The Rules for Cubs Fans: 2008 Edition (Part One)

During our time down in Arizona, we came up with a “10 things we don't need to see at Wrigley Field” list. Given the response to that post (which, by the way, will be the basis of the very first “Five Outs to Go” merchandise-woo hoo), I thought it might be a good idea to begin a set of rules that govern our existence as Cubs fans. As the year goes on, we can publish weekly additions to the rules, so please send in all your ideas.

On to part one of what we hope will be many, many more...


Read More...The Rules

General Rules

-Now that Mark Prior is officially off the roster, towel jokes are strictly forbidden.
-Dusty Baker jokes, however, are encouraged.
-TheRiot was a cute nickname in 2006. It doesn’t mean he’s a good player. Act accordingly.
-Every time a pitcher craps the bed, it is not necessarily Larry Rothschild's fault.
-Steve Stone no longer works for the Cubs. Pining over him just makes you look as dumb as that idiot doing the Harry Caray impersonation for Comcast.
-Anything said about the Cubs from a guy on sports radio is probably wrong.
-The following colors are unacceptable for Cubs merchandise of any kind: pink, yellow, black, argyle. In fact, anything other than blue and/or red requires approval from at least one other Cubs fan. EDIT: One other sober Cubs fan.
-New players are required to produce at all-star levels for a minimum of 81 games before you tout said player as the “next Ernie Banks/Ron Santo/Billy Williams/Ryne Sandberg.”
-Conversely, if a player fails to produce for 40 games, he may be referred to as “the next Kevin Orie/Gary Scott/Mike Harkey.”
-That number drops to 5 games if your comments come while watching said player strike out/get lit up during a close and meaningful Cubs game.
-While watching a game with friends, never, ever, ever, ever, ever say anything that implies the Cubs have already won the game until the game is actually over. For chrissake, you’re a Cubs fan. You should know better.

Wrigley-Specific Rules

-For the love of God, tip the beer guy. Nothing’s more pathetic than seeing a guy buy four beers, give the vendor $25 and ask for the silver back.
-There’s a reason those sunglasses on sale across the street from Wrigley are only $5 a pair. Don’t make that mistake.
-Be aware of your surroundings. I understand that Jason Marquis is a douchebag fuckhead asshat. That doesn’t mean the six year old sitting in front of you needs to hear you inform Mr. Marquis of this fact.
-“Its Gonna Happen” was stupid in 2007. It would be ten times dumber in 2008. Let it die its intended death.
-Anything that can be purchased at the stores across from Wrigley can be purchased for twenty percent less at any store throughout the Chicagoland area, thirty percent less on the Internet. Save your money for the warm $6.50 Old Styles.
-When it comes to tickets, craigslist is your friend. Use wisely.
-When you see us walking down Addison as you’re paying $40 to get blocked in parking at Taco Bell, we’re all thinking the same thing: “So this is what it looks like when people actually pay their rapist.” Find a spot on the street a mile away and take the bus. Or the el. Or walk.
--Appreciate the hell out of Wrigley Field this year. Who knows, next season could be U.S. Cellulariffic.

Kosuke Fukudome Specific Rules

-We are aware that the name “Fukudome” can be pronounced “Fuck You Dome.” I know that hilarious guy in your fraternity made that joke at the semi-formal last night, but you don’t need to bring it into the stadium.
-Right field bleacher fans: it was cool to do the “we’re not worthy” thing to Dawson and Sosa. Bowing karate-style to Fukudome is much less cool. Apparently, the only cultural references we have in which to relate to Japanese baseball players come from Jackie Chan movies. Let’s get beyond that one.
-There’s no reason to dislike every Japanese baseball player. Okay, that’s just for our friend Scott.
-Fukudome may not hit .350 right out of the box. He may not hit 50 home runs this season. When attempting to come to grips with this, it would be best to avoid bringing batteries to your seat in the right field bleachers “just in case.”


More to come as the season goes on. We'll try to add to this list as the events of this season progress, so feel free to drop some ideas off in the comments section.