I Could Have Just Used the Entire Roster of Major League and Saved 1400 Words

I have an unhealthy addiction to media in all its forms, but especially to movies. My ability to memorize random quotes, characters, and facts from relatively irrelevant movies may serve a purpose in some sad way at a future date, but unless someone starts paying people for being able to recount the lyrics to the Dirk Diggler song in Boogie Nights (You got the Touch! You got the Pow-errr! Yeah!), it’s not doing me a whole lot of good. Until now.
Read More...I Could Have...

Given that this is a Cubs blog, the above might seem a bit out of place. But it will make sense eventually, assuming you haven’t already gotten bored and decided to go read about how Matthew McConaughey wants to name his kid Budweiser.

I was discussing the relative merits of Willie Mays Hayes as an outfielder for the Indians (not a good enough OBP, penchant for popping the ball up, etc), and the question of “what fictional players from movies and television would comprise the best baseball team?” arose. The challenge of creating the single greatest fictional team consisting not only of players that don’t really exist, but also have no statistical or quantifiable data to support their inclusion in such a list is just too much for a baseball aficionado (read: bored, no-life blog writer) to ignore. So why not take a crack at it?
However, given that it would be easy to devolve into a debate about which actors played the best roles, or which characters were funniest, its best to establish some rules:

1. The player must be fictional. You can’t use Lou Gehrig in “Pride of the Yankees”-that’s not really in the spirit of the game.
2. You must use the position most mentioned within the film/tv show for that player.
3. Players are rated on their overall ability relative to the movie/tv show they appeared in. That is, the majority of the choices have to do with the fact that these players were considered the best by the “knowledgeable” people in the film. Even though another character might have been better written/acted/whatever, this is solely based upon Fictional Baseball Performance.
4. When I want to break any of the rules above, I can, because I’m writing this column.

One more caveat-I’m going to try and not repeat any movies or television shows. Whether or not that will be possible is debatable, to say the least.

Without further adieu, here are my choices for “All Star Fictional Baseball Players Appearing in Movies or Television Shows” (yeah, the title is a work in progress):

1B: Lou Collins (Little Big League)
Timothy Busfield’s character in “Little Big League” takes the cake in a very weak class of first basemen. I’m quickly learning that infielders are not the money position when it comes to fictional baseball teams.

2B: Tony Micelli (Who’s the Boss)
Ugh…and it keeps getting worse. I guess I’ll go with Tony Micelli here, as he would have been a great one had not that injury and the promising career of Tommy Herr (they actually mentioned this in the show) derailed his dreams. Then again, he does end up with “An-ja-ler” and her huge shoulder pads, and his daughter becomes serial pitcher fucker Alyssa Milano, so life ain’t so bad.

SS: Tanner Boyle (Bad News Bears)
Wow. I got nothing. Little league shortstop…that’s the best I can do? Yikes. Let’s try again…

SS (Take Two): Ed the Monkey (“Ed”)
I know the rules state that the All-Star team is based solely on fictional baseball performance, but I’m giving this to the Monkey because he was, by far, the best actor is this movie (I’m looking at you, LeBlanc). I’m also moving him from third to short, but I think he can make the transition. He’s got the range.

3B: Benny Rodriguez (“The Sandlot”)
“For us, baseball was just a game. For Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, baseball was life.”

CF: Bobby Rayburn (The Fan)
On to the outfield-lots more options here. Rayburn was well known as the best player in the game. He was Barry Bonds before Barry Bonds was Barry Bonds (okay, so the movie was in ’96…it reads better this way). Bonus points for causing Robert DeNiro to go on a murderous rampage.

RF: Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Wonderboy, bitches.

LF: Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)
Probably the weakest choice in the outfield, but I didn’t want to overload this with Indians (or Wesley Snipeses). So he didn’t get 3000 hits. He earns the spot simply for “mmmmm….Denim like a jean.” (Yes, I know that’s a different character and a different movie. See Rule #4)

C: Dottie Hinson (League of Their Own)
The toughest call of all of them-Jake Taylor had the “point to the bleachers, bunt, then almost kill yourself tripping over first base” (he also had the cool Manny Trillo-style helmet), and Crash Davis does hold the all-time minor league record for home runs. But, for the sake of getting as many unique films and/or TV shows in here as possible, I’m going to go with Dottie Hinson. The “catching the ball while doing the splits” is kinda hot, I guess. Plus, she was the best player at the highest level attainable for her, a status to which the others cannot claim. I guess that justifies it…or something. Can you tell I’m trying to talk myself into this one?

SP: Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
Pitcher’s got a big butt. Pitcher’s got a big butt.

SP: Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game)
“Clear the mechanism” needs to be integrated into today’s vernacular as some sort of euphemism for having game at the bars. “She initially blew me off, but I just cleared the mechanism and got her number.” A little douchey? Yeah, probably. Nevermind.

SP: “Nook” LaLoush (Bull Durham)
Not only did he become an all-star, but popularized (although he did not invent) the greatest cliché of all time: “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains. Think about that for awhile.”

SP: Steve Nebraska (The Scout)
100 MPH fastball? Home Runs in every at bat? A name that rivals Johnny Utah and Shane Falco for “Greatest Name for A Fictional Athlete, Ever?” Check, check, and check.

SP: Henry Wiggen (Bang the Drum Slowly)
Was able to overcome the death of his catcher to become a great pitcher and (presumably) a Hall-of-Famer. Added bonus: the story is almost a dead ringer for “Brian’s Song” and, as we all know, the phrase “I love Brian Piccolo. And I’d like all of you to love him too.” causes every male to bawl uncontrollably.

RP: Sam Malone (Cheers)
Mayday had some decent years. He’ll also fill the Mark Grace honorary “I Score Ten Time More off the Field than On It” role for the team. He’ll be good enough for middle relief.

RP: Ricky Vaughn (Major League)
I think you can go get him, now.

That’s all I got.

A few things I’ve noticed about this list. First of all, apparently infielders are not movie-worthy. Turning a double play clearly does not rate with “breathe with your eyes” on the sexy scale. Second, I can’t believe I picked Dottie Hinson over Crash Davis. I’ll turn in the man card on the way out, thanks.

Finally, although it seems like there are endless baseball movies from which to choose, the number of good baseball movies is really minimal, and there really hasn’t been a great one made since 1989. 1989! For the last nineteen years, the cumulative efforts of Hollywood in regard to baseball movies have not equaled the quality of the 14 month period when Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, and Major League were released. Kind of sad, really.

It would be really nice to see Hollywood divert a little of the cash designated for “We’ll Saw your Touristas in the Hostel VIII” and try to give me a reason to waste my time trying to memorize meaningless quotes. Until then, I’m left with a damn monkey as my starting shortstop. I guess I’ve still got the touch. I’ve got the pow-errrr. Yeah.