laughed. When he consistently cites “senior moments” when he forgets how the Cubs scored runs in games, everybody loves it. But I wanted to find out if all of these “senior moments” were actually true or just a schtick designed to entertain the media and fans.

So due to our unprecedented access to the Cubs*, I got a chance to interview Lou Piniella this morning. I’ve just finished listening to the interview and wrote out a transcript. Every word of this interview is true**.

*"unprecedented access": no access.
**"true": false.

Martin (10:30 AM): Good to meet you, Lou.

Lou Piniella (10:30 AM): Nice to meet you, too, Steve.

M (10:34): So I thought I’d start by talking to you about Sean Gallagher.

LP: Who?

M (10:34): Sean Gallagher.

LP: Spell it.

M: S-e-a-n. G-a-l-l-a-g-h-e-r.

LP: Never heard of him.

M: He’s your number 5 starter.

LP: Fuck you.

M: He really is. I swear. See…here’s his picture.

LP: Oh…that’s PigBoy. See his nose? Its like that shit on Seinfeld. PigBoy. Seinfeld’s pretty funny. I can’t believe they got Steinbrenner to guest star as often as he did.

M: Umm…he…

LP: That’s a pretty funny looking kid. Shit, I didn’t know his name was Gallagher.

M: Its on the back of his jersey.

LP: One more sarcastic comment from you and they’ll never find your body.

M (10:40): Okay…thanks for giving me a few minutes to change my shorts. Anyway, so Gallagher’s really come on lately, hasn’t he?

LP: Who?

M(10:41): Nevermind.

M (10:45): So why is Mike Fontenot on this team? He doesn’t seem to provide…well…anything of value on the baseball field.

LP (10:46): Well, he’s not really a good player, but he’s small, so we usually just stuff him in Zambrano’s suitcase on road trips and it saves us a seat on the plane for Daryle Ward’s knapsack full of Toblerones. We’re contractually obligated to provide them for him, so we have to save money somewhere. Fontenot is great for that.

M (10:50): I know that Wrigley fans show up to every game, stay until the end, cheer even when the team is down 7-1, but is there anything else the fans could be doing to help the team play more effectively?

LP: (10:51): Well, you know, we’re doing it all for them. They’ve had to wait almost 45 years for a World Series championship and…

M: Its been 99 years.
LP: Huh?

M: Its 2008.

LP: Even better! Well, however many years its been, they deserve a championship here at Weeghman Park.

M: Whatever.

LP: (10:55) Oh! I got one! Can you do anything about that stupid Southwest commercial that plays every fucking thirty seconds during the broadcasts of our games? I’ve never wanted to punch a child more than when that little shit sings “Let fweedom wiiiing.”

M: (10:57): I’ll see what I can do.

M(11:00 AM): So Lou, what do you think of the way your offense is performing this year?

LP(11:01 AM): We’ve…………

(11:08)done a pretty……

M (11:10): Jesus. Come on.

LP: (11:15)pretty good….

M (11:17): (Nodding off)

LP: (11:22)errr…….

M (11:25): This was a bad idea.

LP: (11:35)job hitting the ball.

M (11:35AM): Good to know.

M(11:36): So, since the Michael Barr…

LP (11:35): Mention that name and I’ll have Ted Lilly kill your family.

M (11:35) : Nevermind.

M (11:36): I know you have a unique relationship with your pitching staff.

LP (11:36): They throw strikes, they’re allowed to eat. From there on, each walk equals another fingernail that gets pulled off. I like to keep it simple…

LP(11:37): Take Jason Marquis for example. You see his last three starts? Haters might say “Ooooh…Lou. Holding his family hostage and treating them like the kid in ‘Clockwork Orange’ is a little extreme.” Well, he hasn’t lost since, has he? And has he been throwing strikes, so they can all suck it.

M (11:38): Well, I gotta go. Congratulations on such a great first half.

LP: Great first half of what?

M: Baseball.

LP: Oh great…how are we doing?

M: Your 20 games over .500.

LP: Shit, really? How’d we do that?

M: You scored more runs than the other team. Often.

LP: Awesome.

M: Yeah.

Wow.

Go Cubs.

Lay off the Irony Pills

Cubs.com has a knack for putting the most ironic stories/pictures possible in their headlines. So was it a shock that today, the day after Ronny Cedeno has what is possibly the Single Worst At Bat by a Major League Baseball Player in the History of the Game Going Back to Abner Fucking Doubleday, is it at all surprising that this is the headline?

As someone privy to the inner workings of the editorial staff at Cubs.com (read: not privy to anything at all), I was able to find out which headlines were actually intended for this morning's cubs.com front page. Among them:

Eric Patterson Adjusting Quickly to Demands of Left Field

Henry Blanco: Superclutch

Murton Fast Becoming Best Pinch Hitting Option

The Daryle Ward Diet Newest Fad in Hollywood

Sean Marshall: Everything Zambrano is, and He's a Lefty!

DeRosa and Wife Very Happy; Reportedly States He "Would Never Publicly Grope a Nineteen Year Old Country Singer"

Wuertz Unflappable When Team Not Perfect Behind Him

Edmonds Not Working Out As Well As Hoped; Message Board Posters Right Again
Then again, maybe I'm just a little annoyed that they lost at home. It seems like forever since they won at Wrigley. What's the matter with this team?

Welcome Back

To the man with the biggest smile on the Cubs...

and also one of the biggest asses...

those of us at FOTG just wanted to say...good to have you back, Daryle.

Go Cubs.

Not Forgetting Alexis Marshall

Dear Alexis-

Its good to have you back with the big club.

I know it must have been tough watching your husband toil away in Iowa, what with all the water and stuff. I'm sure you did your best to help him through that time while you were in Phoenix, where there are plenty of healthy and mentally stable people there to take care of you.

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop you a note and let you know that we here at FOTG are very excited to have you back periodically on our television sets, as you graciously allow Bob Brenly to gawk at you and stumble over his words.

Sincerely,

The Losers at Five Outs To Go


P.S. Do your best to make sure your husband doesn't suck ass.

Weekend Roundup

According to Pat Hughes, today is the first day in the 13 years he has been the Cubs broadcaster that the Cubs have been more than 4 games ahead of the Cardinals. I have no idea if that's true, but...ugh.

Department of Redundancy Department: Joe Morgan=Asshat. And now, a liar too.

The Cubs are still trying to save face on the $10 million they gave to Szmardksfsdfdlkhdfliudfhlw. Despite a near 5 ERA at AA, he's George Jefferson.

The White Sox whine and bitch about Wrigley Field, and (possibly) call the stadium security to eject hecklers, and the Cubs say nothing and just beat their asses. Well, maybe they said a little bit.

Carlos Zambrano: Not Gay. And he'll prove it. On the mound. Or something.
*linked to google's cached copy because chicagosports.com took the story down.


Paul Sullivan needs to stop whining about players who don't suck up to him. Of the "Best/Worst of the weekend," Aramis Ramirez gets "best player," but every "worst" is a Cub, for no other reason than they don't give good quotes.

Carlos Marmol needs to adjust his release point. Just don't make the same "adjustments" Shane Falco made.

Speaking of everyone's favorite headcase, his start on Friday was nosogood. He's being sent to Mesa for a "mental break." In with the good air, out with the bad air...in with the good air, out with the bad air...

Unrelated Post of the Month Part Two: RIP George

He was one of the truly gifted ones...

It's racist as hell, but at least we made the front page.

Went to ESPN.com this morning and was greeted by this image.


Thanks ESPN for proving that the easiest way to turn us from "lovable losers" to "racist assholes" is one embarrassing picture. What's the matter, couldn't you find a picture of some douche wearing the Horry Cow t-shirt?

BTW, the rising sun background is a nice touch too. Apparently subtlety isn't a job requirement for ESPN web designers. Asshats.

On a happier note, ESPN's own Gene Wojciechowski put together a nice piece about the Cubs that should help you put off hanging yourself for at least a few hours. My favorite part:

Chicago Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol plopped down on the billowy leather recliner in the visitors' clubhouse, leaned back in one of those "ahhhhh" moments … and then fell head over heels backward.

Reliever Scott Eyre, talking on his cell, let Marmol struggle for a few seconds, leaned the phone to the side and said, "Hold on a second. Marmol just fell over." And then he helped drag Marmol from the recliner.

Quality.

UPDATE: Good news. Check out that same pic on ESPN's PAGE 2. Now featuring double the pixels of intolerance! Hooray!


Go Cubs.

Its Tallest Midget Weekend!

In a town near where I grew up, their yearly festival was called “Dick Tracy Days.” It started in 1990, seemingly to honor the guy who created the comic strip and who happened to die in that town in 1985. More importantly, it was an attempt to capitalize on the fact that the movie was coming out that summer. It was a bit forced, a bit cheesy, but you excused it because there was at least one or two necessary tie-ins that made it make sense and, well, people seemed to be having a good time.

This festival recurred each summer for the next seventeen years.

By my senior year of high school, I had no idea why the hell they felt the need to celebrate a movie that (a.) was pretty much a flop, and (b.) was, by that point, six years in the past. It seemed ridiculous. Yet they did it year after year. After year. After year. ELEVEN MORE TIMES. (Appropriately enough, this same town was the place they filmed “Groundhog Day.”) It became an outdated, boring, and truly pointless endeavor that no longer had any reason to exist. It was the vestigial festival.

So what does this have to do with the Cubs? Simple: the Cubs-White Sox series is the baseball equivalent of the Dick Tracy Days.
Read More...

It was fine the first year or two: at the very least, there were now at least three games a season in which people would go into the upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field. Eleven years later, the Cubs and White Sox have played 60 times, the series is tied 30-30, and this “tradition” gets dumber each year. Let me count the reasons why:

1.It ratchets up the stupid obsession some Sox fans have for all things Cub. By this point, everyone knows that a decent portion of the White Sox fanbase would prefer that the Cubs lose even over a White Sox win. This certainly isn't all Sox fans, but it describes a huge majority of the ones who feel the need to show up at Wrigley for the Cubs-Sox series (as well as the ones who would feel the need to angrily respond to this post). It is also clear that a large portion of the Cubs fan base couldn't pick Alexei Ramirez out of a lineup, and even more importantly, don't give a shit. This utter apathy the majority of Cubs fans have for the White Sox absolutely irritates the hell out of those same obsessed Sox fans, and the two series the teams play each year are the opportunity they have to “show them Cub queers what's what.” This, of course, brings out the only-slightly-beneath-the-surface asshat in the Cubs fans dumb enough to really want to go to these games. Yay.

2.There is no respite from the stupidity. For the most part, at any given Cubs game, if you avoid the bleachers you can probably watch the game without (a) the desire to castrate at least four shirtless buffoons who are still wondering why Sammy's not playing today, or (b) some kind of rain slicker to keep the spilled beer off you. Unfortunately, during the Cubs-Sox series, the bleacher fans spill into the rest of the ballpark. At the three or four Cubs/Sox games I've gone to over the last ten years, I've spent equal time loathing ridiculous “O ee O...Magglio” chants (Wizard of Oz references? Really?) and watching idiotic Cubs fans (who are probably the same douchebags who wear the “Horry Cow” shirts) try and match the level of imported south side stupidity in the ballpark. For six games, Wrigley Field and U.S. Cellular become the Mecca and Medina of stupid.

3. There is absolutely nothing fun about the games, win or lose. If the Cubs lose, you have to listen to the future William Ligues of the world spout off some utterly creative one-liner like “100 Years!” or the slightly more intellectual “Cubs still suck!” If they win, you get to hear the exact same one-liners. The wins and losses don't even matter—its like the game is secondary to the opportunity for the mouth breathers from both sides of town to hold off on calling into the Mike North show for a few hours and catch a game.


After 60 meetings between these two teams, the only thing I want to know after a Cubs win against the White Sox is what the Cardinals and Brewers did. There is no extra satisfaction, other than the joy of knowing that there is one less piece of ammo for the idiot in the next cubicle who needs White Sox victories to somehow offset the fact that he got passed over for the promotion (again!) by his asshole boss, who happens to be from Winnetka and has a picture of Ron Santo in his office.

So, in an act that symbolizes better than any other the relationship between Cubs and Sox fans, I sold my tickets (at about five times face value) to a White Sox fan. He gets to go to the Most Important Games of the Year, and I made enough cash to pay for tickets to just about every Cubs-Brewers game for the rest of the year.

Sure, I'd enjoy the hell out of a Cubs sweep, but not a whole lot more than a sweep of, say, the Mets. And I'll gladly trade getting swept by the White Sox in exchange for a 22-0 record against the Brewers and Cardinals for the rest of the year...you know, the games that actually make a significant difference in terms of which team from the NL Central will go to the playoffs. Instead, I get to enjoy ten days packed full of the only thing I truly despise about Chicago baseball. Somebody wake me when this is over.

No Seriously! It's Falling!

Three in a row. Let's just go home boys. 3.5 games up (thank you KC) Milwaukee closing in. If you need me, I'll be in the corner carving "please just be a strain" into the wall over and over.

Go Cubs.

P.S. Tigers are making a run. Shout out to every one's favorite effeminate red-headed bartender.

P.P.S. He's pretty sick right now, so get your "Make a Wish" dollars ready.
(HINT: He wants, for once, to be a normal blond-haired boy)

P.P.P.S. He is also a fan of the blog and...well...not dying. Just so we are clear, cuz I know he will read this...

If you want to drink beer (or wine) and watch a sporting event, there is no better place than FINLEY DUNNES (3458 N. Lincoln). When you decide to make the right choice and choose FINLEY DUNNES (3458 N. Lincoln), you can do no better than Mike...GM, Bartender, Father, MSU Grad, non-conformist to normal hair color, all around good guy.

Go Cubs.

I Refuse to Address this Situation And I'm Sure it Will Go Away

When I was a kid, I used to close my eyes when big storms were on the horizon, because in my 7 year old mind, if I didn't see it, it wasn't happening. That's how I'm dealing with last night's situation with Zambrano. And that's all I'm going to write.


(Thanks to Timmy B on Desipio for the image)


UPDATE: Lou was just on WGN radio and said that, in his (nonmedical) opinion, it was more likely minor and not major, a tendinitis-type thing, and "50/50 whether he goes on the 15 day DL." Not time to breathe easy yet, but cautious optimism abounds.

UPDATE #2: From ESPN:

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. -- Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano will miss his next scheduled start because of shoulder trouble and will undergo an MRI exam Friday.


Zambrano left Wednesday night's game at Tampa Bay because of discomfort in his right shoulder. He was examined Thursday in Chicago by team orthopedist Dr. Stephen Gryzlo.

Zambrano, 8-3 with a 3.13 ERA in 16 starts for the NL Central leaders, had been set to pitch Tuesday night at home against Baltimore.

"I don't think there's a possibility at all," Cubs manager Lou Piniella said before the series finale against the Rays.

Zambrano was originally set to have an MRI exam Thursday. The Cubs decided to instead schedule an MRI arthrogram, a test in which dye is injected into the problem area to provide a more detailed look.

"I hope it's not serious," Piniella said. "I hope we find out what's wrong and we can take care of it in short order."

I guess that's better news. But as I said in the comments, until they rule out amputation, I'm not gonna stop worrying.

Go Cubs.

Unrelated Post of the Month: Sky Mall

Sorry for the non-Cubs post, but this is seriously one of the funniest videos I've see in a LONG time. Then again. I LOVE Sky Mall, so maybe this was only funny to me. Enjoy.


Go Cubs.

Live Blog: Why Aren't They Called the Manta Rays Again?

Seriously? No one could have see the Devil thing being a problem?

Anyway. We've decided to live blog this one so sit back and enjoy the bitterness.

Jdot (6:05 PM): Hey, it's Don Zimmer. It's like a Lakers game for old farts!

Jdot (6:15 PM): I think you can judge a team's post season chances by their backstop ads. Let's just say "Lumber Liquidators" isn't a good sign.

Jdot (6:19 PM): Martin is making fish tacos for dinner. Just thought I'd share that. Think he's obsessed with the Cubs at all? The only way that would be more ridiculous of a choice is if he referred to them as Devil Ray Tacos.

Jdot (6:23 PM): If you would have told me at the beginning of the season that a) the Rays were gonna be a factor in June and b) we would make a conscious effort to ensure Dempster started game 1 against those same Rays, I would have told you that maybe it was a bad idea to go off your meds.

Jdot (6:25 PM): Do Tampa fans even know what a "playoff atmosphere" is? They all seem asleep. Maybe they should bring over that ridiculous pirate ship from the Bucs stadium and fire off some cannons. Or at least tell them all if they cheer loud enough they can get 2 bucks off the "Early Bird" special at Denney's. Just a thought.

Chud (6:33 PM): Damn east coast games, forgot it started already!

Jdot (6:34 PM): Ladies and gentleman, a true Cubs fan.

Chud (6:34 PM): Over/under on how long until someone beats that Rays fan to death with a foam finger?

Jdot (6:36 PM): Anywhere else, he'd be dead already. Unfortunately, most of these fans escaped from a local nursing home and are just mad that no one has brought them their pudding yet.

Jdot (6:42 PM): What's going on with Rambo's beard tonight?

Jdot (6:52 PM): Remind me why we didn't keep Floyd again? Yikes he killed that one.

Chud (6:54 PM): Anyone else think Dwayne Stats could be the love child of Robert Reed (aka Mike Brady)?

Jdot (6:56 PM): I was cheering loudly for Theriot to get there on that dropped third strike. Never a good sign.

Jdot (6:58 PM): I think that Cubs Disney Vacation thing looks awesome. Shockingly, my wife disagrees.

UPDATE: Called her to ask again about going on this trip and she said, "Is DeRosa there? If not, not friggin' way."

Jdot (7:02 PM): Boston/Phillie game is on here at the bar. Why can't we have a "roving reporter" like Heidi Watley?

Jdot (7:05 PM): They practice the "bases loaded hit off the plate shovel it to the catcher for the force out" play? Somehow, I find that hard to believe.

Chud (7:14 PM): Exhibit number 2 for Jason's backstop ads theory: Culpepper/Kurland Personal Injury Attorneys. Again not a good sign.

Chud (7:16 PM): The only thing more annoying than listening to Dickie V is listening to people do impersonations of him.

Jdot (7:17 PM): I think you are using the word "impersonation" a tad liberally. Awkwardly creaming "baby" doesn't really count.

Chud (7:21 PM): "Awkwardly creaming baby"? Are you still blogging the game or have you wandered to some "other" sites?

Jdot (7:26 PM): Regardless, I have a new fantasy team name.

Chud (7:30 PM): Or the title of your autobiography.

Jdot (7:30 PM): 2 things. 1) NO HITTER! NO HITTER! NO HITTER! Whew, got that out of the way. 2) Just had the first bar patrons of the night who were shocked that the NBA game wasn't going to be on with sound. Go home.

Jdot (7:31 PM): Matt Murton! Let's take this moment to repost the creepiest/coolest pic of Murton ever!


Thanks to Desipio.

Chud (7:36 PM): Were those same bar patrons shocked that Larry Bird and Magic Johnson weren't playing in the game tonight as well?

Jdot (7:38 PM): As my dad always told me, if you can't win...blame the Batter's Eye.

Jdot (7:41 PM): THEY ARE PITCHING THERIOT AWAY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DOES NO ONE IN MLB HAVE ADVANCED SCOUTS?

Chud (7:44 PM): Thank you Willy Aybar!

Jdot (7:43 PM): Tie game! (high-fiving self)

Chud (7:47 PM): Has the Cubs offense suddenly got that bad, that Bob Brenly is advocating Theriot intentionally getting caught in a rundown just to try and score a run?

Jdot (7:48 PM): Yes. Or maybe he's just taking a page out of Ronnie's book: "I would LOVE a passed ball here!"

Chud (7:52 PM): You know you're catering to an older crowd when your team doesn't just have Throwback Night, they have Throwback Tuesday.

Jdot (7:56 PM): Did they just say that someone on the Cubs broadcast team is nicknamed Peanut Butter?

Jdot (7:59 PM): Rambo looks out of gas. Seems early for that problem.

Jdot (8:02 PM): Mmmmm. Wings.

Chud (8:12 PM): Talking baby and a clown . . . still makes me laugh . . . well done E-Trade.

Jdot (8:13 PM): Sorry about the wing delay.

Just so we are clear. That ball to Hinske was high AND outside. And he got tossed for no reason. Go Cubs.

Martin (8:15 PM): There's the Matt Murton power I remember.

Jdot (8:18 PM) Ass.

Martin (8:20 PM) And people get annoyed that Marmol pitches in every game...

Jdot (8:22 PM): Hmmm. I wonder if Neal Cotts is available in our keeper league.

Jdot (8:25 PM): Should I feel bad that I could care less about the NBA game?

Jdot (8:27 PM): Just realized that the Cubs have never won when I've done one of these. Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me.

Martin (8:32 PM): Crappy Ronny's back! Huzzah!

Jdot (8:33 PM): Crazy ass Reed Johnson.

Martin (8:35): How bad has it become that I prefer Theriot to Lee in this situation>

Jdot: (8:36): BTW, write it down, remember it, I don't give a f*#k...someone finally pitched Theriot inside. And then...

Martin (8:36): WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU JACKASS.

Jdot: (8:36): Yep. That was smart.

UPDATE: Have to clarify this one. 2 dumb plays in a row...1) getting the last out at third on which is EASILY the dumbest play so far this year and 2) throwing a ball away at first when the guy is ALREADY on first.

Martn (8:39): Go back to Iowa Neal. Preferably the part that's still underwater.

Jdot (8:45): If they don't give up a run here, I'll fly to TB and give Wuertz a happy ending. That's how much I care.

Jdot (8:49): Ad #3: Ball Wrist Watches. I think they are making most of these up.

Jdot (8:51): Reason #4,894 Why I Shouldn't Watch a Cubs Game at the Bar:
Some dude just put money in the jukebox (killing sound on the game) to play "Dancing Queen." I wish I was making that up.

Martin (8:53): Thank you for being dumb Upton.

Martin (8:56): Does anyone actually think he was trying to hit him there? Man, fans are dumb.

Jdot: (8:58): I think they need to revise the HBP rule. If you take one off the jersey and act like you just took one off the knee/nuts, it's an out. Who's with me?

Jdot: (9:00): My jukebox buddy followed up "Dancing Queen" with "Freedom" by George Michael. Just wanted to keep you in the loop.

Martin (9:01): Sharp Aquos "Game Changing Play of the Day?" Might as well just call it "Dumbass of the Day."

Jdot: (9:02): Zing! He will be here all week, folks. Remember, the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show! Please, tip your waitresses!

Jdot: (9:07): How Aramis doesn't injure himself every AB is one of God's mysteries.

Martin (9:08): Your jukebox buddy might be trying to tell you something. If R. Kelly's "Out of the Closet" comes on next, you may have yourself a new friend...

Martin (9:09): Watching the way the Cubs are swinging the bats tonight makes me want to kick the guy from savethefamgame.com in the nuts. Repeatedly.

Jdot (9:17): At this point, I just want this game to end (sorry) so that I can take L home without getting mugged.

Martin (9:18): Don't worry. You will get mugged, so relax and enjoy.

Jdot (9:22): Maybe this ump needs a refresher course on "K Zone."

Martin (9:22): Murton apparently went to the Jim Edmonds school of taking bad angles on balls.

Jdot (9:25): (Insert Unicorn Joke)

Martin (9:26): Well, some nights you just don't have it.

Jdot (9:31): (quietly banging head on table)

Martin (9:30): I don't think anyone knows the rule about catchers as DHs at this point.

Jdot (9:36): I think he was gonna be out.

Martin (9:35): Ugh.

Martin (9:38): Another wild one would be helpful here.

Jdot: (9:39): Wow.

Martin (9:39): Made it interesting.


Well, on a night when they had nothing going offensively and made a number of stupid mistakes both on the bases and in the field, they came one throw away from tying up a team that has 40 wins. Hard to be mad about that one. Go get 'em tomorrow.

I'm Sure Hendry Thinks Trachsel Can Recreate the Magic of '07

Okay, so Jason Marquis has apparently “developed a split fingered fastball,” i.e. “found a way to surgically remove the suckitude just long enough to convince someone like Dusty Baker to think he's good,” and Ted Lilly continues to evade those people looking for the Zodiac Killer, so the Cubs rotation looks remarkably strong right now. However, if the Cubs want to (gulp) play deep into October, the general consensus is that they're going to need one more shut-down starter. Shane Falco Hill doesn't look like he'll ever get over the yips, so they're going to have to look outside the organization.

The good news-There are going to be quite a few pitchers of varying talent available for the Cubs over the next few weeks. According to a number of sites that feature actual news and not just idiots making bad “Replacements” references, the market looks to heat up sooner rather than later, as GMs on teams that are already out of it have finally realized they can get more for players if they, you know, trade them earlier in the season. So, without further adieu, a run down of six of the available starters:

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THE “IF WRIGLEY WERE THE SIZE OF A NATIONAL PARK, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA” GROUP

Greg Maddux, Padres.
Glory days well they'll pass you by
Glory days in the wink of a young girl's eye

You were great once, Greg. You're a first ballot Hall of Famer and now that Roger Clemens has shrunk back to his Bruce Banner size, its pretty obvious you were the greatest non-roided up pitcher of my generation. But let's be honest, here. You'd be the 7th best starter on this team right now. Nostalgia only gets you so far.

Randy Wolf, Padres
Home and Away splits for Randy Wolf. End of story.

THE “HELL, MARK O'NEAL NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO WITHOUT PRIOR HERE” GROUP

A.J. Burnett, Blue Jays
He apparently really wants to come to the Cubs, and would probably be a one-year rental. He has an option for '09 and Scott Boras likes money. Stay healthy, and the Cubs can leave the money on the nightstand.

Rich Harden, A's
When I was 11, I convinced my 8 year old neighbor to trade his 1963 Willie Mays card for my 1988 Mark Grace Donruss because “newer cards are shinier.” I have a feeling Billy Beane uses some of the same arguments when Jim Hendry calls about trades. Even so, if they can get him and manage not to give up the entire cities of Des Moines, Peoria, and Daytona, AND he stays healthy (yikes), he's probably the best pitcher available (even better than Anthony Anderson's long lost brother, C.C.).

THE “YAY FOR STUPID GMs ON OTHER TEAMS” GROUP

Eric Bedard, Mariners
So the Mariners give up four of their best players in their farm system for Eric Bedard, who proceeds to turn into Chet Steadman. Meanwhile, George Sherrill leads baseball in saves and the other three guys you traded are showing progress already. Its no wonder Bill Bavasi got fired today. You get pantsed by Andy MacPhail and you need to go. Thankfully, their ownership is already hitting the eject button on Bedard (and the rotting corpse of Richie Sexson), so the Cubs could potentially swoop in and get him for 60 cents on the dollar. Then again, Jim Hendry attempted to deal Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton, Felix Pie, and Sean Gallagher for Brian Roberts. I'm going to go cry for awhile.

THE “DARYLE WARD WILL NOW HAVE TO FIGHT MMA STYLE TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO THE POSTGAME SPREAD” GROUP

C.C. Sabathia, Indians.
He's a free agent at the end of the year, so he'll probably be a rental. He was godawful in the playoffs last year and for the first month this year. He would require half the farm system in a trade. He doesn't bend the brim on his hat (a fashion trend in baseball that needs to stop. Now.). Yet I can't imagine the Cubs being anything less than a 2-1 favorite to win the World Series if they could find a way to pry him from the Indians.

Peter Gammons says the Cubs don't have enough to get Sabathia, which of course means that the Cubs are going to get him.

As someone who has absolutely no sources whatsoever and operates exclusively in the realm of baseless rumor, I would bet that the Cubs make a huge run at Sabathia, but end up with Burnett. Regardless, I have no doubt that the Cubs make a pretty big splash this season and get someone who is considered a difference-maker. And the day it happens, Cubs fans will explode with a joy that we haven't seen since July of 2004 when the Cubs made the biggest splash of the season by getting perennial all-star Nomar Garciaparra. That worked out well, didn't it?

Are You Ready to Have Your Mind Blown?

Well are you?

I was surfing for stats this afternoon on ESPN trying to figure out how I could be so god awful in my keeper league (I'm looking at you Andruw) and came across this.

Pretty friggin' impressive. Especially when you compare it to this.

This year's team is on pace to surpass the 2007 run TOTAL by about game 130. Wow. I am without speech. I hope that amazing stat helps get you through a weekend of having to watch Eric Patterson try to break his brother's record for most pitches in the dirt swung on and missed.

Go Cubs.

Depends On Your Definition of Minimal

In case you didn't know, Soriano took one off the hand today. Reports are he has a "minimally displaced fracture." I hope it looks a whole lot better than this poor bastard's hand I found on the Internet (thanks Google).

As a person who has broken a bone in his hand recently, I know these take awhile to heal. Then again, I had a moron for a doctor so who knows. Get well soon Alfi!

Go Cubs.

UPDATE: 6 Weeks. Reports are that Soriano is going to be out at least 6 weeks. Sigh. The optimist in me says that we have had a pretty balanced lineup so far this year so we will be fine. The pessimist in me says we just lost a huge bat for probably two months which is never good. The realist in me says if he's back by Labor Day it's a miracle. No matter what, this team SHOULD be good enough to weather this storm. Do they know that? I guess we will have to wait and see.

Go Cubs.

Ramdom Rant: The NBA Isn't THAT Fantastic

Dear ESPN,

I came home from the bar last night and watched the end of your sister station's (ABC) coverage of the Lakers-Celtics game. Not bad. I'm a casual fan of the NBA, but this series with all it's "history" has kept me interested so far. Kudos. Anyways, the game ended and I flip over to your bread and butter program...Sportscenter to catch some highlights of...you know...sports. Well, that was a mistake. Of course you led off the coverage with the NBA game. It's the most important sporting event of the night. No arguments here. After the highlights, you started the analysis with whatever crew gets their own desk at game (Mark Jackson? Really?). I got bored and start flipping around. Sorry.

20 MINUTES later, I flip back expecting you to have moved on. Nope. More analysis and then THE most exciting thing in sports...the post game press conference! First Doc, then Phil! I could barely sit down I was so enthralled!

At this point, I'm getting a tad frustrated, so I say "F#$k it, I'll just go to ESPN News in HD!" (Yes, I talk that way to myself, sue me.) I flip to it expecting to see some stats and a loop of about 5 highlights from around sports repeated every 15 minutes and instead I get...Phil Jackson again. That's right. In your infinite wisdom, you decided to devote TWO channels to coaches answering boring questions about game 3 of the NBA finals. Not game 7. Not a classic overtime battle. Game 3.

I understand that you own the rights to the NBA Finals, so you want to give as much coverage to this series as possible, but come on. Show a baseball highlight for god sakes. Hell, I'll take Euro2008 (whatever the hell that is) over 40 minutes of guys blathering on and on about an NBA game. You don't do this for any other sport excluding the Super Bowl. And when you're coverage of the NBA Finals starts rivaling THAT coverage, you have a problem. Do you think casual sports fans give a shit what Stu Scott thought of Paul Gasol's play in the second half? Do you think we need every sequence broken down with slow motion replays so we can see every damn pick?

Maybe I'm in the minority, but with a full slate of MLB games either going on or just finishing around the time Sportscenter aired, wouldn't it be a good idea to maybe show a highlight or two of those games? I had to turn on the Best Damn Sports Show Period to get my sports fix. Seriously. I turned on a show where John Salley was involved...on purpose. Shame on you ESPN. You did this to me.

Sincerely,

J Dot

Publicity 101

With Mark Cuban’s recent announcement that “hey, I’m still interested in the Cubs,” it got me wondering whether or not this Joe-Six-Pack’s wet dream had a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. My answer? Of-fucking-course not. So why is Cuban so intent on letting everyone within earshot know that he’s willing to “pull out all the stops” in pursuit of the Cubs?

There are only a few possible answers as I can see.

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1. He thinks he may be able to totally overwhelm Zell with an offer that simply cannot be refused. Its fairly well known that MLB strong armed their way into getting John Henry’s bid for the Red Sox accepted (even though it wasn’t the highest). Maybe Cuban thinks if he offers a ridiculously high bid for the Cubs AND makes it well known in the media just how much more he offered than any other bidder, he couldn’t be denied. The Tribune’s financial woes are such that it is possible that they couldn’t justify denying such an overwhelming (and very public) bid. Furthermore, given that MLB has been Congress’ bitch for the last two years or so, denying a bid that is significantly higher than any other for no other reason than the guy making it doesn’t belong to Skull and Bones might get them another round in front of the humble Senator from Iowa. I’m sure they’d like to avoid that kind of hassle.

2. He wants the publicity so he can market his other companies, like HDNet, 2929 Entertainment and Landmark Theatres. I’m not really sure what kind of cross-promotional advantage his public pursuit of the Cubs would bring to these companies, but who knows.

3. Ego. Its obvious that Cuban enjoys being in the spotlight, and why wouldn’t he? He’s beloved by practically every fan of professional sports, and has the perfect reputation: the everyman who gets rich overnight. The guy is Mr. Deeds, even down to the $5 haircut. There is no better way to promote himself than to mount an aggressively public campaign for one of the ten most recognizable sports franchises in the world. Even if (when) his bid gets rejected, it becomes just another example of the Old Boys Club keeping the average guy out, and his reputation grows.

Regardless, #2 and #3 are far more likely reasons behind Cuban’s bid for the Cubs. But what if he were to actually succeed in his bid for the team? Would it really make a difference on the field?

Most likely, while he’d make it a hell of a lot more fun for the average fan (and make our job a whole lot easier), the actual on-field impact would most certainly be minimal, at least in the short-term. The team has a large number of long-term salary commitments, and free agency is more likely to bring a player like Barry Zito than Vladimir Guerrero (I had to look hard to find the last free agent who actually has lived up to his contract).

If he were willing to spend even more money to upgrade the scouting department and hire a competent statistically-inclined GM, the impact would come in the long-term. Renovations of Wrigley Field would also be a long-term process whose benefits wouldn’t be immediately apparent (and would probably cost him a little goodwill in the process).

So while Mark Cuban’s pursuit of the Cubs is fun for fans and columnists, the likelihood of a successful bid is minimal, and the impact of a successful purchase by Cuban is more likely to be in the public relations department more so than on the field, at least in the short term. But hey, it would be fun to read blogmaverick over the next few years. Maybe his online chats could rival Muskat’s or Sullivan’s in their pure stupidity.

100 Observations about the Cubs (Mostly): Final, Sad Edition

75. These types of lists are a lot easier when the Cubs suck.

76. In other words, these types of lists have been easier every other year of my life.

77. Time zones blow.

78. I'm almost positive that Lou Pinella would rather take a wine bottle corkscrew to his nuts than have to start Jason Marquis one more time, but has to because Sean Marshall is hurt and Keanu Hill is still trying to breathe through his eyeballs.

79. Saw this picture on Desipio, and couldn't help but wonder if Jason decided to take up painting.

80. Over/Under on when Carlos Marmol's right arm secedes from the rest of his body: 20 games.

81. Umm, Kerry? That guy standing up there with two outs and two on in the ninth...his name is Juan Pierre. You might not remember him...he was the guy who grounded out to second base 94% of the time when he was on the Cubs a couple years ago. Maybe you shouldn't treat him like Ty Fucking Cobb up there. You did much better with Matt Kemp.

82. If Ed MacMahon's house is in foreclosure, what chance do the rest of us have? Can't he just pay them with one of those oversized checks that come in the prize van? (Ba-dum-bum)

83. I wish Michael Barrett was still on the team, if only so Z had something to punch.

84.Derrek Lee can come back any time now.

85. The bullpen phone at Dodger Stadium “malfunctioned” on Friday. Carlos Marmol's right arm had no comment.

86. With the 611th pick of the draft, the Cubs picked Jericho Jones. He's a white guy. And he wasn't in a blaxpoitation film in the 1970s. Both of these facts astounded me.

87. I'm at the point where, if Jason Marquis isn't going to throw a shutout, I want him to give up as many runs as humanly possible. And I'm okay with that.

88. Speaking of players I want to see get torched on a regular basis, the name Joba Chamberlain comes to mind. I have no problem with the kid, but when roughly 75% of the baseball stories on espn.com are dedicated to the glory of his first start in the major league (all 3 innings of it), karma needs to step in.

89. If the Cubs went after C.C. Sabathia (as so many are speculating), would he and Z get into a brawl over the postgame spread, or would Daryle Ward just eat them both?

90. Answer before thinking: Cubs promotional shot or screencap of this week's pederast on “To Catch a Predator”:









91. Just some quick math: if the Cubs go 5 games over .500 at home, and 5 games over .500 on the road for the rest of the year, they'll win 94 games. How f'n scary is that?

92. If this were any other year, I would have been ridiculously afraid of typing the above.

93. The pending fight over the sale of the Cubs between Sam Zell and Bud Selig will be almost as fun as watching Selig get slapped all over the Congressional floor.

94. Joe Morgan is an asshat. Yes, everybody knows this already.

95. One last time, for the people who STILL haven't been paying attention: No, the Cubs did not draft Josh Hamilton and trade him to the Reds. They sold the pick without knowing what player the Reds were going to draft. Move on.

96. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the only Cubs fan who is audibly laughing with the report that “The Orioles no longer can get the same deal for Brian Roberts that the Cubs offered during the off-season.” Screw you, MacPhail.

97. It turns out that, under Mark Prior's elbow injury was some other injury “commonly associated with trauma, most likely a fall.” I always knew I hated Marcus Giles' roided up ass.

98. Why did Todd Hollandsworth cut the curly mullet?

99. The remainder of the Cardinals season hinges on the injury status of Todd Wellemeyer. Read that again. And smile.

100. 40-24. Best record in baseball. Damn.

With the 41st pick in the 2008 Draft, the Chicago Cubs select...Wally Joyner?

From MiLB.com (I know that looks like a typo, but it's legit):

Ryan Flaherty, SS, Vandy

A strong and athletic infielder with a classic left-handed swing, he's drawn a comparison to Wally Joyner in terms of his offensive skill set. He should hit for average, but hasn't shown much power at this point. Defensively, he's got a good arm, but does not have the range to stay at short. A move to third might make the most sense given his size.

Wally Joyner? Seriously? That's the best reference they could come up with?

Here is my favorite part of the scouting report...

Base running: He's not a base-clogger, but speed is not a tool in any way.

No one likes a base-clogger.

Speed is Not a Tool in Any Way may very well be the nicest way possible to say this guy can't run...and it's now my new fantasy team name.

Go Cubs.

West Side!!

What? You were expecting this pic weren't you? Too predictable.

Anyways, yesterday marked the beginning of every local Cub fans' least favorite road trip...the dreaded West Coast Swing. Nothing ruins a good Cubs game like a 9 PM start time (yes, I am actually 200 years old). On this trip, the Cubs have 3 against the increasingly embarrassing SD Padres and 4 against the mildly annoying Dodgers. As the trip begins, the biggest question facing this "Best Record in Baseball" Cubs team is whether to hold their Championship Parade on Michigan Avenue or on Clark.

Wait. That's not right. Sorry.

The actual big question is whether this team can bottle up their unbelievable success at home and take it with them on the road. Unfortunately, EVERY sportswriter in the country knows this, so there have been roughly 500,000 articles written about it already. Here at FOTG, we are nothing if not on the cutting-edge so instead of jumping on the pile, we will forge out on our own with a new segment.


Bronx or Bust!

With the All-Star game quickly approaching, everyone is asking who on the Cubs deserves a spot on the NL roster. Shockingly enough, even with their stellar play during the first two months, not every Cub is what we would consider "All-Star Worthy." So, in order to simplify this difficult decision, we've created this handy, dandy ranking of each Cubs chances of making it to the Bronx this July.

25-21 "Why Don't You Plan A Trip With the Family" Division

#25 Bob Dean Howry 62 | P
Pros: Traditionally a slow starter, Bobby Dean has turned it on of late, surrendering 0 ER in his last 9 appearances.
Cons: He was a frequent crapper of beds before that: 18.9 IP, 15 ER, 5 HR.
In or Out? Waaaaaaaaay Out.
You will only see BDH in the Bronx this year if he buys his own ticket.

#24 Jason Marquis 21 | P
Pros: He's not quite shitty enough to be removed from the rotation.
Cons: He's not quite good enough to stay in the rotation.
In or Out? I hope that question is rhetorical.

#23 Michael Wuertz 43 | P
Pros: He's not Bobby Howry.
Cons: He's not Carlos Marmol.
In or Out? Out.
Maybe he can use the time off to remember where the plate is located.

#22 Micah Hoffpauir 6 | 1B
Pros: Promising young player who would be starter if it wasn't for that D-Lee character stealing all his ABs year after year. Selfish bastard.
Cons: He shares a first name with Micah Owings who I just grabbed for my fantasy team and then watched him promptly got lit up in his next start. Just saying.
In or Out? Out.
Mark it down, when Lee retires the Cubs WILL give this guy a shot. Then they will go in a different direction. Basically, no one trusts a guy named Micah.

#21 Ted Lilly 30 | P
Pros: His given name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. Seriously.
Cons: President Roosevelt once said "I have as much desire to annex San Domingo as a gorged Boa Constrictor might have to swallow a porcupine wrong end to!" That's how I feel about watching Lilly pitch. Zing! Thank you Wikipedia!
In or Out? He's 5th in HR Allowed in the National League with 12. What do you think?

Go Cubs.