Did I Catch a Niner in There?

Since I’m blowing off the work I’m supposed to be doing right now because of lure of Tommy Boy on TBS, I thought I’d describe today’s first Cubs broadcast using lines from the film.
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“My dad just died, I’m horrible at this, and every time I’m driving, I want to jerk the wheel into a bridge embankment…”

-For Jason Marquis, who not only pitched like Jason Marquis (i.e. awful), but also managed to mouth off about how he, if not a starting pitcher this year, didn’t want to be a Cub. And to think, the Cubs are paying him more this year than the combined salaries of Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, and Jake Peavy. That’s Chan Ho Park-a-riffic.

“Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.”

-For Lou Piniella’s response to Marquis’ request. He was none too pleased, breaking off a response about Kerry Wood’s not-so-hot outing to take a shot at Marquis.

“Why do you always have to de-turd these things?”

-For the Cubs’ 27 Yankees-like lineup today, consisting of:

Pie
Fontenot
Fox
Hoffpauir
Murton
Soto
Cintron
Cedeno
Fuld

Comcast had to be thrilled about that one for their first broadcast of the season.

“Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Customer: What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow.”

-For virtually all the Cubs who were asked to comment on the non-story that was the potential Wrigley Field name change. There haven’t been that many confusing non sequitors and bad analogies since Ron Santo’s last broadcast…which was today, I guess. Nevermind.

‘Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.”

-For Daryle Ward, who continues to possess a combination of girth and cheerfulness that rivals only Santa Claus. Don’t stop l-i-v-i-n’, Daryle.

"Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: Why?"

-For me, who actually spent valuable TiVo space to record a Spring Training game. I think I knocked “Stripes” off my TiVo. Great.