There's Something About Opening Day...

No other sport has a day like today. Not the NFL. Not the NBA. Not that sport on ice with sticks. Only MLB has an Opening Day that means something.

Today, the very young, the very old and the very drunk gather to pay homage to the greatest game, America's game. Baseball. It doesn't matter what team you root for, hope springs eternal today. From the Yankees and Red Sox all the way down to the (Devil) Rays and Pirates, fans of EVERY franchise flock to parks (and whatever the Cell is) across the country thinking the same thing...

"This could be the year."

It usually isn't, but on this day is doesn't matter. On this day everything is special. The grass smells fresher. The crack of the bat sounds louder. The chalk looks brighter. The floor under your seat feels less sticky. On this day everything IS perfect. Throw in a Air Force fly-by, a ceremonial first pitch by a hometown hero, a national anthem belted out by an ACTUAL professional singer and you can begin to understand why Opening Day is so remarkable.

So take a moment today. Forget about Z's struggles on baseball's first day. Disregard your fears about the rotation or the bullpen or the lack of a true lead-off hitter and just soak in the game. If you are lucky enough to attend a game today, just stand in the concourse for a second and feel the electricity. If can't attend, turn on the TV or radio and let the sights and sounds just wash over you.

This is it. The wait is over. Opening Day is here again and for at least an afternoon, everyone is rooting for a first place team.

It's time for the two greatest words ever uttered.

Play Ball.

Go Cubs.

Finally...

Well, the weather isn't great, but still...it could be worse.

Opening Day is Here!

Hooray!

Go Cubs!

Who doesn't love a redhead? Well, the Cubs for one.

For those of you who have been with us since the very beginning (thanks Mom and Jeff!), you are no doubt well versed in my unhealthy love for a certain monster-thighed young outfielder named Mathew Henry Murton.

Well, all off-season and most of Spring Training, YOUR Chicago Cubs have been trying to trade him...mostly because he wasn't left-handed (or because he's a redhead, I can't remember which).

For a lot of us, this made no sense since a) he's basically a career .300 hitter


and b) anyone they could get to replace him would be basically a downgrade (I'm looking at you Marlon Byrd and Reed Johnson). Well, despite these these clear-as-a-bell concerns, YOUR Chicago Cubs went out and signed ANOTHER right-handed outfielder leaving Murton to twist in the wind.

Brilliant.

So basically, after never really getting a full season to put his above-average skills on display, YOUR Chicago Cubs gave Matt the finger and are now trying to decide whether to trade him for 10 cents on the dollar or send him back to AAA without a shot of returning to the Show.

I'm so mad I could spit.

A blogger for the Sun-Times sums it up best:

As of right now, Murton is the only player in the Cubs Organization, outside of who is in the starting lineup, who could step in and play outfield on a full-time basis and not have the offense take a dramatic hit. Sure, Murton doesn't run as well as Soriano or have the same power, but he does have the ability to get on base much more than Soriano which leads to....more runs being scored.

I am actually spitting now.

So Matt can't play center. Big friggin' deal. Can't Fuku do that? Wasn't that the plan when Pie couldn't sniff .200 in the Bigs? Why go outside the organization to fill this "need"? Couldn't DeRosa fill in for Fuku if need be? What about Ronny? What the hell?

I need to lie down.

So very angry.

Go Cubs. (Not mine, YOURS)

Questions Answered, Fears Realized

For those of you not recovering from the worst flu imaginable followed by four straight days of hardcore drinking and college basketball, you are probably already aware that Lou answered a bunch of lineup-related questions yesterday.

I don't know if I should be excited, relieved or worried. I'm gonna go with worried.

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Question #1: Who is going to be the Cub's closer?

This one really wasn't in doubt other than the brief back scare a few weeks back. Howry stunk up the joint all spring. Marmol was Marmol. And "The Artist Formerly Known as Kid K" managed to pitch enough consecutive innings to become the sexy choice. EVERYONE wants this to work out for Kerry. Fans, players, management...pretty much everyone not a White Sox or Cardinals fan (ie people with their souls still intact) are hoping he can really make it this time. The problem is, with that many folks collectively pulling for him AND the fact that this is the friggin' Chicago Cubs we are talking about here, all signs point to big trouble. I don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" here, but the chances of this story having a happy ending are about a trillion to one. I hope I'm wrong. I'm praying I'm wrong, actually. And therein lies the rub.

Crap.

Question #2: Who is going to be in the 5-man rotation?

This one was a tad less obvious. After the three sure things (Lilly, Z and Hill) there were 3-4 guys competing for 2 spots...a young guy with a smoking hot wife, an angry veteran who had already pissed off the manager two days into Spring Training by demanding a trade, a seasoned veteran coming off major off-season surgery and a starter/closer/starter. Exciting, no?

Dempster looked good enough to lock down one spot this spring. His velocity wasn't great and neither was his control, so this is obviously a solid move. There is still a chance he could be back in the pen by mid-season, but I bet he gets a ton of chances to make it (or blow it depending on your overall outlook) before that terrible idea is even considered.

That left three more.


So, Lieber had more wins, a better ERA and more K's in basically the same number of innings as Marquis. So he's the big winner, right? Not quite.

Marquis gets the nod and Lieber is now long relief (aka stuck in Purgatory). Everything I read says this is only because the Cubs are still trying to find a sucker to take Marquis off our hands and not listing him as a starter drives down his value. Whatever.

All I see is a pitcher who did everything asked of him this spring AND didn't bitch being rewarded with the always fun duty of eating up innings when someone (Read: Marquis) poops the bed. My excitement is almost palpable.

Question #3: Who wins the center field job?

This one came down to Pie's one healthy testicle versus Fuld's two. It's gotta suck when you get beat by a guy with less healthy balls. Enjoy AAA, Sammy.

Question #4: Brian Roberts or no Brian Roberts?

Still up in the air last I checked, although we did sign Ex-Blue Jay Reed Johnson today. So we've got that going for us, which is nice. Right?

Sigh.

Go Cubs.

UPDATE: Here is quite possibly the funniest thing that will ever be written about Reed Johnson. Kudos to Hire Jim Essian!

Johnson is basically what you’d get if you took away a chunk of Matt Murton’s power, added a bunch of strikeouts, marginally improved his defense, and then slugged him in the lower back with a baseball bat.

I don't care who you are...that's funny.

Go Cubs.

UPDATE #2: Just went back and reread this. Yikes. After some serious edits, the post is now available for your reading pleasure in actual English. My bad.

Go Cubs.

The Tournament of Cubdom

In honor of the tournament, we’re putting together the “Tournament of Cubdom,” which will consist of the sixteen moments we’ve determined are most emblematic of what its like to be a Cubs fan. Every day (or couple of days), we’ll announce a new matchup and you will get to vote on which moment says more about what it’s like to be a Cubs fan. That moment will progress until its determined which moment does the best job of summing up what its like to be a Cubs fan. So, without further adieu, we introduce the brackets:
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In case you couldn't tell from the wonderful image, the seedings are as follows:

1 AGone kicks the ball against Marlins, 2003
2 Santo Snub (ongoing)
3 Sosa hits number 62 (1998)
4 Atlanta Series, Game Five (2003)
5 One Game Playoff (1998)
6 Corey Patterson blows out knee (2003)
7 Ball goes through Leon Durham's legs (1984)
8 Sosa helmet explosion (2004)
9 Prior Collision (2003)
10 AJ/Barrett donnybrook (2006)
11 Nomar Trade (2004)
12 The Fred McGriff Saga (2002)
13 Cubs get screwed out of an extra home game in playoffs (1984)
14 Every Rod Beck/Mitch Williams Save (1998/1989)
15 Glenallen Hill and the spider (2000)
16 Ex-Bear calling out Angel Hernandez during seventh inning stretch (2001)

Stay tuned for the first of our first-round matchups...

SARS

Chalk this one up to poor fantasy drafting. Just the thought of having to root for Johnny Damon's old, washed-up ass for 150ish games this summer caused me to acquire nasty bug that ranked somewhere between complete organ failure and really bad cold over the weekend.

Note to self:
You CANNOT drink away a fever with beer.
DO NOT ATTEMPT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

Needless to say, my sickness and stupidity left me incapacitated over the last few days, so I apologize for the lack of posts. Marty and I have a special NCAA Tournament themed series of blogs coming soon. Check back later today for part one!

Go (cough) Cubs

The Rules for Cubs Fans: 2008 Edition (Part One)

During our time down in Arizona, we came up with a “10 things we don't need to see at Wrigley Field” list. Given the response to that post (which, by the way, will be the basis of the very first “Five Outs to Go” merchandise-woo hoo), I thought it might be a good idea to begin a set of rules that govern our existence as Cubs fans. As the year goes on, we can publish weekly additions to the rules, so please send in all your ideas.

On to part one of what we hope will be many, many more...


Read More...The Rules

General Rules

-Now that Mark Prior is officially off the roster, towel jokes are strictly forbidden.
-Dusty Baker jokes, however, are encouraged.
-TheRiot was a cute nickname in 2006. It doesn’t mean he’s a good player. Act accordingly.
-Every time a pitcher craps the bed, it is not necessarily Larry Rothschild's fault.
-Steve Stone no longer works for the Cubs. Pining over him just makes you look as dumb as that idiot doing the Harry Caray impersonation for Comcast.
-Anything said about the Cubs from a guy on sports radio is probably wrong.
-The following colors are unacceptable for Cubs merchandise of any kind: pink, yellow, black, argyle. In fact, anything other than blue and/or red requires approval from at least one other Cubs fan. EDIT: One other sober Cubs fan.
-New players are required to produce at all-star levels for a minimum of 81 games before you tout said player as the “next Ernie Banks/Ron Santo/Billy Williams/Ryne Sandberg.”
-Conversely, if a player fails to produce for 40 games, he may be referred to as “the next Kevin Orie/Gary Scott/Mike Harkey.”
-That number drops to 5 games if your comments come while watching said player strike out/get lit up during a close and meaningful Cubs game.
-While watching a game with friends, never, ever, ever, ever, ever say anything that implies the Cubs have already won the game until the game is actually over. For chrissake, you’re a Cubs fan. You should know better.

Wrigley-Specific Rules

-For the love of God, tip the beer guy. Nothing’s more pathetic than seeing a guy buy four beers, give the vendor $25 and ask for the silver back.
-There’s a reason those sunglasses on sale across the street from Wrigley are only $5 a pair. Don’t make that mistake.
-Be aware of your surroundings. I understand that Jason Marquis is a douchebag fuckhead asshat. That doesn’t mean the six year old sitting in front of you needs to hear you inform Mr. Marquis of this fact.
-“Its Gonna Happen” was stupid in 2007. It would be ten times dumber in 2008. Let it die its intended death.
-Anything that can be purchased at the stores across from Wrigley can be purchased for twenty percent less at any store throughout the Chicagoland area, thirty percent less on the Internet. Save your money for the warm $6.50 Old Styles.
-When it comes to tickets, craigslist is your friend. Use wisely.
-When you see us walking down Addison as you’re paying $40 to get blocked in parking at Taco Bell, we’re all thinking the same thing: “So this is what it looks like when people actually pay their rapist.” Find a spot on the street a mile away and take the bus. Or the el. Or walk.
--Appreciate the hell out of Wrigley Field this year. Who knows, next season could be U.S. Cellulariffic.

Kosuke Fukudome Specific Rules

-We are aware that the name “Fukudome” can be pronounced “Fuck You Dome.” I know that hilarious guy in your fraternity made that joke at the semi-formal last night, but you don’t need to bring it into the stadium.
-Right field bleacher fans: it was cool to do the “we’re not worthy” thing to Dawson and Sosa. Bowing karate-style to Fukudome is much less cool. Apparently, the only cultural references we have in which to relate to Japanese baseball players come from Jackie Chan movies. Let’s get beyond that one.
-There’s no reason to dislike every Japanese baseball player. Okay, that’s just for our friend Scott.
-Fukudome may not hit .350 right out of the box. He may not hit 50 home runs this season. When attempting to come to grips with this, it would be best to avoid bringing batteries to your seat in the right field bleachers “just in case.”


More to come as the season goes on. We'll try to add to this list as the events of this season progress, so feel free to drop some ideas off in the comments section.

If the War Room's A-Rocking...

Sorry for the lack of posts the last couple of days. We are gearing up for our big fantasy draft tomorrow and I've been locked in my room glued to ESPN.com trying to find out how Marty's all-time favorite manager is going to f#@@ up another fantasy season.

This quote from ESPN.com fantasy expert James Quintong's article sends shivers down my spine:

"If I were relying on Votto and/or Bruce to make a significant impact in the majors this year, I'd be downright terrified. I would also feel somewhat uneasy about Harang, Dunn and Bronson Arroyo."

Eeek!

I wish I could draft a team of ALL players ruined by Baker over the years and then just sit back and watch the wins pile up. What? You're telling me a team anchored by Prior, Wood and Patterson (just to name a few mentioned in the article) wouldn't destroy everyone? Oh, that is what you're telling me? Never mind then.

I hope to post something more substantial later tonight or maybe Marty and I can live-blog the draft (because nothing gets everyone excited quite like reading how someone else's fantasy draft went, blow by tedious blow).

Go Cubs.

Thoughts and Prayers

Hire Jim Essian! has the right idea.

Get well soon, Rick.

Go Cubs.

Bitter, Party of One...Your Table is Ready

So, I was talking to Marty the other day about the blog and he mentioned that I was coming off as somewhat bitter in my posts. An asshole if you will. I was offended of course. I have nothing but the best of hopes for not only the Cubs, but mankind as well. BUT, since he has already pigeon-holed me into this role, I thought...what the hell, let's run with it.

Reason #1 I Think the 2008 Cubs Are Gonna Suck:

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Messing With Team Chemistry

Listen (I know that 'listen' makes no sense when you are in fact reading, but it's a great literary device so sue me), I understand that no one should ever stand pat when there is a chance to make the team better. And I will agree, Brian Roberts would make this team better. But, that being said, nothing is more damaging to a team then screwing with their chemistry.

Whether trade rumors are real or or just something some dumb blogger (READ: Marty) made up makes no difference. Having to answer questions on a daily basis about how you feel about your team going after a guy to take your position can wear on you and your teammates (tack on a heart condition and it gets much worse).

What are the chances that everything stays all harmonious when Brian Roberts comes along and steals a starting spot from a great clubhouse guy like DeRosa? 1 in 1000? 1 in 10,000? All it takes is one bad apple to ruin the bunch (or is it bananas?). Regardless, I'm not saying that Roberts is a bad clubhouse guy, it's just a bad situation to be in no matter who you are.

Don't believe me? Just look at all the great TV shows over the years ruined because someone had to mess with a good thing:

Family Ties
Andy Keaton
Not only did he grow 2 feet in less than a year, he didn't add to the show. Little blonde-headed bastard killed the Keatons for me.

Growing Pains
Luke Brower
As if Chrissy wasn't bad enough, they had to bring on Leo DiCaprio to drive the final nail in. Not soon after he joined the show, Tracey Gold had an eating disorder and Kirk Cameron turned into a Bible-banging weirdo. Coincidence? Yeah, right.

Cosby Show
Olivia Kendall
Raven-Symone proved once and for all that kids in fact NO NOT say the darndest things.

Beverly Hills 90210
Ray Pruitt
We all thought Donna needed a stern talking to, I agree, but NO ONE should have to listen to "How Do You Talk to an Angel." NO ONE.

Saved By the Bell
Tori Scott
Ooooh, she wears a leather jacket AND drives a motorcycle? Scary. Get off my show.

Dukes of Hazzard
Coy and Vance
Er....bad example, those guys kicked ass!

You get the point. Nothing good comes from messing with team chemistry. I say let the guys we have now go out there and get it done. Screw Roberts. AND PLEASE FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, don't pull the trigger on the Coco Crisp trade. Let's just see what we've got and if by the All-Star break it ain't working, then make a move.

That is, unless the plan is Roberts at second and DeRosa at short. If that's the case, please disregard this entire post. Thank you.

Go Cubs.

Someone got a gold star from their copy editor today...

From today's Sun-Times article about Pie's unfortunate injury...

One man's torsion could be another's twist of fate in the Cubs' center-field competition.

Really? That's what you went with? What, you couldn't find a way to work testicular into a headline?

What about just the headline "Nuts." No? Too straightforward?

You sicken me.

More later.

Go Cubs.

I Could Have Just Used the Entire Roster of Major League and Saved 1400 Words

I have an unhealthy addiction to media in all its forms, but especially to movies. My ability to memorize random quotes, characters, and facts from relatively irrelevant movies may serve a purpose in some sad way at a future date, but unless someone starts paying people for being able to recount the lyrics to the Dirk Diggler song in Boogie Nights (You got the Touch! You got the Pow-errr! Yeah!), it’s not doing me a whole lot of good. Until now.
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Given that this is a Cubs blog, the above might seem a bit out of place. But it will make sense eventually, assuming you haven’t already gotten bored and decided to go read about how Matthew McConaughey wants to name his kid Budweiser.

I was discussing the relative merits of Willie Mays Hayes as an outfielder for the Indians (not a good enough OBP, penchant for popping the ball up, etc), and the question of “what fictional players from movies and television would comprise the best baseball team?” arose. The challenge of creating the single greatest fictional team consisting not only of players that don’t really exist, but also have no statistical or quantifiable data to support their inclusion in such a list is just too much for a baseball aficionado (read: bored, no-life blog writer) to ignore. So why not take a crack at it?
However, given that it would be easy to devolve into a debate about which actors played the best roles, or which characters were funniest, its best to establish some rules:

1. The player must be fictional. You can’t use Lou Gehrig in “Pride of the Yankees”-that’s not really in the spirit of the game.
2. You must use the position most mentioned within the film/tv show for that player.
3. Players are rated on their overall ability relative to the movie/tv show they appeared in. That is, the majority of the choices have to do with the fact that these players were considered the best by the “knowledgeable” people in the film. Even though another character might have been better written/acted/whatever, this is solely based upon Fictional Baseball Performance.
4. When I want to break any of the rules above, I can, because I’m writing this column.

One more caveat-I’m going to try and not repeat any movies or television shows. Whether or not that will be possible is debatable, to say the least.

Without further adieu, here are my choices for “All Star Fictional Baseball Players Appearing in Movies or Television Shows” (yeah, the title is a work in progress):

1B: Lou Collins (Little Big League)
Timothy Busfield’s character in “Little Big League” takes the cake in a very weak class of first basemen. I’m quickly learning that infielders are not the money position when it comes to fictional baseball teams.

2B: Tony Micelli (Who’s the Boss)
Ugh…and it keeps getting worse. I guess I’ll go with Tony Micelli here, as he would have been a great one had not that injury and the promising career of Tommy Herr (they actually mentioned this in the show) derailed his dreams. Then again, he does end up with “An-ja-ler” and her huge shoulder pads, and his daughter becomes serial pitcher fucker Alyssa Milano, so life ain’t so bad.

SS: Tanner Boyle (Bad News Bears)
Wow. I got nothing. Little league shortstop…that’s the best I can do? Yikes. Let’s try again…

SS (Take Two): Ed the Monkey (“Ed”)
I know the rules state that the All-Star team is based solely on fictional baseball performance, but I’m giving this to the Monkey because he was, by far, the best actor is this movie (I’m looking at you, LeBlanc). I’m also moving him from third to short, but I think he can make the transition. He’s got the range.

3B: Benny Rodriguez (“The Sandlot”)
“For us, baseball was just a game. For Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, baseball was life.”

CF: Bobby Rayburn (The Fan)
On to the outfield-lots more options here. Rayburn was well known as the best player in the game. He was Barry Bonds before Barry Bonds was Barry Bonds (okay, so the movie was in ’96…it reads better this way). Bonus points for causing Robert DeNiro to go on a murderous rampage.

RF: Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Wonderboy, bitches.

LF: Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)
Probably the weakest choice in the outfield, but I didn’t want to overload this with Indians (or Wesley Snipeses). So he didn’t get 3000 hits. He earns the spot simply for “mmmmm….Denim like a jean.” (Yes, I know that’s a different character and a different movie. See Rule #4)

C: Dottie Hinson (League of Their Own)
The toughest call of all of them-Jake Taylor had the “point to the bleachers, bunt, then almost kill yourself tripping over first base” (he also had the cool Manny Trillo-style helmet), and Crash Davis does hold the all-time minor league record for home runs. But, for the sake of getting as many unique films and/or TV shows in here as possible, I’m going to go with Dottie Hinson. The “catching the ball while doing the splits” is kinda hot, I guess. Plus, she was the best player at the highest level attainable for her, a status to which the others cannot claim. I guess that justifies it…or something. Can you tell I’m trying to talk myself into this one?

SP: Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
Pitcher’s got a big butt. Pitcher’s got a big butt.

SP: Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game)
“Clear the mechanism” needs to be integrated into today’s vernacular as some sort of euphemism for having game at the bars. “She initially blew me off, but I just cleared the mechanism and got her number.” A little douchey? Yeah, probably. Nevermind.

SP: “Nook” LaLoush (Bull Durham)
Not only did he become an all-star, but popularized (although he did not invent) the greatest cliché of all time: “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains. Think about that for awhile.”

SP: Steve Nebraska (The Scout)
100 MPH fastball? Home Runs in every at bat? A name that rivals Johnny Utah and Shane Falco for “Greatest Name for A Fictional Athlete, Ever?” Check, check, and check.

SP: Henry Wiggen (Bang the Drum Slowly)
Was able to overcome the death of his catcher to become a great pitcher and (presumably) a Hall-of-Famer. Added bonus: the story is almost a dead ringer for “Brian’s Song” and, as we all know, the phrase “I love Brian Piccolo. And I’d like all of you to love him too.” causes every male to bawl uncontrollably.

RP: Sam Malone (Cheers)
Mayday had some decent years. He’ll also fill the Mark Grace honorary “I Score Ten Time More off the Field than On It” role for the team. He’ll be good enough for middle relief.

RP: Ricky Vaughn (Major League)
I think you can go get him, now.

That’s all I got.

A few things I’ve noticed about this list. First of all, apparently infielders are not movie-worthy. Turning a double play clearly does not rate with “breathe with your eyes” on the sexy scale. Second, I can’t believe I picked Dottie Hinson over Crash Davis. I’ll turn in the man card on the way out, thanks.

Finally, although it seems like there are endless baseball movies from which to choose, the number of good baseball movies is really minimal, and there really hasn’t been a great one made since 1989. 1989! For the last nineteen years, the cumulative efforts of Hollywood in regard to baseball movies have not equaled the quality of the 14 month period when Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, and Major League were released. Kind of sad, really.

It would be really nice to see Hollywood divert a little of the cash designated for “We’ll Saw your Touristas in the Hostel VIII” and try to give me a reason to waste my time trying to memorize meaningless quotes. Until then, I’m left with a damn monkey as my starting shortstop. I guess I’ve still got the touch. I’ve got the pow-errrr. Yeah.

This Week in the NL Central...

Every time I get worried about how the Cubs are going to do this year, I remind myself of the joke that is the National League Central. The following are actual stories about teams in the NL Central this week:

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The following are stories and/or simple facts that signify the steaming pile of crap that is the NL Central:

The Astros: Kaz Matsui was removed from a February 29th game for hemorrhoids. Fitting for the guy who, had the Astros not out-dumbed the Cubs for his services, would have been a hemorrhoid on the ass of many a Cubs fan for the next three years.

The Cardinals: Albert Pujols' arm is about to fall off, Dave Dravecky-style. Maybe the "best fans in baseball" can magically cure him with their collective baseball intelligence.

The Reds: Still have Dusty Baker as their manager.

The Brewers: Prince Fielder got his contract renewed for $650,000 and he's not happy about it. Couple that with Yovani Gallardo's recent knee surgery, and the Brewers have a very happy clubhouse these days.

The Pirates: The best news of the spring for Pirates' fans is the new "all you can eat" seats in PNC park. Pirates Baseball: What we lack in talent, we more than make up for in the ability to eat until you puke.

It's going to be quite the race...

Other than that, he's great...

ESPN's Jerry Crasnic dropped some knowledge on MLB prospects and had this to say about everyone's favorite 5-tool player, Felix Pie:

Right now Pie has three things to overcome: (1) A swing that's a tad long, (2) a tendency to expand his strike zone too readily and (3) trouble with breaking balls.

(GULP)

Are you kidding me? So, basically he's saying that other than his swing, plate discipline and lack of ability to hit balls that have movement, he's a "phenom." Super.

Go Cubs.

What Happens When Nobody Does Anything Colossally Stupid for a Whole Week

Because no one was dumb enough to demand a starting position after a year in which he had a 5+ ERA, there wasn't much to write about this week. So, of course, being as lazy as I am, I'm going to take the easy route and throw together a number of random thoughts from throughout the last few weeks, with no connections or thread. Impressive, huh? Here goes:
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To build off our blatant oogling of Sean Marshall's wife (nee' Alexis DelChiaro) yesterday, cubs.com has a piece that focuses on the newlyweds' life as “major-league pitcher and hot newscaster wife.” I think Sarah Wood just got replaced in the pole position for “yet another reason why professional baseball players are the luckiest bastards on the planet.” Gotta break this one down into a few separate thoughts:

First of all, under the story's headline, link two presents an option to “customize a Marshall jersey today.” You think I could get a “DelChiaro 45” jersey? Just so we're clear on who we're rooting for...

Furthermore, I simply don't care what Sean Marshall does on the field-would I rather watch Marshall get lit up from time to time while the possibility remains of seeing “hot newscaster wife,” or would I rather watch Jason Marquis get lit up every time and be forced to look at his hobbit-like face on a regular basis?

I guess that's enough on her, although I reserve the right to bring her back during any slow news week this season...

ANYWAY...

The most enjoyable old-guys-are-funny moment I had during Spring Training was when speaking with a guy (about 70-75 or so) about the Cubs and hearing him refer unintentionally, but continuously, to Alfonso Soriano as “Cerrano.” I could have corrected him, but, you know, it actually makes more sense. He hit straight ball very nice, but curve ball...bat afraid.

Bobby Scales and Wellington Castillo were both cut this week, but instead of going over to minor league camp, they were sent to Iowa to “wait until camp moves there.” Let's see, so you've crapped on my major league dream AND made me move from Arizona to that bastion of cosmopolitan life, Des Moines, Iowa? That's kinda like getting kicked in the nuts, and then...well...getting sent to Iowa.

So the Reds signed Paul Bako, Kent Merker, Corey Patterson, and Jerry Hairston. It would have been so much more fun if Steve Stone would have gone to Cincinnati to be their color man. That train wreck would have gotten so much more train wreckier.

Speaking of my new favorite team, the question was asked yesterday whether or not Darren Baker would be in the dugout with the Reds this year. He's got to be too old for this now, right? Its getting to the point of being uncomfortable. Like “Ronnie Woo-Woo uncomfortable.” I'm waiting for the day when a 21-year old Darren sits on his dad's lap during a press conference to deflect the hard questions Dusty might get from the big-bad reporters. It would be great, though, to see a 55 year old J.T. Snow swoop onto the field and save him from getting drilled by yet another player sliding into home.

This week was totally bereft of good Cubs/news/entertainment stories. The biggest story of the week was that Michelle Rodriguez would be starring in the new Fast and the Furious 4. I'm assuming the subtitle of that film will be “.08”.

When Piniella got all angry about the Cubs blowing leads this week, I couldn't help but wonder how he would react when players who might actually sniff the major leagues sometime in the next five years start blowing games. I'm pretty sure that if Shingo Takatsu is out there blowing saves for the Cubs in July, then either (a.) some tragedy has befallen the 15 guys ahead of him on the depth chart, or (b.) Fukudome's interpreter quit and they needed a last-minute replacement.

I was at Lebowski Fest here in Chicago this weekend. I need some jelly shoes. And a marmot.

I Knew I LOVED Charity

Sean Marshall's wife was on the WGN broadcast today talking about a Cubs Care event the wives are hosting in AZ. Wow. This pick doesn't even do her justice. Someone is playing above his head, apparently.

The guys over at serafinisays were quick to the draw in giving her a little backstory.

Props to these guys for giving me the 411.

I think I need to change my vote in the poll.

Go Cubs.

Guest Post: Walks Clog Bases Edition

Good friend of ours here at FOTG found this quote before Marty and I did, so I thought instead of just stealing the info and claiming it for myself, I'd give credit where credit is due.

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From Brent's email (emphasis added by me):

I was going to put this quote from Dusty Baker (And subsequent analysis from ESPN.com) in the comments section of the blog, but I didn't think enough people would see it. To make it more fun for you the reader, please envision Marty's face and subsequent reaction as Dusty explains essentially "why walks clog bases":

"He needs to swing some more. I talked to him about that. ... I think a lot of this on-base percentage is taking away some of the aggressiveness of some of the young kids to swing the bat." The "he" Baker is referring to is Joey Votto, though the skipper lumped "three true outcomes" slugger Adam Dunn into the discussion later. Apparently Baker doesn't understand the value of Votto's patience; he's a .385 career on-base performer for his minor league career an approach that was responsible for him registering a .321 batting average and .908 OPS in 24 games of a late-season call-up for the Reds. Votto really doesn't need to change, but allow this to serve as the first official indication that he doesn't quite fall in line with the Baker game plan. It's a very real worry that youngsters might suffer in the Baker regime, and with contact hitter Scott Hatteberg his competition, Votto could by all rights be Triple-A bound.

To quote the Sports Guy...I am without speech.

Go Cubs.

UPDATE:

I forgot to add Marty's response to that email.

Instead of giving my usual disbelief about how this guy just doesn't learn and how much more fun its going to be to watch him do what he does to a team that's not the Cubs, I'll give you a quote from Baker that was in another article I read about him this spring:

Baker said he sometimes sits in his office staring into space, pondering and pontificating over things of this nature, "And sometime I just sit here and nothing comes."

Truer words were never spoken.

Go Cubs.

Rock the Vote?

Seen on ESPN's Page 2...


Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Friends Don't Let Friends Google Drunk

Remember the good old days? When you could go to a bar and get in an argument about some random sports-related fact and not actually settle the fight until someone got home and looked it up on the Internet? You could yell at your friends for hours, screaming about how much Charles Barkley weighed coming out of college or what number Doug Flutie wore in the CFL without having to worry about being proven wrong that night. It was a great feeling. You could say outlandish things like:

"I believe Vinny 'The Microwave" Johnson led the NBA in assist-to-turnover ratio in 1986."

and while your friends could argue with you, no one could prove you wrong. Good times.

Not anymore. With the advancement of cell phones and/or the frequency of laptops being at the bar increasing tenfold since someone got there very own Macbook, all the answers are now a few clicks away. Arguments are over before they even get started. Screaming matches turn to Google searches and we all die a little inside. Sad.

That being said, I thought I'd just take you through the arguments we had last night at the bar as the Google searches that ended them. No explanation, just a list of what we looked up to settle an argument of some sort. If it appears like we were either a) drunk or b) talking about random topics with no segue, well...I guess both are probably true. Sad thing is, these "arguments" came one after another without pauses for nearly 2 solid hours. Needless to say the Illini-MSU game was not holding our interest. Enjoy.

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Kareem Abdul Jabar's Height
Wilt Height
Yao Ming Height
Shaq's Height
7 foot 4 NBA Players
Forbes Richest
Warren Buffett
Jimmy Buffett
Quad Cities Real Estate
El Pollo Loco
Fire Bruce Weber
Fire Mike Anderson
Fire Tom Izzo
Tom Izzo's Record
Champ Boss Bailey
Sean Bailey UGA
Is Sean Bailey Brother of Champ Boss Bailey?
Noah Lowry Injury
External Compartment Syndrome

The last one is I believe what is keeping Noah Lowry from pitching at the moment (and the front runner for my fantasy baseball team name) in case you cared.

And yes, I am in fact a tool.

Go Cubs.

Being Carrie Muskat

I like to read the “Q & A” section of Parade magazine, simply because the questions are so obviously canned. They all end up some variation of the following:
Q: “I remember that Frank Stallone being a pretty solid actor. Where is he these days?”
A: “WHAT A COINCIDENCE! He just happens to have a movie opening up this weekend. He's doing great, by the way.”
This is why the questions to Carrie Muskat at cubs.com enthrall me so much. The questions are usually so ridiculously inane that they certainly couldn't have been thought up by actual fans who, you know, actually watch the team.
So, in an effort to adhere to my role as sarcastic observer of all things Cub, I am going to reproduce the most recent mailbag received by Ms. Muskat at cubs.com and replace her answers with answers I think are more appropriate, given the question. And so...

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I keep reading about the competition between Felix Pie and Fuld for center field. Most Cubs fans have seen what Pie can do, but the only argument for Fuld, while it was an amazing play, was his great catch against the ivy last year. Why does no one bring up his offensive ability? What are the scouting reports on his hitting?
-- Ryan O., New Orleans

His career would have most certainly taken off had he not been hit in the head on the first pitch he ever saw in the big leagues. That was Adam Greenberg? Oh, yeah. Well, he's a lot like that Greenberg kid, but without the cool “Moonlight Graham”-like backstory. So, in answer to your original question, he's no good.

Is Soto the real deal? I have talked to several Cubs fans who feel the team is weak behind the plate right now, and if the club were to trade for anyone, it should be a more established catcher.
-- Nathan C., Amarillo, Texas

The people you are speaking with are idiots. And furthermore, don’t hide behind the phrase “I have talked to several Cubs fans who feel…” Just say that you feel that Soto isn’t the real deal, which, by the way, is a dumb statement. And please don't ask for a guy just because he's “established.” Paul Bako is established. The word “established” is like using the word “veteran,” that is, it means “this guy made enough friends in the front office so that the team refuses to acknowledge his obvious suckitude.”

Am I the only one who remembers how well Mike Fontenot hit last year when he got the chance to play every day? His defense was suspect, but he's a productive hitter. He's got a short, quick, compact stroke. He sparks the offense, moves runners and swings left-handed. Why is he being overlooked?
-- Jacob P., Ames, Iowa

This letter might break the record for “most irrelevant platitudes made about a baseball player within the course of three sentences.” If, by “productive,” you mean short, white, and bad at baseball, you’ve got it down. If by “sparks the offense,” you mean “makes lots of outs,” you’ve nailed it. But hey, he does swing left handed.

I read that the CEO of the Tribune Co. won't hesitate to sell the naming rights of Wrigley Field. I think I speak for all Cubs fans when I say this would be nothing short of a tragedy. Is there really a good chance they will rename Wrigley Field? Please tell me no.
-- Mark M., Des Moines

The word tragedy should be reserved for events that are so awful and affect so many people that their impact is felt for generations. Things like genocides, terrorist acts, and Scientology. The renaming of Wrigley Field won’t be a tragedy-it will just be an excuse for some dope to make a couple hundred thousand dollars off a “I Still Call it Wrigley” t-shirt.

I understand that Fukudome will have a translator with him off the field, but what about his communication with teammates and coaches on the field? Baseball is an international language, but how will the language barrier affect him during play -- either in right field or on the bases? And, as the leader of the outfield and potential starter in center, is this something else that Felix Pie will have to worry about this year?
-- Scott O., DeMotte, Ind.

There are so many things to think about as an outfielder:
1. Don't let the ball hit you in the face.
2. When it comes to you, throw it back in.

I don't know how Fukudome is going to possibly adapt.

As far as hitting goes, I really hope Fukudome doesn't run to third after hitting a pitch because, you know, he's Japanese. And Felix...oh boy, Felix...he's going to have to teach poor Asian Fukudome such advanced English as “I got it,” and the even harder “You got it.” I wouldn't be surprised to see Bill James predict at least a 50 point drop off in both their batting averages due to the stress of this obviously terrifying and horrible experience. I'm sure someone's already writing up the letter in which they deem this situation a tragedy, too.

Crafty Veterans or Just Old Guys Who Suck?

I happened to turn on the TV a few nights ago just in time to catch this great exchange from Major League.


Rick Vaughn: What's that shit on your chest?
Eddie Harris: [wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco?Eddie Harris: [wiping it across his waist line]
Eddie Harris: Bardol?
Eddie Harris: [wiping it along his head]
Eddie Harris: Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeo up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just...
Eddie Harris: [wipes his nose]
Eddie Harris: ...wipe my nose.
Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Eddie Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

That little gem usually has me rolling, but then I had a horrible realization...

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Holy crap, I can actually picture two if not three possible starters for the Cubs this year uttering those words.

Hold on while I go find a quiet corner to weep.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but after the big two (Z and Lilly) there is a lot to be desired about this group of pitchers (and I'm not even going to start on Rich Hill).

Let's say that everything plays out as planned and the rotation looks something like this on Opening Day.

Lilly (Z always craps the bed on Opening Day so I'm giving it to Teddy)
Z
Dempster
Hill
Lieber

If it's 1998, that's a great group of veterans to go with our young pitchers. Unfortunately, it's 2008. Am I supposed to believe that I can expect 10+ wins each from a starter/closer/budding stand-up comedian and a 37 year-old vet coming off reconstructive achilles surgery? Really? I shouldn't be worried?

I know what some of you are saying. Whoever wins that spot between Lieber and (gulp) Marquis is just keeping it warm for Marshall. Great. I feel so much better now. Sean had decent numbers for part of the year last year, but does he really strike anyone as the answer for our 5th starter over a whole season? Can you picture yourself looking at the paper on game day and thinking, "Thank God we've got Marshall going today!" Can you? Well, can you? It isn't rhetorical! I really want to know.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just looking for the storm clouds early, but the thought of having to rely on some combination of Marquis/Lieber/Marshall in the middle of the year when Z decides to lose 4 straight or Lilly wears down gives me IBS.

Anyone else worried? Bueller?

Go Cubs.

UPDATE: BTW, that's the ONLY picture I could find of "Ed Harris." If anyone can find one that is less creepy, please leave it in Comments. Thanks.

Go Cubs.

Reds Sign Corey Patterson and Jerry Hairston Jr.

If you've had your fantasy draft already and took a flier on Joey Votto, Homer Bailey, or Jay Bruce, it might be time to consider a trade. The wrath of Dusty has begun.

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I can't wait for him to justify sitting the terrific young talent the Reds have in favor of perennial all-stars like Norris Hopper and Jerry Hairston, Jr. Adam Dunn? Sorry, son, you clog the bases. Its C-Pat time.

Its really too bad that Neifi signed that minor league deal with the Rockies (presumably so he could retire with the team and thus wear a Rockies cap when he's inducted to the Hall of Fame). He could have saved the Reds like he "saved" the Cubs in 2005.

I'm going to enjoy the hell out of every Cubs-Reds game this year. I need to get some wristbands.

Insert 98 Degrees Joke Here

This is what happens when WGN isn't broadcasting the game. Everyone's favorite former boy band member, Nick Lachey, is being interviewed by the Mariners play-by-play guy. Not sure why. He did provide quite a boost for the Cubs as they scored 3 times while he was rambling on about how he was an average baseball player. Cactus League Baseball, it's fantastic!

Go Cubs.

Random things read/heard about Felix Pie from Sunday’s Game That Cannot be Made Funnier By Us

“Felix Pie missed time earlier in Spring Training because of a twisted testicle.”

“Felix is swinging the bat much better in Spring Training. I’ve been asking around about how he’s more erect.”

I got nothin'...

Sports Fans and the Guy Who Hates Them

In case anyone cares, I DO have the Cubs game on at the bar today. Thank the lord for small miracles. Unfortunately, I don’t have sound thanks to the sudden appearance of 2 billion Louisville fans.

I realize that I have been complaining about fans of college basketball the last few posts, so I wanted to mention that I do love college basketball. But with it being a “down” decade or so for my Missouri Tigers and the only other team I actually follow being just a hair above “so bad it hurts to watch” (I’m looking at you, Illinois), I’ve had a bit of disconnect with this year’s teams. However, what I am fully connected to, mostly because of my drinking problem, is fans in sports bars. 90% of them are annoying on a level that makes me wonder how they function outside the sports bar crowd at all. Some of my “favorites.”

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The Over Clapper Guy
Look, I understand, you LOVE anything Poly Tech does. It’s a given. But clapping for EVERY play is a tad excessive. Clapping should be reserved for high-flying dunks, hand-in-the-face threes, game-tying buckets and timeouts. That’s it. That’s the list. Clapping for every near steal, free throw made (or missed), good pass, 24 second violation or other random event on the court does not need your hand-related enthusiasm. So stop it.

The Someone’s a Big Fan of the Team Store Guy
Here’s the deal. In my humble opinion, you can never own enough team gear. Hats, jackets, shirts, sweaters, figurines, whatever. Problem is, you don’t get to wear it all at once. Rule of thumb. If you look in the mirror and count more than 2 items on your body that show your allegiance, that’s about two too many. A simple shirt or hat does the trick. No one is going to look at you in your team-colored Zoobaz, matching hip pack, sweatshirt, hat and button and think, “Now that guy’s a fan!” What they will think is, “Now that guy’s an embarrassment to himself and those around him.” Moderation, friends. Moderation.

The What Do You Mean the Bar Doesn’t Double As a Day Care Center?…Guy
I get it. The wife let you go out to watch the big game with one caveat, you have to take care of the kid. The problem is, he’s four and he’s kind of an asshole. That doesn’t give you the right, however, to basically make him community property. We’re all here to watch a game or three, not become surrogate parents to your kid. Simply giving him a dollar for Golden Tee is in fact, not what we call parenting. All we ask is that you try to keep him near you and relatively quiet. His constant screaming, chair-kicking and running around like a nut job may fly at home, but at the bar, he’s one wrong move from a misplaced elbow or knee. You’ve been warned.

That’s it for now. Yes, I’m bitter. But, when you spend half your life at sports bars, things start to drive you bat fucking crazy.
Feel free to leave your own “favorites” in the comments.
CUBS RELATED: DeRosa back in Mesa makes me smile. So does another Pie homer. Neal Cotts, however, needs a trip behind the woodshed. Or his papers.

Go Cubs.

Did I Catch a Niner in There?

Since I’m blowing off the work I’m supposed to be doing right now because of lure of Tommy Boy on TBS, I thought I’d describe today’s first Cubs broadcast using lines from the film.
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“My dad just died, I’m horrible at this, and every time I’m driving, I want to jerk the wheel into a bridge embankment…”

-For Jason Marquis, who not only pitched like Jason Marquis (i.e. awful), but also managed to mouth off about how he, if not a starting pitcher this year, didn’t want to be a Cub. And to think, the Cubs are paying him more this year than the combined salaries of Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, and Jake Peavy. That’s Chan Ho Park-a-riffic.

“Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.”

-For Lou Piniella’s response to Marquis’ request. He was none too pleased, breaking off a response about Kerry Wood’s not-so-hot outing to take a shot at Marquis.

“Why do you always have to de-turd these things?”

-For the Cubs’ 27 Yankees-like lineup today, consisting of:

Pie
Fontenot
Fox
Hoffpauir
Murton
Soto
Cintron
Cedeno
Fuld

Comcast had to be thrilled about that one for their first broadcast of the season.

“Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Customer: What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow.”

-For virtually all the Cubs who were asked to comment on the non-story that was the potential Wrigley Field name change. There haven’t been that many confusing non sequitors and bad analogies since Ron Santo’s last broadcast…which was today, I guess. Nevermind.

‘Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.”

-For Daryle Ward, who continues to possess a combination of girth and cheerfulness that rivals only Santa Claus. Don’t stop l-i-v-i-n’, Daryle.

"Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: Why?"

-For me, who actually spent valuable TiVo space to record a Spring Training game. I think I knocked “Stripes” off my TiVo. Great.

Thy Name is Douche

So, I made it to the bar to watch my Cubs on TV for the first time. I ask my bartender, who I know quite well, to turn it on and he says he can't. Why? Because this douche bag at the bar "wants to see basketball on every TV in his viewing area." I wish I was making that up.

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So, for those of you unfamiliar with my local watering hole (Finley Dunnes), that means he is now in control of 6 42" plasmas. Marquette game. Check. G. Tech. Yep. Wichita v. Drake. Of course. And don't forget the always entertaining Purdue/Northwestern slug fest. So, instead of basking in the glory of a meaningless, yet mesmerizing game of Cactus League baseball, I'm stuck watching crappy men's basketball. Good one, God. You got me.

What's the opposite of good times? Oh yeah. Not good times.

Go Cubs.

UPDATE: Got to see Marquette blow a game, so the days not a total wash.

UPDATE #2: From what I can tell watching the "live" box score, Kerry gave up a 3 run shot to Toriiiiii. Awesome.

Go Cubs.

Go Cubs.

New Web Address

For all our regular regular readers (well, both of our regular readers), I thought I'd point out that we have a new address here on the internets. So if typing out that .blogspot address has just become too arduous and time consuming, and you need your dose of our hard hitting analysis NOW, you can simply type:

http://www.fiveoutstogo.com

Four Hours, Thirty-Seven minutes and Twenty Two Seconds Until Len and Bob...

First Cubs game on TV today. Woo-hoo! I’m sure either Jason or I will have plenty to say about it (if it’s Jason, you can count on plenty of vaguely sexual references to Geovany Soto’s catching position), but since I haven’t posted in awhile, I thought I’d throw some thoughts down about my new kinda-sorta-favorite-no-not-really TV show.

While in Arizona, I watched at least four episodes of season three of “Pros versus Joes” on Spike TV. The premise is essentially that three washed up athletes get to beat the piss out of three wannabe athletes for a few hours in various sports. All of this is “narrated” by quite possibly the most annoying sports-related television personality I’ve ever seen. Yet the show is incredibly compelling, and it has a lot more to do with the “Joes” than with the “Pros.”

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Even though there are minimal interviews with each of the Joes, it becomes pretty obvious that these are the guys who take things a bit too seriously. They’re the guy who takes a walk in a co-ed softball game, or whines at the ref just long enough to make the rest of his teammates uncomfortable in the flag football game. Granted, this is coming from the guy who has been banned from commenting on any aspects of his wife’s softball performance within an hour before or after any weekend softball contest. However, there’s a recognition among even guys as borderline-too-intense as I am that, once the game is over, we’re not actual athletes, and we go back to being the semi-unathletic sarcastic observers of the real ones. Unfortunately, the Joes on this show have never given up the dream.

This is what makes the show so much fun. For an hour, you get to see the guy who takes his MVP of the rec league just a little too seriously get the shit beaten out of him by professional athletes who (a.) are old enough, and have had enough surgeries that they walk around like Forrest Gump before he got the braces off, and (b.) might as well end every contest by saying “so, when do I get paid for this crap?” The professional athletes (who clearly stopped caring about their physical well-being about 3 seconds after the retirement papers were signed) utterly destroy the Joes in every way imaginable, and barely break a sweat. This is exactly what everyone else in the softball or flag football league wants to see, and watching the archetype for every annoying wannabe I’ve ever encountered on a field (some of whom were on teams with me) get not only physically, but mentally destroyed by a real professional athlete makes us feel better than David Silver when he finally sealed the deal with Donna.

But I guess that’s all reality TV is: a chance for people to vicariously take out their frustrations on the people they dislike. From Puck to Johnny Fairplay to the Joes, we viewers get to slap around the archetype of the guy on the field or in our building who just utterly and completely annoys the crap out of us. Sure its nice when the million dollars gets paid out to the person who really played fair on Survivor or when Flavor really finds love (again), but we don’t watch for that reason. We watch to see that douchebag who calls charges in the pickup basketball game get speared by the steroid-riddled corpse of Bill Romanowski. Long live sports. And vindictiveness.