Being Carrie Muskat

I like to read the “Q & A” section of Parade magazine, simply because the questions are so obviously canned. They all end up some variation of the following:
Q: “I remember that Frank Stallone being a pretty solid actor. Where is he these days?”
A: “WHAT A COINCIDENCE! He just happens to have a movie opening up this weekend. He's doing great, by the way.”
This is why the questions to Carrie Muskat at cubs.com enthrall me so much. The questions are usually so ridiculously inane that they certainly couldn't have been thought up by actual fans who, you know, actually watch the team.
So, in an effort to adhere to my role as sarcastic observer of all things Cub, I am going to reproduce the most recent mailbag received by Ms. Muskat at cubs.com and replace her answers with answers I think are more appropriate, given the question. And so...

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I keep reading about the competition between Felix Pie and Fuld for center field. Most Cubs fans have seen what Pie can do, but the only argument for Fuld, while it was an amazing play, was his great catch against the ivy last year. Why does no one bring up his offensive ability? What are the scouting reports on his hitting?
-- Ryan O., New Orleans

His career would have most certainly taken off had he not been hit in the head on the first pitch he ever saw in the big leagues. That was Adam Greenberg? Oh, yeah. Well, he's a lot like that Greenberg kid, but without the cool “Moonlight Graham”-like backstory. So, in answer to your original question, he's no good.

Is Soto the real deal? I have talked to several Cubs fans who feel the team is weak behind the plate right now, and if the club were to trade for anyone, it should be a more established catcher.
-- Nathan C., Amarillo, Texas

The people you are speaking with are idiots. And furthermore, don’t hide behind the phrase “I have talked to several Cubs fans who feel…” Just say that you feel that Soto isn’t the real deal, which, by the way, is a dumb statement. And please don't ask for a guy just because he's “established.” Paul Bako is established. The word “established” is like using the word “veteran,” that is, it means “this guy made enough friends in the front office so that the team refuses to acknowledge his obvious suckitude.”

Am I the only one who remembers how well Mike Fontenot hit last year when he got the chance to play every day? His defense was suspect, but he's a productive hitter. He's got a short, quick, compact stroke. He sparks the offense, moves runners and swings left-handed. Why is he being overlooked?
-- Jacob P., Ames, Iowa

This letter might break the record for “most irrelevant platitudes made about a baseball player within the course of three sentences.” If, by “productive,” you mean short, white, and bad at baseball, you’ve got it down. If by “sparks the offense,” you mean “makes lots of outs,” you’ve nailed it. But hey, he does swing left handed.

I read that the CEO of the Tribune Co. won't hesitate to sell the naming rights of Wrigley Field. I think I speak for all Cubs fans when I say this would be nothing short of a tragedy. Is there really a good chance they will rename Wrigley Field? Please tell me no.
-- Mark M., Des Moines

The word tragedy should be reserved for events that are so awful and affect so many people that their impact is felt for generations. Things like genocides, terrorist acts, and Scientology. The renaming of Wrigley Field won’t be a tragedy-it will just be an excuse for some dope to make a couple hundred thousand dollars off a “I Still Call it Wrigley” t-shirt.

I understand that Fukudome will have a translator with him off the field, but what about his communication with teammates and coaches on the field? Baseball is an international language, but how will the language barrier affect him during play -- either in right field or on the bases? And, as the leader of the outfield and potential starter in center, is this something else that Felix Pie will have to worry about this year?
-- Scott O., DeMotte, Ind.

There are so many things to think about as an outfielder:
1. Don't let the ball hit you in the face.
2. When it comes to you, throw it back in.

I don't know how Fukudome is going to possibly adapt.

As far as hitting goes, I really hope Fukudome doesn't run to third after hitting a pitch because, you know, he's Japanese. And Felix...oh boy, Felix...he's going to have to teach poor Asian Fukudome such advanced English as “I got it,” and the even harder “You got it.” I wouldn't be surprised to see Bill James predict at least a 50 point drop off in both their batting averages due to the stress of this obviously terrifying and horrible experience. I'm sure someone's already writing up the letter in which they deem this situation a tragedy, too.